Blogs


Notices

My dad thinks I am an idiot to have hope for her ....

Old 01-01-2011, 08:49 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 24
Unhappy My dad thinks I am an idiot to have hope for her ....

At me dad's tonight for dinner and like so many times in the past he tells me she will never get better. I guess I am the fool for having hope that one day she wakes up and decides to be a mother again.

So far my family has made me look like an idiot for believing she will one day sober up. It just sucks having people or in this case family tell you a truth you yourself do not want to believe.

Not sure if anyone has been through this, it just is a bummer to have people around you have no confidence in your judgement.
lostfamily is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to lostfamily For This Useful Post:
chicory (01-01-2011), fourmaggie (01-02-2011), freefalling (01-01-2011), naive (01-02-2011), Thumper (01-02-2011), ToBeSerene (01-01-2011), yorkiegirl (01-02-2011)
Old 01-01-2011, 08:59 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,986
Blog Entries: 1
Well, no one knows the future. Many people recover . I hope that the family is not enabling her, or that will delay her recovery. has she shown any desire to quit?

you are not stupid to love your mom. Never give up hope. would your family consider al-anon? could you talk to your mom, and ask her if she would like to get some help?
there is not much you can do, to make her want recovery. I dont know the story behind this post, but I am sorry for the pain this brings to you. I know how it is to watch your mother drink her life away.
hugs,
annette
chicory is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
lostfamily (01-01-2011), NYCDoglvr (01-02-2011), yorkiegirl (01-02-2011)
Old 01-01-2011, 09:03 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 24
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lcoholism.html
lostfamily is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to lostfamily For This Useful Post:
chicory (01-01-2011)
Old 01-01-2011, 09:25 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 12,986
Blog Entries: 1
I am sorry. I do remember now.
Are you geting to any meetings? If you do, you will develop support relationships with those who can communicate with you about your feelings, without making you feel stupid. I would not expect any family member, who is not in al-anon or who does not understand this disease, to say the right things..I am sure they just dont want to see you hurt or financially strapped.

My feelings are-focus on you and the kids. Give her to her higher power. Either she will hit bottom, and seek recovery with her whole heart, or she wont. everyones recovery is different, it appears. but meanwhile, you and the children deserve happiness. It should not wait for her to get her life straight, as she may not ever. Your lives must go on.
dont worry too much about what others think. It does not matter. Just worry about you and those babies. Her higher power is handling her.

my sincere wishes for good things for you, in this new year. You are doing the best thing for your children, and at least they are safe and at peace. I know that this is hard for you. Bless you- bunches.
chicory
chicory is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to chicory For This Useful Post:
freefalling (01-01-2011), Learn2Live (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), wicked (01-02-2011), yorkiegirl (01-02-2011)
Old 01-01-2011, 09:28 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Impurrfect's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,177
(((Lost))) your family knows how hard this is on you and your kids, and they care. Yes, they may say things about all the things you are doing wrong, tell you what to do, etc. It's all they know to do (I had the same thing happen when I was with XABF#1, 2 and 3.

I always had hope that things would get better, but it never happened. I not only sunk into full blown codpendency, I develope my own addiction, because I couldn't deal with the drama/chaos/turmoil.

I truly loved my last XABF, but when I chose recovery, and he wanted to keep using, I had to get away from him. I have no kids with any of the ex's, and I'm grateful. In the frame of mind I was in, I would have seriously damaged them.

You may want to read the ACOA form (adult children of alcoholics/addicts) to see what living with an A was like...what a huge impact it had on them.

There's nothng wrong with hope, but I found that it worked best for me, when I cut ties with them. Yes, I did write to XABF#3 on his many visits...heard all the promises, all the "I love you, I want to marry you", but as soon as he'd get out, he was back to the crack. His bottom was death. However, I feel sad, but I also know that I encouraged him, told him how much my life had changed while in recovery, and gave him something to think about.

She's not going to hit bottom until she does. It's different for all of us. I know part of MY bottom was having family alienate me, though they still told me they loved me. I spent so much time, for a long time, totally focused on him, how to help him, I basically lost myself. It took me reading the F&F forums to start taking baby steps, and it worked.

We codies have to hit our bottoms, too. I know of several parents on here, who feel bad that their kids have turned to dope, or are just bitter.

We all get there in our own time, but I pray that you get there soon. Your kids need a stable parent, and it's hard to do that, when we're still all wrapped up in the A. Personally, I would keep the kids away from him. I don't know their ages, but my niece is 17, and her dad (an A) has done some pretty bad damage to her.

I also recomment paying more attention to her AFTIONS...whith A's words are just words. They'll tell you what you want to hear (t0 string you along)

i hope things work get better soon.

hugs and prayers,

any
Impurrfect is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Impurrfect For This Useful Post:
CatLover1234 (01-02-2011), chicory (01-02-2011), freefalling (01-01-2011), Learn2Live (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), Thumper (01-02-2011), wicked (01-02-2011)
Old 01-01-2011, 10:45 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
freefalling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Dear Lostfamily

Unfortunately , in my case, my family was right! But yes it sucked . They had to rebrainwash me. I believed that he would be" loved into sobriety". Instead - when given the ultimatum to choose- he chose alcohol and a new enabler he met in rehab (while he had a lovely wife and three beautiful children may I add)

Maybe she will choose recovery. But what you say, do , fight for is not going to change one bit about her choice.

if recovery is not her choice- there will also be resentments because "you made her ".

But yes it sucks. but our families are mostly right (sorry to say) we sometimes need them to break through our denial.

Sorry if I sound negative- my experience only.
freefalling is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to freefalling For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (01-02-2011), chicory (01-02-2011), keepinon (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), naive (01-02-2011), Phoenixthebird (01-02-2011), wicked (01-02-2011), yorkiegirl (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 01:41 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
JenT1968's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Blog Entries: 1
Having a different opinion on a situation, and wanting to save you from further pain are not the same as thinking you are an idiot or making you look like an idiot.

I can appreciate how invalidating their behaviour feels. I can understand how much you don't want to hear it. I can also appreciate how hard it is to stand by whilst someone you love desperately hangs onto a hope that doesn't seem to come into reality, in the face of all evidence to the contrary and NOT say something, especially if asked or the person I love is describing their pain or obviously unhappy.

after I left stbxAH I have had ongoing contact issues with him related to our children, I was describing my dilemma to my mum and step-dad. They listened to my fears, gave me a hug and at the end, although I could tell my mum was just itching to give me advice, she didn't, my step-dad said "I know whatever you decide will be the right decision" - how perfect! I felt heard, supported and validated: but they are human and sometimes the pain of my children's contact situation is too much for them to bear.

The other thing that struck me, although I know your post was short, was you didn't describe a point where they actually said you were an idiot. I often, especially when really stressed, attribute motives and thoughts to other people that are actually some of my own. If I fear I may be an idiot for doing this, and someone doesn't agree with my actions, I think they beleive I am an idiot.

This negative self-talk and projection is something I have to work on - it may well not apply to you (())
JenT1968 is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to JenT1968 For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (01-02-2011), chicory (01-02-2011), freefalling (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), newnormal4me (01-02-2011), Phoenixthebird (01-02-2011), Thumper (01-02-2011), wicked (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 04:48 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi lostfamily-

i think the power of this board is that everyone here has lived with an alcoholic and understands the complex emotional issues involved in watching someone we love self-destruct.

in my experience, other people don't really understand, however well-intentioned they may be. i would imagine that your family, from their view on the sidelines, it appears rather black and white, but we both know it's not.

when i first arrived here and told my story, people here were quite direct in their opinions. at that time, i was so war beaten, i couldn't really process what they were sharing. i was in denial. i wanted him to be different than he was. i wanted to save him, to rescue, to comfort, to be his refuge.

as i continued along in my recovery, rather like a walking zombie i might add, i realized that i had to get the focus off of him and onto myself. what was obvious to other people around me, as they watched me suffer, was not obvious to me because i was so entangled with him.
naive is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to naive For This Useful Post:
freefalling (01-02-2011), Learn2Live (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), Phoenixthebird (01-02-2011), Thumper (01-02-2011), wicked (01-02-2011), yorkiegirl (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 07:17 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thumper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,444
Yes I think many of us have been through it. It can be hard to take when we already feel so alone and beaten down.

They see you in pain, and in chaos, and they want you to be removed from it. They do not understand why you don't remove yourself. The people here at SR do because we've been there. In my case what they couldn't see is that I could not seperate myself from him so I didn't know how to defend myself when they started in with what you describe - I defended him/us.

In the last couple of years or so that I was with my xah a line had been crossed. My life was no longer just difficult and hard. It was no longer that I was just settling for to little and missing out on better. I myself was deep in the disease those last couple of years. I was depressed, beaten, exhausted, consumed, frazzeled, overwhelmed, depleted, broken, defeated and hopeless. His emotional manipulation increased with his disease process and I was very stuck in that place of emotional abuse/manipulation as well. I had really lost myself. There was a complete and total lack of joy in my life.

We went on a vacation with my cousin, who was/is like a sister to me. We live far apart now so we aren't together often. It was a terrible vacation. I could not move past the feelings I described above. She does not judge or tell people what to do. When we left she gave me a hug and told me her heart was breaking for me. She later sent me a text saying she loved me and would offer any help I needed. Really those two sentences is all she said on the matter. She said nothing for me to defend. She did not judge. For me it was like a little wave of a magic wand that lifted enough of the fog for me to see. I am not this person, a person that someones heart breaks for. I am a person of action. I am a person of power and I will make my life a better one.

The following few months were steeped in indecision, guilt, and fear (all documented here) but I made it.

Sharing that to illustrated that your wife will recover, or you will reach that point where you decide to take control of your own life. There will be one straw that brings down the house of cards, or a slow realization, but you will get to one place or the other eventually. Keep reading SR. Attend al-anon meetings. These are things you can do regardless of where you are at in the process. These things do not threaten the relationship because 1) we get it and 2) they are all about making your life better regardless of the alcoholic.
Thumper is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Thumper For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (01-02-2011), desertgirl (01-02-2011), keepinon (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), naive (01-02-2011), Phoenixthebird (01-02-2011), wicked (01-02-2011), yorkiegirl (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 07:51 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
So far my family has made me look like an idiot for believing she will one day sober up.
Just curious, how so? How have they made you look like an idiot?
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
lostfamily (01-02-2011), wicked (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 08:10 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
dont know how old you are...but if teens...age AL ATEEN
if an adult please AL ANON....get you back...and work on you...
fourmaggie is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to fourmaggie For This Useful Post:
lostfamily (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 09:06 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
In the last couple of years or so that I was with my xah a line had been crossed. My life was no longer just difficult and hard. It was no longer that I was just settling for to little and missing out on better. I myself was deep in the disease those last couple of years. I was depressed, beaten, exhausted, consumed, frazzeled, overwhelmed, depleted, broken, defeated and hopeless. His emotional manipulation increased with his disease process and I was very stuck in that place of emotional abuse/manipulation as well. I had really lost myself. There was a complete and total lack of joy in my life.
When you posted this, I realized that over the last six months I have reached this point.

Yesterday I realized for the first time in my life that I was truly happy. I got stuck in a half-hour line at the supermarket; had to go to two different drug stores to get what I wanted; wandered all over the city trying to find a radio alarm clock because G keeps calling about one; bought yet another pair of night lights because the first pair I bought were faulty... And I had the most peaceful, relaxing, wonderful day in a very long time.

Now I'm leaving to visit my A in inpatient rehab, and I'll confess I've been dreading this visit. It will be the first time I've seen him since I left my own apartment while he was busy tearing it to shreds, and I don't want this visit (and his still continually manipulative even-when-sober behavior) to ruin my new peace of mind.

At some point there may be hope for him, but he's not there yet.

Only you can know when the lines have been crossed, both good and bad, and only you can decide what to do about it. I'm just trying to keep my options open as best I can, because I'm too confused by everything right now to decide anything, and I know that.
StarCat is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to StarCat For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), Phoenixthebird (01-02-2011), wicked (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 09:49 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hey starcat-

maybe that dread is trying telling you to skip the visit to your A?

if i was dreading visiting someone, i think i would just call and say i wasn't going to make it.

that's always an option. you don't have to go if you don't want to. it's your life!
naive is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to naive For This Useful Post:
barb dwyer (01-02-2011), bookwyrm (01-02-2011), Cyranoak (01-05-2011), Learn2Live (01-04-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), Phoenixthebird (01-02-2011), Thumper (01-02-2011), wicked (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 10:21 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
CatLover1234's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by Impurrfect View Post

I also recomment paying more attention to her AFTIONS...whith A's words are just words. They'll tell you what you want to hear (t0 string you along)
My A strung me along a very long time until I finally paid more attention to what he did rather than what he said. He would tell me constantly he loved me, he missed me, he missed "us" and all the usual lines to keep me "on the hook". But, his actions didn't show he loved me, missed me or even missed "us", etc. When I finally listened to his actions, I started seeing my situation for what it really was and saw how empty his words always were and always would be. I will always love my ex A (I still do) but I found it hurt far too much to love him and I had to let go. I learned love is not supposed to hurt as badly as it did for me being in a relationship with my ex A. Tough lesson to learn the hard way, but I am a better person for it.
CatLover1234 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to CatLover1234 For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), Phoenixthebird (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 11:01 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
NYCDoglvr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,247
Is this the place to admit that I won't go out with a recovering alcoholic? I'm sober 19 years and I prefer men who are a bit more stable.
NYCDoglvr is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to NYCDoglvr For This Useful Post:
ady gil (01-02-2011), Cyranoak (01-05-2011), freefalling (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), Thumper (01-02-2011), yorkiegirl (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 11:37 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
keepinon's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Hope is wonderful..expectations suck.Living with an active alcoholic/addict sucks.Watching your child suffer because of someone else's addiction sucks.You can have hope and not suffer .
keepinon is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to keepinon For This Useful Post:
freefalling (01-02-2011), Learn2Live (01-04-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011), Thumper (01-02-2011), yorkiegirl (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 12:43 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Hi Lost, my heart goes out to you. Warm hugs!

Someone here said, it's beautiful to have hope (people recover everyday) but that is different from having expectations. Live your life & take care of your precious children. Let them be kids & live their lives. Love your AW from a distance & like one of the posts said, give her over to her Higher Powers. As for your family, it must hurt them to know what you & your children have had to go through. They may not have the best words to express their hurt for you. It probably gets expressed in anger, frustration, etc. (I'm sure it doesn't help you, though).

Please be good & kind to yourself & your children. I will say a little prayer for you, your children & your AW today. May your family members each in your own way find recovery.
yorkiegirl is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to yorkiegirl For This Useful Post:
freefalling (01-02-2011), keepinon (01-02-2011), Leise (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 12:47 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
CatLover1234's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 57
JD, I know what you mean. I failed to mention the relationship I had with my A was all while he was "recovering" and attending AA. I still felt like I was on the crazy train so to speak. The lies, the manipulation, the empty words...I just couldn't take it anymore. I can only imagine how much worse the relationship would have been had he been actively drinking.
CatLover1234 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to CatLover1234 For This Useful Post:
freefalling (01-02-2011), Leise (01-02-2011), lostfamily (01-02-2011)
Old 01-02-2011, 05:12 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by naive View Post
hey starcat-

maybe that dread is trying telling you to skip the visit to your A?

if i was dreading visiting someone, i think i would just call and say i wasn't going to make it.

that's always an option. you don't have to go if you don't want to. it's your life!
Thanks - I think what I was dreading most was whether or not I was strong enough to make my boundaries clear. His daughter was there and backed me up, so that made everything easier.
He's still all wrapped up in himself. He wrote me a poem, he thought it was the most heartfelt thing he had done in a long time (which it probably is) and would go a long way to explaining the things he was going to change in the future (which it didn't). He wrote a list of all the things he wanted to stop doing (which were great), and of all the things he would start doing this year (which were not). I was the only person mentioned in this resolution, he didn't even mention his mother, much less his sister, children, grandchildren, etc. When I pointed that out to him he was extremely confused and started to get defensive and angry until his daughter stepped in and agreed with me.

He tried to get me to agree to allow him to move back in for the weekends only, and I told him that if he wanted to be together over the weekend we'd stay in different rooms at his mother's.
He made a list of all the AA meetings that allow spouses to attend (not sure if girlfriends are even allowed) - but if I ever went to one of those with him I know either he won't let me talk because he wants to be the one to tell the story, or he'll get all defensive if I talk and try to interrupt me (so I'll spend most of the meeting in the car). I told him I'm going to Al-Anon, but he wants to drag me to AA with him instead.
He tried to propose to me, but I shut him down. He convinced himself I didn't want him to ask then because I wanted it to be special when he did ask; I've gotten tired of trying to tell him that I'm not sure where the future of this relationship is going, because every time I try he comes up with his own explanation of what I'm saying.

Maybe someday he'll get it, or maybe someday I'll get tired of him not getting it and remove myself from the picture. I can hope for the former, but I will keep my options open in case it's the latter.
StarCat is offline  
Old 01-02-2011, 06:57 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
coffeedrinker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i think you honor yourself when you keep your distance from people who make you feel badly.

but, perhaps you need to listen harder to what is being said.

you do need to find your own truth.

peace....
coffeedrinker is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to coffeedrinker For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (01-04-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:20 PM.