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Old 02-20-2011, 07:52 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Is it just me or does it seem that whether they are active or in recovery, it seems to be more of the same BS, just in a different form?

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Old 02-20-2011, 08:08 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Winner.
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:20 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Telling you to go to rehab is a big fat Quack.
He is dry drunk or drinking, IMO
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:06 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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THirty days ... does not make years and years of crap ...

"the past"

it makes it ... last month.

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Old 02-20-2011, 10:30 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Yuck. That guy is toxic. Crazy-making. Look at what living with him is doing to you:
Well, my steps all went down the toliet.. I screamed yelled, cried ... This is killing me...Here I sit bawling my head off...Im tired, disgusted, sad, frustrated, mad, sick, no respect and very overwhelmed...its all on my shoulders.....Financially in trouble ...I have covered all of the bills for 2 years...IM TIRED!!!!
BobbyJ, this is no way to live your life.

How many times can I say Im Tired...just as much as he says he is sorry??
To infinity, that's how many times. This merry-go-round is going to KEEP going around and around and around until you have the courage to STEP OFF.

Some call it patience and some call it alcoholic sponge brain...Not sure what to think and not even sure what the hell to think today
Work on Detachment. Are you going to AlAnon? Get the focus off of him and onto learning how to Detach.

(((hugs))) How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
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Old 02-20-2011, 06:48 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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^^^1st, I agree this man is toxic...but he is only been sober for 30 days...it takes about 18 solid months of soberity for anything to CLICK....

look out for number one YOU please look for a good al anon group that you feel comfortable in...and go and keep going...and going....its so good to be healthy again...do you think he can stay away for awhile? and let him work on his recovery while you work on yours? this seems only fair....

love we where all very sick with the alcoholic...all of us...that is why al anon is so good for us....first step is the best Step 1: we are powerless over alcohol that our life has become unmanagable.. Yep that sums it up over on my end...how about yours?
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Old 02-20-2011, 07:20 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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BobbyJ -

What worked best for me:
Surrender: Step 1.
Detach: A must.

I'm in the middle of a divorce and still have to live with him - 11 days sober which included a 5 day acute detox and a 48 hr treatment denial/trip. LOTS of quacking.

I'm a grateful member of Alanon - they taught me life saving skills in a nick of time. Detachment was huge. He can quack.quack.quack and I can smile and walk away - knowing that what ever truthful, clever or smart-ass comment I said - would make no difference. Once I surrendered to alcoholism - I stopped trying to control it - manage it and repair it.

We too had a shared business in his high-drinking days (18 months ago) we are now concluding our bankrupcty. Alcholism does not mix with anything: marriage, business, friendships or family ... all are eventually destroyed.

He's deflecting and trying to justify - walk away from the conversation. IF you get verbally taken down like I did - you will leave. He reminds me I don't tell everyone the whole story - so now I do. I make more people laugh when I tell them he's leaving me cause he didn't get enough sex! :rotfxko

I'm learning how to live for me - try it ... minute by minute ... you will soon understand what you want.

Take care of yourself FIRST!
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:30 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Gosh, Thanks everyone!! I have been on the road today, trying to get my weekend shopping, oil changed. Thru out the day, its been phone calls & texts from him..

I was walking thru the grocery store crying....Maybe I am nuts, like he says...

From one phone call to another, he's done with me, im a very mean person, im a cold
hearted bitch, im not good for him, hes moving back east, i need to go see a counselor,
i need to go to rehab, he is better than me and he is not gonna let me take him down anymore, he wants to go to the lawyer with me, he is tired of my crap, he is trying and i give him no support thru his recovery...QUACK QUACK...

Kind of screws with a girls head, ya know......

2 Weeks home from recovery rehab and Im suppose to act like Mrs Cleaver??

Did any of you welcome them home from rehab with open arms & act like the world
was a bed of roses & forgive all of the past actions & hurt???

Or I am the only one here, who should be in a white jacket???

(My next alanon meeting is tuesday night...cant wait)

What is the part of, I hurt you, and they try their hardest to pay you back or hurt you worse? He said his behavior is from his childhood from having older brothers that were mean to him growing up...Is this anger mangement or just a screw up brain...

Surrender, Detach and purchase a mosquito net...LOL
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:44 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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BoobyJ -

I would suggest no contact for awhile. I don't like to give direction but all this quacking-sh*t just inflames an already ugly situation.

I'm going to try some of my own advice - trickier since we are under the same roof ... but he just told me he deserves better ... wow.

We need to remember to detach. I'm past detaching with love.

Don't answer his calls or texts. If there is an emergency - establish a person for him to call that will then call you. Don't stoop to his level of badgering and arguing.

This weeks goal: No chaos, detach and find some serenity. We deserve it
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:06 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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What a peach to sit there with his new "sobriety" buddies and make pronouncements on your world!

Detach, detach, detach......

Also, answers like "Why thank you for sharing."
and "Oh, I see"
or perhaps "Hmmm....well I'm sorry you see it that way"

followed by leaving the room....!

Actually works pretty well!

So have you thought about what do you want for your life, Bobby?

Hugs, HG
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Old 02-21-2011, 03:56 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Did any of you welcome them home from rehab with open arms & act like the world
was a bed of roses & forgive all of the past actions & hurt???
I used his time in rehab to get away from him, because I was learning new things about myself, and him, and our relationship, and to be honest in a lot of ways he was worse in rehab then he was drinking - at least drinking he'd pass out at some point, and then I could do what I wanted to do for me.


You're not crazy!


Also, I like hydrogirl's conversation suggestions!
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Old 02-21-2011, 07:01 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I would run as fast as i could from that....why would you put up with that? Its not all about him now, this is about your quality of life. As you said, this is killing you, Be kind to yourself & do the right thing for you! By the sounds of it God knows you deserve it. he is manipulating everything....you do not have to put up with that

PHP Code:
THirty days ... does not make years and years of crap ...

"the past"

it makes it ... last month
.....right on the nose with that one Barb, couldnt have put it better myself!
Stay strong & remember, you can change this...you deserve better.
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Old 02-21-2011, 11:13 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Holy heck. I could have written that post myself. Seriously...even down to the 2 hours a day of work, you covering all the bills...even the 2 year time frame.

Like so many others before me have said, you have to decide when YOU are done. Because as long as you are doing all the things you are doing as listed above, he will NEVER be done with you (unless, of course, he finds someone else who is willing to do all the stuff you are doing PLUS will "understand and appreciate him")

He may or may not be using at this point but one thing is for sure...he is NOT sober (and why is it that "recovering" A's think that two weeks of not using makes up for YEARS of destructive behavior?) and it doesn't sound like he'll be there any time soon.

When you are ready to move on, you'll know.
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Old 02-21-2011, 12:18 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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No reason to self-sabotage on that 10k unless you are wealthy and can afford to snub it.
Take the check and put the money someplace safe.
No matter what the future holds, 10k can make it a little better.

I would kindly tell him that showing up for work and working at least a 6 hour day each day, if not 8 hours, (you can work up to that should he manage 6 successfully) would be a good way to show his intentions to be a sober-thinking person, not just a non-drinking person.

Chin up! You're stronger than you'll ever know.
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Old 02-21-2011, 12:24 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Stick to the facts of what you know – try to take emotions out of it as best you can.

Fact #1…You thought rehab would be a magic pill so you stayed with him thinking you could work it out.

Fact#2…He is still sick, just because he has obtained from consuming alcohol for 6 weeks doesn’t mean he is healthy. His brain is still saturated from the alcohol.

Fact#3…He is listening to other sick people who are his equals right now. He’s not reached beyond them for help.

Fact#4…He’s blaming and playing spine Dr by telling you that you need rehab. It deflects away from him and his issues.

Fact#5…When you need/want time to yourself like shopping and running errands – turn off your phone, you deserve that time for you.

As long as you know the truth, you know what you know and stick to the facts then his spew won’t affect you as much.

Maybe yes his to death without admitting to any of his quakery, tell him you need time to yourself away from him to think about all these things he is saying, kind of put it back on him and in his court. Then the next step would be that your therapist told you that you need to have no contact with him for a while! Tell him your al-anon people friends recommends distance…………..alot of distance right now.

Not to play games here but more of owning up to things the things he’s said and the things you need for you right now.

By the way, how did you feel during those 30 days without him?
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Old 02-21-2011, 12:31 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Go No Contact. He is manipulating you. Mine also called me the devil and told me that I was the one who needed to change.........change what? Everyone has issues, but I am pretty sure the only change that he needed from me came from my purse. He knows the end is near and will say ANYTHING to make you change your mind. Don't do it! RUN! He needs 6 months minimum, in my opinion, to warrant another go at things. And maybe not even then. Mine never made it 6 weeks, let alone 6 months. When he is at it, delete the texts. Don't answer the phone. Do you have kids together?
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Old 02-22-2011, 07:58 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Stick to the facts of what you know – try to take emotions out of it as best you can.

Fact #1…You thought rehab would be a magic pill so you stayed with him thinking you could work it out.

Fact#2…He is still sick, just because he has obtained from consuming alcohol for 6 weeks doesn’t mean he is healthy. His brain is still saturated from the alcohol.

Fact#3…He is listening to other sick people who are his equals right now. He’s not reached beyond them for help.

Fact#4…He’s blaming and playing spine Dr by telling you that you need rehab. It deflects away from him and his issues.

Fact#5…When you need/want time to yourself like shopping and running errands – turn off your phone, you deserve that time for you.

As long as you know the truth, you know what you know and stick to the facts then his spew won’t affect you as much.

Maybe yes his to death without admitting to any of his quakery, tell him you need time to yourself away from him to think about all these things he is saying, kind of put it back on him and in his court. Then the next step would be that your therapist told you that you need to have no contact with him for a while! Tell him your al-anon people friends recommends distance…………..alot of distance right now.

Not to play games here but more of owning up to things the things he’s said and the things you need for you right now.

By the way, how did you feel during those 30 days without him?
Well..The weekend is over and I wanted to update all you. This story has the biggest twist in it, you will be surprised...

The quoted information above was written perfectly...(THANK YOU)
and Yes I believed rehab was the magic pill. He thought it would be and so did I....Damn New Comers, what was I thinking?? lol

He came home yesterday and the smell of booze was awful. He told me he was packing up and moving away from me "I" was bad news. From a very heated discussion, we finally were exhausted and SURRENDERED...All feelings came out in a nice manner. Lots of tears were shed on both sides.
"I" got to release alot on anger. (Thank Goodness)

#1 - What I have learned in my terms: Surrender, doesnt mean accepting nor does it mean laying down like a shag carpet, it doesnt mean following or playing their games. It means, letting go and accepting that their mind games, hurtful words & childish behaviors, their ability to maintain jobs and act like a normal adult...is beyond their mental compacity!!

It also means, you might as well talk to your dog. Once I come to terms with that I surrended, all of my feelings and realized...Im okay. The words that came to me this weekend was: Quit trying to tell the mentally challenged person, what I need or want, it is time I start telling myself what I want or need.

He did get a uhaul and loaded some of his stuff. Transferred money into my check book to pay bills. He got a good paying job and is moving almost 2000 miles from me. We both agreed...WE BOTH NEED TO HEAL!!!
In time, married or not...We both still want to be best friends...(More Tears)

This morning, I kissed him Good Bye & told him I was happy for his decision.

Now I have peace and time for my healing. It is the first night in months, that I dont have to have the cops phone numbers on quick redial and chairs under the doors..

So no meetings for me tonight, Im going to bed for a PEACEFUL NIGHTS SLEEP!!!

This week (Not just a day..IM CLAIMING one solid WEEK))) is for me (BECAUSE IM A PIG & I DESERVE IT) lol

Thanks to all of you for your support!
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Old 02-22-2011, 08:34 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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oh, bobby, i was reading and wanted to find you and hug you and squeeze some love and sense into your beautiful self. when i read your last post, i felt so happy for you.

i could tell a thousand miles away that he was not sober. i generally don't say things like that, but "recovering" people don't stay out all night and twist it around to try and make it look like they did something nice, good, sane, or thoughtful. it's ludicrous.

SO GLAD you are getting some peace. now, please, don't answer the phone if he calls or texts you! better yet, block him!

:ghug3
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Old 02-22-2011, 09:48 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Coffee Drinker..I would like to say, Thank You!!!

I told him I could NOT be the supportive wife, who made sure he ate, showered, worked, followed his steps and clapped every time he went to a meeting.

I have become a bird without wings and without legs (HE ATE THEM OFF)
...All I had left was my deadly beek that pecked him if he came near me.
This bird could no longer support him, I am too tired and have nothing left.

He has left now and its time for me heal....

But now that he is not here to attack me, I can support his decision
on moving & healing himself. I can do that with love & compassion, for me!!
I guess you would say, its part of my healing also. I guess you can call me a
great supporter, just a bad bad babysitter...lol

I was up front and honest with him...There are no guranatees to this marriage lasting, only a guranatee that I will support him for making correct decisions for himself.

One of my #1 boundaries: Actions before any Words!!!!!
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