Yes I think many of us have been through it. It can be hard to take when we already feel so alone and beaten down.
They see you in pain, and in chaos, and they want you to be removed from it. They do not understand why you don't remove yourself. The people here at SR do because we've been there. In my case what they couldn't see is that I could not seperate myself from him so I didn't know how to defend myself when they started in with what you describe - I defended him/us.
In the last couple of years or so that I was with my xah a line had been crossed. My life was no longer just difficult and hard. It was no longer that I was just settling for to little and missing out on better. I myself was deep in the disease those last couple of years. I was depressed, beaten, exhausted, consumed, frazzeled, overwhelmed, depleted, broken, defeated and hopeless. His emotional manipulation increased with his disease process and I was very stuck in that place of emotional abuse/manipulation as well. I had really lost myself. There was a complete and total lack of joy in my life.
We went on a vacation with my cousin, who was/is like a sister to me. We live far apart now so we aren't together often. It was a terrible vacation. I could not move past the feelings I described above. She does not judge or tell people what to do. When we left she gave me a hug and told me her heart was breaking for me. She later sent me a text saying she loved me and would offer any help I needed. Really those two sentences is all she said on the matter. She said nothing for me to defend. She did not judge. For me it was like a little wave of a magic wand that lifted enough of the fog for me to see. I am not this person, a person that someones heart breaks for. I am a person of action. I am a person of power and I will make my life a better one.
The following few months were steeped in indecision, guilt, and fear (all documented here) but I made it.
Sharing that to illustrated that your wife will recover, or you will reach that point where you decide to take control of your own life. There will be one straw that brings down the house of cards, or a slow realization, but you will get to one place or the other eventually. Keep reading SR. Attend al-anon meetings. These are things you can do regardless of where you are at in the process. These things do not threaten the relationship because 1) we get it and 2) they are all about making your life better regardless of the alcoholic.