barb dwyer

******************** Buffalo}}}}}}}}}}

jump up and HUG you girl!!!!!


I am so happy for you seeing all this! WOWZER!!!

wowzie - wow - wow.

I can tell you something too
having done so similar...

when you get healed up -
it's going to FLOW like a RIVER
and there's going to be nothing you can do about it.

Creativity comin out the ends or yer split ends, hon.

truly.

art and music are side effects
of the immersion into the beauty of living.

when you heal up....
when the sores stop leaking out that energy
(and it IS healing, it IS slowing the 'bleed' every week I can see it)

it's going to be ... BACK.

and it'll be the most natural thing in the world
to just step up and play.

you'll see.

Buffalo66

I like me. I may not like the choices I have made in the past, or certain moments where I have behaved badly or said things I didn't mean or were just mean out of anger. But underneath it all - I like me. I like the woman I am. I thought I would find a man who appreciated a strong, independent woman who he didn't have to "worry" about or "take care of" all the time. I prided myself in thinking this was what my RAH wanted. He said it was. But in the end - I think it made him feel "not needed". But I also think the idea of "needing someone" escapes him anyway - thanks alcoholism - and his perspective of being needed will never match my perspective of needing.


Thanks, Tuffgirl!
See, this is it.
I DID like me.

I liked that I knew the best course of action most of the time. I liked that I had good instincts and trusted myself. I liked that I did not put up with bull from even the biggest male bullies in my life...

And that eroded down to this nub of my former self.

But did it?

Thats a trick of my mind. My unhealed self wants to play that victim, wants to believe that.

I have become a person who had behaved badly to the point where I did not recognize myself, and regretted being mean and harsh, then apologized, and lost ground, all in the name of wanting to like myself, but THROUGH someone elses eyes.

This is soooo much coming from a little child viewpoint. I see that.

Now, I have been doing so much work, detaching, and remaining pretty solid in my truth, but all he has to do is push a few of those little buttons that trigger me into wanting to be accepted more, and I can go from clear and easy to tangled and confused, even needy.

I want to go to a psychic surgeon and have those triggers snipped. Snip the wires. That is the work I think we are doing, if not snipping them, then fully REWIRING them, so the impulse goes to a loving response to MYSELF first, instead of a compulsion to preserve his comfort and control levels.

In terms of him needing to feel needed, I always thought that I was pretty balanced in being a strong person who was not also afraid to be weak, and to want love, and to share in the path of life.

I just picked a doozy of a guy to try that with.

Buffalo66

Thanks, Barb....

I am getting there, by steps.

lillamy

Most definitely. I recognize a lot of what you're talking about, and I do think there are people out there who deliberately seek out strong, independent people and enjoy breaking us. Literally. But that is neither here nor there -- the important part is getting away from it.

And I don't know how anyone else does that. For me, it was when my counselor told me that "not only do you have a right, you have an obligation to save yourself and your children" that the last door slammed shut. Just a couple of weeks ago. It's like it was that one piece of hte puzzle that I was missing to make it all come together.

(((hugs)))

sandrawg

Sounds to me like you are hitting your bottom and making some deep, important realizations...

How did you end up like this? Easy. Like many of us, at some point, you gave up your power. You gave up your life to basically live in spiritual bondage to a disease. And not just your AH's disease, but whatever controlling abusive narcissism the "leader" of your group exhibits.

You're on the right path, IMO, tho, asking yourself, why? Why did you let all this happen? Why did you give up your power?

Are you in al-anon now?

sandrawg

I went through a painful, horrible 3 years from 2003-2006, where I had a terrible anxiety disorder that led to many problems with psych drugs. Upshot: I landed in the hospital with a rare drug reaction, and my exh divorced me a month after I was released.

Because of all of that, I was very weak when I got into a rebound relationship with a RA 6 months after my divorce. He was verbally abusive, and a total narcissist. Some of the things he did and said...from the perspective of a lot of distance, I just wonder what I was thinking, staying in that rel'ship a year.

My exabf knew about this relationship-I thought maybe it would lead him to treat me better. Instead, I think he knew that deep inside I am a strong, independent person, so he knew I'd make a good enabler. He was an alcoholic and did drugs, and had anger management issues long before he met me. HE was looking for someone who could put up with his drunken temper tantrums where he'd break things, and he sniffed me out pretty quickly.

This is why it is so important to go to al-anon, work the steps, and work on our own spiritual and emotional health, so that we can give off the impression that yes, we are strong and independent, but NO we are not going to be anyone's enabler anymore. We're not going to let ourselves get walked on or abused. We're not going to sacrifice OUR lives and health and financial stability, to fuel anyone else's disease.

Thumper

I'm not trying to nit pick you personally because my post is really about me, not you at all.

This sentence just jumped off the page at me because for a long time I felt like because I 'could' put up with it, I was a strong person. Stronger then some. That was really a trick of my own mind, to justify/deny reality/not take responsibility or something. I have made myself switch that could for would.

Could put up with it, to me, gave me some kind of bonus for being there. That was such a wrong way for me to think for personal reasons. (I'm trying not to imply the word choice has similar connotations for you because I don't think that.) I got no bonuses, medals, extra kudo's, or anything positive at all because I could put up with it. I was playing a martyr. I *would* put up with it. Why?! That gave me something different to think about. That placed responsibility for my life on me. It was a very important switch for me.

Babyblue

I read your whole story.. twice And what I got out of reading it is this common theme which is, often as women we attach our identity to someone or something else (our peers, spouses, job, etc). So those things really start to have power over us. Doesn't matter if we are strong, smart, creative, we allow the perspectives of others to validate us and what we do in life.

Those things start to have greater influence (including the AH). Then cause us to question why we do what wo do, or why we put up with the toxic people in our lives. (Seems to be some pretty toxic dynamics going on in the people you've surrounded yourself for quite a while). Add on husbands drinking and that is a lot of stress. It is no wonder you are questioning what happened to the strong person you know you are.

So the first step maybe should be to really embrace who YOU are, and all your skills and abilities irrespective of the other influences in your life. Glad you are in therapy because so what if they think you are a bitch if you know you are capable and talented. That shouldn't matter.

I'm rambling but I didn't see a person who embraced her own talents but someone who saw them through the lense of others . First step, love yourself. Believe you have capabilities with or without the others in your life. Sounds like you do, and then some! We women do this quite a bit by the way, we seek our identity through or kids, families, spouses but lose ourselves in the process. Add on an alcoholic spouse and that disease will eat away at what rememnants of our identity we have.

wanttobehealthy

Buffalo-
First and foremost it's amazing you have a friend who sees things so clearly and knows you so well and loves you so much-- what a blessing huh?

Second, thank you SO much for sharing your story

Third, I don't want to hijack your post in any way so I will simply say that I could relate, eeriely well to much of what you wrote-- particularly the stuff about changing yourself and essentially letting yourself be overrun by unhealthy people and situations in order to avoid being seen as earlier, toxic people in your life had told you you were. Starting with my mother, then my sister and then as like you in groups that meant a great deal to me, I was told I was something other than what I was and eventually grew to believe it despite having far more people tell me otherwise... I wanted so badly to avoid being seen as all the terrible things that my mother in particularly told me I was (and then my AH picked up where she left off) that I stopped being me.

I'm eager to find me again and am looking at my recent job loss as an opportunity to stop and figure out who I am, what I want and to find my passions again. I used to have a lot of them and they've gotten lost along the way as I've tried to mold myself into who I thought I should be for my AH to love me. Sick with a capital S.

Your post made me think soooo much and it was and is amazing-- thank you for all you shared and you certainly are realizing a lot and have so many amazing gifts that I can't wait to see what you decide to do and where you go from here!

dancingnow

Oh boy do I see my story in these posts and that helps me some because my story isn't over and I am giving my story over to my HP power now and leaving the past behind me.

Just to relate to many of you, yeah I was once a confident, self-assured woman and girl even and yeah a lot of folks can't deal with that, including my own mom and my sister.

And in the field I started out in being 1 of only of a few women in college and then on the job, well that did a number on me, good and bad and may be partly how I ended up with my AH - who was "different" toward me. Yeah, he saw me coming.

I am rambling here but just wanted to send some hugs to everyone, you all deserve them. Take some breaths, breath in/breath out and give your thoughts a break because good things are around the corner.

passionfruit

Step 1 accomplished: realization

Step 2 ?

I personally read and learn from other peoples experiences. I believe that you relaying your personal experience on someone elses thread is part of the give and take of the site.

If you withhold, we might miss some learned thing because you are not likely to start another thread simply to relay those specific experiences unless that particular subject has created a great sense of urgency in you to relay those particular experiences/ feelings.

Tuffgirl

I've been following this thread and have stumbled onto the realization that I put myself in these situations - why?

I've been thinking a lot the last few days about why I am attracted to and attract people who have no boundaries and who are not strong people. They are energy vampires - people who struggle making basic decisions and seem to float through life. They rarely set goals nor achieve what they do set. And the very qualities in me that these people are attracted to become qualities they resent over time. They resent my confidence. That I can go shopping by myself and pick my own jeans without having to ask someone for reassurance that those said jeans do not make my butt look big. That I can solve problems, set goals, and tackle my fears. That I have a sense of self confidence.

B66 - you describe a woman who has self confidence. And like me, have found yourself in a situation where someone is trying to take that away from you - you don't have to, ya know.

I am reminded of an old favorite quote from Eleanor Roosevelt:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

I don't know why I ignored who I am proud to be at my age and allowed my RAH so much power to define me with his messed up truth, but that ended in January.

And now I work on why the hell I allowed that to happen in the first place.

TakingCharge999

I have not read through all the thread, but I realized I got some "relationships" that oppress me...... one with the most recent ex who keeps calling and calling and calling... and another one with someone super codependent that I met last Xmas and he fell in love with me without knowing me (SOUNDS FAMILIAR!) and now I can't even "like" something in Facebook because he is right there sending me messages and DEMANDING to know why I dared to login and don't contact him and tell him all about my life.

So I was writing that above and EX called and I ignored him. And I blocked that Facebook friend.

Now I realize how I tend to attract supercodependent people and how UNHEALTHY that behavior is..... gladly I took steps for my peace today.... sheesh.

Will need to come back to read all the thread..thanks for letting me share...

TakingCharge999

You are describing my mom.

On to this day when she is 60 she is still asking me for help to get an apartment. As if she couldn't call the real estate office herself.

And many other things she could do herself... but why do them if others can keep solving her life?

Very very sad and frustrating, this codependency...

sandrawg

Since I started the program, I find myself saying "no" a lot more.

I am a model. I have people always asking me, how do I get into modeling, can you send me links to all the websites you're on, can you set me up on Model Mayhem, etc etc. I used to say yes and go overboard with information. Not anymore. Now I take the attitude that, these people can find out all that stuff themselves. My time is too valuable to give out free advice to people who are perfectly capable of doing all the same research I did.

I have 1 friend in particular who just takes takes takes and never gives. I have sent work to her-referred her to photographers-she hasn't done the same for me. When I talk about a particular resource, she always wants me to send her a list of all my marketing efforts.

I think, doing something for someone who can do it themselves, can even operate on a minor level like that, and I have to watch out for it. If I were to spend all my time helping others get into modeling, I'd have no time for shoots and I'd probably not be able to pay my bills anymore.

So I am mindful of that now.

I'm contrasting that to, today, I am going to my friend's house to help her pack up the belongings of her roommate who passed away and give them to goodwill. In this case, I'm simply doing what a friend should do and providing support and assistance during a difficult time.

2 totally different things, in my book. One involves parasitic people who want to exploit me (albeit on a minor level), the other is a friend in need of help during a difficult time.