LexieCat

So, if we are the "experts" why are YOU telling US what we should do?

And why does anything WE say fall on deaf ears?

Man, I appreciate your dropping in for comic relief, but I hope when you've had your fun you don't stick around to hand out advice.

LexieCat

And, incidentally, how is having "brothers, mother, whoever" bail someone out any different? It's OK to drain THEIR resources? It's OK for THEM to make sure he doesn't experience the consequences of his actions?

I'm tellin' ya--please, PLEASE find a different profession.

tjp613

Please let us know when you figure out exactly how to make that happen.

duqld1717

I think you should email this guy the link to this thread and let him read what you are writing about him!!! I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate you blogging about him when you haven't even been on a date yet and barely know him....I'm sure he would be more freaked out by you and all the things you are saying about him right off the bat. Probably more freaked out than you are about his potential drinking problem!

tjp613

Oh, Moderator Gods....PLEASE don't lock this thread! It's the most fun I've had all month.

dogluvah

Lexie, I've already started handing out advice on here. You guys are cracking me up though. I know I may seem controlling, but I'm really not.

For the last ime, I am taking in what you guys are saying, that is why I have decided to approach my interest in this guy cautiously.

In regards to your first sentence above, you can't have it both ways.

By virtue of your own stories, about your battles with the alcoholics in your own lives, most of you agree that the drinking HAS to stop. Period. Then, some of you go on to tell me I'm trying to control the situation when I talk of taking action whether that be by interventions or leaving. And no, you can't force the alcoholic to stop drinking, he has to make that decision on his own-at the same time, he may get sick of being fed by a tube in the hospital and put in a straight jacket after you've organized that intervention.

So, which is it guys? Either the drinking has to stop or it doesn't. Period. You can't have it both ways.

Too many family and friends of alcoholics play the victim and enable. If I had to choose from a healthy man and a drunk, of course I'm going to choose healthy. Which is why I'm gonna check this guy out on a couple dates. If thiings progress to the point that we decide to get married and he then becomes a drunk, well, he'd better make some changes fast or get used to the gutter, because that is where I'm leaving him when he falls.

dogluvah

Lexie...stay with me please...The thought process behind the above is that most other people beside the significant other will not continually bail someone out to their own detriment-even if they are family members. Eventually they will get tired of him, not put up with it, and the well, so to speak, will run dry. Then he's out of options. It's the gutter or getting sober.

wicked

then this:

So, dogluvah, you are an indecent woman because you put up with your brother's smoking and knew the eventual effects of smoking? Lung cancer and death being a couple? Interesting. Or, does this only apply for men who are in the running for your "'love".


No one here is asking to have it both ways. Everyone here I think has said in one way or another:

It must be his choice, not yours!

LexieCat

Sorry, much as I'd like to "stay with you," I am running out the door to spend the afternoon/evening at dinner and a Broadway show. No alcohol or alcoholics (except my sober g/f from AA) involved.

I'll catch up later.

dogluvah

Oh, C'mon! How am I stalking him?? Define stalking HeyImme as it exists in the dictionary, than tell me how I'm stalking...

I don't do stalking. I don't have any reason to.

Bolina

I think, perhaps, you are misunderstanding what constitutes a boundary (among quite a few other things).

A rule is "You will not drink".

A boundary is "I will not live with an active alcoholic. If you continue to drink I will X" X being a consequence such as leaving or possibly an intervention. Nowhere in that is there any attack on the agency of a grown adult to make their own choices, however healthy or unhealthy they may be.

It's a bit painful for me to see my pre-recovery arrogant self in these posts. I don't think I ever went so far as to pre-screen my ex for alcoholism (or any other ism) just so that I might draw up a plan to save him from himself, though. That came later....

You do realise that a) what he is doing is legal and b) you can't save your loved ones by saving this man.

Do you have therapy and supervision as part of your course?

dogluvah

No, I didn't. My parents didn't allow them to smoke in our house. I was the baby of the family by about 12-15 years. When I realized they had a smoking addiction, they were out of the house and living with their own families (wife and kids). My mother smoked at one point, but stopped. When she did, she went outside. My father never smoked. [/QUOTE]

I used to have a refrigerator magnet on my refrigerator a couple years back. It read: "If you smoke in my house, you'd better be on fire". It still stands...

wicked

Maybe he could cut down to a couple of drinks a night, but even as a person who does not bet, I am betting that eventually things will take a turn for the worse like your brothers.

If you go on a couple of dates be honest please.

"I had two brothers die of lung cancer, I will not watch another person die from a preventable disease. I cannot date someone who smokes."

"My mother and two brothers suffered from alcoholism, I cannot and will not live with alcoholism in my life. I cannot date someone who drinks."

I am surprised with your level of education and the particular field you are in at your lack of insight about your addiction to chaos and the unending need to control it.

Beth

Tuffgirl

Is it just me, or does anyone else read this thread and find it eerily familiar to past conversations with their alcoholic spouses? Maybe its me, I recognize I am touchy but it seems like we're all defending something the original poster simply doesn't want to hear, but instead of dropping the original question, the poster continues to argue and defend while the rest of us argue and defend. My goodness - welcome to my marriage with my RAH.

dogluvah - please go date your guy. Give it a chance. Feed your curiosity. This forum will be here for you if ever you need it. But you will not change anyone here's perspective on their reality, any more than they have been able to change yours.

HeyImme

Perhaps you'd be best served by delving into that on your own. No one has a reason to stalk someone else, but it doesn't by necessity follow that stalking doesn't happen. While this is much fun and all, I think I'll move on to people who have real issues in relationships that actually exist.

Ann

I am temporarily closing this thread. We have had complaints and now need to review 6 pages of posting.

Please, welcome a newcomer, support an oldtimer and be patient until we finish here.

Thank you for understanding.

Ann
SR Moderator