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In a strange state of mind...

Old 05-27-2011, 07:53 AM
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In a strange state of mind...

And I can't quite pinpoint why, but I have shut down emotionally. Even my therapist told me to basically not come back until I was ready to let go of this place I am in. He said it nicely, of course. And he's right...its like I have dug myself a hole, curled up in it, and refuse to come out. I did make myself to go a meeting yesterday, and I am glad that I did, but force is the operative word. I was so pissed by the time I got there...it took a solid 15 minutes to re-focus and be able to listen. And I can't describe exactly what I was so angry about.

I am irritable and snappy and intolerant...the smallest of things set me spinning. I am isolating...probably best anyway right now so I don't take anyone else's head off in the process. Certainly staying away from the RAH right now.

Its been a few weeks of this. I miss me, the person who was looking forward to rebuilding her life and enjoying her summer without the stress and constant chaos of the RAH's recovery and our so-called marriage looming over me. I was looking forward to a lot of things, and now I am just numb. Just as I am on the brink of taking my life back, I've hit a wall.

Thoughts? Suggestions? I feel like I need shock therapy or something - anything to rev me back up, so to speak. What is wrong with me? Is this normal?
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:04 AM
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Good morning, Tuffgirl.
I've heard from several people here that it's okay to not file a divorce if it's uncomfortable. I also learned that it's okay to not have to do anything right now.
Maybe you don't need to do anything right now and maybe that includes being happy and maybe that's okay too.

Anvil's post really blasted me with some insight into how recovery works for an addict at the chemical level. I like data like that. It takes the mystery away and puts a little more scientific knowledge into why they do what they do when they're recovering or slipping up.

What's my point? Maybe my point is more questions.

If we can agree or at least understand there are chemical imbalances in the brain due to alcohol use and the changes once a person seeks sobriety, can we also agree or speculate that we, the codies, the friends and families also have a chemical imbalance while we're recovering?
If this rings a bell with anyone, is it possible that you're currently at a phase where the feel good stuff is missing? Is it possible that tomorrow you'll start to feel better? Maybe the day after? Will you feel good for a while, paint your house and in 45 days feel down again? Can you look at that post, reflect your recent swings and actually plot yourself somewhere on a graph?
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:11 AM
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Numb...The feeling of numbness...Like a deer in front of headlights

I still have days like that.

Sometimes I think its fear deep inside of me. I fear the murkey water
under my feet, I can feel it, but I cant see whats underneath my feet.

Sometimes I think its the calmness after the storm, my emotions
have been rode hard and then all of a sudden, they settle down. (Numb)
Almost kind of a boring feeling....

Suck it in and learn to enjoy the peaceful moments, the (Numb) moments...

I have been so use to major chaos, that peaceful days sometimes
feel weird......

Sometimes I think when we are in limbo of a marriage it also causes (Numb)
I was there a few weeks ago (Numb), now Im back on the ride of choas & an emotional
"RUSH" of divorce.....

I cant wait, until I am (Numb) again....

I think....(Numb) is sometimes good.
It is a time for our minds & our hearts to take a rest!!
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:15 AM
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And on the girley girl.... side of advice & thoughts....

"Get Your Ass Up & Start Painting Those Beautiful Colors"

Colored Paint "ROCKS" My World - Bwahaha

And go buy yourself some "CHEETAH" print pants...Time to SPICE up your life!!!

XoXo To Ya!!!
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:18 AM
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Tuffgirl,

I think it's OK to let yourself do what you need to do. I sort of see the emotions I'm going to have to go through like this huge closet, the contents of which I'm not really sure of but they're kind of scary and either way, it's going to be a gigantic PITA to sort through it all... and sometimes, when you're on the verge of a landslide from the top shelf, you just have to allow yourself to slam the door shut for a while. Clean up the stuff you already did take out of there. Sort it through, take some to the landfill, see what can be cleaned up and recycled or made into something useful.

One of the most useful things I ever learned was to replace "should" with "could" in my inner monolog. You could choose to dive into these feelings that you're hiding from. But there is nothing that says you should, right now.

Give yourself space and grace. Go for a walk by the ocean. Dig your toes into the sand. Read a trashy novel (or a good one). Focus on some self-care, rather than on what you think you ought to be doing.

I see this forward movement much as I see physical training: You lift weights to get stronger, but the real work is done while you rest and let your body heal and grow. You've done SO much in a fairly short period of time. Give yourself time to rest and heal. Maybe that's what you need right now? Maybe you need to curl up in a safe place and determine that it's safe? That you're safe?

Big hugs!
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:34 AM
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tuffgirl, in my experience... im always all for letting our minds lead us through emotion or non-emotion. if you think of your brain as a muscle, it makes sense that right now it's in a state of numbness. it has gone through an ironman marathon and needs to "veg" out.

i remember going through this for a couple of weeks... i think after OUR brains get out of survival mode of living with an active A in our lives... when it learns that it can "relax" w/o tension--it grabs that opportunity. right now, your brain probably needs to stop spinning--so, take this opportunity to enjoy the non-emotional rollercoaster--do the normal life maintenance of getting your life back in order. it may be alarming to be going about your day numb, especially after living with constant worry/tension/high state of awareness (i.e. walking on eggshells); so let your brain take the vacation it chose to take. it'll come back "on" whenever your brain is ready to start processing your emotions again.

imho, i think this is a GOOD thing--your brain is compartmentalizing so that you can get your strength back to tackle the task at hand.

it won't be permanent. so no worries
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:48 AM
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Thanks guys. Your posts made me cry - amazingly a glimpse of emotion, eh? Guess its in there after all.

I've got this running thought through my head - "I want my life back...I want my life back...I want my life back"

Ya know, I really don't miss the RAH much. I think underneath it all I am relieved to see him gone. But I miss me. The person I was before I met him and got on this crazy train ride. I've quietly gone no contact...although we have a bit of unfinished move stuff to take care of, but that can wait. I don't even think he has noticed. I know right now I don't care. Maybe I do, maybe its underneath the numbness.

Maybe you're right - being numb right now is ok. It doesn't have to mean anything, or be a symptom of something wrong. It just is.

I read Anvil's thread and it hit home for me, too, Especially the chemical effects of withdrawal. I can't help but wonder if we experience the same thing. Just a crashing down after finally removing ourselves from the chaos of addiction. I feel like I was in HURRY UP mode and now what? What do I do with the anger, the disappointment?

I have wondered all week - am I really mad at him? Or myself? Sure, I can get mad at him. But really...I think I am more mad at me. For allowing this to happen in the first place - god I married this guy knowing something wasn't right at the time. I was supposed to protect my children and instead I invited chaos into our family. What do you do when the anger you feel is self directed? I can't yell at myself. Or throw things at me. Or punch myself in the face.

Damn, I want off the roller coaster. And I am now having to accept the fact that even though I physically got off the ride 5 months ago...I am still reeling from it all. I want my life back.

This just sucks.
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:54 AM
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I hit that wall too. Just let yourself be what you need to be now. You will come back. You will, I promise. Lillamy nailed it.

I also felt (and still feel) mad at myself sometimes. That's a really normal reaction. It takes time, but it gets better. My getting mad at myself is a stream now, instead of an all-consuming tidal wave. I can step over the stream. Just give it time. The best advice I got was if you wake up mad, let yourself be mad. If you wake up sad, let yourself be sad. If you wake up with no emotions, let yourself be. Obviously, you should be in sad bury your head in the pillow for weeks...but numb. Numb is just fine.
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Old 05-27-2011, 09:51 AM
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"make myself to go a meeting yesterday, and I am glad that I did"

Keep going back, even if it is by forcing yourself. Go to more meetings if you have time. The way out of this hole is to climb out of it. Read some alanon books, go for a great hike, see a movie. I think it is perfectly okay to feel numb and be numb but you can't stay numb. Find things that help, even if it is only temporary.
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Old 05-27-2011, 09:55 AM
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Ditto what everyone else said. Just take a step back and recognize that this is a phase in the process of regaining your true self. Grief and anger and emotional backlash take about 4 months to come around, ask any widow. Developmentally, you're right on track. It'll get better. I'm right behind you on the timeline, and still feeling giddy and strong. But I know I'm going to hit retreat mode pretty soon. As the Red Queen said to Alice, " Remember who you are!"

- Sylvie
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Old 05-27-2011, 10:02 AM
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I'm still in "coma" stage. Any little change in routine sets me off emotionally and confuses me. It takes a while to mellow out and start dealing with life without freaking out every 5 minutes.

best wishes to you!
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Old 05-27-2011, 10:06 AM
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I am feeling the same way. Less patient with the kids, not patient AT ALL with the new girl at work. Feeling overworked/underpaid, stressed, angry, impatient, constantly rushed and pulled in all directions. It's making me CRABBY. Not sure what it is either. I threw myself a little tantrum the other night after I got the kids to bed. Felt better for a while, then it started up again the next morning. I am also trying to figure it out, dig myself out. I don't have words of advice, but you are not alone! I am right there with you.......HUGS to you.
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:02 AM
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Hey Tuffgirl,
I see that the time between your posts has already changed.
You were numb and unemotional.
You're currently processing your emotions.

Excellent progress!
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
Hey Tuffgirl,
I see that the time between your posts has already changed.
You were numb and unemotional.
You're currently processing your emotions.

Excellent progress!
Shell - You crack me up...even under your given circumstances you can still make people here laugh. That's awesome!

I am grateful to hear this is normal; this is not me being some kind of f-ed up...that this is just a part of the process. That others feel the same way. My friend at work gave me a piece of Dove chocolate with a little note on the inside wrapper that says "happiness looks good on you". I am keeping this wrapper. Someday, I think it will look good on me.

Thanks, all!
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Old 05-27-2011, 12:09 PM
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Hi Tuffgirl, I don't have much to add but I do want to say I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I don't know if it's been mentioned, but have you considered asking a Dr. for an anti-depressant? I have been on A/D's for probably 10 years and they can really help. (((((Hugs))))))
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Old 05-27-2011, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by japabp2000 View Post
Hi Tuffgirl, I don't have much to add but I do want to say I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I don't know if it's been mentioned, but have you considered asking a Dr. for an anti-depressant? I have been on A/D's for probably 10 years and they can really help. (((((Hugs))))))
Ya know - I actually had a Dr. appt this afternoon and she prescribed one of a different class than what I take right now. Said it would balance the other out - and reduce anxiety more than what I currently take. Thought I would try this for 30 days and see if this, combined with no real contact with the RAH, helps.

I am recognizing that his presence makes me anxious.

I can fix that quite easily.

I also took time off to sit in the sunshine and read. I am so behind at work but ahhhh - I needed that.

Feeling much better tonight! Much better! ; )
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Old 05-27-2011, 08:25 PM
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Tuffgirl-I'm the same way as well. Can't put my finger on it but I've not been in a funk-more a funky mood.

No paitence, no tolerance, snappy, irritable, a friend put it down to menopause...could be, with a different take on it - "men" o "pause", in other words, a pause from men....in particular, my EXABF. It's been 2 months, and for the first little while, I was busy-my mom was visiting, I had to clean the house, do the yard, I was keeping busy and then started school.

After my mom left, it was just me and the dog and I guess it all hit me - hadn't had a chance to process the breakup and deal with my feelings about all what had happened.

I began to think that the chaos was gone from my life and once that happened, I would magically move on,free to be me, to enjoy this new phase of my life but then I realized that I was an addict as well, addicted to the relationship, to the chaos, the man and I was going through my own withdrawal symptoms.

As much as I accept his non-recovery, the fact that he is still drinking, I have to factor in that in spite of all of it, I still love him and miss him. My mind goes back and forth like a pendulum about it. I just could not put my finger on what was going on with me and it was at an Al-Anon meeting a couple of weeks ago where the topic was "Grief" - talk about a timely topic and timely that I return after missing a couple of weeks.

It all came out at that meeting and I think I put my finger on why I was feeling the way I was - I was grieving over the loss of the relationship, the what if, the what could have been's and after stuffing it down for so long, it all came out in a rush. It was like I as at my first meeting all over again where I just could not stop crying. That really helped me and was a small step in the process. At least I could understand what I was going through and begin to deal with it.

While I am somewhat better, some days are definitely better than others. Things still trigger me and it was hearing the words of a dear friend who lost her husband a year ago (non-alcohol related) who told be that some days, getting up by herself triggers her - she lost her husband (non-alcoholic) last year and the pain is still there in her eyes. She and I have become fast friends-we are in school together, we laugh, we cry, both of trying to heal from our respective pain.

I know these feelings, this funky mood will pass. Guess I just wanted a quick fix and what I ended up was finding that I had feelings and emotions buried under all of the othe rstuff.....

Hugs coming your way, TuffGirl......
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:49 PM
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You've been on "high alert" so to speak for quite awhile. Moving out, moving into your own home, detatching, all of it has kept you busy and moving forward out of necessity. Things are calming down and your brain quite literally has said, "I'm pooped, Tuffgirl. I need a rest. I can't do any more right now."

It's normal. Don't analyze it, it's part of the process of healing and recovering. You'll "un-numb" very shortly and start moving forward again. Right now, you just need this empty space to truly get your bearings and to prepare for the next good thing you're going to do for your life.
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Old 05-28-2011, 07:51 AM
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I've been struggling to figure out an appropriate way to suggest it may be something far simpler without getting in trouble on the board. I have not found that way.

Think? What's missing right now that a normal, healthy woman/human needs once in awhile? Something that releases endorphines? Is it exercise? Yes and...

Hmmmm.

Cyranoak
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:02 AM
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EXACTLY!

lol... one of my first purchases, in fact. So there.

- Sylvie
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