My bottom in three stages:
First, as I was laying in bed with my 2 year old, putting her to sleep, and I became aware of my thoughts. They were as such: "My children would be better off without me. I want to die. I cause so much trouble, I am a miserable person. I want to die."
At this point, I realized how SICK I was...
My husband and I had an argument one day soon after because I told him that "we have different parenting styles". He used that as an excuse to drive to town and get wasted at the bar. (Any excuse to drink!) When he came home that night as I was putting the children to bed, it was the worst verbal abuse, and he became physically violent, breaking things. (My mom had warned me that he would get physical. Anytime we fought, he would scratch out my face in our family photos and write terrible things about me on them). I locked myself in the bedroom until he passed out. I MOVED OUT THE NEXT DAY. Told him things were obviously not working...
When he got his 3rd DUI a month later, I told him I wanted a divorce. Later that week he got drunk, and drove his bicycle through an intersection in the city, got hit-and-run by a car, and was severely injured.
The wreckage! He is so lucky to be alive! But just yesterday he told me that he was pissed because it was so hard to accept that his body is so messed up because he didn't do the damage to himself, someone else hurt him and he just couldn't understand.... WTF!! Denial ain't a river in Egypt, buddy!! I hope for our children and for him that he really gets into recovery someday, but I have NO expectations.
I just felt like my kids deserved a family, I stayed and stayed, even when it was clear I shouldn't have. There was just no love... I hated myself, I hated him, I hated EVERYTHING about my life.
What a transformation since then. I am strong, confident, and following my heart and dreams. I have a good connection with my HP, and that is something I never ever felt in my life. A connection with something greater than myself, and understanding of what I am here to do.
I am so thankful to Al-Anon and my friends in the fellowship.