Losing my cool

Old 08-17-2011, 12:34 PM
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Losing my cool

I am pleased to say that I've been not reacting to AH over much of the past week or so.

Today I was offered a job and accepted. I had to communicate this to AH bc it will change plans for his coaching, our D's school pick up/drop off schedules etc and I wanted to be courteous and let him know this sooner than later.

He came by the house to get things in the yard and I'd texted him that we should talk briefly about my job situation and the changes that would come now that I have one (the changes involve HIM having to do more and I should have seen the resentment coming but I was relieved about the job and didn't think of that).

So, I told him I had a job and he cut me off and asked me where, when, how much etc... So I told him. He told me that the salary was ridiculous (as in low - it's about half of what I was making but is a job with a schedule that gives me time to bring and pick my kids up from school and has a lot of flexibility which is great).

I said I needed to go inside (bc he was getting heated and I wanted to get away) and I came in, looked up a few financial things from last years taxes and went back out. He jumped all over me and told me he didn't like my tone and my accusing him of making me stressed. I told him firmly that I'd said no such thing and went on to tell him that the difference in our gross salary from last yr to this yr with this new job is very little considering we don't have daycare expenses anymore.

He told me of course we did still have them (D3 is in preschool). I started to get nervous and said "no, AH, my mother and your parents are paying for her to go to preschool-- we had this conversation all spring and you swore you'd talked to your parents about this". My mother is paying half and they are paying half. We enrolled her where she is going SOLELY bc of this fact. He got pissed and told me we never discussed any such thing and that I was making it up and had talked to my mom about it but not him. I asked him if he was insane (and was crying now bc this is our KID that his **** up is now impacting) and told him that I'd NEVER have enrolled her and psyched her up for going if I'd thought he hadn't talked to his parents. He told me that I am manipulative and that I never once mentioned the school year of preschool and that it is my fault that D3 will now be disappointed.

I have NO idea why he is being such a jerk, why instead of being relieved that I have a job he's being a jerk, why he is denying a conversation that occurred for weeks on end, why he seems concerned only with how changes to our family situation will impact HIM and why it is he prefers (or seems to) that I remain unemployed (does he think he has more control over me that way? does he think I won't really divorce him?)

I am frustrated that I even BOTHERED to talk face to face with him about any of this or think that we could have a conversation about finances and the girls.

Clearly mediation is NOT going to be an option since there's no way to talk to him without him pulling this nonsense of "I don't remember" when what is being said is something he doesn't want to hear.

I'm soooooooo annoyed.
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Old 08-17-2011, 01:01 PM
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I'm so sorry this is going on however I am going to ask you something my son-in-law asked me when I was going through some big bs with my RAW.

Why are you surprised when the alcoholic acts like an alcoholic?

He acts the way he does because that is what he does. There isn't any reason for it. It's just the way it is. Don't treat him like an adult, don't expect him to do what he says he's going to do. If someone needs to be spoken to make sure you do it yourself. He is an A and will screw it up somehow. If you don't count on him to do anything you won't be disappointed.

So take a deep breath, relax, maybe go to a meeting tonight or do something nice for yourself and start over tomorrow.

One day at a time.

Your friend,
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Old 08-17-2011, 01:05 PM
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My XAH had me thinking I was crazy at the end between not remembering and forgetting and always tried to flip stuff back on to me. Isn't childcare tax deductible so you can pay the grandparents back ?
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Old 08-17-2011, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
If you don't count on him to do anything you won't be disappointed.
These words are very wise. It took a really long time for me to learn this lesson, even after the divorce. Sometimes I still catch myself wanting him to do "what's right" by my standards. When I let go of that, my life becomes instantly more manageable.

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Old 08-17-2011, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
If you don't count on him to do anything you won't be disappointed.
This is so true! I finally came to a point where I expected nothing from my AD, and I've had so much peace of mind since I did that!
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Old 08-17-2011, 02:49 PM
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He is required to participate financially in the support of his children. doesn't this include child care? he is probably stressing at your lower wage....because he will have to pay more support $$$???? hmmm?
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Old 08-17-2011, 06:20 PM
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Fandy- that's pretty much exactly what I thought too after the fact...

Tonight got even more fun... he showed up allegedly to get some work clothing he has here that he needed to take to the dry cleaners... Anyway, he showed up in a huff and long story short demanded I give him my cell phone so he could "check" it since he is CONVINCED I am "tracking" him. Truth be told, there was a time I was obsessed with where he was and VERY concerned about it when he wasn't around. These days: could not care less.

I have an app on my phone that shows where the local hospitals and registered sex offenders are and shows that relative to MY location. I guess it's a little paranoid of me but with my D5 starting 1st grade and walking to school I'd rather know who is around the neighborhood, you know?

So he deleted the app from my phone and told me that clearly I'd set it up in a way that allowed me to track him. Then he demanded i reinstall it and I refused and asked him to leave. He smirked and said it was his house and sat down and told me that bc I was refusing to prove my innocence it was clear I was tracking him somehow and that he was aware that that was a violation of his privacy and wouldn't a court be interested in hearing that was how I was behaving.

Long story short: I "proved" as best I could that I wasn't doing anything he was accusing me of. Of course bc I was holding my phone for part of this conversation he accused me of deleting things and screwing with the phone to remove evidence.

I just don't know what to do with myself or him when he gets this way. To be accused of tracking him is a serious thing. It probably is illegal in some way and the fact that he's convinced of his paranoia (and claiming that it's justified bc I looked at texts on his phone and his email on a handful of occassions- with HIS permission mind you) and saying that he'll make it a part of the divorce is enough to make me jump through his hoops.

I HATE him, I HATE my response to him, I HATE that I can't just go NC with him. I haven't responded to SO much of his crap for quite a while now and he just pulled out the big guns tonight and I had no idea how to navigate it. I refused to do what he asked/demanded for a while but when he started throwing around how bad he'd make me look and how he would be able to demonstrate that there was "evidence" I'd done this, I freaked out and felt I had to defend myself. And now I'm pissed bc I let him win and I played his sick game.

I hope he drinks himself to death or better yet drives off a cliff (if we had any in our state) and I never have to deal with him again. Disease or no disease, he is a nasty, abusive, S.O.B. and the world would be better without him.
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Old 08-17-2011, 06:54 PM
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You don't have to "prove" anything to him and he has absolutely no right to see your phone or know anything about what apps you have on it. This man has physically abused you on more than one occasion. If it were me, he would never be allowed near me unless it happened accidentally out in public. If he shows up again, I'd call the police. He is not to be trusted and you don't have to explain anything to him.
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Old 08-17-2011, 07:22 PM
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The best way to deal with a crazy AH is to engage him as little as humanly possible. Like, mine doesn't even know where I work, what I make, etc. If legally I have to tell him I will, but until then, it's none of his business. I would never answer his questions because your answers will NEVER be right no matter what you say, he will always find an argument to pick. My AH is in rehab right now so I don't have to share custody, so I am able to go totally no contact, but you should try to have as little contact as you can. It just never ever goes well. They love to fight, to engage, to get your attention in any way possible.
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Old 08-17-2011, 08:07 PM
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What a nasty experience for you. Can you get some legal advice as to how to stop him doing this or to protect you from this sort of behavior, or even ask police what can you do. He has no right to control your phone use, delete apps or even touch it let alone demand access because of his mind set.

Frankly I agree with Suki, and would also get some form of home security that will tape and record so you have this as visual and audio proof of why you are in fear of him.

I do hope your free of him and his paranoid terror tantrums very soon.
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Old 08-17-2011, 08:30 PM
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You do not have to show him a thing....nada, nothing.

If he wants something of his, let him text you and you can put "his stuff" out on the porch or, move all his stuff to a storage unit.

You are your own worst enemy, you keep doing this to yourself.

Have you been to your attorney lately? I would go and discuss your options, only you can stop all this insanity. He holds no power over you, it is only your preception of power, not reality.
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Old 08-17-2011, 09:33 PM
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Im not too sure why you are allowing your AH to 'control' you at all.

When I told my AH that I was going to be moving out and moved into the spare bedroom, that was the day that I became just ME! When AH would ask me personal things, I would just reply 'I dont have to tell you that' or 'that has nothing to do with you now' or 'I dont have to listen to that', 'I dont have to do anything' etc, etc.

I took back 'control' of me and my business and felt much more powerful.

As for salary - I would have said 'thats none of your business, when it becomes your business, I will let you know' and the phone incident - 'that belongs to me and its none of your business who or what I have on it'.

I changed passwords on all my email accounts and would not tell my AH what they were, my AH was convinced that I was conspiring against him. It was none of his business and he will choose to believe what he wants to believe. I dont have to explain myself to anyone.

Reading your posts sometimes make me 'cringe'. You do not need to 'pander' to his whims and ways anymore. You are seperated. Individuals.

I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 23yrs. I was timid, would try to please, placate, try to change me and was controlled to a certain extent on a daily basis. I do know where you are coming from and feel for you. I went to councelling for a number of months and basically began to believe that I was important. I am important. You are important. Luckily I had a 'switch' go off inside me and a 'mental shift' in what behaviour I would accept in my life. Nobody was going to try and control me again.

Keep reading, learning, get some councelling because I want YOU to find this 'switch', I want you to get the 'mental shift' to be able to tell your AH where to go when he crosses your line. I am rooting for you.
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:02 AM
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It doesn't sound as if he will ever be "convinced" of anything. It's just controlling, abusive and paranoid behavior on his part. Perhaps it will be a lot more peaceful for you if you do change all your passwords and allow yourself your right to privacy in the future.

((wtbh))I'm sorry you are going through this right now.
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Old 08-18-2011, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
even tho we got along fine and her son and i had been divorced for a long time, my ex-MIL made all this wonderful noise about how she was going to help out with Renee's high school tuition (private, all girls, excellent reputation, graduation rates and college acceptance %, that SHE had f'ing recommended no less!!!) come time to pay up......not one red cent. she was even a lousy back-up back-up fetcher-upper, just useless.

tell ya what tho, my kid still attended, and we managed to find a way to make it work financially, and she got good grades, and she graduated and was accepted to a divinely expensive University from which she graduated with a double major AND a minor (i'm still paying for that! i believe the loan will outlive me)!!!

if it's important enough to us, we will find a way.
Aw, Anvil, what a difference a generation (um, yeah, and recovery) makes. I think about what you've written about what you had in a mother, then read this...

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Old 08-18-2011, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
These words are very wise. It took a really long time for me to learn this lesson, even after the divorce. Sometimes I still catch myself wanting him to do "what's right" by my standards. When I let go of that, my life becomes instantly more manageable.

This sums it up for me too.
Especially after divorce where he has "happily moved on" but holds on to an insane amount of anger.

Re:private school
They will "make a deal with you" as they have flexibility. Many let you pay the second half in monthly installments.
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Old 08-18-2011, 07:54 AM
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I could REALLLLLLLYYYY do with out the "why do you allow this?" and "you are your own worst enemy"...

To those who are aware that divorcing an A is not as black and white and cut and dry as some seem to think, I apologize for the rant that is coming but after a night of hell with AH (who I called the police on and NOTHING happened but ME getting a lecture about calming down and not to call them unless there was a real emergency) I really, really, really don't need to judgement.

I HAVE been speaking with my attorney and SHE is the one who has said to do as little as possible to give him ammunition (as false as it may be) to throw at me in court. So, while it's easy to sit at your computer and judge, it's a little harder for me, when my AH is telling me that if I don't "show" him that I am innocent he will be sure to explain to the judge why it is that he feels I am controlling him, tracking him, trying to violate his rights etc... HE is a VERY good liar. He was believed by the judge in court when he assaulted me and got off scott free. He lied and I did not get a RO. Okay, I don't think some of you GET that just fanning the flames and seeing how far he'll take things IS NOT IN MY BEST INTEREST. I do NOT have a restraining order. I do not have "evidence" that he is lying or verbally abusing me. It's MY word vs his and my own lawyer (who works for the best firm in the state w regard to family matters) told me NOT to make things worse bc he will just have more lies to use in court. So, as I wrote, I did not agree to give him my phone initially. The more angry he became the more worried I got. I don't want to get into a he said/she said battle in court with him bc he WILL win. He is dangerous and he's an A with borderline personality disorder which means that when he feels abandoned he will do whatever he can to try and make sure he doesn't "lose" me. His accusing me of tracking him and installing things on his phone (which he can install himself and claim I did) is a serious claim. And I think it's better to have proven to him I didn't, then to get to court and have a battle about whether I did or didn't in there.

I guess if you're not in my shoes or in my house you can't understand.

And I am sure that this will bring out the "you only want to hear what you want to hear" from some on here. Save it please.

I am doing the best I can and ALL I can to stay away from him in a situation where the legal system is giving me NO support. Right now the LAST thing I need is judgement from those around here who find it far easier to cast stones than to consider that perhaps you don't know everything and that there are times where there is NO good choice.

Unlike al anon where there isn't judgement, I find that there are a few individuals around here who thrive on being on their soapboxes and I among others could do without it.

If I had my way I'd have a RO and be free of any contact. Our legal system believes drunk liars over those who are honest so I don't. And that same legal system is the one my AH is threatening to manipulate again with his accusations.

I have him recorded (after more drama later last night that resulted in the police coming, him NOT being arrested and ME being told to calm down by his buddy on the force but I won't share that bc I am sure there will be yet more judging) apologizing for the accusation so at least my proving that I didn't do what he said had one benefit. That's one lie he can't run with.
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Old 08-18-2011, 08:01 AM
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I will say this: Anyone with all the wisdom have a suggestion about how I keep someone away from me who the police say I have no right to keep away? I went to my mothers for a few days last week and it was HELL and he showed up there anyway. I have already paid my lawyer far too much bc I am constantly asking her what rights I have to keep him away from me and without a RO, and without a custody arrangement I have NONE.

He accuses me of tracking him but I think he's the one doing it. I feel like a prisoner in my town, my house, my life.

I have changed passwords, opened a separate bank acct, email account, and the one thing I can;t stop is him showing up unannounced whenever he likes, making scenes.

When the police refuse to help and the court is not moving quickly to get our case moving so that I can have a custody arrangment that includes when he can and can not contact me and I have been told by my lawyer that refusal to answer hte phone or cahnging my number will be viwered as parental alienation --- I guess I am really not sure what the hell it is I can do beyond what I am doing.

Prior to yesterday I have VERY little contact with him about anything other than the girls. I told him about my job bc I guess I thoght I should. From now on I'll just tell my lawyer and he can learn things from her. I've tried to not use her to excess bc I can't afford it.

I fully understand why, despite all the reasons not to, women stay in abusive marriages. The bottom line is that I have tried to protect myself, tried to do all the right things since making him leave and hiring my lawyer and it really makes no difference. He is free to behave however he likes and short of killing me it appears the police here could care less bc he's a saint in this town and that leaves me with few options.
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Old 08-18-2011, 08:39 AM
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Well, maybe the law won't dictate that he can't approach YOU without a restraining order, but it certainly can support you if you are on other private property not owned by him, and the OWNERS of said property do not want him on their property. THEY have a right to refuse him on their property for tresspass...

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Old 08-18-2011, 08:43 AM
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perhaps he will drink himself into a stupor today and leave you in peace...I know this sounds mean, but if he's passed out drunk somewhere he won't have the energy to bother you.

now in my dry wit matter, you might have to leave a bottle of vodka on the front steps in the future? would he take it and just go away? anything to avoid his high paranoid drama?

reading your postings dredges up my own horrible divorce and crazy Xhusband (who died in his sleep at age 54 and was found by his mother)...all I can tell you is that after the divorce is over, the *stuff* should calm down as the kids get older. i hope you get some relief today.
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Old 08-18-2011, 09:06 AM
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He is 'playing' with you in a 'typical' alkie way.

Time to contact your attorney and request that your attorney contact his attorney or him and state that ALL future contact is to go through your attorney.

Whether it is to see the children, pick up a tool, whatever. That there is to be no more contact with you, period.

This is plain harassment. There is a way your attorney can get that enforced and if your attorney says no, find another one.

He is being a typical alcoholic AZZHAT.

And until that can happen, you really NEED to do for you, is this:

Every time he opens his mouth, picture in your WHOLE MIND the BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK going


So that his words do not register with you.

These accusations are HIS PROBLEM, HIS PARANOIA, and HIS MANIPULATION. He is being mean and vindictive and there is nothing you can do to change him. However, you can change how YOU react to him.

I would also suggest you get some 'nanny cams' and place them in strategic places that they will record his WORDS and his ACTIONS. That is PROOF in any court.


Love and hugs,
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