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Steps In Toliet Today

Old 02-19-2011, 01:11 PM
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Unhappy Steps In Toliet Today

As some of you know, my RAH has been home for a couple of weeks from 30 day rehab. It's been a ride from hell, to put it bluntly. I stayed with him, thinking rehab would be the magic pill. I stayed with him thinking we could work it out and MAYBE I could be the good supportive wife in time.

Well 2 weeks later, I realize that babysitting is not for me. We own a business together, so its hard not to watch how & when he goes to work.
I guess he wants me to tell him when to shower, when to buy food, when to pay bills, what to eat, what to wear, when to get a hair cut, what is wrong & right with other people, when to go to work, how many hours he is suppose to work, when to clean the house or garage.....
((( I CANT DO IT ANYMORE )))) I have done it for 15 years...

I have not had a normal nights sleep since November. The police know
me by my first name. My friends & family are even tired of watching me go down the toliet physically & emotionally.

He didnt come home last night, as I stayed up all night worried he was gonna come home mean & intoxicated. Had clothes & purse packed & ready to go...
He walks in the house this morning "GOOD MORNING"....like nothing happen.
Said he went to a friends house for the night because I told him I needed away from him. So he figured one night was all I needed. Never called to tell me he was coming home, so of course I call the cops, to have them watch me at the house so Im safe.

But DAMN...RAH thinks Im crazy...He has been sober for 30 somedays now..Why do you worry about me drinking??? ..his thoughts....

Well, my steps all went down the toliet.. I screamed yelled, cried at him. Told him I have to leave or he needs to leave. This is killing me.
He crys to me that he is working on getting better, and he is working on it.
Please Be patient with me, he says. Im trying....


As he is standing in the kitchen, He ask me to hug him and look him in the eyes and tell him I dont love him and that it is over. I told him...I love the man I married, not who you are today. You need to get better for yourself, not me. I think he went to rehab to save the marriage, not save himself, that is why he resents me and is not getting the grip of the damage he has done to me and the family. He drops his head, rubs his eyes and says he cant talk about it no more. He will talk to me tomorrow. He left & checked into a motel for the night....

Here I sit bawling my head off. Thinking what kind of person am I to kick a sick person in the head....How can I be so un-compassionate..

Then on the other hand....Im tired, disgusted, sad, frustrated, mad, sick, no respect and very overwhelmed.

Once again, its all on my shoulders.....

Financially in trouble and he can sleep till 10am and maybe work 2 hours a day. But Im suppose to be patient with him. I have covered all of the bills for 2 years...IM TIRED!!!!

How many times can I say Im Tired...just as much as he says he is sorry??

Some call it patience and some call it alcoholic sponge brain...Not sure what to think and not even sure what the hell to think today,,,,,except Im Tired
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:27 PM
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I wish I knew something to say, but I seem to be at the same stage in this madness myself, minus the "recovery" part.
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Old 02-19-2011, 02:58 PM
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I can feel the 'sick and tired' oozing from your post.

I don't have any answers.. but one question.. which it sounds like you need to ask yourself. What do you need to do to feel balanced, calm and sane? Whatever it is.. that is probably your answer.

Tx
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
((( I CANT DO IT ANYMORE)))

My guess is you have reached your breaking point. Thank goodness is all I can say. Now go run with it. Do what you need to do to take care of YOU.

Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Never called to tell me he was coming home, so of course I call the cops, to have them watch me at the house so Im safe.
He is manipulating you to convince you that you are crazy........

Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
But DAMN...RAH thinks Im crazy.
Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
..Well, my steps all went down the toliet.. I screamed yelled, cried at him. Told him I have to leave or he needs to leave. This is killing me.

Go! Go! Go! Even if it is just for a short while...destress, clear your head, but Go!


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Old 02-19-2011, 03:28 PM
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"tired of it all." I hear you. sometimes it takes actual physical distance to get the clarity you seek. (((hugs)))
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:34 PM
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they lie, they cheat. They do what ever they want. That's what they do.

Mine brags about how "good" she's doing. Then a receipt for more wine falls out of her pocket while she's changing. From 3 days ago. Again.

I know she is doing the best she can. But is it good enough?

Does 30 days of being sober erase all he's put you through?

I suggest giving yourself a little breathing room is in order. See how you feel in a couple of weeks of not dealing with him at all. That should tell you plenty.

Best regards,

ZRX
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Old 02-19-2011, 03:58 PM
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The beauty of the steps and program is that it's right where you left it..ready for you again in 5 min or tomorrow or next week...
That I'm Tired to me means its time to surrender...
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:22 PM
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He just called me and told me that his friends (from rehab) told him I wasnt no good for him. I was "BAD" for his recovery...My attitude sucked, I have not forgiven him for the past and I was not good support for him..

And until I could let go of the past & forgive him,,,He needs to stay away from me.

I asked him what is his definition of support? He wants me to have a good attitude, let go of the past, not talk about the past, praise him for trying and quit beating him up (mentally) over what he is not doing....

He said he knows that I will probably never be able to do that, it must run in my family.
He should have listened to his friends....and hung up on me...

2 Weeks home from rehab and Im suppose to be supportive, after losing my kids & family & myself.......

Am I the pig here?? Be honest...
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:41 PM
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quack, quack, quack.

this is common. We are supposed to act like nothing happened because THEY have said it is all ok now. But what about all the years they didn't listen to us? Conveniently forgotten, right?

have you thought about letting him go? This is most likely just false bravado. His friends, who are also recovering alcoholics and have a deluded reality of the world around them, know better than you? Right.

And if it's not false bravado, you can't make anyone love you.

In any marriage at any time, one of the partners can just decide to move on.

Let him quack. Take two aspirin. And post back in a couple days. I bet you feel better.
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:42 PM
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((((BobbyJ)))) I'm sorry you are so upset and angry. You have every right to your feelings. You are not a pig....

I do have a question for you, though. Will there ever be anything that he could do that would be enough for you? Is there anything he could do that would make things right with you?

The reason I ask is because in some way, he has a point. You need to be completely honest with yourself and with him. If you are never, ever going to forgive him no matter what he does for however long, if all you are going to do is constantly take his inventory, then it is not good for you or for him.

I really hope that you can find some peace and joy and the face-to-face support that might bring you some relief.

Hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:43 PM
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Ahh, yes, he's quacking. Mine wants me to be "supportive" of him. I asked him supportive of what? Your ability to spend 95% of your paycheck before you receive it? To pay the bills only when he deems it necessary, etc. Like you, I'm done being his doormat.
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Old 02-19-2011, 05:54 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
I asked him what is his definition of support? He wants me to have a good attitude, let go of the past, not talk about the past, praise him for trying and quit beating him up (mentally) over what he is not doing....

He said he knows that I will probably never be able to do that, it must run in my family.
He should have listened to his friends....and hung up on me...
When I hit my breaking point, I saw the psychologist at my work, who said I should tell XABF (before he was "X") that I was cutting all contact with him unless he saw the same company psychologist and followed through on the recommendations. The psychologist them told me his recommendation would be inpatient therapy for alcohol abuse, because it was clear to him (first from seeing XABF months prior, and now with hearing my side of the story) that he had an alcohol problem.
When I passed on the message, XABF told me he had seen the psychologist, who said "If she won't support you, then just forget about her, she's not good enough for you."

Your story sounds eerily familiar to mine in that regard, and I know mine was a confirmed lie.

Take what you like, and leave the rest.
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Old 02-19-2011, 06:06 PM
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XABF told me he had seen the psychologist, who said "If she won't support you, then just forget about her, she's not good enough for you."

okay, this is some good quackery here. he tells you what the psychologist said and it is ludicrous. "she's not good enough for you."?
good googly moogly!

thank goodness i didnt talk much when i was drinking, i am sure i would have made up some whoppers too.

i am gobsmacked!

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Old 02-19-2011, 07:00 PM
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Mine is 4 months out, 5 months sober.
He is sober( ithink) but not in active recovery.
He takes more teenage liberties everyday.
I basically bad mouthed him out the door last night.

Listen, he doesn't come home? Doesn't call to let you know about this really nice thing he is doing for YOU, giving you space?

I call BS.
I think he may have been drinking.
Maybe not, but either way, that is not normal or respectful behavior.
It's downright weird.

Have u considered asking him to move out until he gets himself in order, has these everyday things, tasks, etc under his own belt?

All I can say is I wish I had done that. Mine did not have to earn anything back in terms of trust, respect, etc, because I opened my arms and my home back up to him.
And guess what?
He is an ungrateful little jerk, doing the minimum and now he is gone crying that I made things too hard.
You do what you think is right for you.
I know that I am tired of bring angry.
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Old 02-19-2011, 07:45 PM
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He has called me again since my last post a few hours ago.

He tells me, that I am the devil in womans clothing, just like his friends from rehab told him.

NOW GET THIS ONE!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is willing to pay 10 grand for ME to go to rehab...Im not even a drinker!!!!!!! (Maybe I should be))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

He thinks the rehab will teach me alot of good behaviors and good tools for my life!!!

I told him NO more phone calls tonight. Enjoy your hotel room....

WHAT THE HELL AM I MISSING WITH THIS Recovering A?????
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Old 02-19-2011, 08:35 PM
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Originally Posted by keepinon View Post
The beauty of the steps and program is that it's right where you left it..ready for you again in 5 min or tomorrow or next week...
That I'm Tired to me means its time to surrender...
Ahhh - surrender. I seem to be doing that everyday. Now I am getting up and just surrendering first thing...kind of like a blanket coverage for the rest of the day. "Good morning...I surrender"

And each day gets a little better...funny how that works!
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Old 02-19-2011, 08:38 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
He has called me again since my last post a few hours ago.

He tells me, that I am the devil in womans clothing, just like his friends from rehab told him.

NOW GET THIS ONE!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is willing to pay 10 grand for ME to go to rehab...Im not even a drinker!!!!!!! (Maybe I should be))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

He thinks the rehab will teach me alot of good behaviors and good tools for my life!!!

I told him NO more phone calls tonight. Enjoy your hotel room....

WHAT THE HELL AM I MISSING WITH THIS Recovering A?????
BobbyJ,

Quack.

But...10,000 would buy a nice car. Just sayin'...

He's a quacker. Don't talk to him for a while. Enjoy your night off! Breathe, relax, turn OFF the phone, watch a stupid TV show.
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Old 02-20-2011, 12:41 AM
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Hi Bobby--Your post reminds me so much of my AH (now living in FL w/ his parents after I threw him out finally). He claims to be sober 4 months, going to AA meetings twice a day --but no job of course.

Anyway, when I talk to him on the phone, he wants to know how I am "going to change my behavior, and that as soon as I do that, then everything is going to be fine." Also says the same exact things, about me having a bad attitude, I won't forgive him and I always will be His victim in my eyes, I won't change, "stop beating me up/insulting me!"
I wonder if that is just standard lingo at AA Meetings? He won't live with me until I change my behavior. That's when I said, "I never asked you to live with me in the first place, so why are you even mentioning that?" He says he doesn't have to wait for me to ask him to live with me--he can just say that if he wants to! (huh?)

It's craziness. I just hang up on him. You cannot reason with an insane person! I thought they were supposed to be busy making amends, asking for forgiveness etc.. Not my AH. He sounds EXACTLY like your AH.

I would be concerned that he is drinking again though, only because he is doing the disappearing act. My AH wanted to come up and see the babies for a few days around Xmas but didn't because he couldn't stay in a motel room without drinking, and he was about two months sober at that point. In my experience, whenever my AH didn't come home at night, it was because he was holed up somewhere drinking.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. It sounds like we are in the exact same place. Good Luck and stay strong!

Hailee
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Old 02-20-2011, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
He tells me, that I am the devil in womans clothing
I have heard this one, too, way too many times to count.

Usually when he was at his drunkest, and I wasn't laying myself on the railroad tracks so he could run over me again.

I will say that I wouldn't call him "recovering," even if he really isn't drinking.



You're not crazy.
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Old 02-20-2011, 06:43 AM
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I had to get to a point (and it was hard going) where words from a person I had always loved and respected couldn't penetrate the barrier I put around myself. It felt so foreign to completely discount him, but I had to struggle really hard to just decide that I wouldn't listen anymore.

Then the abusiveness stopped and the mindgames stopped. When I wouldn't play anymore. It was sad and disappointing, but for the sake of my sanity, I could no longer engage with him - drunk or sober.
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