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Old 02-11-2011, 09:05 PM
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I'm still wondering how a never married 50 year old man who does not believe in pre-marital sex can be anything but a virgin.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:07 PM
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Lexicat...

I would organize and intervention after I found out he was an alcoholic,not before. I know how to diagnose disorders. Did I ever say anything about organizing an intervention before I determined he had problems?

I am saying what I am going to do based on what I find out.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:09 PM
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I rest my case. Good luck.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:09 PM
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You are welcome, and I'm sorry....

...I didn't mean to be mean.

Also, on the topic of religion and drinking, it turns out alcoholism is totally agnostic. It attacks people of every religious belief the same, and believing in God is not enough to make it go away all by itself.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by dogluvah View Post
Thanks for explaining, Cyranoak. And yes, I need to be challenged because I can be seriously hard-headed.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by dogluvah View Post
Lexicat...

I would organize and intervention after I found out he was an alcoholic,not before. I know how to diagnose disorders. Did I ever say anything about organizing an intervention before I determined he had problems?

I am saying what I am going to do based on what I find out.
IF he ever asks you out.

It sounds to me like you have some major control issues. What do you think gives you the right to interfere in another person's life, especially when you are just a casual acquaintance? It seems to me like you are presuming an awful lot on the chance that he'll not only ask you out, but want a second date.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:12 PM
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What I'm wondering is, why don't you feel comfortable enough with him talking about what your concerns are? That would be my first suggestion. You have some serious concerns about a serious issue. So before you even talk about anything else, I'd ask HIM about it. He won't tell you the full story but it will give you more information.

The part that you should focus on though is you and how you go into relationships. If you are going into any relationship, already requiring that there will be changes then the relationship is doomed. Add the alcoholism and not only is it unrealistic to expect he will 'change' for you but that you have that much control over anyone. Would you allow some guy to only enter into a relationship with you if he thought you needed to lose weight first or get boob implants? Doubtful.

At first when I read your posts I thought of a person who had some slight interest in a nice guy and was thinking about going out with him, but as soon as you mentioned how if he did things you didnt want or like that he'd have to change. That is when I realized that in general your perspective on relationships is more of the issue than what this guy is.

Yes I do think he is an alcoholic, probably a pretty severe one from what you say. There are more red flags than a bullfight with this guy but that isn't here nor there to me. You cannot change people. What you see going into a relationship, good or bad, is what you will experience for its duration unless the person themselves wants to change (this is esp true with alcoholics).

p.s. celebrities tend to have lots of money to afford constant stints in rehab, personal addiction specialists, attorney's to deal with legal issues, etc. Not very realistic to compare someone on a regular income able to 'overcome' things like some celebrity. Their stories are often the exception, not the rule.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:14 PM
  # 67 (permalink)  
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Thumper, your post really resonated with me and it really does seem like the thought process I am approaching this situation is just like you say it is.

I'd like to ask you: Are you still with your husband? If so, are you staying because of the kids?

I just emailed his roommate some direct questions asking him how much this guy really drinks and smokes, and would he recommend him to me. Waiting on him to response. Thing is, he roommate was drunk that night too. And he also went out for a smoke with him.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:17 PM
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I'm just wondering at this point, not having a first date alone with him yet, how much of a problem is there really
.

It will take a lot more then one date for you to figure it out. It will take a lot of dates to figure something like that out, especially if you know all you know now and still don't see it. How many dates are you willing to invest (getting emotioanally closer each time - that is what dating does) before you have enough information to cut and run? Do you think you could cut and run easily after that many dates? You are unwilling to cut and run before the first date. This is what I mean when I say it is about you.

I don't want to pass up a loving guy that could be my soulmate if there are changes he would be willing to make for me, but ultimately they are for his own good.
How about telling him "How about you get sober and into recovery, stop smoking, and then I'll date you." That would be waaay smarter for you.

Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I'm still wondering how a never married 50 year old man who does not believe in pre-marital sex can be anything but a virgin.
I will take a stab at an answer. Born again. Working an image. Quack.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:19 PM
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:20 PM
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Are you talking about smoking cigarettes???
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:20 PM
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Move on!!

Yes, don't look back and 2nd guess yourself. I am married to a functional alcoholic who is in denial. He is super sweet to me, but he drinks every day and it's always more than "just a few". We just had a baby and I am so trapped. He also picked up gambling and used all my savings without my knowledge until it was too late. He is great to the kids and the baby and does sweet things for me, but I am so fed up with his drinking. Don't waste your time and your life....move on! Good luck!
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:21 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
IF he ever asks you out.

It sounds to me like you have some major control issues. What do you think gives you the right to interfere in another person's life, especially when you are just a casual acquaintance? It seems to me like you are presuming an awful lot on the chance that he'll not only ask you out, but want a second date.
He told me at a party at his house on Sunday, to my face, in front of everyone within earshot that he likes me....We agreed to go to a group function, I didn't show up, he CALLED me on my cell phone and later I found out he told a mutual friend how much he was bummed I didn't show up...(this was before the party)

Does that clear up your assumptions that I'm assuming he likes me?
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:23 PM
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Suki, based on that-a man telling me to my face that he likes me-I'm assuming there probably will be a second date, just not sure when.

Yes, I'm controlling. It's my health and happiness, and if things aren't kosher, I don't stick around.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:23 PM
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Sounds to me like you want to rescue him. Why would you stage an intervention when you already stated that your boundary was for him to not smoke and not abuse alcohol. Why wouldn't you just leave? Given what you already know for a fact about him, he has already violated your boundaries of what you are willing to accept in a relationship. Right?
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:25 PM
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I'm not assuming a thing. He very well may have every intention of asking you out. That doesn't change the rest of my statement about your obvious control issues and your assumption that you have rights to demand anything of him. Like TJP said, either accept him as he is or move on down the line.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by dogluvah View Post
I'd like to ask you: Are you still with your husband? If so, are you staying because of the kids?
I stayed a long time because of the kids but after 16yrs together I divorced him 12 months ago.

I say because of the kids because that is where my head was at the time but I had a lot of unhealthy thinking and behavior patterns that I was not aware of. A healthy person would a) not have dated him b) not have married him c) not have stayed married to him. Healthy people make decisions that are in their own best interests - period.

I used to think some people led charmed lives but when I looked more closely (at one person in particular that I am close enough to to know some intimate details) it wasn't that challenges never crossed her path - she just made different decisions up front. Decisions that were in her best interest. This meant she was often spared having to make much larger decisions down the road.

I can also see how I never had that skill. The coping skills I learned pretty much guarenteed the exact opposite. I'm working to change that now and I really have to think about it.

Controlling your own life, actions, decisions, behavior is a good thing. Trying to control someone elses - not so much.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:26 PM
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I just emailed his roommate some direct questions asking him how much this guy really drinks and smokes, and would he recommend him to me. Waiting on him to response. Thing is, he roommate was drunk that night too. And he also went out for a smoke with him.

The roommate will tell you whatever the potential date wants you to know. Ask him directly...you think they don't talk? Normal people talk. To each other. Not through roomates. They obviously both drink and smoke. I think you should ask the roommate what he thinks of your intervention you are planning on doing. I bet that would get back to the potential date so fast it would make your head spin.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:28 PM
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Healthy people make decisions that are in their own best interests - period.

You just said a mouthful!
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:31 PM
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This thread is awesome!
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:32 PM
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I will take a stab at an answer. Born again. Working an image. Quack.
You guys are cracking me up. LOL. I would think he had sex before 50, became born again, then took the no premarital sex stance.

I do admire him for that guys. During the course of the depressing conversation we had that night about "wanting to drive cars off cliffs", he did say his Dad used to "beat his ass". I felt sorry for him when he said that. I wonder what kind of man would do that to a son, and what did he do to have his dad think he deserved that. But, this is nothing new, strict fathers use to lay hands on sons in older generations.
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