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Rock Bottom

Old 05-26-2011, 07:28 AM
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I thought my bottom was his DUI, and his not telling me about it(I found out by reading his phone) I was wrong. My bottom came during an hours long drunken rant that he put me thru, back in January. It was so bad my body was shaking from stress and fear, and it took me days to recover physically(due to lack of sleep that night, not to mention the stress) but emotionally, I'm still trying to fully recover.

It rocked me to the core, I kept just breaking out crying for no apparent reason(in reality, it was probably grief, since at least a part of me realized that was it), and it's been since then that I was pulled out of the depression that had haunted me since my last failed attempt to get away. And when I started making my plans to get out again.
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Old 05-26-2011, 07:59 AM
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I didn't like who I was anymore. I was a volcano, strong and immovable on the outside, but on the inside, all the lava churning. I started to erupt one day when AH and I went into a bar that was several miles from home, and the bartender came around the bar and hugged him, which said to me that every bartender in three counties is his best friend.

I made some snide, sarcastic comment to the bartender about him, and if the customers looked at my face they probably thought I was one crazy b*tch. I know I'm not, but if it acts like a duck and walks like a duck, you know what they say.

Then the day after New Years, when we went to a party at DS's apartment, both DS and DD apparently were extremely upset at, not only how AH behaved, but how I behaved--"like a robot--accepting his behavior."

I can take a lot, but I'm done betraying myself, and wasting my life clinging to the edge of a cliff with a ball and chain around my ankle. God has better plans for me.
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:27 AM
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My bottom in three stages:

First, as I was laying in bed with my 2 year old, putting her to sleep, and I became aware of my thoughts. They were as such: "My children would be better off without me. I want to die. I cause so much trouble, I am a miserable person. I want to die."
At this point, I realized how SICK I was...

My husband and I had an argument one day soon after because I told him that "we have different parenting styles". He used that as an excuse to drive to town and get wasted at the bar. (Any excuse to drink!) When he came home that night as I was putting the children to bed, it was the worst verbal abuse, and he became physically violent, breaking things. (My mom had warned me that he would get physical. Anytime we fought, he would scratch out my face in our family photos and write terrible things about me on them). I locked myself in the bedroom until he passed out. I MOVED OUT THE NEXT DAY. Told him things were obviously not working...

When he got his 3rd DUI a month later, I told him I wanted a divorce. Later that week he got drunk, and drove his bicycle through an intersection in the city, got hit-and-run by a car, and was severely injured.

The wreckage! He is so lucky to be alive! But just yesterday he told me that he was pissed because it was so hard to accept that his body is so messed up because he didn't do the damage to himself, someone else hurt him and he just couldn't understand.... WTF!! Denial ain't a river in Egypt, buddy!! I hope for our children and for him that he really gets into recovery someday, but I have NO expectations.

I just felt like my kids deserved a family, I stayed and stayed, even when it was clear I shouldn't have. There was just no love... I hated myself, I hated him, I hated EVERYTHING about my life.

What a transformation since then. I am strong, confident, and following my heart and dreams. I have a good connection with my HP, and that is something I never ever felt in my life. A connection with something greater than myself, and understanding of what I am here to do.

I am so thankful to Al-Anon and my friends in the fellowship.
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:39 AM
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Mine was within the last month. She went on a 5 day blackout binge and something just broke. When she sobered up I told her I was moving out and I did. I haven't said anything about divorce yet but there is no way I will ever go back to living with her.

Or 36th anniversary is next month.
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:16 AM
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This is a great thread! I was just thinking I had hit rock bottom with my XABF yesterday, after I got so angered by his abusive behavior I swirved off of the road, spun out a few times, flipped over 2x, and nearly killed us both. It shouldn't have gotten that far, but I guess that's why they call it "rock bottom."
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by nicam View Post
This is a great thread! I was just thinking I had hit rock bottom with my XABF yesterday, after I got so angered by his abusive behavior I swirved off of the road, spun out a few times, flipped over 2x, and nearly killed us both. It shouldn't have gotten that far, but I guess that's why they call it "rock bottom."
Are you all right? I hope you weren't hurt.
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Old 05-26-2011, 09:59 AM
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My rock bottom was last September, when my H relapsed and I beat him up in public. Someone called the Cops and I was arrested spending 4 hours in jail. All I thought about was my kids. I have been working on myself ever since. Not about him anymore.
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Old 05-26-2011, 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Mine was far more subtle - nothing special - just another stupid conversation full of blame and projecting. Only this time I sat quietly, watching objectively, listening as he called me a passive-aggressive manipulator and a lair for the umpteenth time, and realized he has been talking about himself all this time. He's not describing me. Anyone else who knows me knows I am not those things. He's describing himself. He's throwing his baggage at me and expecting me to take it on so I can feel as bad inside as he does. And he was 40 days sober and attending AA. It was the realization that nothing is changing on his part, now its time to change it on my part. I deserve better than this; my daughters deserve better than this. Heck, the dogs deserve better than this. And I left that day. I don't miss those conversations.
Wow, this could be a page from my journal (except for the part about kids and dogs...that's got to complicate things on a whole other level). This is a very precise way of describing the dynamic between an addict and their partner.
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Old 05-26-2011, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
Are you all right? I hope you weren't hurt.
I am, thank you! It was a miracle we walked away from that accident, we should both be dead. I had a concussion, some cuts from the glass when I crawled out, and lots of muscle soreness and back trouble, but nothing too serious. Thank God!
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Old 05-26-2011, 12:57 PM
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thank you, thank you!

Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Mine was far more subtle - nothing special - just another stupid conversation full of blame and projecting. Only this time I sat quietly, watching objectively, listening as he called me a passive-aggressive manipulator and a lair for the umpteenth time, and realized he has been talking about himself all this time. He's not describing me. Anyone else who knows me knows I am not those things. He's describing himself. He's throwing his baggage at me and expecting me to take it on so I can feel as bad inside as he does. And he was 40 days sober and attending AA. It was the realization that nothing is changing on his part, now its time to change it on my part. I deserve better than this; my daughters deserve better than this. Heck, the dogs deserve better than this. And I left that day. I don't miss those conversations.
This description is amazing. Thank you for sharing it. Its a perfect description of what I went thru about 6 months after I moved out. We had a family therapy appt for the kids and I was sitting there, watching him do what you described and I felt like the scales had fallen off of my eyes and ears. I could really see what he was doing. Mind-blowing. I wish with all my heart that I would have gone to therapy 3 years earlier when it started to get really bad. Maybe I could have seen what he was doing.
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Old 05-26-2011, 01:03 PM
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Mine was a moment where my heart stopped caring. I had gone to him the month before and begged and pleaded with him to be honest about his relapse. That I knew he was using (didn't know what at that point), and told him if he would just come clean I wouldn't divorce him (this was after several previous relapses. The final time he'd come to me I had told him next time I am out). Anyhow, our whole family is sitting there watching Dancing With the Stars. There's a dance on there about addiction and part of it is the addict relapsing - getting pulled back in. It was incredibly moving. He's sitting a bit in front of me, and crying. I kept staring at him...waiting for him to acknowledge he was using. He didn't. He got up and went to bed, didn't say anything to any of us.

That night I knew. I knew I couldn't love him any more. My soul needed a partner who is honest and one who would at least try and be sober. About 4 months later was the actual dramatic exit, but my real bottom was that night.
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Old 05-26-2011, 01:15 PM
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Banishing and nicam - I am glad my post was helpful. I didn't add that I feel the same way - wished I had been able to take the rose colored glasses off sooner... but better now than never.

He's now 6 months sober and still having issues with name calling and blaming. But not to the extent it was when I lived with him, thank goodness.

Its nice to get my self respect back. Like Mike above, I don't see us living together again anytime soon...ugh the thought makes me cringe!
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Old 05-26-2011, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by banisheggshells View Post
That night I knew. I knew I couldn't love him any more. My soul needed a partner who is honest and one who would at least try and be sober. About 4 months later was the actual dramatic exit, but my real bottom was that night.
Yeah, that's got to be big for all of us. Any healthy soul needs honesty, responsibility, respect, kindness, concern/consideration, emotional maturity, commitment, faithfulness, adequate coping mechanism, etc., from a partnership. We seem to get NONE of these basic needs met in relationships with addicts, receive abuse on top of it, and just KEEP ON giving despite it all until it destroys every aspect of our lives.

I think we hit rock bottom when we are so completely drained emotionally, psychologically, financially, physically, from giving our everything to someone and receiving nothing but blame, abuse, criticism, betrayal, etc., in return.

You realize that your big payout is NEVER going to come. You've been pumping all of your money into a slot machine that may payout small, insignificant jackpots along the way just to keep you coming back for more, and the game will continue until you are completely out of $$$.

Hey, the house always wins right? We are fighting really small statistical odds with these relationships.

And as far as "dramatic exits" go, I'm certainly feeling you there!
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Old 05-26-2011, 08:49 PM
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My Rock bottom is coming i can feel it.

I'm over trying to find a sober time to talk to AW only to realise there is no sober time.
it started when we had fights for 2 nights in a row over stupid stuff that didnt matter and didn't make sense.

i started writing in my journal and i asked myself the question. am i in an abusive relationship. i left the book on the coffee table to get myself a drink and heard her stirring. so i ran back to hid the book in case she was coming to the lounge.

thats when i first realised that yes at times it is an abusive relationship, then i started looking at what made it abusive, and saw that it was the alcohol.

then when we had another fight last night and she called me a bad father, thank fully i had been reading here and was able to get the courage to not let her push me around because her emotions were all over the place. i tried to detach as much as possible. (not easy at the beginning).

but was proud of myself, I'm getting there one step at a time
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