Should I run??
 

Hi, everyone. Ok, here's my question/situation: This guy has just started to pursue me from my church singles group, and I know he has liked me for a long time (over a year). Initially I didn't feel he was my type, but I have to admit he's really cute and the way he looks at me, and playfully touches me all the time tells me it could be something really special.

Here's my concern: I think he may be an alcoholic and he smokes (don't know how often yet). He may just be a problem drinker, which is bad too. However, I'm friends with his roommate and his roommate thinks he's an alcoholic. His roommate told me of a time that while drinking he banged on his bedroom door loudly when he had a girl in there and yelled, "I don't want any f****** in my house!"

I just went to a Superbowl party at his house, and he was drinking quite a bit-so was the roommate though. Anyway, while he was pouring me a drink, as the day progressed, he couldn't keep his hand steady and he spilled liquor on the floor and my wrist (only a little though). He didn't look drunk, and he didn't look drunk later that evening when a few of us stayed late to further socialize with him after the game. I did notice-and maybe this is important-after the game was over, he didn't continue to drink. He just had one red bull when some of us stayed a bit longer after the game.

If he is an alcoholic, right now he's functioning and has been for over a year. He has a nice home, a car, and a business that he's taking care of.

Still, I know that if I find out he drinks heavily all the time-he did say he likes to drink after work, but not too much-or smokes regularly, I don't want him. I woud be with him though if he gave up the smoking at some point and became a social drinker only if he currently has a problem. I do know that I hate cigarette smoke and I won't let him smoke around me, or in any car that I travel with him in. Another mutual friend of ours says "nobody's perfect" and I shouldn't discount him just for the smoking. She said if he does have a problem with alcohol she hasn't seen it. But, then why would he spill that drink on my wrist and a little on the floor? But then again, after I myself had a few drinks at a party once, I almost fell on the dance floor several times. And I'm no alcoholic and don't drink often...

Please give me your opinion on if I should date him? We are just starting to like each other. Also, another friend thinks he's an alcoholic as well because that particular friend saw him show up at a superbowl party last year with a red nose...What should I think??

Yes.

Welcome to SR, Dogluvah.
I can't tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do. If I was concerned enough at this point in a relationship to be asking these types of questions, I would end the relationship. I went into my marriage with "concerns", but I was so completely naive to this disease. Being married to an alcoholic has been the most incredibly painful thing. I would NEVER do it again and I would NEVER recommend it to anyone. The "little" issues never get smaller, they only get BIGGER.
I would run for my life.

Hi welcome to SR!

There are other men with nice homes, nice cars, business that do not drink or smoke.

But if you get entangled with this one you might not meet them.

I sense you think he might be "your only option". There are many men out there...

I also notice that he liked you first and its like you are trying to see his qualities... but if he hadn't shown interest, would YOU be pursuing him given all you have seen and heard from different people?


I went out with someone like him, "functioning", I broke up 2 years ago and I am still healing from everything he did. I am going to be honest and tell you what I am thinking:

Run and don't look back.
Mute the movie, see his actions, that is reality.

Sounds like regardless of anyone else's opinion, he has habits you don't care for. There are nice, cute guys out there who don't drink or smoke. Chances are you'd be happier with someone you didn't feel should change, right out of the box.

Hi and welcome! There really is no way for you to tell if he is an alcoholic or not. You don't know him that well yet. But, the only thing I can say from my past experience of being in a relationship with an alcoholic, I didnt like his drinking habits when we first met and I ignored them and I am now in the worst situation of my life. I have emotional scars, trust issues and just plain bad memories/experiences from dating him and being drug through his drinking problems. Scars that will probably take a long time to heal. If you are suspicious now, its your choice whether or not you want to explore that path to find out if he truly is an alcoholic. My personal advice is to RUN-especially since you are having doubts this early on into the relationship. You really have no idea how destructive alcoholics can be towards the people in their lives.

Ultimately it is up to you.. but I would say that if you have concerns large enough to bring you here, then I would consider it very very VERY carefully before embarking on any romantic involvement with him.

Tx

Thanks for the replies everyone. My initial thought was to run but...how often do you meet a guy that treats you like a princess?

That being said, it's ironic, because I'm in graduate school to be a clinical psychologist and I think I may want to deal with additions: alcohol, drugs,eating disorders, smoking, etc.

I also know that President Obama has just stopped smoking, and Michelle Obama married him knowing he was a smoker and never, ever liked it. If she had run because of the smoking, she would never have been first lady or had a family with Obama. He seems like a good father...Also, the speaker of the house has a smoking addiction. I also know a guy who smoked but stopped a year into a new relationship.

The group of us that stayed behind to socialize with him at his house went outside, and everyone lit up a cigarette besides me...One of the girls is a friend and I never knew she smoked. She said she only does it once in awhile and told me "nobody's perfect" when I told her my concerns about this guy smoking.

My point with this is...I don't know...still wondering if I should see how bad his smoking and drinking really is before I run.

FYI: He's 50, never married. I'm 45 and divorced.

Sounds like you want to hang in there, so go ahead. We can only give you our experience with these things. Seems to me though, if several of his friends and his roommate say they think he's an alcoholic, maybe you should believe them. In any case, good luck.

Knowing what I know now, I would RUN!

My ex treated me like a princess at the beginning too. Then he flipped a switch and all that stopped and the drinking went into overdrive. Alcoholics are con-men and con-women. Sorry to say this but it is somewhat of a red flag that he's 50 and has never been married. Wait, and he has roomates at 50 yrs old!!? Bigger red flag. He sounds like a carbon copy of my ex who was definately an alcoholic.

*nods* My ex treated me like a princess at the beginning too.

I'd be wary of thinking anyone is a 'keeper' and a 'good catch' based on how they treat you at the very beginning when they are in wooing mode. Attracting a mate is a little like going for a job interview.. you're on your best behaviour.. it's how they perform a few months down the line is probably a better indicator.

Tx

Run!

Run if he has a roomate at 50 yrs old!!!

Heh, my second husband was 47 when I met him, and the only relationship I ever heard about was one failed engagement. Not only THAT, but I ran across a Big Book in his room the first week I dated him. My first husband was a sober alcoholic, so I knew very well what it meant. I asked, "What's this?" He told me he "once" had a bit of a problem with drinking, but he'd gotten over it.

Boy, was *I* dumb. I met him in a bar, for heaven's sake, and I thought it was terribly romantic when he brought me fruit salad and chardonnay in bed for breakfast.

Can you say, "FLAMING red flags"????

Hi. He doesn't need the roommate and doesn't even want him there. He owns his own home.

The roommate is a mutual friend and needed an emergency room to rent because the roommate that he had is getting married and asked him to move out right away.

Umm, looks to me like you are coming up with reasons to try it with him, so why are you asking us? (Comparing the situation to the Obamas? Really?? LOL.)

Anyway, the consensus here is to run. Remember that we warned 'ya! Best of luck!

This speaks volumes about his maturity. When I read your first post, I thought he was maybe late twenties.
Was he jealous?
Thought it was funny?
controlling?
any of those things, wow, i would run.
But, I am 52 and i have been there too many times.


He could have a very high tolerance. From years of drinking. And if he was drinking a red bull in front of you, i bet there was something hidden nearby somewhere.

I am a recovering alcoholic by the way, so I have some knowledge about the workings of a drunk.

Beth

dogluvah, he ain't no obama. and certainly not presidential material.

:tapping now you tell me lexie!
LOL
yeah, found my second one in a bar. geez, i guess i was drawn to those flaming red flags like a bull.

Beth

Buttercream, I don't mean to offend you in any way, and I hope I haven't.

Yes, I guess I am trying to remain positive until I know if the situation is hopeless for me because I do kind of like him.

I am looking for someone that if he does have a problem would be willing to change it. There are some things that I admire about him, he believes in God and doesn't believe in extra-marital sex.

And for the other poster, I appreciate your advice too, but what is wrong with comparing him to Obama? The President of the United States is just a man like the rest of us. Obama smoked, Michelle didn't like it, married him anyway because she liked him and later on, he quit smoking. I'm sure she didn't let him smoke around her or he kids either. She's a very smart woman and knows it's not healthy, but she didn't leave him either.

But, I do hear all of you and it's scary what you are saying. I just need to know more about where his mind it. If his attitude is, "I like drinking heavily all the time, and I like smoking, and I won't change for you or anybody" welll, there would be skid marks from my car leaving his drive way after that.

When he admitted to drinking after work, and I asked him if it was much, his response to me was, "not that much". This is why I'm trying to give the guy a chance in my mind until I learn more.