I went through a painful, horrible 3 years from 2003-2006, where I had a terrible anxiety disorder that led to many problems with psych drugs. Upshot: I landed in the hospital with a rare drug reaction, and my exh divorced me a month after I was released.
Because of all of that, I was very weak when I got into a rebound relationship with a RA 6 months after my divorce. He was verbally abusive, and a total narcissist. Some of the things he did and said...from the perspective of a lot of distance, I just wonder what I was thinking, staying in that rel'ship a year.
My exabf knew about this relationship-I thought maybe it would lead him to treat me better. Instead, I think he knew that deep inside I am a strong, independent person, so he knew I'd make a good enabler. He was an alcoholic and did drugs, and had anger management issues long before he met me. HE was looking for someone who could put up with his drunken temper tantrums where he'd break things, and he sniffed me out pretty quickly.
This is why it is so important to go to al-anon, work the steps, and work on our own spiritual and emotional health, so that we can give off the impression that yes, we are strong and independent, but NO we are not going to be anyone's enabler anymore. We're not going to let ourselves get walked on or abused. We're not going to sacrifice OUR lives and health and financial stability, to fuel anyone else's disease.
Originally Posted by
Buffalo66 
I like me. I may not like the choices I have made in the past, or certain moments where I have behaved badly or said things I didn't mean or were just mean out of anger. But underneath it all - I like me. I like the woman I am. I thought I would find a man who appreciated a strong, independent woman who he didn't have to "worry" about or "take care of" all the time. I prided myself in thinking this was what my RAH wanted. He said it was. But in the end - I think it made him feel "not needed". But I also think the idea of "needing someone" escapes him anyway - thanks alcoholism - and his perspective of being needed will never match my perspective of needing.
Thanks, Tuffgirl!
See, this is it.
I DID like me.
I liked that I knew the best course of action most of the time. I liked that I had good instincts and trusted myself. I liked that I did not put up with bull from even the biggest male bullies in my life...
And that eroded down to this nub of my former self.
But did it?
Thats a trick of my mind. My unhealed self wants to play that victim, wants to believe that.
I have become a person who had behaved badly to the point where I did not recognize myself, and regretted being mean and harsh, then apologized, and lost ground, all in the name of wanting to like myself, but THROUGH someone elses eyes.
This is soooo much coming from a little child viewpoint. I see that.
Now, I have been doing so much work, detaching, and remaining pretty solid in my truth, but all he has to do is push a few of those little buttons that trigger me into wanting to be accepted more, and I can go from clear and easy to tangled and confused, even needy.
I want to go to a psychic surgeon and have those triggers snipped. Snip the wires. That is the work I think we are doing, if not snipping them, then fully REWIRING them, so the impulse goes to a loving response to MYSELF first, instead of a compulsion to preserve his comfort and control levels.
In terms of him needing to feel needed, I always thought that I was pretty balanced in being a strong person who was not also afraid to be weak, and to want love, and to share in the path of life.
I just picked a doozy of a guy to try that with.