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Rock Bottom

Old 02-12-2011, 12:54 PM
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My rockbottom was what got me into Recovery. Not what got me out of the relationship with the alcoholic addict. That came some time after I started working on my self.

Here's a good thread from WhyAmIStaying that I think speaks to your post duqld :
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ce-action.html
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Old 02-12-2011, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
My rockbottom was what got me into Recovery. Not what got me out of the relationship with the alcoholic addict. That came some time after I started working on my self.

Here's a good thread from WhyAmIStaying that I think speaks to your post duqld :
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ce-action.html
Good point, L2L. Like trying to make sense of my AH never works and leaves me spinning.
When I think of my recovery and try to make good choices, I move away from him, but not because of him, but because of me and what seems best for me and that DOES make sense.
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Old 02-12-2011, 03:05 PM
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My ex stopped drinking and was pretty tame compared to some, but my rock bottom was when I caught him cheating. I was done!
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:08 PM
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I finally felt I was backed into a corner and that I couldn't live in active alcoholism (the chaos, the craziness, the insanity). When I realized that other than my own life partner, I didn't know anyone else who drank the way he did or smoked pot. If I wasn't going to accept this in friends and other family members, *why* or *why* was I accepting this from my life partner? I actually had a couple of dreams that gave me the wake up call. I knew I had to go. I was so beaten, worn out and fatigued from hopelessness and sadness. I was becoming numb. "The bottom" lasted, however, months after I left my AH too (sleepless nights, worrying, sadness, walking through life as a zombie). I didn't realize that was my bottom, until I looked back.
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:14 PM
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There have been a couple 'bottoms' in my relationship with XAH. The one related to his alcoholism was not long after he came back from a 28-day in-patient treatment program and we met for lunch. As we left the restaurant, I asked him a couple of questions about our family and his program. He came back with "Every one is telling me I was sick, but I don't see it." And "It was always the hard stuff, the vodka. I don't have a problem with beer." I realized that nothing was going to change. I went to the storage unit, grabbed my wedding dress, brought it home and shredded it by hand. I posted pics of the dress shredding to my facebook titled "I do believe I've had enough". It was very cathartic.
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:04 PM
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My bottom was a year go.... we were expecting a nice little tax return and we (i say we, but you know it was only me getting excited) were planning a first proper family vacation - a cruise. (an alcoholic on a cruise? was I nuts?) anyway, I thought it would be lovely, blah blah.
So anyway he did his taxes on the sunday and didnt go to work and went on a bender for next 3 days. Financially I didnt know how so I checked his account and found out that he had got paid some of the tax return right away and had spent alomost 2 grand! in 3 days!
That same day, the guys who lived down the street had to knock on my door and carry him up the stairs because they found him passed out down the block and were worried someone would call the cops. (this was not a usual occurrence for him so it was especially hard to see this)
2 days later he did go into rehab, at my insistence. I was supportive but the damage was done, it was like he had just ripped out the last chunk of my soul.
When he came home, he was drinking again within 2 weeks. In a way I was glad because I wanted to go. I was done. I felt guilty because I thought maybe in my own way he drank again becasue he FELT the love was already gone when he got home. But you know what, I just felt I was in my own warped game of tennis and I just wanted to stop playing.
And once my mind was made up, that was it. And I would often say to him (not as a threat, but as a fact) that he was just killing me bit by bit and when there was nothing left, I would not stay and I would not be back. Dont think he believed it. He does now
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Old 04-14-2011, 05:37 PM
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This is a wonderful thread

so I wanted to push it back up in case some people haven't read it.

I thought I had my bottom one night in late November 2010. My AH got wasted while I was at my AA meeting. I came home at 9:30pm to find both of my kids still up, watching a movie. They quickly went to bed. Then he proceeded to berate me about the fact that the taxes were late, etc etc. I told him I was going to bed. He continued to talk loudly to himself downstairs for two hours. I laid in bed praying and wondering how long I would have to live like this. A voice in my head said, "as long as you choose to". I came downstairs and told him that he could be quiet and go to sleep, or I could call the cops. He told me to call the cops and started laughing. He never believed I would do it (the only reason I had the notion that I could do it was this board). I did.

The next day we had a long chat. I told him he had to change or we'd get divorced.

Well. He quit for 2 or 3 days. Then told me he wanted to moderate. Two glasses of wine per day. I said nothing - knowing that unless he admitted he was an alcoholic, there was nothing I could say that would make any difference.

Now we're into April. His 2 glasses per day have turned into a bottle of wine a night. Not much. Not enough for a blackout. But too much. And once a week he gets drunk. Usually, he goes to bed and passes out quietly. But sometimes he Quacks.

I was beginning to think about leaving. This past Tuesday, he did it again. Not as bad as November, but bad enough. He apologized the next morning (ha!) and didn't drink yesterday. Tonight, one glass of wine...so far.

But you know what? This is bottom enough for me. He is unwilling to admit he has a problem. Unwilling to make change. I'm done.

Sorry so long!
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Old 04-14-2011, 05:52 PM
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My story is similar to yours! In October we got invited to a wedding and I was looking forward to it for months. Between the ceremony and the reception, we went home and unbeknownst to me, my husband chugged vodka at our house (should've been tipped off by the fact that he asked me to drive because he was "tired"). We got there, my AH had one drink and totally blacked out. My six year old son was there and was having fun and wanted dinner, so I chose to put my AH in our car and take the keys and go back in with my son so he could at least have his entree since we had driven so far.

I was completely stressed, trying to rush my son through his meal and eyeing the door because I was panicked my drunk hubby would walk in and do something crazy. We didn't get to dance, have cake, or anything fun. I was so mad because as a mother of two young kids, I don't get to go out for fun very often and this was supposed to be a big night for us.

Soon after that night, we got him into rehab and it has been a ROCKY road since then. I will never have a night like that again though, I will tell you that much. I already planned our summer family vacation and he isn't invited.
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Old 04-15-2011, 09:10 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Mine was a long drawn-out bottom line. He didn't drink because he was on DUI probation. That ended, and I waited. Within 3 weeks, he had ramped back up to a couple of binge nights a week. Sometimes I took him by the hand to bed so my ds wouldn't see him. The moment of rock-bottom was when he turned around in the bedroom, still holding my hand, and said "I love you, drunk or sober". The next day (after the hangover was over), I told him I was no longer willing to live with an active alcoholic. Then I went about my business, not waiting for him to slip up, just trusting that the way would open for us. So when he took my son out for a treat, and had a drink, the consequences of his decision became my call to action. His sister thinks that was my rock-bottom; but it wasn't. That had come weeks before.

- Sylvie
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Old 04-15-2011, 09:58 AM
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I thought I was at rock bottom when he was driving the kids around while drinking. But! I could find a way around that by becoming the taxi. At that time I started to talk to friends and family about what was really going on and admitted to myself and them that I couldn't go on like this.

Real rock bottom was cheating. I forgave once, but found he was right back at it a week later and had gone more underground with his communications to the ladies. I'm a person who assumes people, anyone, is telling me the truth until I start catching inconsistencies. Oh, but when I do, I keep a mental catalog and begin to compare every utterance. It doesn't take long after that. Love letting a liar lie when I already know the truth. Then I can see just how far they'll go.
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Old 05-25-2011, 01:51 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Ladybug0130 View Post
I was completely stressed, trying to rush my son through his meal and eyeing the door because I was panicked my drunk hubby would walk in and do something crazy. We didn't get to dance, have cake, or anything fun. I was so mad because as a mother of two young kids, I don't get to go out for fun very often and this was supposed to be a big night for us.

I will never have a night like that again though, I will tell you that much.
Oh, Ladybug... your post made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My last big "bottom" was a wedding incident too. One of my best friends from HS... we had travelled 6 hrs to be there... and it all went so terribly wrong. The whole thing was supposed to be so happy, and now her wedding day is a big fat blackeye in my memory.

We have a wedding this weekend. I'm sitting this one out. I'm done doing weddings with my STBXAH. They are an opportunity for him to get out of control drunk, and a source of stress and anxiety for me.



And back on topic... I've had several "bottoms" along my journey. One of the big ones got me into Al-anon, the last one got me to an attorney's office. I think bottoms are great motivators for change.
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Old 05-25-2011, 02:32 PM
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I did not like myself, my behaviours, my language, and my reactions...I took a good look at me....
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Old 05-25-2011, 04:15 PM
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I remember looking at her drunk and unconscious in our bed and wondering if she was breathing. Then I thought she had stopped breathing. It was at this point I realized I wasn't going to do CPR and I wasn't going to call 911.

I went out to the kitchen and had a cup of coffee.

She didn't die and I was slightly disappointed.

That was my bottom.

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Old 05-25-2011, 04:29 PM
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I am not sure I've hit my bottom and that's probably why I continue to feel distressed by the words AH throws my way.

I really really relate to the poster who spoke of 'you'd think that was my bottom... but it wasnt...' I am taking steps to ending my marriage but it is with a heavy heart and I am not 100% committed to doing so.

Moments that ought to have been my bottom:
When AH got drunk and embarrassed himself and me and our 7 month old daughter at a family gathering and promised to get help for his drinking and didn't and I was too afraid of his reaction to say anything.
Each of the times he's allowed his family members to verbally assault me in OUR home and says nothing.
When my AH disappeared right after D3 was born and came back drunk
When AH ruined D5's 4th and 5th bdays by getting so drunk that I am pretty sure there are kids D5 is friends with whose parents won't let them come over here
When AH disappeared over MLK weekend and I thought he was dead (and felt relief) and then promised to go to inpatient rehab and assaulted me on the day he was to leave, got arrested etc...

There's more, but I am doing myself no good reminding myself of it all. There are many bottoms and I am inching along (great way to put it stolen from earlier poster!) making changes...
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Old 05-25-2011, 04:41 PM
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For me I don't see a bottom, I only see my eyes opening wider, my knowledge becoming greater, my head further out of the sand and my hopes of a RAH and a good marriage diminishing as time goes by. As his illness has progressed and our marriage has deteriorated there has been this slow process I have been going through, but has quickly speeded up over the past few months with alanon, SR and therapy. There have been turning points in our marriage, moments which led me down this path but not one great moment that was my bottom. I sure don't want one of those moments because it will not change how I feel but just make the here and now that much more difficult.
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Old 05-25-2011, 04:57 PM
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Mine was hearing my exabf put his gun in his mouth and threaten suicide on the phone with me.

Originally Posted by duqld1717 View Post
Everyone talks about how alcoholics have to hit rock bottom in order to change. Well, let's switch the focus to us-the friends and family of an alcoholic....What was everyone's rock bottom that they hit when they realized they couldnt take their A's behavior anymore??

I'll start with mine-One of my good friends from college got married this past December on our college campus. They have a chapel right on campus and I was so looking forward to going back to where I went to school and seeing people I hadn't seen in a few years. It was a beautiful but cold day, the sun was out and she looked beautiful. I had been anxiously awaiting her wedding since the day I found out she got engaged. I had brought my now XABF as my date. Big mistake. He ended up ripping shots and chugging beer and getting so drunk and sick and obnoxious at the beginning of the reception, we had to leave. (We were basically asked to leave). I missed her entire reception. I WILL NEVER LET SOMEONE STEAL ANY MORE MEMORIES FROM ME. That was my rock bottom where I knew I was done. What is everyone else's???
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Old 05-25-2011, 05:39 PM
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The moment I decided I had to leave my abf was when he said that the reason he couldn't stop drinking was because I did not trust him not to drink.

At that moment I knew I was dealing with someone completely insane and irrational, and I had to go. I looked up alcoholic insanity on the internet, and I found SR.
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Old 05-25-2011, 05:51 PM
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My bottom came when I realized I didn't like who, and what, I had become.
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Old 05-25-2011, 06:01 PM
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Bottom One:
It was December 22, I was coming back from my once-a-year-visit with my family (XABF objecting to seeing them any more often than that). He was driving home from work, verbally assaulting me over the phone about how I ruined his whole day because I didn't tell my father to **************** because he didn't ask how XABF was or buy him a card. I explained to XABF, once again, that I had no control over my parents' behaviors or feelings towards him or towards me, that they didn't accept me either. He continued his barrage, which resulted in an argument in his car in my parking lot, and culminated in him throwing furniture around my apartment and screaming in my face while I was trying to sleep.
I finally grabbed my keys and left to spend the night at work (didn't even bring my cell phone with me). Did some searching for "Alcoholic Rager" on the internet, and found SR.
The next day he called my work phone (on my cell phone) and yelled at me demanding to know why I wasn't answering my cell phone. (Um, hello? You have it...)

He went into rehab on Christmas Day.

Bottom Two:
After him trying to control me while he's in rehab, demanding I do things like iron his shirts, answer the phone ten times a day (I told him once per day, and I wouldn't answer after that), and anything I can think of to try to get some distance.
A week later I visit him, explain to him how I've been feeling this whole time, how I don't think I'm in love with him again and I want to start over, him always staying at his mother's house and me always staying at my apartment, starting out slow. He said he understood, then proposed to me, and when I told him no, don't even ask that, his explanation? "I understand... You want it to be special. Should I get you a ring?"
The next day he calls like nothing's wrong, says that now that I visited him I should answer the phone whenever he calls, because it's so hard for him in rehab without me...

I blocked his phone numbers after that, and paid extra to block restricted numbers (since the rehab phone was restricted), and I've been no contact ever since - excluding brief negotiations about the day the moving van I hired would drop things off at his mother's house, and of course the time he cornered me at my desk.


I have had enough bottoms.
I deserve better than that.
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Old 05-25-2011, 10:28 PM
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Like it was said earlier, I think rock bottom is like a moving target too.

Rock bottoms I thought were it but really weren't:

1. First time he ever got drunk with me before even realizing he was an A. Aggressive, yelling at me in our apartment complex at college, jumping up and down in the elevator and yelling at me as people walked into it. Not allowing me to keep his car keys. Him driving home blacked out thirty five miles away on the freeway at 2am. Me being drunk (not an A) and having to drive and follow him home the entire way for his own safety yet risking mine.

2. The time he slit his wrists at home while I was over the phone with him and he resisted my pleadings for him to get help.

3. The time he claimed he drank bleach because he wanted to die and was tormenting me over the phone again. Later I found out he just lied about it.

4. The time we were standing on the sidewalk of a busy street and he threw our food we had just picked up all over the street in front of people because he was angry after an argument.

5. The time we got into a bad argument over me going on a girlfriends only trip. His words were SO harsh I opened up the car door and walked out of it while we were in the middle of a road at a stoplight.

6. The time I planned a fun trip for his birthday weekend including time with his friends, but he just spent the whole time doing coke and drinking and of course yelling at me (because I guess, it was not what he wanted to do...despite the fact I had asked him and he never answered).

7. The time he lied about a ring he had gotten me. Had said it was gold and a diamond. Had it checked out (I was suspicious) to find out that it was a fake diamond in gold. Confronted him about it (not that the ring was important but the lie) only to get more aggression back in return.

And finally my REAL rock bottom:
He cheated on me.



....haha I picked out a lovely man didn't I?
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