It's hard to know these things...
"I had never heard of the 4th C. Thanks for explaining that concept. I know I could use Alanon but I am a little overwhelmed balancing everything. I try and work one night of OT per week (4 12.5 hr shifts)."
Yeah, depending on where you live and the babysitting thing, it really can be hard, if not impossible. Coming here is the next best thing.
"I would love to put him in charge of everything so that I can relax, but you can't let someone drive the bus if they are driving you into a ditch! I have been a huge enabler at times, putting out fires left and right. I just didn't want to lose everything we had."
Understood. I've been there too and you are right. My point was more towards, when you have to take the keys to the car because they are drunk, or you have to take the checkbook or hide funds, how do you do it? At first I did it with lectures and guilt trips. Later I simply took the keys or checkbook, and if she fought about it I simply said "talk to me when you are sober." This often did not go well, but I stuck to my guns.
"I also have had no real boundaries established and don't even know how to go about stating and establishing such. That's how sick I am. Any suggestions where to start?"
I learned how to do this in Al-Anon. It was very hard for me, and I didn't figure it out overnight, but I did figure it out. That said, one way to look at is this-- would you accept that behavior from a man who was not your husband? If not, consider that may be something around which you might set a boundary (but only if you will enforce the consequence-- often something unpleasant like living apart or divorcing).
"Do you really feel that after 4 months sober he still can't be trusted alone with my babies?"
I don't know. Do you really feel that after 4 months of supposed sobriety he can be trusted alone with the single most precious things in your life? If he were a normal babysitter would you trust him/her with the single most precious things in your life? If yes, yes. If no, no.
"Babysitting I thought would be okay IF he is sober. I don't know if he is or not bc there is no way to tell from 1000 miles away."
All drunks are sober until they take the first drink. Some people in recovery recover quickly and never drink again. Others relapse many times and finally find recovery. The rest die from the affects of alcohol. And, I bet you can tell if he's been drinking over the phone. I, gently, call baloney on this.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak