I Need Advice/Input
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
let's turn the tables some more. imagine that your partner was working and raising the kids alone. would you then call him up and BLAME HIM for the fact that you were doing nothing for your offspring?
of course.
sure, it is her fault, i have a place to live, a nice red truck and the kids are her problem.
life is great for me.
because i deserve the best.
personal exceptionalism.
Beth
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
It's really hard being a single parent responsible for everything, and it can be so hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes. good advice from everyone above, nothing to add but my best wishes and support (())
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Incidentally, most courts will "impute" income to a parent who isn't working without good reason. For example, let's say a doctor capable of pulling down $250,000 a year decides to quit and go to work at McDonald's to avoid paying support. The court will impute what he is capable of earning, and figure the child support based on the $250,000 a year, not the six bucks an hour he gets flipping burgers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Northfield NJ
Posts: 31
Thank you so much for that insight. We are both Christians, I take all 3 of my babies to Sunday School every week after I work 7p-7a on Sat night. God is good and I am not by any stretch of the imagination trying to play the martyr role. No benefit to it. It's silly.
My AH Had a drug and alcohol history from 20 years ago. (We are early 40's) First wife left him with their 2 year old son, and since he had been in rehab and had dui's x2 he only got Supervised Visitation, overseen by none other than Mom and Dad.
This was all kept secret from me and I didn't find out that he had a drinking problem until about 3 years in when I found empty rum bottles all over my house. Nice, huh?
HIS CHARACTER AND BEHAVIOR HAVE JUST GONE DOWN HILL FROM THAT POINT. MOST TIME i HAVE SEEN SOBER AT ONCE IS 5 MONTHS. I have been through so much as you all know with my AH, Have tried to hang in there and be supportive, but I feel that if I did give him another chance Odds are he would blow it--You know the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior......Claims to have a sponsor and be working the Steps--On Step 3 I believe he said. That must not be the one where he learns to make amends (LOL) bc he still mad at me for some reason! Makes me sad--makes my little girls sad, and the baby doesn't even realize what is going on yet.
We are all okay--I have so much to be thankful for--and I am thankful for all of tese nice people with so much experience at SR. Thanks you guys
My AH Had a drug and alcohol history from 20 years ago. (We are early 40's) First wife left him with their 2 year old son, and since he had been in rehab and had dui's x2 he only got Supervised Visitation, overseen by none other than Mom and Dad.
This was all kept secret from me and I didn't find out that he had a drinking problem until about 3 years in when I found empty rum bottles all over my house. Nice, huh?
HIS CHARACTER AND BEHAVIOR HAVE JUST GONE DOWN HILL FROM THAT POINT. MOST TIME i HAVE SEEN SOBER AT ONCE IS 5 MONTHS. I have been through so much as you all know with my AH, Have tried to hang in there and be supportive, but I feel that if I did give him another chance Odds are he would blow it--You know the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior......Claims to have a sponsor and be working the Steps--On Step 3 I believe he said. That must not be the one where he learns to make amends (LOL) bc he still mad at me for some reason! Makes me sad--makes my little girls sad, and the baby doesn't even realize what is going on yet.
We are all okay--I have so much to be thankful for--and I am thankful for all of tese nice people with so much experience at SR. Thanks you guys
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Northfield NJ
Posts: 31
Cyr--
I had never heard of the 4th C. Thanks for explaining that concept. I know I could use Alanon but I am a little overwhelmed balancing everything. I try and work one night of OT per week (4 12.5 hr shifts).
I know I have treated him like a child. I fully admit that and you are 100% correct. I don't want to, but I can't trust him to be responsible with our children, our finances, his business, (construction business grossed 2 mill per year in 2005/2006) It is now Bankrupt. I would love to put him in charge of everything so that I can relax, but you can't let someone drive the bus if they are driving you into a ditch! I have been a huge enabler at times, putting out fires left and right. I just didn't want to lose everything we had. (Like I could prevent it by doing anything other than untangling our finances) Can you imagine going to work and finding out that my 5 year old was changing my one year old's diaper bc daddy is passed out on the couch from drinking.
I also have had no real boundaries established and don't even know how to go about stating and establishing such. That's how sick I am. Any suggestions where to start?
I do Expect hijm to work. I work at night so he could work during the day like he used to. Do you really feel that after 4 months sober he still can't be trusted alone with my babies?
Be tough on me--I need it. Open my eyes. Please
Babysitting I thought would be okay IF he is sober. I don't know if he is or not bc there is no way to tell from 1000 miles away. His behavior does not indicate that he iw working any steps bc he is still angry at me.
I had never heard of the 4th C. Thanks for explaining that concept. I know I could use Alanon but I am a little overwhelmed balancing everything. I try and work one night of OT per week (4 12.5 hr shifts).
I know I have treated him like a child. I fully admit that and you are 100% correct. I don't want to, but I can't trust him to be responsible with our children, our finances, his business, (construction business grossed 2 mill per year in 2005/2006) It is now Bankrupt. I would love to put him in charge of everything so that I can relax, but you can't let someone drive the bus if they are driving you into a ditch! I have been a huge enabler at times, putting out fires left and right. I just didn't want to lose everything we had. (Like I could prevent it by doing anything other than untangling our finances) Can you imagine going to work and finding out that my 5 year old was changing my one year old's diaper bc daddy is passed out on the couch from drinking.
I also have had no real boundaries established and don't even know how to go about stating and establishing such. That's how sick I am. Any suggestions where to start?
I do Expect hijm to work. I work at night so he could work during the day like he used to. Do you really feel that after 4 months sober he still can't be trusted alone with my babies?
Be tough on me--I need it. Open my eyes. Please
Babysitting I thought would be okay IF he is sober. I don't know if he is or not bc there is no way to tell from 1000 miles away. His behavior does not indicate that he iw working any steps bc he is still angry at me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by Hailee 
Do you really feel that after 4 months sober he still can't be trusted alone with my babies?
Be tough on me--I need it. Open my eyes. Please
Babysitting I thought would be okay IF he is sober. I don't know if he is or not bc there is no way to tell from 1000 miles away. His behavior does not indicate that he iw working any steps bc he is still angry at me.
Be tough on me--I need it. Open my eyes. Please
Babysitting I thought would be okay IF he is sober. I don't know if he is or not bc there is no way to tell from 1000 miles away. His behavior does not indicate that he iw working any steps bc he is still angry at me.
Originally Posted by Hailee
I also have had no real boundaries established and don't even know how to go about stating and establishing such. That's how sick I am. Any suggestions where to start?
My first one (at least that was a conscious statement): I will not listen to any one tell me that I'm stupid. If some one tries to, I will say "I'm done." and walk away or hang up. I haven't stated that boundary out loud to XAH, but I did use it, maybe not so eloquently, but still... Now I just have realize all the different ways he and his GF are doing that.
It is hard. Don't be so hard on yourself. It will be OK; you already are OK. Just, please, remember some where in you hectic schedule to take care of yourself, too. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Hailee...
How are you today? It's FRIDAY! TGIF!
Re: your AB watching your infant after not drinking for 4 months...my personal view on this is No. Friggin. Way.
He is clearly unable to control himself. He is clearly not in recovery. He's just a dry drunk. Would you trust a stranger who just happens to be a dry drunk to watch your child? If not, then what makes this man any more special or competent than a stranger to watch your child?
Regarding boundaries...it's time to reflect. Start thinking about what is acceptable to you and what isn't. It's different for everyone. For me, the first and most important boundary was this: I refuse to give XAH money to buy booze. It took a lot for me to assert this, but once I did, he never asked me again to pay for his alcohol.
My second boundary was: I will not be verbally abused, whether by phone or email. If I am spoken to with anything but respect, I will cut communication and walk away. This one was harder because at core, my XAH was an abusive man and he fought hard when I refused to play the role he had scripted for me (the role of victim and punching bag). Eventually though, he got the message...and so did I!
So what are the things you simply refuse to accept in a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise?
How are you today? It's FRIDAY! TGIF!
Re: your AB watching your infant after not drinking for 4 months...my personal view on this is No. Friggin. Way.
He is clearly unable to control himself. He is clearly not in recovery. He's just a dry drunk. Would you trust a stranger who just happens to be a dry drunk to watch your child? If not, then what makes this man any more special or competent than a stranger to watch your child?
Regarding boundaries...it's time to reflect. Start thinking about what is acceptable to you and what isn't. It's different for everyone. For me, the first and most important boundary was this: I refuse to give XAH money to buy booze. It took a lot for me to assert this, but once I did, he never asked me again to pay for his alcohol.
My second boundary was: I will not be verbally abused, whether by phone or email. If I am spoken to with anything but respect, I will cut communication and walk away. This one was harder because at core, my XAH was an abusive man and he fought hard when I refused to play the role he had scripted for me (the role of victim and punching bag). Eventually though, he got the message...and so did I!
So what are the things you simply refuse to accept in a relationship, whether romantic or otherwise?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It's hard to know these things...
"I had never heard of the 4th C. Thanks for explaining that concept. I know I could use Alanon but I am a little overwhelmed balancing everything. I try and work one night of OT per week (4 12.5 hr shifts)."
Yeah, depending on where you live and the babysitting thing, it really can be hard, if not impossible. Coming here is the next best thing.
"I would love to put him in charge of everything so that I can relax, but you can't let someone drive the bus if they are driving you into a ditch! I have been a huge enabler at times, putting out fires left and right. I just didn't want to lose everything we had."
Understood. I've been there too and you are right. My point was more towards, when you have to take the keys to the car because they are drunk, or you have to take the checkbook or hide funds, how do you do it? At first I did it with lectures and guilt trips. Later I simply took the keys or checkbook, and if she fought about it I simply said "talk to me when you are sober." This often did not go well, but I stuck to my guns.
"I also have had no real boundaries established and don't even know how to go about stating and establishing such. That's how sick I am. Any suggestions where to start?"
I learned how to do this in Al-Anon. It was very hard for me, and I didn't figure it out overnight, but I did figure it out. That said, one way to look at is this-- would you accept that behavior from a man who was not your husband? If not, consider that may be something around which you might set a boundary (but only if you will enforce the consequence-- often something unpleasant like living apart or divorcing).
"Do you really feel that after 4 months sober he still can't be trusted alone with my babies?"
I don't know. Do you really feel that after 4 months of supposed sobriety he can be trusted alone with the single most precious things in your life? If he were a normal babysitter would you trust him/her with the single most precious things in your life? If yes, yes. If no, no.
"Babysitting I thought would be okay IF he is sober. I don't know if he is or not bc there is no way to tell from 1000 miles away."
All drunks are sober until they take the first drink. Some people in recovery recover quickly and never drink again. Others relapse many times and finally find recovery. The rest die from the affects of alcohol. And, I bet you can tell if he's been drinking over the phone. I, gently, call baloney on this.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Yeah, depending on where you live and the babysitting thing, it really can be hard, if not impossible. Coming here is the next best thing.
"I would love to put him in charge of everything so that I can relax, but you can't let someone drive the bus if they are driving you into a ditch! I have been a huge enabler at times, putting out fires left and right. I just didn't want to lose everything we had."
Understood. I've been there too and you are right. My point was more towards, when you have to take the keys to the car because they are drunk, or you have to take the checkbook or hide funds, how do you do it? At first I did it with lectures and guilt trips. Later I simply took the keys or checkbook, and if she fought about it I simply said "talk to me when you are sober." This often did not go well, but I stuck to my guns.
"I also have had no real boundaries established and don't even know how to go about stating and establishing such. That's how sick I am. Any suggestions where to start?"
I learned how to do this in Al-Anon. It was very hard for me, and I didn't figure it out overnight, but I did figure it out. That said, one way to look at is this-- would you accept that behavior from a man who was not your husband? If not, consider that may be something around which you might set a boundary (but only if you will enforce the consequence-- often something unpleasant like living apart or divorcing).
"Do you really feel that after 4 months sober he still can't be trusted alone with my babies?"
I don't know. Do you really feel that after 4 months of supposed sobriety he can be trusted alone with the single most precious things in your life? If he were a normal babysitter would you trust him/her with the single most precious things in your life? If yes, yes. If no, no.
"Babysitting I thought would be okay IF he is sober. I don't know if he is or not bc there is no way to tell from 1000 miles away."
All drunks are sober until they take the first drink. Some people in recovery recover quickly and never drink again. Others relapse many times and finally find recovery. The rest die from the affects of alcohol. And, I bet you can tell if he's been drinking over the phone. I, gently, call baloney on this.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Northfield NJ
Posts: 31
Now what??
Okay so nowI have been avoiding contact with him altogether. AH started yelling at me over the phone that "my behavior needed to change" etc. etc. Click. That being said, I need to file Tax returns, Personal and business, he stopped paying the mortgage, is not paying me anything for support and he refuses to discuss any of this with me. Sent him an e-mail with bullet points listing everything I needed to know, and he ignored it. He has destroyed us financially. I had everything when we met--my own house, a sizable savings account, perfect credit, He convinced me he wanted a family with babies, and now look- He is 1000 miles away doing whatever he feels like doing and has seen these children once in 4 months. Calls once every 2 weeks, to talk to them that is. Likes calling/e-mailing me more often than that to discuss our marital problems and he likes to keep telling me that I "am not better than he is." (????) He says this over and over--
Going to my counselor tomorrow (Tues am) and I know he called her on Friday saying HE wants to talk to her! I guess I'll find out what that nonsense is all about.
I am going to have to figure out a new place to live for us. Currently have a 6000 sq ft house that I can't support on a Nurse's salary. Oh well --One day at a time.
Going to my counselor tomorrow (Tues am) and I know he called her on Friday saying HE wants to talk to her! I guess I'll find out what that nonsense is all about.
I am going to have to figure out a new place to live for us. Currently have a 6000 sq ft house that I can't support on a Nurse's salary. Oh well --One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
It's amazing, the havoc an active A can do. Yep. Going into the relationship with XAH, I had a sizable savings, a new dependable car, hopes for my own home in the near future..... This was all while working my a-- of at college. He came into he relationship with a duffle bag and 2 milk crates. I was lucky to leave with a little more than what he came in with. Dependable car gone, savings gone, no hope for anything but a cheap rental while he was slugging down our paychecks, and that cheap rental was getting iffy.
You've been getting by on your own recently. I have faith that you'll be able to figure out how to continue doing alright or how to make changes.
Hang in there.
You've been getting by on your own recently. I have faith that you'll be able to figure out how to continue doing alright or how to make changes.
Hang in there.
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