Blogs


Notices

Should I run??

Old 02-12-2011, 08:26 AM
  # 101 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
Oh, OK... I get it. What I didn't understand before is that you are such a PRIZE that the mere possibility of a future with you will motivate him to reform his ways and be cured of lifelong addictions....where no other motivation ever existed before!

Got it. I knew there was something I was missing.
tjp613 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
bubblehead (02-12-2011), Stevie1 (02-12-2011), WayTooLong (05-10-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:31 AM
  # 102 (permalink)  
Heathen
 
smacked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Blog Entries: 1
Why on Earth would he want to stop drinking? He clearly drinks and smokes when and if he wants, as he has every right to do.. If he wanted to stop, he'd be in a recovery program. You aren't a recovery program, or a magical catalyst into one.

Completely bizzaro that you'd want to date this guy. I know when I've dated, the point was to check them out, see if they enhanced my life, and consider them a life partner. You haven't been on a date, and already know that there's several things about him that are clearly not going to enhance your life. Seems more like a pet project..poor little potential alcholic, I want to save him.. I can save him, I'll try to, and his pathetic-ness is oh so adorable. Personally I would be completely creeped out if someone checked me out by emailing my roommate questions about intimate details of my life. Course, then I'd boot my roommate for divulging any personal information about me to someone that creepy. Yuck!

Good luck with all that.. we'll be here either way.
smacked is offline  
The Following 14 Users Say Thank You to smacked For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-12-2011), bubblehead (02-12-2011), Charmie (02-12-2011), jackien41 (02-14-2011), MsCooterBrown (02-12-2011), sailorjohn (02-13-2011), seekingcalm (02-12-2011), simplyfab (02-12-2011), StarCat (02-12-2011), Stevie1 (02-12-2011), Summerpeach (02-12-2011), tjp613 (02-12-2011), Tuffgirl (02-12-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:34 AM
  # 103 (permalink)  
Heathen
 
smacked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Blog Entries: 1
And sometimes it takes force, and that may be wrapped up in a hospital in a straight jacket.

smacked is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to smacked For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-12-2011), bubblehead (02-12-2011), Charmie (02-12-2011), LexieCat (02-12-2011), StarCat (02-12-2011), tjp613 (02-12-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:41 AM
  # 104 (permalink)  
Member
 
MsCooterBrown's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Great Outdoors
Posts: 1,992
Blog Entries: 2
I still can't get passed the intervention that is coming up if he doesn't change his ways when you have never gone out with him.

Last week there was some chick on Dr. Phil that took a whole year planning her wedding when she didn't even have a groom. Somehow..THIS reminds me of THAT. It screams desperateness.

Last edited by MsCooterBrown; 02-12-2011 at 08:43 AM. Reason: ..
MsCooterBrown is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MsCooterBrown For This Useful Post:
Charmie (02-12-2011), Stevie1 (02-12-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:43 AM
  # 105 (permalink)  
Member
 
Stevie1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Originally Posted by dogluvah View Post
That is true, but in my next relationship and marriage, I'm looking for peace with a man that treats me like a princess. I'll settle for nothing less.
You are working towards an advanced psych degree and you don't understand that someone who is addicted to nicotine and alcohol will put those substances first, before you, always? And that it's generally not consiered a good idea to become emotionally invested in someone, then foolishly expect them to change?

He might treat you like a "princess" in the courtship phase, that's normal, most people are on their best behaviour in the early stages of a relationship. If he's addicted, that won't last, you will never come first and it will not be a peaceful relationsjhip - especially if you're already planning interventions with someone you haven't even dated yet!

BTW, interventions don't always work. In fact, I'm willing to bet they don't work most of the time. From personal experience. So I wouldn't be counting on that as your ace in the hole.

That you are looking for a husband, want nothing less than devotion, good Christian values and peace...yet you've not only set your sights on someone who is a smoker, a drinker and possibly from an abusive background but has no apparent track record in maintaining a relationship or even a satisfying social network of friends (otherwise he would not "drinking because he is lonely.") Why on earth not look for someone who doesn't need fixing?

He's flirted with you, but it doesn't sound like you know him well at all but are quizzing his room mate about his habits behind his back....I agree with whoever upthread suggested counseling for yourself. This is, frankly, bizarre thinking, in my opinion, as is the fact you are pathalogically blind to a host of red flags and apparently determined to argue with everyone who suggests this may not be a stellar idea.

If I found out that someone I was mildly interested in was talking to people behind my back about my personal habits and planning marriage followed by interventions, rules and ultimatums if I didn't shape up, I'd be considering getting a restraining order out of concern for my personal safety. I'm dead serious.
Stevie1 is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to Stevie1 For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-12-2011), bubblehead (02-12-2011), EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), HeyImme (02-12-2011), hurting12 (02-13-2011), jackien41 (02-14-2011), MsCooterBrown (02-12-2011), seekingcalm (02-12-2011), StarCat (02-12-2011), tallulah (02-12-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:43 AM
  # 106 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Temecula CA
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by yorkiegirl View Post
Thanks for this thread.


You mentioned President Obama. Of course, I don't know the inside story but from the outside they look like they have a healthy partnership (even though probably on some level Mrs. Obama does a little enabling or allowing of the President's compulsions (i. e. cigarettes, power, etc.). She seems to be the one having to make the extra compromise or concessions for the President's ambitions, choices, etc. (I don't see her as weak or co-dependent by any means). I often look at their relationship (the one projected to the public) & think, "Wow! What an ideal relationship!" (Of course, I could be oh so wrong!)

No relationship is perfect. . . .while this may be true, a lot of us here have to be careful
not to use this to justify our very imperfect, unhealthy relationships. Being in a relationship with or knowingly entering a relationship w/ an A and those w/ compulsive
behaviors says & reveals a lot about us.

Good luck, whatever you decide!
Yorkiegirl, I agree that no relationship is ideal.

I'm glad you mentioned the Obama's again. Like I pointed out, take Michelle Obama. Had she declined to get invoved because he smoked, she would have missed out on a very intelligent, worthwhile guy. So, worthwhile that he became President of the United States. Now, of course that would mean nothing if their relationship didn't work and they weren't good for each other. I and the whole world sees the opposite. Of course, we don't really know for sure. But, she says out of her own mouth how much she respects him and how their family/relationship works or both of them.

In my case, I wouldn't even wait as long as Michelle Obama did for someone to defeat the smoking demon. But, like my philosophy has been this whole thread, I believe in giving people a chance until I know the extent of the problem.

Now, if this guy was an alcoholic, it woud be a deal-breaker. The opinion of his roommate is he is not. I will have to see for myself. All I know, is the heavy drinking will stop, or I'm leaving.
dogluvah is offline  
Old 02-12-2011, 08:48 AM
  # 107 (permalink)  
Member
 
Stevie1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Originally Posted by dogluvah View Post

All I know, is the heavy drinking will stop, or I'm leaving.
Leaving? You haven't even dated him yet! This is nuts.
OK, I'm done commenting here.



dogluvah, I wish you the best with however this works out.
Stevie1 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Stevie1 For This Useful Post:
EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), MsCooterBrown (02-12-2011), smacked (02-12-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:50 AM
  # 108 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by dogluvah View Post
But there is nothing wrong with wanting and demanding someone to change if you have a stake in it. Nicole Kidman's husband Keith Urban is an alcoholic and she organized an intervention and insisted he change. He did.

Still, I see comments on here that state, "you can't drink anymore", so he "can't drink anymore". That is if he does have a problem. And even if it's not one now, as a heavy drinker that is where it's leading. He will end up in the gutter. It that's what he wants fine, if there is no change he won't have me.
There are so many things about this thread that annoy me...

1. I have escorted my AH to detox, treatment & jail numerous times. I have "insisted" that he change. He didn't. Because it's not THAT easy! I am (and his children are) definitely worth the effort of changing for, but the reality is that HIS addiction is not about ME.

2. The point that many of us are trying to make here is that if indeed this man is headed for the gutter ~ the more emotionally involved you become, it is NOT easy to step aside and let him land there.

3. I do not have the power to change my AH. I have tried and failed many, many times. The only thing I can do is ACCEPT him as he is and then decide if there is anything I would like to change about myself (or my circumstances).
KerBearz is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to KerBearz For This Useful Post:
wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:51 AM
  # 109 (permalink)  
Member
 
tjp613's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Blog Entries: 16
Originally Posted by Stevie1 View Post
If I found out that someone I was mildly interested in was talking to people behind my back about my personal habits and planning marriage followed by interventions, rules and ultimatums if I didn't shape up, I'd be considering getting a restraining order out of concern for my personal safety. I'm dead serious.
Gawd, this is sooooooo true!!

Sorry, Dog... really.
tjp613 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to tjp613 For This Useful Post:
wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:52 AM
  # 110 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 74
I really need to quit reading this thread, but I am laughing my *** off, and I do dearly love to laugh. Once again, IF this is actually a real situation we are discussing here, there is no way in hell this guy is going to ask you out...you are stalking him!
HeyImme is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to HeyImme For This Useful Post:
bubblehead (02-12-2011), Charmie (02-12-2011), EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:55 AM
  # 111 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ya know what JUST occurred to me?

Here we all are, trying to "save" someone who is planning to "save" someone she hasn't even gone out with! OMG, is that surreal or WHAT?

Maybe we need a "Hypothetical Recovery Forum"--for everyone who needs that "just in case" help.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 13 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-12-2011), Charmie (02-12-2011), ItsmeAlice (02-12-2011), jackien41 (02-14-2011), johnnymau (02-12-2011), seekingcalm (02-12-2011), simplyfab (02-12-2011), StarCat (02-12-2011), Thumper (02-12-2011), tjp613 (02-12-2011), Tuffgirl (02-12-2011), WayTooLong (05-10-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 08:56 AM
  # 112 (permalink)  
Member
 
catlovermi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Ya know what JUST occurred to me?

Here we all are, trying to "save" someone who is planning to "save" someone she hasn't even gone out with! OMG, is that surreal or WHAT?

Maybe we need a "Hypothetical Recovery Forum"--for everyone who needs that "just in case" help.
Yeah, totally. Not a small amount of irony, there. Very triggering thread.

What's even more ironic is the likelihood that in the future the poster will be here, trying to save (her former self). The iterations just keep reverberating.

CLMI
catlovermi is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to catlovermi For This Useful Post:
wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 09:07 AM
  # 113 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Temecula CA
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by Stevie1 View Post
You are working towards an advanced psych degree and you don't understand that someone who is addicted to nicotine and alcohol will put those substances first, before you, always? And that it's generally not consiered a good idea to become emotionally invested in someone, then foolishly expect them to change?
Stevie, yes, I'm well aware of that. Which is why I said, if there is an addiction, there would have to be change.

He might treat you like a "princess" in the courtship phase, that's normal, most people are on their best behaviour in the early stages of a relationship. If he's addicted, that won't last, you will never come first and it will not be a peaceful relationsjhip - especially if you're already planning interventions with someone you haven't even dated yet!
You're right in that it would only be a peaceful relationship with me, if there is recovery for the addiction-if one exists.

BTW, interventions don't always work. In fact, I'm willing to bet they don't work most of the time. From personal experience. So I wouldn't be counting on that as your ace in the hole.
It doesn't matter what works. If he is an alcoholic, he would have to agree to treatment, or I'm leaving.

That you are looking for a husband, want nothing less than devotion, good Christian values and peace...yet you've not only set your sights on someone who is a smoker, a drinker and possibly from an abusive background but has no apparent track record in maintaining a relationship or even a satisfying social network of friends (otherwise he would not "drinking because he is lonely.") Why on earth not look for someone who doesn't need fixing?
You got me on that one. This really is the question. Without delving deeper, I would say in the back of my mind is the reality that he could be my soulmate. Again, look at the Obamas. She didn't like his smoking, he eventually quit. And while he WAS still smoking, I would bet you dollars to donuts that he wasn't allowed to do it in the house and around their kids. Michelle Obama is not stupid. The rest is history. Had she not gave him a chance and weighed the pros and cons of what she was dealing with and flat out said, "He smoked, next!", she wouldn't be married to the President of the United States, and a GOOD-LOOKING man at that-but that's by the by.

Michelle Obama's situation is not unique, so let's not focus on how unique their situation is. I know many, many people who kick the habit and it doesn't take them years to do. If I like a guy and it does take him years, I'm leaving. At that point, he can pull out the nicotine patches, the gum, the doctor prescriptions or whatever works and get busy to kick the habit. His incentive? Me.

He's flirted with you, but it doesn't sound like you know him well at all but are quizzing his room mate about his habits behind his back....I agree with whoever upthread suggested counseling for yourself. This is, frankly, bizarre thinking, in my opinion, as is the fact you are pathalogically blind to a host of red flags and apparently determined to argue with everyone who suggests this may not be a stellar idea.
I will say most of the women I know, Christian and non-Christian have no problem asking mutual friends and even ex-girlfriends about the prospects of a love interest. There are even several relationship books that encourage this. I'm serious. I see nothing wrong with it. My well-being is number one and you better believe I'm going to find out the dirt on someone-and the good-if I'm thinking about dating him.


If I found out that someone I was mildly interested in was talking to people behind my back about my personal habits and planning marriage followed by interventions, rules and ultimatums if I didn't shape up, I'd be considering getting a restraining order out of concern for my personal safety. I'm dead serious.
I'm not planning marriage to anyone I have not dated and been in a serious relationship with. Where did you get that from? LOL. About talking behind his back, see the above. LOTS of women do it and are even encouraged by relationship experts.

Please don't think I'm not appreciative of the opinions and am not listening, I am. Stevie, I do need to call you out on a contradiction in your posts and I'm sure you'll clear it up. You posted earlier on my thread that we don't know yet if he is an alcoholic and you would advise me to go on a couple of dates with the guy to see what I would actually be dealing with. Why the change?...

Unless his roommate -who has lived with this guy for the better part of a year and observed his habits-is lying in his assessment of the situation, he doesn't seem to be an alcoholic, just someone who would do well to cut down on his drinking. If he's drinking too much because of depression, well that's understandable. In that case, he needs to get professional consultation. And no, I'm not going to discount someone because he has depression as I suffer from that myself.
dogluvah is offline  
Old 02-12-2011, 09:17 AM
  # 114 (permalink)  
Member
 
Stevie1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Originally Posted by dogluvah View Post
Stevie, I do need to call you out on a contradiction in your posts and I'm sure you'll clear it up. You posted earlier on my thread that we don't know yet if he is an alcoholic and you would advise me to go on a couple of dates with the guy to see what I would actually be dealing with. Why the change?...

.
OK, I'll de-lurk since you asked me a direct question.

My suggestion to go out on a few dates was based only on your initial post here. You came across as mildly odd, but since you had some questions about the guy, I figured going on a few casual dates would be a way for you to get a better "feel" for him, since that's what dating is for.

This afternoon, after reading all your other posts, I've gone from considering you "mildly odd" to "unbalanced." I think you need help...I don't think this guy needs help. And, I don't think people who are unbalanced and not in a good place in their lives ought to be considering emotional entanglements. This is not meant as an insult - I'm currently (in my opinion and in early sobriety) "unbalanced" and will not date until I feel more centered.

Hence the change.
Stevie1 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Stevie1 For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-12-2011), simplyfab (02-12-2011), smacked (02-12-2011), Summerpeach (02-12-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 09:18 AM
  # 115 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Temecula CA
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by KerBearz View Post
There are so many things about this thread that annoy me...

1. I have escorted my AH to detox, treatment & jail numerous times. I have "insisted" that he change. He didn't. Because it's not THAT easy! I am (and his children are) definitely worth the effort of changing for, but the reality is that HIS addiction is not about ME.
Hi, kerBearz, thanks for the reply. May I ask you why you escorted him to jail. I don't think you should have. Bailed him out? Yes, that is your duty as his wife, but he can go to jail on his own and suffer the consequence of the DUI on his record. Doesn't the courts even force rehab now for DUI's?

2. The point that many of us are trying to make here is that if indeed this man is headed for the gutter ~ the more emotionally involved you become, it is NOT easy to step aside and let him land there.
I know this, which is why I am proceeding cautiously until I know the extent of the problem.

3. I do not have the power to change my AH. I have tried and failed many, many times. The only thing I can do is ACCEPT him as he is and then decide if there is anything I would like to change about myself (or my circumstances).
Do NOT accept the alcoholic. If his drinking is destructive to your family, he has to be made to understand that he can't EVER drink.

If you do accept him as he is, you have just become the victim and enabler.
dogluvah is offline  
Old 02-12-2011, 09:24 AM
  # 116 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by dogluvah View Post
Bailed him out? Yes, that is your duty as his wife
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (02-12-2011), bubblehead (02-12-2011), buttercream (02-12-2011), ItsmeAlice (02-12-2011), jackien41 (02-14-2011), seekingcalm (02-12-2011), smacked (02-12-2011), StarCat (02-12-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 09:29 AM
  # 117 (permalink)  
Member
 
buttercream's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 71
This is more entertaining than tv! ()Where is that smilie with the popcorn?

The Obama references are cracking me up. Obama was not a 50 year old man when Michelle met him!!

And weren't Nicole and Keith married when she staged an intervention. BIG difference.

Okay, carry on....
buttercream is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to buttercream For This Useful Post:
bubblehead (02-12-2011), EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), seekingcalm (02-12-2011), simplyfab (02-12-2011), smacked (02-12-2011), tjp613 (02-12-2011), wicked (02-12-2011)
Old 02-12-2011, 09:30 AM
  # 118 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Temecula CA
Posts: 81
Lexie, let me clear that up. If the "bail-outs" become repeated, then you leave and have him has his brothers, mother, whoever take over. Do whatever it takes to keep him from draining the family finances.

I'm not an expert like you guys, but I came from a family with many substance abuse issues, and I really believe in Zero tolerance. YOu have to allow the alcoholics actions to catch up to him to the point where he realizes that it is far better to be sober than drunk and that he HAS to change. Let him run out of options. Again, incentive for change.

No calling into work for him, no driving him to the store, no picking him up when he hits rock bottom. He has to suffer the repurcusions of the drinking. Anyway, that's how I feel.
dogluvah is offline  
Old 02-12-2011, 09:34 AM
  # 119 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Temecula CA
Posts: 81
Originally Posted by buttercream View Post
This is more entertaining than tv! ()Where is that smilie with the popcorn?

The Obama references are cracking me up. Obama was not a 50 year old man when Michelle met him!!
Not relevant.

And weren't Nicole and Keith married when she staged an intervention. BIG difference.

Okay, carry on....
If I become this guy's girlfriend and see a need for an intervention, I'm staging it. As his friend, which I am now, I may even get together with his roommate and stage one. Of course, provided this becomes necessary.
dogluvah is offline  
Old 02-12-2011, 09:39 AM
  # 120 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 139
Originally Posted by dogluvah View Post
As his friend, which I am now, I may even get together with his roommate and stage one. Of course, provided this becomes necessary.
I think you should tell his roommate of your potential future plans for this person. Like right now. Before you ever go on a date with him.
bubblehead is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to bubblehead For This Useful Post:
EverHopeful721 (05-21-2013), StarCat (02-12-2011), tjp613 (02-12-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:12 AM.