As some of you know, my RAH has been home for a couple of weeks from 30 day rehab. It's been a ride from hell, to put it bluntly. I stayed with him, thinking rehab would be the magic pill. I stayed with him thinking we could work it out and MAYBE I could be the good supportive wife in time.
Well 2 weeks later, I realize that babysitting is not for me. We own a business together, so its hard not to watch how & when he goes to work.
I guess he wants me to tell him when to shower, when to buy food, when to pay bills, what to eat, what to wear, when to get a hair cut, what is wrong & right with other people, when to go to work, how many hours he is suppose to work, when to clean the house or garage.....
((( I CANT DO IT ANYMORE )))) I have done it for 15 years...
I have not had a normal nights sleep since November. The police know
me by my first name. My friends & family are even tired of watching me go down the toliet physically & emotionally.
He didnt come home last night, as I stayed up all night worried he was gonna come home mean & intoxicated. Had clothes & purse packed & ready to go...
He walks in the house this morning "GOOD MORNING"....like nothing happen.
Said he went to a friends house for the night because I told him I needed away from him. So he figured one night was all I needed. Never called to tell me he was coming home, so of course I call the cops, to have them watch me at the house so Im safe.
But DAMN...RAH thinks Im crazy...He has been sober for 30 somedays now..Why do you worry about me drinking??? ..his thoughts....
Well, my steps all went down the toliet.. I screamed yelled, cried at him. Told him I have to leave or he needs to leave. This is killing me.
He crys to me that he is working on getting better, and he is working on it.
Please Be patient with me, he says. Im trying....
As he is standing in the kitchen, He ask me to hug him and look him in the eyes and tell him I dont love him and that it is over. I told him...I love the man I married, not who you are today. You need to get better for yourself, not me. I think he went to rehab to save the marriage, not save himself, that is why he resents me and is not getting the grip of the damage he has done to me and the family. He drops his head, rubs his eyes and says he cant talk about it no more. He will talk to me tomorrow. He left & checked into a motel for the night....
Here I sit bawling my head off. Thinking what kind of person am I to kick a sick person in the head....How can I be so un-compassionate..
Then on the other hand....Im tired, disgusted, sad, frustrated, mad, sick, no respect and very overwhelmed.
Once again, its all on my shoulders.....
Financially in trouble and he can sleep till 10am and maybe work 2 hours a day. But Im suppose to be patient with him. I have covered all of the bills for 2 years...IM TIRED!!!!
How many times can I say Im Tired...just as much as he says he is sorry??
Some call it patience and some call it alcoholic sponge brain...Not sure what to think and not even sure what the hell to think today,,,,,except Im Tired