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Old 08-01-2011, 04:26 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by fedup3 View Post
My AH is in the 150 union now for over 10yrs and hasn't worked now for almost 3 yrs. I've been asking him to find another job forever and his reply is where can I find a job paying me $$$$ an hour like the union job. My answer is if you add up all the time not working then taking a job making only $$ you would still be making more money!! He would rather just sit around watching TV and drinking all day.
mine does the same thing..... but in his case, he's scared to death of change....(which may be another reason for not quitting the drinking)...... i think he's scared that nobody will hire him at his age too.... which is reality for most of us over 50...... mine is still collecting unemployment but once unemployment runs out i will be scared myself.....
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Old 08-01-2011, 04:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Spawn View Post
Just curious???

Have you gone to a meeting with him or are you just taking his word on what AA was like?
went to one with a friend years ago...... and yes, i took his word for it.
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Old 08-01-2011, 04:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Spawn View Post
When he was in rehab didn't he have to go to AA?
they had a program that he attended for 8 weeks i believe.... but then insurance no longer paid. so far we have had to pay over $1500 out of pocket and him being out of work right now, and the mortgage, bills, etc, we just couldn't afford THEIR program any longer.... which is why i am now trying to get help from another source. my insurance WILL pay for a psychiatrist for 12 weeks of sessions.....

today, i am so drained and tired.... i can't concentrate on much except that i have a lot of work to do here at MY job and i cant let his issue get into my head all day long.....
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Old 08-01-2011, 06:39 AM
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BG,

I understand that AA is like Al-Anon in that each meeting is somewhat different than the others. I went to a whole bunch of meetings in my area before I found 2 that were a good fit for me.
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Old 08-01-2011, 06:45 AM
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Don't you make the call. Give him the phone number of the SALVATION ARMY. They have and EXCELLENT FREE program. It works very well with those that WANT recovery.

Right now for you this is NOT a 'we thing'. This is a 'he thing.' Either he wants recovery or he likes his lack of responsibility and being able to drink more than he wants recovery.

Now where does that leave you? It leaves you with finding and counselor that specialized in Addiction and/or Alanon FOR YOU. These will help you decide for yourself whether you can 'accept' him just the way he is RIGHT NOW, and whether you can live the rest of your life in this situation.

No I am not advocating divorce or leaving him. I am advocating that you work on YOU so that you will come day be able to make 'informed', 'correct' decisions for YOU.

I hope you know that we are walking with you in spirit, so please keep posting to let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-01-2011, 06:59 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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it's time for him to stop "being scared" about doing a different job, step up to the plate to find work and get his act together. Isn't he concerned about the mortgage and the bills?

it sounds like you are carrying the whole burden both mentally and physically. that is very selfish and not fair, it's driving you into the ground, trying to keep all the balls in the air.

who is concerned for how YOU feel and how stressed you are??? (he should be, ya think)?. i hope you find a counselor for yourself through your insurance plan. it will help you immensely.
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Old 08-01-2011, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
Don't you make the call. Give him the phone number of the SALVATION ARMY. They have and EXCELLENT FREE program. It works very well with those that WANT recovery.

Right now for you this is NOT a 'we thing'. This is a 'he thing.' Either he wants recovery or he likes his lack of responsibility and being able to drink more than he wants recovery.

Now where does that leave you? It leaves you with finding and counselor that specialized in Addiction and/or Alanon FOR YOU. These will help you decide for yourself whether you can 'accept' him just the way he is RIGHT NOW, and whether you can live the rest of your life in this situation.

No I am not advocating divorce or leaving him. I am advocating that you work on YOU so that you will come day be able to make 'informed', 'correct' decisions for YOU.

I hope you know that we are walking with you in spirit, so please keep posting to let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
thank you.

i know i need to think of me right now. i told him this morning that i won't do anything for him....HE has to make that move. HE has to decide whether or getting help is something he wants for HIMSELF....and not just to apease me.....

i'm glas there are places like this to go so that i can get a grip during my day!!
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Old 08-01-2011, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
it's time for him to stop "being scared" about doing a different job, step up to the plate to find work and get his act together. Isn't he concerned about the mortgage and the bills?

it sounds like you are carrying the whole burden both mentally and physically. that is very selfish and not fair, it's driving you into the ground, trying to keep all the balls in the air.

who is concerned for how YOU feel and how stressed you are??? (he should be, ya think)?. i hope you find a counselor for yourself through your insurance plan. it will help you immensely.
all these things you say are true i'm sure.... but also easier said than done. maybe the underlying problem is that i just didn't marry well!!!
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Old 08-01-2011, 08:34 AM
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maybe the underlying problem is that i just didn't marry well!!
Well .................................. and yes that is a deep subject, rofl I can only relate how I figured it out for me.

My first husband and I dated and lived together for almost 2 years before we married. Now by 'lived together' I mean when he would get leave, he was 'career Air Force.' We had fun, we had great times together, he was attentive, treated me well, and even though I knew he had been married before (she was a practicing alcoholic) and had 4 children (he was 10 years older than me) he presented himself to me as a 'loving, caring, human being.' He acted like I was his world.

Yes we would drink. We would go out to dinner, have a few. We had a 'favorite' 'corner bar' where we both knew the owner and he would bring in 'local' bands to play. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary to this, then 21 year old gal.

Shortly after our marriage, we went into court and I 'adopted legally' his four children, 6 months later his ex wife was dead from, yep alcoholism.

I don't believe I made a 'bad choice'. I believe I made my 'choice' based on what he had 'allowed' me to see.

Now mind you I myself was already in the early 'throes' of alcoholism and didn't know it, lol I did love him, at least the 'him' I thought he was.

It was not until after our marriage, that his 'true' self started to emerge. We (the kids and I) moved to several different bases when he was 'stateside' and would be home every night, and when he was 'out of country' (he did 4 tours of duty BEHIND enemy lines in Viet Nam) and would come home for his R & R leave, usually 30 days, that I started to at first get glimpses and then it was constant of a TOTALLY different person than the one I thought I had married.

I believed I had married a thoughtful, kind, caring man, good provider man who loved me as much as I loved him. Now true, I was young (for back then, lol) and I was a bit naive, and I was very wrong!. BTW my parents liked him also, at first. lol-

Did I learn? Nope. Did it again in sobriety, got 'conned' again with a 'sober' member of AA who had a year more than me, showed by his actions, or BS, that he was totally into recovery. By this time, I had a very close relationship with my Sponsor and Her Husband, and they liked my future 2nd husband also.

Again, didn't take long after our vows were said that 'the other side' started to 'rear' its ugly head. No, he didn't drink, he switched additions to ..............................gambling.

That is why on the exact date of my 3rd year Anniversary sober my sponsor literally ordered me (I used to say 'strongly suggested,) that I start attending Alanon IMMEDIATELY and get an Alanon Sponsor in addition to her.

It was in Alanon that I started to learn a totally different perspective to the 12 steps than the one I had learned in AA. It was in Alanon that I learned that I drew people to me, not necessarily from 'my looks' ( and I was a pretty 'good looker' back then, lol) but more so from my insides. If my insides were sick, and they were, I was going to 'draw' others with 'sick insides' to me.

All of the above is to show you that in reality I didn't have a 'poor picker' I was just uneducated. As I learned more about me, fixed me, I started drawing 'healthier' people to me.

So please do not 'berate' yourself. Now you know some of the problem lies within yourself and you have the 'means' to fix that. After all, the only one we can 'fix' is ourselves.

Many of us have been where you are, so USE US, USE OUR ES&H. Learn from us. We are walking with you in spirit. You are a GOOD PERSON, you just didn't have ALL the information when you married.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much. You can rant, rave, cry, scream, and yes, even laugh. Ask questions. We are HERE FOR YOU.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-01-2011, 09:12 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Thanks Laurie.

i always did attract the "underdog". my first marriage lasted 7 years. he was a nice man, not a drinker and no bad additions of any kind (well unless you want to count playing hockey!) but he didn't do well in keeping a job or a vocation of any kind long enough for us to get ahead in life. then he cheated so that was the end of number one.... then i went through an array of dates desparatly seeking mr right. (l love being in love and being married by the way!) i never found him....but i did find a bunch of losers with alcohol problems with a tremendous talent for lying and/or cheating. all this time i was best friends withh a man who is now my husband. in my heart i was so certain that he would never do anything to hurt me. he had wanted me so badly. he waited years for me. so i did in deed marry him. he's is now the one who has hurt me more than all the others....he was my friend. and always on my side. and now he's a man who thinks nothing of calling me horrible names and saying the meanest things he can think of. i guess i am just having such a had time with this one becasue i really believed in him.... and he betrayed me..... it hurts.. it has also left a sour taste in my mouth towards men.... i think if we ever did get divorced, i wouldn't want any more men!! they have done nothing but steal from me, ruin my credit, lie, cheat, hit, and hurt.....
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Old 08-01-2011, 09:50 AM
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I'm so sorry and I have been there. One thing I have learned....I don't need to be married....the dog has the utmost respect for me. I'd love a decent relationship, but there are a lot of weeds in the garden to pick through and my back hurts.

I've stopped worrying about everyone else and just worry about me FIRST. it's too bad that your husband got laid off, but so are a lot of people, many of them over 50...and they don't just lay down and drink about it....they find jobs, they support their family and they thank their spouses for supporting them....if they are at home, they make their mates life easier by assuming some of the RESPONSIBILITY.

and if they run to their mamas....at that age, you can do better and you will.

Mr. Fandy got tossed out after I found out he had 3 mortgages on his own little condo he bought in 1984, he was only working part-time and living both with/off me and at the OTB...Last year he had IRS penalties to the tune of 33K (lump sum payment). His credit cards are maxxed out, his car is 12 years old and he has not replaced his dishwasher, or broken fridge....but he still thinks "winning" $5-600. is making him a big time high roller.

He refuses to find full-time work...I have no use for that, I work very hard for my $$$, I'm not a big gambler (unless you count $20.00 on the nickel slots once or twice a year at a casino)...I invest what I used to spend on booze into double principal payments on my house and make an improvement/remodel when I can afford it....I save for a rainy day, in case I do lose my job...or have to retire early.

i've found that being the good wife/nice guy is not appreciated by the men I've picked...but it was sure a learning experience.
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Old 08-01-2011, 11:29 AM
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Today is the day I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting. I am really excited after reading all of the positives from folks right here!

Just wanted to share

Peace.

Maureen
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Old 08-01-2011, 11:43 AM
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Congrats Maureen, I know al-anon has been a life saver for me.

Why don't you start a new thread and post this where a lot more people will see it. You'll get a lot of attaboys and maybe encourage someone else to take the step and attend their first meeting.

Your friend,
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Old 08-01-2011, 12:25 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
I'm so sorry and I have been there. One thing I have learned....I don't need to be married....the dog has the utmost respect for me. I'd love a decent relationship, but there are a lot of weeds in the garden to pick through and my back hurts.
sorry, this is funny! but so true! my dog loves me unconditionally! my husbnad, unconsciously!

i've had some dillys! one of them stole one of those credit card offers from my mail box and mailed it in and got the card....then proceeded to max it out. i should have pressed charges for theft but i was stupid.... i have all kinds of "weed" stories like this but you get the idea!

we do have a bit in savings to help us out...he's always been a saver. but you are so right about one thing, he should assume some of the household repsonsibilites at least..... i hate working all day and coming home to dishes in the sink, a dirty floor and laundry piled up....not to mention he could cook dinner and have it waiting maybe once a week. see, i dont 'ask for much..... hell, i didn't even get a birthday card this passed Friday and that hurt me. i think he just can't do anything while he drinking..... no excuses..... i deserve better is right!
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Old 08-01-2011, 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
well at least i had 3 months of relief, happiness, contentment. but my AH fell of the wagon and is struggling again to "get well". he fears the cost of having to go to rehab again. (we are not one of those who can just waltz in and out of those places and have the state or the government pick up the tab). so given that and the fact that he's been laid off for 2 years is making the horse get to the water that much more difficult.

there is another issue here that i'm hoping someone can help me with. he is manic and has severe depression and he NEEDS meds for this. his GP gave him one month worth of a new med that really seemed to work for him..... he was happy, content and could deal much better with keeping away from the vodka. the GP won't help him any further. now he is a mess and i dont know who or what kind of doctor to call. i dont know where to begin to get him the proper treatment...... do i get a psychiatrist, an MD, a theropist?? i hate all of this.... its depressing me now and that is all we need, a house of gloom....... i'm getting angry at him now and my willingness to be supportive and nuturing is turning into desire to lash out at him and i dont mean it...... i just am so tired of dealing with this..... i'm 52 years old and its time for me to have some peace and happiness in my older years. someone on here said that they don't label babies when there born and stamp "alcoholic" on thier forehead..... but what about a grown man? am i that stupid that i didn't see the signs before saying "i do"??? i feel so damned trapped i just want to run and run as far as my arthritic legs will take me!

oh and i might mention that AA is not an option. he went to a couple of meetings and the religious part of it totally turned him off. as it would me. so please dont' suggest that option. he's so not going to go for all the touchy feeling hugging and circle making kind of stuff....

Hi Breakingglass, this is my first post here. First I'm 54 and we're not old. lol

I wanted to address your husband's bipolar. I have bipolar II and my family doctor was completely useless when it came to meds. Through research I found a med that worked for me. He perscribed it but not at the right dosage. It helped my depression but I was still suicidal. My daughter took me to the ER. From there I got a referral to a psychiatrist who increased the dosage and added one for sleep (non addictive). I feel great now. My suggestion is to that your husband go to the ER. They may also be able to help with referrals to alcohol groups, etc.... He should at least come away with a perscription. I'm in Canada and this is the quickest way here to getting to the top of waiting lists. At the ER I saw a social worker. I was worried that I'd be admitted. If this worries your husband tell him that they will admit you only (here anyway) if you are a danger to yourself or others.

My husband is an alcoholic and he used to say he didn't like AA. Most rehabs are based on AA principles. He goes to a group now that is not connected to AA but I'm not sure if it's secular - he won't discuss it with me which is fine. I think there are threads on this forum talking about groups other than AA. My husband made phone calls and did his own research.

I'm at the point myself that I'm ready to leave. I've detached myself from him but I don't think detachment should include anger and I don't know how to detach when faced with a verbally abusive drunk. That's what brought me here.

I fully relate to feeling trapped and it's taken me 19 years years to get to the point that I'm done and done. I'm worried about making it financially but at this point I don't care if I live on Kraft Dinner. We're never too old to make a change.

By the way, I knew mine had a drinking problem before I married him. My father was an alcoholic but my husband was binge drinking. Since it wasn't every day I figured he wasn't as bad. An AA member came to our house and educated me - he told me he was indeed and alcoholic. I still married him. Don't feel stupid.

I hope that we will both find some answers here.
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Old 08-01-2011, 01:51 PM
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If it's any comfort...I am also 54 years old....and since I removed most of the stress from my life, I look and feel 10 years younger....(both the dog and the cats tell me all the time).

It's kind of peaceful to live by yourself and not have to clean up any mess except the one I make...The Dog is much neater that Mr. Fandy, he doesn't leave laundry, towels dishes anywhere, he helps me exercise and we are both healthier....petting all the guys in the evening lowers my BP...as does the exercise.

maybe you want to suggest to your husband to at least wash the "easy clothes" (sheets towels his own underwear) and change the linens while you are at work...and vacuum, wash the kitchen floor...who knows, the specific tasks might actually help him focus on something....of course this is from a woman's alcoholic perspective, so I may be very off base.
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Old 08-02-2011, 04:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
If it's any comfort...I am also 54 years old....and since I removed most of the stress from my life, I look and feel 10 years younger....(both the dog and the cats tell me all the time).

It's kind of peaceful to live by yourself and not have to clean up any mess except the one I make...The Dog is much neater that Mr. Fandy, he doesn't leave laundry, towels dishes anywhere, he helps me exercise and we are both healthier....petting all the guys in the evening lowers my BP...as does the exercise.

maybe you want to suggest to your husband to at least wash the "easy clothes" (sheets towels his own underwear) and change the linens while you are at work...and vacuum, wash the kitchen floor...who knows, the specific tasks might actually help him focus on something....of course this is from a woman's alcoholic perspective, so I may be very off base.
i've tried to get him to do stuff around the house. yesterday was a nightmare. he promised to wash all the floors and make sure the kitchen was all cleaned so that i could cook dinner when i got home. well, the floors are still dirty and the dishes multiplied. he was drunk, again. only this time i said nothing. i walked in and started cleaning the dishes. then he got up and started yelling at me that i was purposely clanging dishes together. (we dont' own rubber dishes so i truly couldnt' help the noise!). then he proceeded to belittle me, curse at me and finally tell me that he couldnt' stand me any longer. i did something i said i wouldn't do. his mother called and i couldn't help myself. i told her what was going on. its time to get the family involved because i can't do this alone anymore. now i feel bad because she was so proud of his success over the past few months but i just got sick of being the only one who has to live with his "little secret". i am the one who gets abused..... the buck stops here..... i am ready to leave him at a moments notice and have set up a place to go should i need it. my heart is heavy and my nerves are shot. i refuse to live in a home filled with hatered and tension. i await the day Fandy when i too can live in peace. when i can breathe easy.
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Old 08-02-2011, 06:43 AM
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his mother called and i couldn't help myself. i told her what was going on. its time to get the family involved because i can't do this alone anymore. now i feel bad because she was so proud of his success over the past few months but i just got sick of being the only one who has to live with his "little secret".
Hey, I found this really helpful myself. What are you protecting him from -- or yourself from -- by pretending this thing isn't there?

When I let everyone know and stopped protecting him, people poured out of the woodwork to support me and help me out. Turns out addiction and alcoholism touches a LOT of people, and it was worth it to me to let my close friends, family, and close coworkers know what was going on and end the isolation instead of carrying those bags by myself...
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Old 08-02-2011, 06:49 AM
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we all have our saturation point. you can only take so much.

as stressful as everything is, you are thinking clearly and putting yourself at the front of the line....i'm guessing that your husband is not and in deep denial about his problems. whatever meds the doctor gave him for depression will not work well with a heavy dose of booze on top.
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Old 08-02-2011, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
we all have our saturation point. you can only take so much.

as stressful as everything is, you are thinking clearly and putting yourself at the front of the line....i'm guessing that your husband is not and in deep denial about his problems. whatever meds the doctor gave him for depression will not work well with a heavy dose of booze on top.
the thing is that when he did take those meds he wasn't drinking and he was fine with that....as soon as the pills ran out and he couldnt' get more of the same from his GP, he started drinking again.....he needs some serious councelling..... he doesn NOT need me as much as he thinks he does. i have made life easy for him..... i blame myself for that. but now its time for him to stand up and take control. its time for me to do the same for ME.

i'm so very thankful that people on here can relate to me. and i do apologize for lashing out at you earlier.... i guess i am a little bitter and angry. i didn't mean to sound so uptight about what you said....maybe that is because what you said held more truth than i wanted to hear...... but those kinds of truths do make me stronger....so thanks for that!
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