UNbelievable!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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UNbelievable!
What a fat load of cr-p on a hot sidewalk. 
Hang on or hang up, 'cause it's gonna be long.
6.5 years holding onto the same lie and 6.5 years of me believing it. Stupid me, knowing what the answers most likely were, but still hoping they weren't, I went digging yesterday. WTH was my head?! (for all of it - the 6.5+ years and yesterday)
Why do I do this? Doesn't XAAH give me enough cr-p? (Yes) And, it's just stuff for pete's sake....
Background: About the time DS was born (6.5 years ago), XAAH owned a moving company and was (supposedly) partnering with another company - owned by a friend (lets call him Stanley) who attended our wedding - for out-of-state moves. Towards the end of the business, XAAH moved the rest of our stuff and my Mom's washer and dryer for our use up from Washington and was hired to move belongings up for family friends (my family friends) - they PAID him normal rates for the move - paid with no discounted family/friends rate that XAAH would give to any one who would drink a few with him while he worked up the estimate..... XAAH "had some of the stuff sent up separately." Later told me and the family friends that it was stored at Stanley's business - it was safe and sound.
Fast forward a bit, as part of the divorce decree, XAAH was by court order supposed to return items in his possession. He told the court it'd be no problem, he'd been trying to give it all back to me for years. Ummmm yeah, he'd been saying for years he'd go get it and bring it, but never followed through.
Any way, of course nothing shows up by the deadline except him with a bag of garbage (most likely literally) from his GF's house. Yelling at me that he was mad he had to do the move for the friends (which again he was paid for) and mad that he had to move our stuff up from Washington. That it was all in a connex and he'd just have Stanley park the f-ing connex across the end of the driveway and see how we like that!
OK - I KNOW - I even KNEW before all this - that it's GONE. Gone daddy gone. And yet I still poke at it with a stick.
Well, after talking with the friend who XAAH said had most of our stuff and all of DS's toys, I found out that:
I called Stanley and asked if XAAH had stored 2 items with him. (BTW I hadn't contacted him because I stupidly believed XAAH who said Stanley and his wife were PO'd at me for leaving XAAH.) Found out:
So. What did I learn?
Why do I do this? Why can't I leave it alone? I KNOW XAAH was a mean, abusive d-head. I know he can't tell the truth if it crawled into his mouth and tried to jump out. I know he thinks I'm not worth truth or respect. I know, I know, I know. And yet I keep going looking for anything that he said that might be true.... WHY?
Sorry for the diatribe (and language) and thanks' for letting me vent.
Hang on or hang up, 'cause it's gonna be long.6.5 years holding onto the same lie and 6.5 years of me believing it. Stupid me, knowing what the answers most likely were, but still hoping they weren't, I went digging yesterday. WTH was my head?! (for all of it - the 6.5+ years and yesterday)
Why do I do this? Doesn't XAAH give me enough cr-p? (Yes) And, it's just stuff for pete's sake....
Background: About the time DS was born (6.5 years ago), XAAH owned a moving company and was (supposedly) partnering with another company - owned by a friend (lets call him Stanley) who attended our wedding - for out-of-state moves. Towards the end of the business, XAAH moved the rest of our stuff and my Mom's washer and dryer for our use up from Washington and was hired to move belongings up for family friends (my family friends) - they PAID him normal rates for the move - paid with no discounted family/friends rate that XAAH would give to any one who would drink a few with him while he worked up the estimate..... XAAH "had some of the stuff sent up separately." Later told me and the family friends that it was stored at Stanley's business - it was safe and sound.
Fast forward a bit, as part of the divorce decree, XAAH was by court order supposed to return items in his possession. He told the court it'd be no problem, he'd been trying to give it all back to me for years. Ummmm yeah, he'd been saying for years he'd go get it and bring it, but never followed through.
Any way, of course nothing shows up by the deadline except him with a bag of garbage (most likely literally) from his GF's house. Yelling at me that he was mad he had to do the move for the friends (which again he was paid for) and mad that he had to move our stuff up from Washington. That it was all in a connex and he'd just have Stanley park the f-ing connex across the end of the driveway and see how we like that!
OK - I KNOW - I even KNEW before all this - that it's GONE. Gone daddy gone. And yet I still poke at it with a stick.
Well, after talking with the friend who XAAH said had most of our stuff and all of DS's toys, I found out that:
- XAAH never showed up there to get our belongings to deliver them and had in fact given most of the toys to his drug-buddy and his kids
- There was no second water leak that XAAH's GF claimed was why XAAH didn't bring it. According to her, he was only trying to be nice and didn't want to give me water damaged goods. -- Ain't he thoughtful? PFFFFFHTH
I called Stanley and asked if XAAH had stored 2 items with him. (BTW I hadn't contacted him because I stupidly believed XAAH who said Stanley and his wife were PO'd at me for leaving XAAH.) Found out:
- Nothing was ever stored at Stanley's business. Moves were scheduled so they could be boxed up and immediately shipped out or delivered, with maybe a few days lag.
- Stanley partnered with XAAH on ONE out-of-state move and that was it.
- When XAAH lost one job and told me he was working at Stanley's for months - it was only 2 weeks.
So. What did I learn?
- I'm completely gullible when it comes to believing XAAH when he says people sided with him on me leaving him because of his drinking.
- I was a stupid schmuck who believed him for years.
- I apparently like to pick at wounds and make them hurt again - why else would I go digging when I know the stuff is GONE?
- The alcohol didn't completely addle his brain making him forget that he promised to go hiking, to the park, to get the car running, to bring the stuff by, etc., because he was able to remember and hold onto this storage lie for 6.5 YEARS!!!
- And the saddest one of all - I still want to believe him. I want to believe XAAH told me the truth at least some time and that the friends are lying....
Why do I do this? Why can't I leave it alone? I KNOW XAAH was a mean, abusive d-head. I know he can't tell the truth if it crawled into his mouth and tried to jump out. I know he thinks I'm not worth truth or respect. I know, I know, I know. And yet I keep going looking for anything that he said that might be true.... WHY?
Sorry for the diatribe (and language) and thanks' for letting me vent.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Vent away!
You are wasting your time looking for some truth from him. Spend your time doing something positive for you and your child.
Leave him in your dust, he isn't worth another moment of your time!
I understand, I also found the lies difficult to deal with, finally had to accept that my exabf was a nut job, and left it at that.
You are wasting your time looking for some truth from him. Spend your time doing something positive for you and your child.
Leave him in your dust, he isn't worth another moment of your time!
I understand, I also found the lies difficult to deal with, finally had to accept that my exabf was a nut job, and left it at that.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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Ahwww, man, I know - intellectually at least - that it's a waste of time and that I need to really hang on and own the thought behind my tagline.
But, d-mn. What about me makes it so easy for him to lie to me? And to have done it for so long? What about me makes me want to still believe him even in the face of what the truth is? How do you even start to uncover what that is?
But, d-mn. What about me makes it so easy for him to lie to me? And to have done it for so long? What about me makes me want to still believe him even in the face of what the truth is? How do you even start to uncover what that is?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I can hear the feelings in your post. 
You know don't you that it isn't you that is not worth truth or respect, or even that he thinks that. He is not capable of truth and respect - no matter who is standing in front of him. His shortcomings are a reflection of him, not you.
You are cheating yourself out of today when you muck around in the past.
One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering. ~~ Ida Scott Taylor
You know don't you that it isn't you that is not worth truth or respect, or even that he thinks that. He is not capable of truth and respect - no matter who is standing in front of him. His shortcomings are a reflection of him, not you.
You are cheating yourself out of today when you muck around in the past.
One day at a time - this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering. ~~ Ida Scott Taylor
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Maybe now that you are really angry, you may not be so gulliable in the future. Honestly, we codies want to believe, just as much as we want to help.
Several years ago I was at a meeting and another woman said: "Women with poor bounderies commonly nurse fantasies of their relationships, they do not face reality."
Yep, gotta say, that was me, I was playing "Lets Pretend."
Then I got mad and the sheet hit the fan.
Several years ago I was at a meeting and another woman said: "Women with poor bounderies commonly nurse fantasies of their relationships, they do not face reality."
Yep, gotta say, that was me, I was playing "Lets Pretend."
Then I got mad and the sheet hit the fan.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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I've been thinking about this more. And I'm reading, truly.
I think what it might be, at least in part is: if he lied about this for this long, what else did he lie about and for how long? Did I waste 16 years dating and then marrying a man who never really loved me? Was I always just a gullible twit who made sure all his bills were paid, he had a place to crash, just ever some one to use and abuse? I thought he loved me at least at the start. But what if he didn't? What does that say about me?
I think what it might be, at least in part is: if he lied about this for this long, what else did he lie about and for how long? Did I waste 16 years dating and then marrying a man who never really loved me? Was I always just a gullible twit who made sure all his bills were paid, he had a place to crash, just ever some one to use and abuse? I thought he loved me at least at the start. But what if he didn't? What does that say about me?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
tu,
We ALL got taken in by lies that we believed in good faith, or ones that we wanted to believe. My last relationship wasn't with an alcoholic (nor did he ever cheat on me, that I'm aware of), but he was a chronic liar--mostly about things that would make him look good. I felt suckered, too, when my kids later told me they never believed a word of it.
I think the bigger problem for you, at this point, is that you are still so disappointed by it. In AA they talk about people who are "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." Usually that extends to their ability to be honest with others. He is who he is. If I were you, I'd work on letting it go.
We ALL got taken in by lies that we believed in good faith, or ones that we wanted to believe. My last relationship wasn't with an alcoholic (nor did he ever cheat on me, that I'm aware of), but he was a chronic liar--mostly about things that would make him look good. I felt suckered, too, when my kids later told me they never believed a word of it.
I think the bigger problem for you, at this point, is that you are still so disappointed by it. In AA they talk about people who are "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves." Usually that extends to their ability to be honest with others. He is who he is. If I were you, I'd work on letting it go.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by theuncertainty 
I've been thinking about this more. And I'm reading, truly.
I think what it might be, at least in part is: if he lied about this for this long, what else did he lie about and for how long? Did I waste 16 years dating and then marrying a man who never really loved me? Was I always just a gullible twit who made sure all his bills were paid, he had a place to crash, just ever some one to use and abuse? I thought he loved me at least at the start. But what if he didn't? What does that say about me?
I think what it might be, at least in part is: if he lied about this for this long, what else did he lie about and for how long? Did I waste 16 years dating and then marrying a man who never really loved me? Was I always just a gullible twit who made sure all his bills were paid, he had a place to crash, just ever some one to use and abuse? I thought he loved me at least at the start. But what if he didn't? What does that say about me?
All we really have is the moment right in front of us. That's it, no guarantees past that point, and the past is the past.
There are days I get back on track by asking myself if I am living life to the fullest at any given moment.
When you go to bed tonight and review your day, what's it going to look like?
Sending you hugs of support!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Latte
Sometimes it's nice to get stuff out of my head. I hope you feel better with that stuff outside of your head rather than swimming inside it.
Life is not only worth living again, it's worth enjoying.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
Originally Posted by theuncertainty
But, d-mn. What about me makes it so easy for him to lie to me? And to have done it for so long? What about me makes me want to still believe him even in the face of what the truth is? How do you even start to uncover what that is?
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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Exactly what fedup said.
Normal people don't lie about everything. The fact that you are still able to think he might be telling the truth means you're not as damaged by your relationship with him as you could have been.
You're a decent person. He's not.
Normal people don't lie about everything. The fact that you are still able to think he might be telling the truth means you're not as damaged by your relationship with him as you could have been.
You're a decent person. He's not.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Thank you all, I do feel a little better having let it all out.
Still. I wonder... Is there some inherent fault or weakness in me that I accepted these lies for so long... Issues to work out in therapy perhaps - not necessarily here. Like there's something in me that I need to fix before ....
Before what? I don't know. Start any other relationship? Maybe, but there are none on the horizon, any way...
Before I pass the flaw along to DS?
Before.... before I drive myself crazy.
Huh.... Well, I have to say, like the Tao story of the monk carrying the woman across water, I'm putting this one down now. At least for a little - questions unanswered and all. May or may not be healthy to do, but I'm gonna ignore it while we have absolutely beautiful weather today, and maybe tomorrow.
Love y'all!
Still. I wonder... Is there some inherent fault or weakness in me that I accepted these lies for so long... Issues to work out in therapy perhaps - not necessarily here. Like there's something in me that I need to fix before ....
Before what? I don't know. Start any other relationship? Maybe, but there are none on the horizon, any way...
Before I pass the flaw along to DS?
Before.... before I drive myself crazy.
Huh.... Well, I have to say, like the Tao story of the monk carrying the woman across water, I'm putting this one down now. At least for a little - questions unanswered and all. May or may not be healthy to do, but I'm gonna ignore it while we have absolutely beautiful weather today, and maybe tomorrow.
Love y'all!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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I'm confused. How do you detach from the A, his lies and his family when you have doubts that your child is safe with them? Is this even something to detach from? - they all tell me I'm over-reacting, but...
XFIL came and picked up DS for his visit on Saturday with XAAH this weekend. I found out Sunday morning that XAAH was not even in town - is on a vacation trip to CA. I called DS on his emergency phone and asked him where he was and he said "With Daddy." I told him that I didn't think that was accurate and he asked "How do you know?" so I asked him to hand the phone to Auntie or Grandpa and he handed the phone to XSIL.
I asked her why I wasn't told that XAAH was in CA and she said he's working in Fairbanks. I lost it; I'm not proud of it, but I did. When I told her to bring DS home, she refused, when I said I was coming to get him she refused saying they were on their way out of town to go to a dog show. She started telling me she couldn't talk with me right then because I was being unreasonable about DS's visits with his father. I started telling her about the abuse and r-pes and and why XAAH is supposed to have supervised visits and she said to not take it out on her because they were on their way to show her dog. And reiterated that XAAH has every right to see his son. ?? XAAH was not even in the same state, how could he be seeing his son? She yelled at me about XAAH only getting every other weekend - EXCUSE ME? It's every weekend.
Is it unreasonable to be concerned about where DS is when they're lying to me about the visit? Am I unreasonable to be concerned that they appear to be instructing DS to lie about who he's with?
I'm trying to get an appointment with my lawyer, but I am so, so afraid that this is just going to be brushed aside like "Well what can you do? You agreed to let them supervise the visits. All the judge will do is yell at him and then you'll have a harder time with them." I also need to get myself under control before I see her. I don't want her telling me again I need to see a therapist because none of this is abuse.
He continues to lie, to dodge his responsibilities and no one is holding him accountable: CS, medical coverage, abuse counseling, providing proof of his income. He continues to verbally abuse, has enlisted his family and girlfriend to lie and manipulate. And nothing. Nothing. How can this be good for DS? How do I protect him from abuse when the people who are supposed to supervise are lying to protect the abuser and asking DS to lie?
I spoke with DS about lying after he'd been home a while yesterday. I told him that I wanted him to feel he could tell me the truth about anything. He said OK and hugged me.
I don't really expect answers... Just venting. Maybe hugs. No one here hugs me. Except DS and I will NOT vent to him about this or sit and cry in front of him. My sister is on another business trip and Dad is working on his house and his wife's family is visiting. Mom and another sister are in Washington and my brother is in L.A. I can vent to IRL friends, but I must give off no-hug vibes because no one holds my shoulder or hand and I just really need that right now.
All I want is a quiet life. Well, not quiet, content. I want to be content - and that's not the same as happy. No one is happy all the time. But I want to feel safe, I want to feel that DS is safe... I want to believe the visitation supervisors are protecting HIM, not XAAH. How do I get there from here? Am I going crazy? Am I already?
XFIL came and picked up DS for his visit on Saturday with XAAH this weekend. I found out Sunday morning that XAAH was not even in town - is on a vacation trip to CA. I called DS on his emergency phone and asked him where he was and he said "With Daddy." I told him that I didn't think that was accurate and he asked "How do you know?" so I asked him to hand the phone to Auntie or Grandpa and he handed the phone to XSIL.
I asked her why I wasn't told that XAAH was in CA and she said he's working in Fairbanks. I lost it; I'm not proud of it, but I did. When I told her to bring DS home, she refused, when I said I was coming to get him she refused saying they were on their way out of town to go to a dog show. She started telling me she couldn't talk with me right then because I was being unreasonable about DS's visits with his father. I started telling her about the abuse and r-pes and and why XAAH is supposed to have supervised visits and she said to not take it out on her because they were on their way to show her dog. And reiterated that XAAH has every right to see his son. ?? XAAH was not even in the same state, how could he be seeing his son? She yelled at me about XAAH only getting every other weekend - EXCUSE ME? It's every weekend.
Is it unreasonable to be concerned about where DS is when they're lying to me about the visit? Am I unreasonable to be concerned that they appear to be instructing DS to lie about who he's with?
I'm trying to get an appointment with my lawyer, but I am so, so afraid that this is just going to be brushed aside like "Well what can you do? You agreed to let them supervise the visits. All the judge will do is yell at him and then you'll have a harder time with them." I also need to get myself under control before I see her. I don't want her telling me again I need to see a therapist because none of this is abuse.
He continues to lie, to dodge his responsibilities and no one is holding him accountable: CS, medical coverage, abuse counseling, providing proof of his income. He continues to verbally abuse, has enlisted his family and girlfriend to lie and manipulate. And nothing. Nothing. How can this be good for DS? How do I protect him from abuse when the people who are supposed to supervise are lying to protect the abuser and asking DS to lie?
I spoke with DS about lying after he'd been home a while yesterday. I told him that I wanted him to feel he could tell me the truth about anything. He said OK and hugged me.
I don't really expect answers... Just venting. Maybe hugs. No one here hugs me. Except DS and I will NOT vent to him about this or sit and cry in front of him. My sister is on another business trip and Dad is working on his house and his wife's family is visiting. Mom and another sister are in Washington and my brother is in L.A. I can vent to IRL friends, but I must give off no-hug vibes because no one holds my shoulder or hand and I just really need that right now.
All I want is a quiet life. Well, not quiet, content. I want to be content - and that's not the same as happy. No one is happy all the time. But I want to feel safe, I want to feel that DS is safe... I want to believe the visitation supervisors are protecting HIM, not XAAH. How do I get there from here? Am I going crazy? Am I already?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
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BTW, I sent an e-mail to XSIL to apologize. I do not think I can talk to her yet without going off when she starts spouting about letting her brother see DS without any strings attached.
Here's the e-mail. I find I'm doubting that this was a good idea...
Was I out of line with the e-mail?
Here's the e-mail. I find I'm doubting that this was a good idea...
XSIL, I am sorry for the phone call this morning. I should have gone for a walk after finding out XAAH lied, even by omission, about the weekend before calling. I thought that you and XFIL were lying to me as well; I don't know why it didn't occur to me that he may have been lying to you also. (Regarding where he is this weekend and the nature of his visitation obligations.)
Here is a short summary of the current court standing:
XAAH voluntarily gave up legal and physical custody. He has supervised visits with DS, due to his alcoholism, verbal and sexual abuse, and being caught in several lies in court. He is supposed to complete a domestic abuse counseling course. He has 2 out of every 3 weekends with DS, supervised, and on the third weekend he gets DS for dinner, also supervised. You, XFIL and GF are the current court approved supervisors and one of you is to be within sight or sound of XAAH and DS during visits. Visit supervisors, or at least GF since she was present at the hearing and was so instructed, have an obligation to the court to report any drinking or drug use or if XAAH engages in any verbally, or emotionally abusive behavior.
I want the L family to be a part of DS's life. I would however ask for honesty and consideration in those interactions.
I believe XAAH has told your father that I denied visits with DS, because our neighbor, asked me why XFIL hadn't been allowed to see DS for so long. Please know that I have never denied XAAH any visits, other than one day before there was any schedule in place and he called the morning of the day he wanted DS and we already had plans.
Please let me know if you have any questions or what type of contact you do or do not want in the future. I am not a mind reader, for me to know how much DS and I can rely on you, I need to know what you're thinking.
Thank you,
TU
Here is a short summary of the current court standing:
XAAH voluntarily gave up legal and physical custody. He has supervised visits with DS, due to his alcoholism, verbal and sexual abuse, and being caught in several lies in court. He is supposed to complete a domestic abuse counseling course. He has 2 out of every 3 weekends with DS, supervised, and on the third weekend he gets DS for dinner, also supervised. You, XFIL and GF are the current court approved supervisors and one of you is to be within sight or sound of XAAH and DS during visits. Visit supervisors, or at least GF since she was present at the hearing and was so instructed, have an obligation to the court to report any drinking or drug use or if XAAH engages in any verbally, or emotionally abusive behavior.
I want the L family to be a part of DS's life. I would however ask for honesty and consideration in those interactions.
I believe XAAH has told your father that I denied visits with DS, because our neighbor, asked me why XFIL hadn't been allowed to see DS for so long. Please know that I have never denied XAAH any visits, other than one day before there was any schedule in place and he called the morning of the day he wanted DS and we already had plans.
Please let me know if you have any questions or what type of contact you do or do not want in the future. I am not a mind reader, for me to know how much DS and I can rely on you, I need to know what you're thinking.
Thank you,
TU
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, first things first...lots of hugs!
I have issues, the SIL and other family members are teaching your son that it is ok to lie, to me, this is not good, he is being told it is ok to lie to his mother, just like his father does. So, in my little pea brain, I feel that these people are toxic and will not be a good influence on your son.
As for your e I think it is ok, although, I do not feel that they will pay any attention to what you have stated, they will continue to believe and cover up for your husband, they are in denial.
I too, would go to your attorney, I would discuss this issue with him, perhaps it would be in your best interest for him to send a letter to all clearly explaining the requirements of the court ordered visitation.
Are you being unreasonable, no way, please document as much as you can, this will be on ongoing battle.
I have issues, the SIL and other family members are teaching your son that it is ok to lie, to me, this is not good, he is being told it is ok to lie to his mother, just like his father does. So, in my little pea brain, I feel that these people are toxic and will not be a good influence on your son.
As for your e I think it is ok, although, I do not feel that they will pay any attention to what you have stated, they will continue to believe and cover up for your husband, they are in denial.
I too, would go to your attorney, I would discuss this issue with him, perhaps it would be in your best interest for him to send a letter to all clearly explaining the requirements of the court ordered visitation.
Are you being unreasonable, no way, please document as much as you can, this will be on ongoing battle.
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Posts: 6,278
Hugs from me, too! :ghug3
I don't think your email is out of line, but it really depends on your motivation. Only you know what that is. Is it to try and smooth things over so as not to rock the boat? If so, then I would say it's people-pleasing. Is it to try and change their behavior? If so, then it's unrealistic expectations and you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
If it is just stating facts, clarifying your position, and getting some things on the record, then I don't see a problem with it. I would save it and whatever (if any) response you get for your attorney. From where I sit, it appears a change in visitation is in order. At the very least, a change in who supervises the visitation. In my state, there are paid supervisors who provide the service and, if required, the person who must be supervised must pay the fees.
I don't know what your next step should be, other than discussing it with your attorney. I do understand the protective momma instincts and don't think you are over-reacting. Remember, you only have to do the next right thing. If you do that, it will work out in the end.
L
I don't think your email is out of line, but it really depends on your motivation. Only you know what that is. Is it to try and smooth things over so as not to rock the boat? If so, then I would say it's people-pleasing. Is it to try and change their behavior? If so, then it's unrealistic expectations and you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
If it is just stating facts, clarifying your position, and getting some things on the record, then I don't see a problem with it. I would save it and whatever (if any) response you get for your attorney. From where I sit, it appears a change in visitation is in order. At the very least, a change in who supervises the visitation. In my state, there are paid supervisors who provide the service and, if required, the person who must be supervised must pay the fees.
I don't know what your next step should be, other than discussing it with your attorney. I do understand the protective momma instincts and don't think you are over-reacting. Remember, you only have to do the next right thing. If you do that, it will work out in the end.
L
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Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Gaaah, LaTeeDa, I think my motivation is a big ol' mix of everything you posted. Clarifying, steadying the boat and a "please, please like me, you said I was family." and a plea to acknowledge that XAAH is abusive and DS needs to be protected from that. And I think that's why I'm a bit uneasy about it, because it's not just to give a straight forward "here are the facts ma'am, just the facts." Because, they're his family, of course they're going to back him. I'm trying very hard not to give them any ammo to use against me.
And it's coming. I do need to ask that the visitation be revised.... I know the court doesn't care how it affects me, but it's not in DS's best interest to be with people who ask DS lie to his mother, is it? And yes, he's learning to lie to me just like XAAH does. And I'm still concerned about certain abuses being directed at DS since I'm not physically there to take it any more.
XAAH told XSIL that he only got DS every other weekend. I don't understand. What's the point? It's public record. They can check it. They can get copies of the court documents or a recording of the actual hearings directly from the court if they're worried that I'm lying about how often XAAH gets to see DS or or the outcome.
I'm scared. I'm so scared that I'll take this back to the court and they'll blame me, say I'm just being vindictive, or that since I have DS "most of the time" that I should be able to counter their lying influence, and take DS from me.
And it's coming. I do need to ask that the visitation be revised.... I know the court doesn't care how it affects me, but it's not in DS's best interest to be with people who ask DS lie to his mother, is it? And yes, he's learning to lie to me just like XAAH does. And I'm still concerned about certain abuses being directed at DS since I'm not physically there to take it any more.
XAAH told XSIL that he only got DS every other weekend. I don't understand. What's the point? It's public record. They can check it. They can get copies of the court documents or a recording of the actual hearings directly from the court if they're worried that I'm lying about how often XAAH gets to see DS or or the outcome.
I'm scared. I'm so scared that I'll take this back to the court and they'll blame me, say I'm just being vindictive, or that since I have DS "most of the time" that I should be able to counter their lying influence, and take DS from me.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Please don't be scared, judges are not into blame, they are interested in protecting the minor child. You are awfulizing, projecting into the future, we codies do that all the time.
I know it, I've been there, however, it is not a productive state of mind. They are not going to take your son from you.
My father always said "Be like a fighter in the ring, fight fair, but, protect yourself at all times." So, protect yourself by documenting everything, keep your eyes and ears open and keep your attorney advised.
You are a good caring mother, don't ever forget that and keep moving forward, don't let fear paralyze you!
I know it, I've been there, however, it is not a productive state of mind. They are not going to take your son from you.
My father always said "Be like a fighter in the ring, fight fair, but, protect yourself at all times." So, protect yourself by documenting everything, keep your eyes and ears open and keep your attorney advised.
You are a good caring mother, don't ever forget that and keep moving forward, don't let fear paralyze you!
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