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Enabler no more...........

Old 05-10-2011, 08:27 AM
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Unhappy Enabler no more...........

What do you do when you've been an enabler for over a year...Then your recent dry drunk boyfriend decides he hates you, no longer wants to be with you, and doesn't love you? He was an alcoholic before he met me, but I didn't know to what extent, until it was too late. I fell for him, and the life we made together when he wasn't at his low point.

Now instead of feeling stronger, knowing that I can live a healthy, productive life without fear of his moods wings, temper, abusive behavior, and inability to keep a job; I feel sadness and loneliness.
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:28 AM
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Grieve, heal, and move on. Make the most of your lifespan, and fill it with people who aren't dysfunctional and who can value you and treat you as you deserve.

:ghug3

P.S., Educate yourself on codependency. It will change your perspective on your signature quote.
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Old 05-10-2011, 09:01 AM
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“If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that”.
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Hmmmm....not that I have anything against Goethe, but this is sort of the definition of the codependent mindset, don't you think? Not accepting people as they are and allowing them to have control over their own lives, but "helping" them become what we think and feel they should be....

We try to control, when in the end, they just resent us for our efforts.

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. Just know that in time, it will pass. Perhaps think about what drew you to this person in the first place.....some need to be needed, perhaps?

Hugs, HG
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Old 05-10-2011, 10:22 AM
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I agree with Catlover: You educate yourself on what living with an alcoholic has done to you, and you start rebuilding your life with your new insights -- which will lead you to choosing people who provide you with more stability and less drama.
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:07 AM
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hmmmm have been searching for good info for enablers. I am the only NON enabler in my daughter's life and even with her grandparents finally on board with me they still do not "get" their enabling. After a long time of going behind my back and my family enabling her she got a second DUI. NOW they see what they did was wrong but today my mom talked to my daughter and told her she too believes my daughter has a drinking problem. Unfortunately Gma had to deliver the message with sympathy...she told me that my daughter says she's scared of me so she won't come and talk to me. (I have been trying to get her to come talk in person so I can suggest treatment but had to tell all the enablers to butt out, let me be the parent and just support me) WOW I was scared of my mom too when I did something I shouldn't...comes with the territory but now Gma sympathizes with that. Gma also does not want me to report her for violations of her probation (which is in my plan to get her into treatment and my daughters PO agrees with me) Gma says don't destroy your relationship with her.

Which leads me to my point and your post. If it takes my daughter hating me to get help then sobeit. If it takes my parents cutting ties with her (and so "destroying the relationship) because she refuses to get help I will be pushing them to do that. SHE is responsible for her actions not us. They think they can help by being sympathetic and sweet to her. Doesn't work. She will hate everyone who attempts to help her (the right way) until she sees that she needs to address her drinking.

Who cares if he hates you? He'll hate the next one who gets sucked in too. You don't have a life and kids invested so you are able to walk away much easier than if you stay until its too late.

You instead should be thankful you are out of that relationship and you have a future great relationship to look forward to. There is some great guy out there waiting for you.
You get to look forward to the future fun of a first date , butterflies and a new love, a healthy love and a lasting healthy relationship with a real man. (It WILL happen as long as you don't repeat your mistake of falling for a drunk) It happened to me....and 14 years later my heart still jumps when he comes thru the door...not because I am scared of him but because we are still madly in love. Corny I know, but true.
Go find the guy you deserve!
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:14 AM
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You are grieving. But it will get better.

Something that helped me was remembering all the good times I have had when I hadn't even known him.
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:15 AM
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Also can I suggest therapy? it is priceless, because without it I would still find toxic people attractive. There are underlying reasons why we do what we do and feel what we feel. Understanding them is a huge step towards peace and joy.
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Old 05-10-2011, 12:37 PM
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Thank you all!! Trying to parent, boy, you are making the right moves. I need to get the local authorities involved on my end. Stay strong!!

His dad is now the enabler. I went to their house last night to ask him to come home with me today for treatment. He grabbed my arm, and said get the %00k out. His dad said why are you still here, and with him, if he is abusive and causes you pain. Leave him alone, you have 15 minutes to leave, he is sick.... Yes, I know...I spent a week in the hospital with him due to pancreatitis, (from his drinking) once in February, and again the end of April. The doctors said his enzymes were off the chart. He has a fatty liver, and coming from a medical background he says everyone does to some extent. His parents are alcoholics too, of beer, not the fifth of vodka he drinks a day. He is now living in an alcoholic environment again. I can't stand it, he will never get help there. He's 36, let him be a man, move out, and grow up!! I only wanted for him to get treatment, antibuse, anything. It's only been 2 weeks since he got out of the hospital and he's fallen back into the thirst for drinking. I wanted to have him committed to rehab against his will for not only endangering himself, and his health, but for me as well. He broke down last Wednesday night after I smelled the liquor on his breath, after he went to get gas and a dvd. I confronted him, and asked if he had gotten to the ABC Store before it closed. He said you can smell it, I said yes. He said then I'm the fool. If you can smell it, that means others can smell it too. I said yes. He gave me the bottle, and I hide it under the kitchen sink amongst the cleaners, and put rags over it. We settled down to watch the dvd. He said he never thought he'd be this way, he never wanted to be this way, that he would take the "drug" (antibuse) to stop drinking. We hugged each other, and I said I know. That we are a team, and that I am here to support him, but he needs to get help. He said he knew, and that's what he wanted. he told me that every time he was in his parents house, and heard their beer can open, it would infuriate him. (before he became drinker) We started watching our movie, and as a artist he set up and began painting. Something he had not done for months. It was amazing. He asked me to stay with him as he painted, and I feel asleep resting against him on the sofa. (he was sitting on the floor) I took several pictures of him that night, painting, and just the feeling that "this is finally it...he is going to get help" "He finally gets how sick he had become".

Thursday, that was a different story. He was in a foul mood when I came home for lunch. Then he said he wanted to be alone, took his sneakers, and left. I said no, you need support. I knew where he was going, and followed him as he pulled into the local ABC Store. He got out, went in, got his bottle, and as I stood there asking him not to buy it, the cashier took his money. We walked to the grocery store next door, where I got a few items, he went into the bathroom with his bottle to have his shot....Once in his car, I asked him to give me the bottle, he refused and tried to push me out of his car. We proceeded down the street, with him yelling at me, as I still kept asking for the bottle of vodka. Finally I video'd him saying the bottle was better than me, and better than his parents. Then he said wait til we get back to the apartment, I'm going to pulverize you....I said no, you're going to quit drinking. That he needs help. We got back, he didn't touch me. He said there, then passed me the bottle, and asked if I wanted to go hike or take the dogs to the river. We ended up taking the dogs to the local dog park, where they could swim, and interact. He was still pissy, but calm. I hide the bottle in my car.
Friday morning, I head out for work. He is up, as he normally can not sleep. I tell him bye, he tells me **** off. I come home for lunch, he has written on our erase board that he has gone to the college to re-enroll for rad school. I put a smiling face under it. About two hours later, I get a call for a job for him. He doesn't answer the phone, and I'm not doing much at work, so I drive the 10 minutes to get him to call this person who is only going to be there another hour. He still wasn't there, but a new message was posted, "going to job hunt". This time, I check the vodka bottle under the sink. He has drank it, and replaced it with water... I leave the bottle on the sink counter. I come home, he's now there. He says hi, I said did you call the person about the job, he said no. I smelled the alcohol already. He didn't have any money, so where did he drink this time is my question to myself. How do you look for work smelling of alcohol, I ask myself. I get pissed of course, and said no, you didn't call because the caller ID doesn't reflect you taking the time to call the job back, because the alcohol came first. He throws the food he is eating at me, and tells me he is done with me, has been for a while, doesn't love me, and wants to only get rid of me. He then grabs his backpack and walks out the door. Saturday doesn't get any better, as he caters for a vineyard....Sunday doesn't get any better either.

What happened to the Wednesday night man? The man I feel in love with?? The compassionate, loving, passionate, understanding man, that I used to know???

How do you let go, knowing he is still in there.....Somewhere......

He and his dad are coming back to our apartment tomorrow so that he can pack up his stuff to move back to their house, two hours away....He doesn't care about me, or our two dogs. One of which, a puppy, we just got in March.
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:12 PM
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Thank you, Anvilhead. Yes, it's true. But why Wednesday, why was he calm then. Why then Thursday was he back to being mean. I have to confess, it has a lot to do with the alcohol. He could have been just a mean on Wednesday night. I was in the same temperament....
Tough love....I have been told this by my closest two friends. I need to attend a support group. Keep my mind off of worrying about him. That's what I've grown to do for two years. (worrying about him)

He is not "drinking" as much as he used to, and it kills me that I want to see him get better. But now I may not have that chance. I know he can do it!! He has always needed a nudge. His hatred though, maybe now he is associating me with his drinking. My hope was to be there when he was on the good side. He has soooooo much potential. I wanted to see everything we had built up to, him getting back into school, and becoming a productive human again. He has done it before. Even in med school, he never drank.
I have been thinking of getting into nursing school. He has been nothing but supportive and he totally encourages it. But I tell ya, when he lost his last job, he really feel into a stupor. It's just recently that he has been getting his stuff together to get back into school. uggg, my excuses.....
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Old 05-10-2011, 01:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Autumn9 View Post
How do you let go, knowing he is still in there.....Somewhere......
I hung on to his "potential" for five long, hellish, brutal, and violent years.

I was beaten on a daily basis except when he disappeared on one of his drug runs.

That man is dead now.

I missed contracting HIV from him by two weeks.

By the grace of God, I am here today, clean/sober, and in recovery for codependency.

What's your life worth to you?

Mine is precious.
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Old 05-10-2011, 02:04 PM
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Ah yes, the old "potential" rationalization. I hung on to that one for several years myself. It's easier than admitting I chose to get involved with someone who was throwing his life away and taking me with him.

I must go bump that thread I saw a little while ago.......

L
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Old 05-10-2011, 02:11 PM
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Letting go is certainly hard to do even when it deals with people like your BF.
I guess all I can add is how I do it.
I found that I don't have to let go. I just need to get a better hold on myself. What do I want? How do I want it? I don't always get what I want but at least I'm focusing on myself. I know I'm no God. I know I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.
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Old 05-10-2011, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by freedom1990 View Post
by the grace of god, i am here today, clean/sober, and in recovery for codependency.
and about to graduate college!!!
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Old 05-10-2011, 04:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Autumn9 View Post
What do you do when you've been an enabler for over a year...Then your recent dry drunk boyfriend decides he hates you, no longer wants to be with you, and doesn't love you?
Thank your lucky stars.

Know that he will probably come back to you because he knows that you will enable him. I stayed with my ex for SEVEN YEARS. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You're cheerleading for the wrong team. The best thing you could do for yourself is to start cheering for YOU. If he comes back, and he will, you might want to reconsider before saying yes. Is this really what you want in your life?

I can't tell you how many times I told myself, "He is in there", referring to the man I loved. Sometimes I could see him through the demon that has claimed him, and I didn't want to abandon him, especially when I could see that part of him crying out for help.

The only way you can help him is to let him go and let him hit his bottom. Stop enabling him and start empowering yourself. If he has you there as a crutch, he'll use you in any way he can to keep from facing his addiction.

The first thing I realized when I came here is that I am in recovery, too--from codependency. I focused on him for so long that I forgot about ME. Now I am building a brighter future for myself and focusing on what I want out of life. I hope you can do the same. I'm glad you are here!

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Old 05-10-2011, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Autumn9 View Post
What do you do when you've been an enabler for over a year...Then your recent dry drunk boyfriend decides he hates you, no longer wants to be with you, and doesn't love you? He was an alcoholic before he met me, but I didn't know to what extent, until it was too late. I fell for him, and the life we made together when he wasn't at his low point.

Now instead of feeling stronger, knowing that I can live a healthy, productive life without fear of his moods wings, temper, abusive behavior, and inability to keep a job; I feel sadness and loneliness.
Yes, it was nice, wasn't it? Those beautiful romantic first years.
They changed, didn't they?
But you haven't changed yet.

That's hard, isn't it?
That's why this forum is here.

You feeling sadness and lonliness is natural after the demise of any relationship. It lasts a good while if you love deeply too, but you can have good days by finding the things you cherish in life and going after them--those things you love in life besides him, those things you loved before you knew him.
It's hard to imagine life now without him? Yes, it is at first. That does fade. It is a patience game, time is a key factor.

One more thing that I had to realize--I can't control him. If he wants to change, he will. It is his choice, and if he does it, he will do it when he wants to, not when I whine, threaten, or complain.
It was really tough giving up that imaginary control.

I think the best thing we can do for them is let them go, and let them decide what is important in their life.
As long as we stay in their life, they can have their cake and eat it too, and when nothing changes, nothing changes.
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Old 05-10-2011, 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by eaglette View Post
Thank your lucky stars.
I have to second this. I know its hard, but phew - your descriptions wore me out just reading them. Aren't you tired of the drama this guy brings into your life?
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Old 05-10-2011, 07:31 PM
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It's been said before, but bears repeating: "alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages."

I just got out of a three year long "hostage" situation about a month ago and the peace and serenity, the normalcy in my life is wonderful. I have my up and down days but they're not like the insanity of living with and loving a A.

I too, saw his "potential", saw a kind and caring man underneath the verbally abusive, angry, mean drunk. I kept thinking that my love could bring out his potential, his loving side but that didn't work. Nothing that I did or said worked.

What worked for me was going to Al-Anon, reading "Co-Dependent No More", looking at my role in the drama, changing my attitudes, mt reactions, learning to detach from the drama, setting boundaries with him when it came to drinking and finally accepting the 3 C's:

I didn't cause his drinking,
I can't control his drinking
I can't cure his drinking.

Only they can make the decision to keep on drinking or get sober.
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:20 PM
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Enabler no more... sweet

Welcome to the first glorious day of the rest of your life.
:ghug3

Sometimes when we cannot make the choice for ourselves, life gifts us with a freebie and chooses for us. Kind of reminds me that we are all exactly where we need to be doing exactly what we need to be doing to learn what we need to know.
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:55 PM
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He has finally reared his ugly head, to his own father. I haven't slept this well, well, in years. He hasn't been here since Sunday. I got home today, cleaned, and took care of the dogs. His no gas, no money self is sitting in his old room in his parents house. I say it's about time someone else realizes what a waste.....btw, his mom has called to check on me, HE has NOT! You all are the best! I really needed the stories and support. It's only been a couple of days, so the emotions are still strong. I CAN do it, and I will! I will not be a doormat, punching bag, with low self esteme by anyones hand again. It is my life, and I choose to live for ME.
Question though, why isn't there more financial help for addicts to get the treatment they need?
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Old 05-10-2011, 09:04 PM
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Sleep well tonight, Autumn9. You have your 2 dogs who love you unconditonally, you have the rest f your life to look forward to.

Hugs to you and the pups from me and my pup......
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