HeyImme

My husband drinks 12 - 18 beers a night, and if you met him after his 18th, you probably wouldn't realize he'd had even one...he's just slightly more talkative. I guess I'm wondering why you would even consider going out with someone whose friends already told you they think he's an alcoholic? Hoping they're wrong doesn't make it so. Remember, you're here for a reason. It's not like we started this conversation. You cannot be that hard up for a man.

Tuffgirl

Well, there isn't much more I can say that hasn't already been said other than adding my name to the pot of people who did not heed the red flags - even when they were hitting me square in the face. He was amazing the first year we dated (because it wasn't real)...we had so much in common it was like a mirror of myself (because it was)...what is happening with this guy? He must be stressed (no he's an alcoholic). I must be really annoying (no, he just needs me to be so he can drink). Maybe he's having seasonal affective disorder or some sort of mild bipolar issues (no, he's just a mean drunk with a big ego). What happened to that guy I dated? Oh yeah, that wasn't real.

What happened to me? Oh yeah - I got involved with an alcoholic.

Be very careful and believe nothing until the actions back it up in a consistent manner. And then still have some doubt.

Learn2Live

It would probably be helpful for you to read a book on Alcoholism. And given that you are an adult child of an alcoholic, I'm willing to bet you'd benefit from AlAnon.

I truly believe that specific types of people come into our lives so that we can learn the next thing we need to learn in order to continue to grow. The fact that your mother and brothers are alcoholics speaks volumes to me. There is a reason you are attracted to and interested in this guy.

"The search is what any man would undertake if he were not sunk into the everydayness of his own life. To become aware of the search is to be onto something. Not to be onto something is to be in despair." Walker Percy

tjp613

Run. Run like the wind.

dogluvah

Since I had two threads going, the senior moderator Dee closed it on the alcoholism forum, so I'm reposting my last post on the subject here:

Lexi, I don't see how it's so bad expecting someone to change when it's detrimental to their health.

Still, I'm going to be a psychologist and I KNOW in this case you can lead the horse to water, but you can't make him drink (no pun intended ) He will change when he sees he must change. But there is nothing wrong with wanting and demanding someone to change if you have a stake in it. Nicole Kidman's husband Keith Urban is an alcoholic and she organized an intervention and insisted he change. He did.

Still, I see comments on here that state, "you can't drink anymore", so he "can't drink anymore". That is if he does have a problem. And even if it's not one now, as a heavy drinker that is where it's leading. He will end up in the gutter. It that's what he wants fine, if there is no change he won't have me.

No decent woman will put up with his behavior if there is a problem. The women that smoke and are fine with it are wrinkled, coughing, hacking. We all know the eventual effects of smoking if it doesn's stop. And alcoholics falling on the floor. Somehow, I don't think he wants that for himself. Again, if he doesn't, he has to make a change, because he definitely CAN"T smoke around me. Or drink heavily.

If he does want that kind of woman, he can have the wrinkled smoking, drunk. But, I do know that's not what he wants.

lillamy

My intial reaction was to say "Run!" and nothing else.

But you know, I've been there. He goes to church, he has a good job and a nice car, and you know, everyone has some kind of problem, right?

Here's the thing: It is my absolute conviction that gut feelings hit us for a reason. Whether you want to see it as God speaking to you or your body telling you "hey, your brain has picked up a bunch of warning signals here that you refuse to deal with, so we're gonna hit you where it hurts so that we at least know we've done our part in warning you" is up to you.

I think you know the answer to your own question, really. Maybe you came here to hear that "oh no, if he still has a job and a nice home and a car, go for it." I don't think you'll hear that here. My husband had a high-profile job and made big money our entire marriage. Still does. Lived extremely well and people envied me -- he was hot, he was rich, he was successful, he was charming.

Reality, behind that, was that his alcoholism gave two of our kids Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, put me on antidepressants for ten years, and finally ended up threatening our lives. Even today, if I were to tell people who know him professionally, they'd call me a liar.

Surface appearances are nothing. Alcoholics are dangerous, destructive people to live with as long as they are drinking and refuse to deal with their drinking. There's no line between "problem drinker" and "alcoholic" in my mind -- the only difference is that when someone says their spouse/boyfriend/mom is a "problem drinker" I think "they don't want to see reality yet, that's all."

It sounds like this guy has charmed himself a little bit beyond defenses that you originally had up against him. He might be treating you like a princess now. My husband did. Worshipped the ground I walked on. I'm warning you, it won't last. Sorry I can't say anything more upbeat, but it's what I thoroughly believe.

Cyranoak

he is an alcoholic. alcoholism is a progressive disease. it will get worse. if you'd like to pursue a relationship with an alcoholic, then he's your man. if not, not. God keeps sending people to tell you this, yet you continue to ignore them.

i'll admit that I didn't even think your first post was real. i thought it was somebody baiting us here in the forum. i still think in might not be real, but in case you are being serious, then know you are taking the first steps into what will be the worst moments of whatever life God has decided to grant to you.

good luck.

Cyranoak

TakingCharge999

Question: Do all alcoholics end up losing everything?

Active alcoholics (in denial)? Yes.

I am sorry your other thread was closed. Maybe there are new rules...
When I had these same questions I went to live AA meetings to hear their side of things...

I never went to an Alanon meeting but those have helped many around here.

The fact your family has a history with alcoholism speaks tons - would you be open to going to a therapist? many times our unconscious is the one making decisions for us, from what we learned as kids. Well BTW I know psychologists often take therapy themselves, right?

I just went out from a therapy session and it has been the best gift I could ever give myself and also my best investment.

Hope you consider it and also might I say there are many views here, from our own experiences, but you can take what you can and leave the rest. When I arrived I took many posts as personal attacks. They weren't... and I wish I had heard others when I first arrived. But I also thought "he was special and I was special". Hah.

I hope you continue learning, reading, posting... have a good weekend!

lillamy

It's not bad to think it's a good thing for them to change.
It's bad for you if you get involved with him expecting him to change.

dogluvah

If had occured to me from time to time that maybe I should check out AlAnon. I know what they are.

I'm attracted to this guy because at his superbowl party he has gone out of his way to please me. And he has a house, pics on the wall, a life, thriving business and Christian values. I started to become interested before I even knew there was the posibility of a drinking problem.

My father never was an alcoholic. He was about to leave my mother when she became one, though they made it through it. If I get involved with this guy, and he doesn't address his drinking problem immediately, I'M LEAVING HIM. No, he WILL change, or "poof" I go. I'll organize an intervention then "poof" I go.

dogluvah

I'm not ignoring any of you. I'm taking it all in. And why would you think my post wasn't real. Why am I starting to be attacked?

suki44883

I think you've gotten what you came here for. You asked our opinions and we've given them. The rest is up to you.

TakingCharge999

If I get involved with this guy, and he doesn't address his drinking problem immediately, I'M LEAVING HIM.

What about getting involved with guys that are healthier in the first place?

tjp613

I'm sorry, this just sounds nuts to me. You haven't even been on a proper date with him and you're already talking about organizing an intervention?

If he told you you HAD to bleach your hair and lose 60 pounds by summer or else he would *poof* be gone? How would that make you feel?

Either take the man as he is or leave him be.

suki44883

Cyranoak

...but you are being challenged. And, it's uncomfortable and feels like an attack. I'm sorry for that.

But, it is very interesting that you thought I was talking about me. I wasn't referring to you ignoring me, or anybody else on the board. I was referring to the people who are his friends and tell you he's an alcoholic, as well as what you've told us about him which means you know he's an alcoholic, and which is why I thought your post might be trolling.

The people you are ignoring is yourself, his friends, and your friends-- not us.

I truly wish you the best in this decision, but one thing is crystal, crystal clear-- he's an alcoholic. Of that you can be assured.

Cyranoak

dogluvah

Takingcharge, that's what I normally do. I normally date guys who are jocks, into health and that kind of stuff, as I try to lead a healthy lifestyle. But, I also need a Christian.

I did voice those concerns to a mutual friend and like I posted, she said, "nobody's perfect". I always have this what-if mindset. Always had it. So, i don't know, I'm just wondering at this point, not having a first date alone with him yet, how much of a problem is there really. I don't want to pass up a loving guy that could be my soulmate if there are changes he would be willing to make for me, but ultimately they are for his own good.

Still would be interested in knowing why Cyranoak thinks I'm not for real...Am I the only one who has come to this forum hoping that a love interest is not an alcoholic??

dogluvah

Thanks for explaining, Cyranoak. And yes, I need to be challenged because I can be seriously hard-headed.

LexieCat

No, but you're the first one I've ever seen who is mentally organizing an intervention for someone she's never even gone out for coffee with.

I seriously think you might want to pursue a different profession. Most psychologists use interviewing and assesment techniques to diagnose their patients and therapy to treat them. Dating is not an appropriate treatment modality.

Thumper

I was you and I married the man you post about. I think a lot of us here identify with that. It was painful and we want to spare you but of course...it doesn't really work that way.

It isn't really about him. It is about you, and why you would consider this kind of relationship. Have you ever read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I would recommend it. There are lots of stickies at the top of this forum that are good too. My personal experience is that I relate to so much of what you post (how you think and are approaching this issue) and I know that (if it were me) a couple of casual dates is unlikely. There are no casual dates when I'm saving a charming and misunderstood man from himself. I'm hooked. You sound hooked already. Maybe you aren't - I'm clearly projecting. Just showing you the thought process.

I'm sorry you've had so much alcoholism in your life.

The thing is they don't start out like that. My husband didn't drink 18 beers every day when I started dating him, or even when I married him. He simply drank to much. I didn't marry a man that was an unemployed, sick, drunk, tuned out, un-engaged, self-centered, jerk. I married a charming, fun, handsome, man that I connected with - and that drank to much.