Midwestman

Having been involved in a marriage with an alcoholic for over 20 years I have come to the conclusion that I have become a verbal abuser. It didn't start out that way. In the beggining things were normal and we were like any other newly married couple. As time went on and my AW drinking became more of an issue with me I started getting angrier about the crazy drama and isolation. We would have huge fights over the years about drinking and the behaviors associated with it. The arguements became abusive on my part when years ago out of uncontrolled anger I started to call her a drunk and lots of other derogatory comments. She fought back with her own anger but she could never match my verbal assaults. My abusive comments were extremely hurtful especially to a woman and I feel terrible about this. Im sure I caused my wife as much damage as the alcohol did. We find ourselves on the verge of divorce now even though we both still love each other. I still try to defend myself at times when I tell her how staying out all night and all the strange behaviors caused my anger and verbal abuse but in reality I realize there was no justification for it. I dont fault myself for being angry and hating the disease but I wish I had directed it in a more appropriate way. I may have made things worse. Now I am full of guilt because not only has alcoholism done its damage to a good woman but I realize I also heavily contributed. Alcohol has done its damage to me too. I wish I could go back and change my behavior but its too late for that. The damage is done.

pixilation

Yes, I'll admit that I've called him a dirty drunk, called him disgusting, and other damaging things. It's hard to control my mouth, but I have been actively trying. I'm not proud of it at all, I do it as a form of protecting myself from his jabs at me. To be fair, he does usually start the verbal assaults, generally when he's been drinking but other times he can be stone cold sober.

coffeedrinker

But this is what making ammends is all about.

You have awareness, the crucial first step.

Do you do al-anon, midwestman?

HeyImme

Also guilty of this.

FindingPeace1

Here's the amazing thing - it takes a lot of GUTS to admit that yuck. A ton. I respect you oodles for it.
And, as coffeedrinker said, you have the chance to come clean - even if you are divorcing - and sit down and say, "I KNOW I was wrong and I'm sorry" and that is priceless.
Thanks for being so real with us.
Hugs,
peace

Midwestman

I have been to al-anon in the past...it's been awhile though and I need to get back..when I posted earlier I had just had a conversation with my aw in which she admitted to her problem (a real first) and was showing me a vulnerable side seldom seen. She explained how much my verbal jabs made her want to drink even more. I agreed with her. I'm sure I didn't help things. In retrospect I realized that her alcoholism had a way of making me lose control of myself. I became an angry verbal abusive spouse who was starting to not like the person I had become. Alcoholism had changed me. I'm starting to see that my aw has a terrible disease that is slowly taking away her life and happiness and me calling her a drunk and such was surely affecting her self esteem. I only made things worse. I made a promise to myself that I will deal with her on a more adult level. Detach without anger.

Belier

Hi I agree with findingpeace, saying sorry for what you said I think will be important. I drank and my ex admitted at times said it was fun to push my buttons. The funny thing was he did not work for 10 years let me support the house all the bills got spending money from me, I lost my self esteem drank more and he then would get abusive verbally (terrible things said) that still shake me if i think of them. I know from the other side if he was to say sorry for a lot of what he said it would mean a lot to me and I could let some of those hurtful things he said go. Not sure if my reply means anything but I felt compelled to write. No matter if it is too late to save your marriage saying sorry for what you felt you did will matter.

passionfruit

Good job waking up and stepping out of your box. Very difficult thing to do. Put a mirror in your box and seeing yourself. Even harder admitting it outloud to the world.

Kudos.......


Alanon is a wonderful asset.

Midwestman

I understand what your saying. It means a lot. Tks