Sounds to me like you are hitting your bottom and making some deep, important realizations...
How did you end up like this? Easy. Like many of us, at some point, you gave up your power. You gave up your life to basically live in spiritual bondage to a disease. And not just your AH's disease, but whatever controlling abusive narcissism the "leader" of your group exhibits.
You're on the right path, IMO, tho, asking yourself, why? Why did you let all this happen? Why did you give up your power?
Are you in al-anon now?
Originally Posted by
Buffalo66 
WTF?
How did I become this shell of a person afraid to live a full life, stricken with an anxiety that does not even belong to me?
There is so much I should be doing.
I have been limited contact again for over a week, since he freaked about the job I went for.
I know this is a bad situation, so...you know. I have a son with him, and I am afraid of him. NOt in the way that I think he will come attack me, but I am definitely having avoidant behavior around just living my life the way I would if there was not this oppressive force hoovering up my joy, my trust of the flow of life, my excitement and thrill at taking chances, at living FULLY.
I just needed to write out my realizations around it.
My friend validated me so deeply, and she reminded me that I have been allowing men to keep me down for a long time. And she reminded me that I never was that selfish b*tch they painted me to be, but that they were/are firghtened little men.
I need to make a big change.
How are you being oppressed by the controlling addict in your life?