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Old 07-29-2011, 07:20 AM
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here we go again

well at least i had 3 months of relief, happiness, contentment. but my AH fell of the wagon and is struggling again to "get well". he fears the cost of having to go to rehab again. (we are not one of those who can just waltz in and out of those places and have the state or the government pick up the tab). so given that and the fact that he's been laid off for 2 years is making the horse get to the water that much more difficult.

there is another issue here that i'm hoping someone can help me with. he is manic and has severe depression and he NEEDS meds for this. his GP gave him one month worth of a new med that really seemed to work for him..... he was happy, content and could deal much better with keeping away from the vodka. the GP won't help him any further. now he is a mess and i dont know who or what kind of doctor to call. i dont know where to begin to get him the proper treatment...... do i get a psychiatrist, an MD, a theropist?? i hate all of this.... its depressing me now and that is all we need, a house of gloom....... i'm getting angry at him now and my willingness to be supportive and nuturing is turning into desire to lash out at him and i dont mean it...... i just am so tired of dealing with this..... i'm 52 years old and its time for me to have some peace and happiness in my older years. someone on here said that they don't label babies when there born and stamp "alcoholic" on thier forehead..... but what about a grown man? am i that stupid that i didn't see the signs before saying "i do"??? i feel so damned trapped i just want to run and run as far as my arthritic legs will take me!

oh and i might mention that AA is not an option. he went to a couple of meetings and the religious part of it totally turned him off. as it would me. so please dont' suggest that option. he's so not going to go for all the touchy feeling hugging and circle making kind of stuff....
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Old 07-29-2011, 07:25 AM
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I'm sorry that he's drinking again, and I feel your frustration.

If he's been to rehab before, he's got the tools to stay sober. He has to pick them up and use them however.

As far as his mental health issues, a psychiatrist can diagnose and prescribe the proper meds.

Is there any reason he can't be making those phone calls for himself?

I hope you are attending Alanon. It surely has saved my bacon more than once, and helps me with every day living.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 07-29-2011, 07:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990 View Post
I'm sorry that he's drinking again, and I feel your frustration.

If he's been to rehab before, he's got the tools to stay sober. He has to pick them up and use them however.

As far as his mental health issues, a psychiatrist can diagnose and prescribe the proper meds.

Is there any reason he can't be making those phone calls for himself?

I hope you are attending Alanon. It surely has saved my bacon more than once, and helps me with every day living.

Sending you hugs of support!
thanks. i pretty much to everything in our home....from cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, and even making appointments! he doesn't know how to us a computer. and he just recently in the last 5 years learned to use an atm card! he's not a stupid person, just spoiled by his mother who used to do everything for him....i guess the job was handed down to me when we married. i don't really mind doing it but it would be nice to have his imput. and yes, i does frustrate me at times.

to be honest, i think he is making up any excuses he can to drink at this point. and i am trying to handle things much better than before. he gets angry because i spend a lot of time out with my friends. beats being home while he is drunk. so i guess i have kind of distanced myself from him in that way. but at least i'm actually thinking of me!! he never does.

today is my birthday and we are suppose to go out to dinner. in my heart, i'd much rather go out dancing with my friends. but i dont' want to rock the boat or hurt his feelings. he's an extrememly emotional person right now. very unbalanced. i feel for him.
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Old 07-29-2011, 07:54 AM
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I think it might be time for him to grow up and stop making excuses as to WHY he can't do anything constructive with his time...good grief, he is HOW OLD???? does someone brush his teeth for him too?

If you continue to DO EVERYTHING, he will continue to DO NOTHING (except make excuses)....at his age, his mother "spoiling him" shouldn't even enter this equation. maybe he can start doing for himself and take care of his own addiction. he's pretty choosey for someone who has been unemployed for 2 years.
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Old 07-29-2011, 07:57 AM
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BreakingGlass-

I feel for you very much in this situation. I am from RI too (the southern part), though I now live along ways away my family is still there.

When I went home for Thanksgiving this year I had two really important pieces I had to get/do. The first was good Italian food that I cannot get here, the second was a list of Al-Anon meetings. My current county is three times the size of RI and there are 5 Al-Anon meetings a week, I was shocked with how many there were in RI...more like 5 a day. I did not get to each of them but I found many that were warm and welcoming. I got into Al-Anon because of living with an alcoholic spouse, but have a large family history of alcoholism on both sides of my family so it was a great support while I was there, and honestly helped to make my trip a great one. I got to get ride of the anxiety at the meetings so I could just enjoy being with family and friends otherwise.

Finally I want to thank you. Seeing one of your earlier posts, and where you were from inspired me to sign up for this forum/group.
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:01 AM
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he's pretty choosey for someone who has been unemployed for 2 years.

he's in a union....he can't just go work for any company doing what he knows. if he does, he will have a lot to lose....so don't call him lazy or choosey.... he's an alcoholic yes, but he's also a good man. he wants to go back to work in the worst way. he just had it so easy when his mother did it all for him...and i am not talking about 30 years ago...we've only been married for 4 years..... ask quesitons before you attack someone like that..... you don't know me or my AH..... i came here to get advise and comfort, not to have people talk so openly rude.
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:07 AM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
BreakingGlass-

I feel for you very much in this situation. I am from RI too (the southern part), though I now live along ways away my family is still there.

When I went home for Thanksgiving this year I had two really important pieces I had to get/do. The first was good Italian food that I cannot get here, the second was a list of Al-Anon meetings. My current county is three times the size of RI and there are 5 Al-Anon meetings a week, I was shocked with how many there were in RI...more like 5 a day. I did not get to each of them but I found many that were warm and welcoming. I got into Al-Anon because of living with an alcoholic spouse, but have a large family history of alcoholism on both sides of my family so it was a great support while I was there, and honestly helped to make my trip a great one. I got to get ride of the anxiety at the meetings so I could just enjoy being with family and friends otherwise.

Finally I want to thank you. Seeing one of your earlier posts, and where you were from inspired me to sign up for this forum/group.
welcome fellow RI'nder!!! i'm glad you did sign up. some people on here are very helpful and wise. although others tend to get pretty intense with their replies. i am sure they don't mean it.... we are all a bit frustrated with the whole issue.

maybe you can suggest to me which meeting were the best.... i think its time for me to attend one..... i feel very alone in all of this and the last thing i want to do is carry it with me to every corner of my life.... maybe there i can learn to be happy in my situation......

again welcome!!!!
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
oh and i might mention that AA is not an option. he went to a couple of meetings and the religious part of it totally turned him off. as it would me. so please dont' suggest that option. he's so not going to go for all the touchy feeling hugging and circle making kind of stuff....
I can't speak from an AA perspective but the Al-Anon meetings I attend are nothing like that.

As for the religious part, well, I am an atheist and have no problem making the 12 step program work for me. You can use life, the universe, the force, inner wisdom, the wisdom of the group, some rock as your higher power.

What I have learned is that the part of me that is verbal and observing and controlling is not all of me. I breath, live, grow new cells, process food and oxygen without conscious thought. By tapping into this part of myself that is not my observing self I have found a huge source of strength and wisdom. Being pragmatic it is as simple as that. It works, doesn't matter how.

So, my higher power is outside of me, my observing self, but part of ME, the whole me that includes but is beyond the ego or observing self.

I would strongly recommend Al-anon for you. It has made a huge difference in my life (see above). As for your AH his recovery is his to own, not yours. He will get better when he is ready. If he really wants to get better the god/higher power issue won't be a problem. He will figure it out.

Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Keep coming back, we are here to help if we can.

((((hugs))))
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
I can't speak from an AA perspective but the Al-Anon meetings I attend are nothing like that.

As for the religious part, well, I am an atheist and have no problem making the 12 step program work for me. You can use life, the universe, the force, inner wisdom, the wisdom of the group, some rock as your higher power.

What I have learned is that the part of me that is verbal and observing and controlling is not all of me. I breath, live, grow new cells, process food and oxygen without conscious thought. By tapping into this part of myself that is not my observing self I have found a huge source of strength and wisdom. Being pragmatic it is as simple as that. It works, doesn't matter how.

So, my higher power is outside of me, my observing self, but part of ME, the whole me that includes but is beyond the ego or observing self.

I would strongly recommend Al-anon for you. It has made a huge difference in my life (see above). As for your AH his recovery is his to own, not yours. He will get better when he is ready. If he really wants to get better the god/higher power issue won't be a problem. He will figure it out.

Remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Keep coming back, we are here to help if we can.

((((hugs))))
thanks.... i am going to attend a meeting.
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
i feel very alone in all of this and the last thing i want to do is carry it with me to every corner of my life.... maybe there i can learn to be happy in my situation......
That was how I felt, so very alone when I was still with my EXAH! I am glad to hear you get out and spend time with friends. It's so important, at least to me, to have some socialization outside of the home.

Even though I left my EXAH, Alanon is a huge part of my every day life.

Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:23 AM
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BreakingGlass-

I went to a number in the southern part of the state when I was there....Cross Mills etc.

Each group and each meeting is a little different so what works for me might not work for you. I also need different things as my journey progresses (I came into the program with the focus on my spouse), now he is my ex with little interaction. I don't get to divorce my family in the same way though so my journey has progressed and what I need from the groups have also.

There was a wonderful website for RI Al-Anon and that helped a bunch (directions and everything). It was an active group overall though I did not get to participate in that.

I think living with addiction can be intense....so can recovery. I know my attitude has been sideways at times. I figure I am not alone in that part of things.

Good luck and I am glad you are here.
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Old 07-29-2011, 09:35 AM
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I'm sorry if I spoke too strongly. But, FWIW~ I am a Teamster...for 25 years. I work in medical/surgical education.

If he is a member of any union and unemployed for 2 years, the union is NOT paying your bills. Does he still have health insurance benefits? he should have no trouble learning basic computer skills that will enable him to work at ANY job in the interim while still keeping his union card active.

what I find unbelievable is that you state your age as 52 and "the job was handed down to you"...it led me to think you do everything for him (for a long time) as finding a therapist, making appts. something he can do for himself.

His doctor should know that he is drinking and taking the prescribed meds. And be able to recommend psych. counseling based on what your insurance will pay. Sometimes it is a social worker with a specialized degree in counseling that will work with the Internist who still prescribes the meds...(because the counselor cannot write a script, that must come from MD). The DX of manic and depression comes from the doctor, the doctor will not leave his patient untreated, but offer a referral to someone who can help him better with his problems.

If you were not around to do for him how would he survive?
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Old 07-29-2011, 09:50 AM
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My AH is in the 150 union now for over 10yrs and hasn't worked now for almost 3 yrs. I've been asking him to find another job forever and his reply is where can I find a job paying me $$$$ an hour like the union job. My answer is if you add up all the time not working then taking a job making only $$ you would still be making more money!! He would rather just sit around watching TV and drinking all day.
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:02 AM
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I can relate to some of the things you're going through. My AW has mental health issues; she has OCD, and also takes meds for depression, panic attacks, etc. Add the alcohol on top of that, and you've got a mess.

I do all the housework, too. She used to help, but after our daughter was born, she used it as an excuse to let me do it all. Now, she can't hold a job, but still does nothing around the house. Some of it, I attribute to her upbringing as well. She was raised by her grandmother and never had to do any of that stuff. With the decline in her mental health and the alcoholism, she seems to have reverted to a 13 year old.

Living with someone like that can be maddening. On the other hand, leaving them carries tons of guilt. As Fandy asks above: If we aren't around to do it for them, how would they survive? I feel pretty certain that my AW, left on her own, would be living in a trash heap within a few months.
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:11 AM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
well at least i had 3 months of relief, happiness, contentment. but my AH fell of the wagon and is struggling again to "get well". he fears the cost of having to go to rehab again. (we are not one of those who can just waltz in and out of those places and have the state or the government pick up the tab). so given that and the fact that he's been laid off for 2 years is making the horse get to the water that much more difficult.

there is another issue here that i'm hoping someone can help me with. he is manic and has severe depression and he NEEDS meds for this. his GP gave him one month worth of a new med that really seemed to work for him..... he was happy, content and could deal much better with keeping away from the vodka. the GP won't help him any further. now he is a mess and i dont know who or what kind of doctor to call. i dont know where to begin to get him the proper treatment...... do i get a psychiatrist, an MD, a theropist?? i hate all of this.... its depressing me now and that is all we need, a house of gloom....... i'm getting angry at him now and my willingness to be supportive and nuturing is turning into desire to lash out at him and i dont mean it...... i just am so tired of dealing with this..... i'm 52 years old and its time for me to have some peace and happiness in my older years. someone on here said that they don't label babies when there born and stamp "alcoholic" on thier forehead..... but what about a grown man? am i that stupid that i didn't see the signs before saying "i do"??? i feel so damned trapped i just want to run and run as far as my arthritic legs will take me!

oh and i might mention that AA is not an option. he went to a couple of meetings and the religious part of it totally turned him off. as it would me. so please dont' suggest that option. he's so not going to go for all the touchy feeling hugging and circle making kind of stuff....
When he was in rehab didn't he have to go to AA?
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
1. his GP gave him one month worth of a new med that really seemed to work for him..... the GP won't help him any further. now he is a mess and i dont know who or what kind of doctor to call.


2. oh and i might mention that AA is not an option. he went to a couple of meetings and the religious part of it totally turned him off. as it would me. so please dont' suggest that option. he's so not going to go for all the touchy feeling hugging and circle making kind of stuff....
BG,

I'm sorry your husband is struggling. Here are my thoughts:

1. many pharmaceutical companies have free/reduced cost programs for their drugs. Have you researched that option? Given your husbands work situation, he might qualify for assistance.

2. I understand the reluctance. I live in NC now but was raised in the Boston area & familiar with the "culural norms" about religion back home, and I was very resistant to having the god-stuff shoved down my throat. I am now 18+ months sober and for me AA is not about forcing god on anyone (and trust me, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a bible thumper in this neck of the woods). Whatever concept your husband has of order and good in the world suffices - for me, it was my group and the people who were sober and had their * together. The sad fact is, he almost definitely won't win this battle going solo.

3. It's hard not to notice that he's the one who should be posting, not you. Sure, you have your half of the street to take care of, but until he's out there dealing with this head on, not much is going to change.

If your husband is serious about getting and staying sober, he needs to be a little more willing and open minded. This is not a nuicance situation he is facing, it is life or death. Until he is clear about that and willing to respond accordingly, it doesn't matter what approach he uses to get sober, he's going to have a rough time of it.

Good luck.
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:21 AM
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Just curious???

Have you gone to a meeting with him or are you just taking his word on what AA was like?
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
oh and i might mention that AA is not an option. he went to a couple of meetings and the religious part of it totally turned him off. as it would me. so please dont' suggest that option. he's so not going to go for all the touchy feeling hugging and circle making kind of stuff....
My husband and I don't do AA or Al-Anon, but have had great success using an addiction counselor. We found a counselor that works on a sliding scale so our payments are out of pocket but totally affordable.
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Old 07-29-2011, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Spawn View Post
When he was in rehab didn't he have to go to AA?
Not necessarily some rehabs do not use the 12step method.
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Old 07-29-2011, 12:02 PM
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I would like to add that I AM the ALCOHOLIC...and i was the one to pick myself up and change myself..NO one supported me (except for some close friends)..I stopped drinking, cleaned up my act and my house. all while keeping my job.

it's amazing how many simple tasks you can accomplish when you are NOT drinking. You can wash your floors, bathrooms and toliets, throw out accumulated junk. You can grocery shop, clean closets, wash clothes, dust, change the bed linens, vaccum. you can plant a garden, grow tomatoes and you can cook dinner (or get it ready if you can't cook~and you can LEARN to cook). or you can drink and not do anything.

my insurance carrier gaveme a list of counselors that were participating in my plan and accepted my co-pay of $15.00 a week..when I started it was 3 sessions a week..cheaper than a bottle of wine.
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