Uncomfortable drinking

Old 09-29-2003, 03:54 AM
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Uncomfortable drinking

I'm just wondering. For those of you who are NOT A's, do you have a hard time feeling comfortable going out one night with the girls, or being at a party, etc, and having a few drinks? Sometimes I feel hypocritical drinking. It has made me not drink as much. Although I suppose that would be a good thing! How do you feel?:fpink
Old 09-29-2003, 04:56 AM
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I know I do have a problem with it. I don't want to be just another excuse for Squinty to drink--so I hardly ever drink at all. The bad thing for me is that everyone on both sides drinks, and any get-together turns into a "party". Then I look like the stick-in-the-mud, or goody-goody. Because of my upbringing, my self-image is really lacking (something I work on constantly), so I worry what people think of me. Besides, I have never liked to feel out of control. Since Squinty became an alcoholic, I worry more that I could easily become one, since my father was one, too. It's hard to not drink when everyone else is, but I just don't. I'm a better example for my kids that way, too.

But, I've never been one to "go out with the girls"--so that's not a problem for me.

I don't think I was much of a help, but perhaps I was able to help you think it through a bit, in my jumbled ramblings.....

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Old 09-29-2003, 05:40 AM
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I don't drink at all, except for a winecooler on New Years and 4th of July. Since I'm so afraid I might just turn into an A too. I don't think you should feel bad tough, you deserve a time to relax too.
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Old 09-29-2003, 06:14 AM
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Never been much of a drinker here! I do like wine coolers on occasion and no I don't feel guilty if I drink when he's not around. I do not drink around him because I want to be supportive of him and I know that he has a hard time when others are drinking in front of him so I have chosen not to be part of making it worse for him.
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Old 09-29-2003, 06:39 AM
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Funny you should mention this, because I feel the same way. Hypocritical...

I have never been one to go out and tear it up very often. I used to like to do that every once in a while, but the older I get, the more it just seems stupid. Right now, I am going to college full time and working, and with kids it just doesn't seem like I have the time, which doesn't bother me.

I don't like to go out with the A though, because I end up being forced into the "mom" role. You know, I can't drink because someone has to make sure he gets home, someone has to drive us, etc. Which is why I don't go out with him much because that's no fun.

So yes, I do find myself feeling hypocritical at times when someone invites me to go out and have a few drinks.
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Old 09-29-2003, 09:16 AM
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Even when I was single back in the late 60's I never did drink much. A strawberry daquiri on New Years Eve, etc. A wine cooler once in a blue moon. I dont like beer. And I dont like wine unless it tastes like fruit punch. Being a true Codie I dont like not being in control. And I sure dont like looking stupid. I prefer my booze cooked. I make a mean Kalua Fudge cake. LOL.

Ive always felt that I dont need to be drunk to have a good time. If you dont have enough guts to dance on the table without being drunk then you shouldnt get up there. Its funny but sometimes when I would do something spontaneous at party people would think I was drinking.

I had a standing invitation to join him after work at his hangout. Sometimes I went to eat dinner with him and then went home. He followed later. Being the only sober person on a room full of drunks is very boring. LOL. And the bar was full of smoke and I dont smoke. Also very noisy so it was hard to converse. Huz and his buds never gave me any trouble about not drinking. In fact when I walked in he would tell them to give me my usual. Hmmm. I guess I was a regular. The bartender knew my usual was 7UP no ice.

Like some of you I did end up being a taxi service to take some of them home. Sometimes if he felt he was too far gone he would call me to come get him instead of driving. I had gone to Moms that night to take her to the store. And no I dont feel responsible. So dont go there.

After the incident I threw out everything in the house even my Kalua. I told him if he even looked at any booze I would be gone. He said it made him sick to think of it. When he was on bail we went to a steak house that served beer. I know its bad to test someone, But I had to know. Im telling you now that if he had ordered a beer I was prepared to walk out and leave him there.

I havent touched anything since the accident. I know I didnt do anything but it feels wrong. I guess I dont want people to misjudge me. Look shes one too. And sure as hell it would be my luck to get picked up for speeding or a broken tail light and have booze on my breath. I can see it in the paper now. With a picture of him and that old fat hag they keep saying is me. LOL.

His family are not Alkies. Ive never seen any of them drunk. Except for his Dad who was one and is dead now. But several times they have gotten mad at me cause I wouldnt drink. Ive explained Im not a drinker and under the circumstances I dont think its wise for me to drink anything and drive.

I think Im getting better tho. Ive been really thinking about making a Kalua Fudge cake. Im going to the liquor store to get some Kalua ad I dont give a rats butt who sees me. LOL.
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Old 09-29-2003, 04:31 PM
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Well as long as you are at it, make me some Kalua fudge cake too, Cecilia. I will take my booze cooked as well.
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Old 09-29-2003, 05:56 PM
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I've never been really interested in drinking. (DOC is heroine, 8 months sober)
When hanging with my group of buddies, everyone automatically knows I'm designated driver. I always liked being the one people could count on, and enjoyed staying sober to watch the dumb stuff they all do! Sometimes I'll try to drink, but after the first Smirnoff or winecooler, I feel icky and my stomach hurts, so I'll stop.
They all smoke pot, too, and same thing there. I am the only sober one in the room, and it's always been that way.
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Old 09-29-2003, 07:49 PM
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I dont give this to just anybody but since you all have been so nice. BUT. You have to take an oath to not tell I used a box mix.
I usually make all my deserts totally from scratch. This could ruin my reputation if it got out. Whats left of it. LOL.

Chocolate Kahlua Cake With Fudge Icing

Pre heat oven to 350 degrees.
Combine the following in mxing bowl and blend well.

1 box 2 layer chocolate cake mix with butter
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1 pkg 8 serving instant chocolate pudding
4 eggs
3/4 cup Kahlua
1/2 cup water
optional 1 tablespoon instant coffee
optional 1 & 1/2 cups chopped walnuts sprinkled on top.

Pour into greased and lightly floured 10 inch spring form pan. Bake 45 to 50 minutes or until it springs back lightly when touched. I always put nuts on top cause I like them toasted and its easier for the people who dont like nuts to pick them off.

While cake is still warm in pan poke holes in it. Mix the following and pour over cake.

1/4 cup Kahlua
1 cup sifted confectioners sugar

Allow cake to cool in pan for at least 2 hours before removing from pan. Then ice with the fudge icing. Cake is better after it sits and the Kahlua has melded. I usually make the cake one day, ice it the next, and then serve it the next. Also you need to keep it in the fridge or the icing gets too soft.

Fudge Icing

1 cup sugar
1 cup heavy cream
4 squares Bakers unsweetened chocolate
1/2 cup butter
1 teaspoon vanilla
optional 1 tablespoon instant coffee

Bring sugar and heavy cream to a boil in pan over medium heat. Stirring constantly. Reduce heat and add instant coffee if chosen. Simmer gently for 6 min. Remove from heat. Add chocolate and stir until melted .
Blend in butter and vanilla. Chill untill mixture begins to thicken. Then beat untl thick, creamy and spreadable.
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Old 09-30-2003, 04:07 AM
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I struggle with this issue a lot.....I used to "party" quite a lot, but now I might have 1 or 2 beers and watch a football game or go to dinner with a friend and have a margarita. I always feel guilty....but aren't we supposed to be doing what makes our life enjoyable and managible? Do we restrict ourselves because they have a disease? I have finally decided that if mine asked me to not drink that I would honor that request......but he has never asked and still drinks himself...... SO the way I see it is that if my girlfriend and I have all the kids and we order pizza, rent movies and have a couple of beers.......I am showing that it is possible to be a responsible drinker. I have even talked to my kids when we have done this that any driving has to be done before hand......none after!!! EVEN for just two beers!!!! Maybe I am just kidding myself, but it is something that I enjoy every now and then.

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Old 09-30-2003, 09:42 AM
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I just remembered this. There may be hope for the Huz yet.

One of his co-workers was an A who was on the wagon. Whenever he would come to our house my Huz drank pop and never once even offered him any beer.

I would feel awkward drinking in front of an A. To me it would be like waving cookies in front of a dieter. That doesnt mean I would feel that I could never have cookies anywhere tho.
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Old 09-30-2003, 09:48 AM
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my AH has asked me not to drink

But his request is that I not drink when he is not there. I can drink when he is. He is concerned I will lose contorl of my behavior when under the influence and he won't be there to protect me. Its kind of sweet. In working his sobriety he has convinced himself that alcohol is a poison. Bad bad stuff.

Anyway, I don't mind and have just stopped drinking. I won't drink in front of him because I feel like someone else said about a cookie in front of a dieter. It just seems mean.

I used to drink beer quite often when out, but its a small thing to give up if it gives him some serenity when I am out without him.
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Old 09-30-2003, 12:09 PM
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I haven't been much of a drinker for years, not since I retired from the Air Force. I could buy a 6 pack and still have a beer or two in the fridge 2 months later. My self-prescribed painkiller was pot. For two years I stayed high so I could endure the pain of my daily unhappiness. Then I started Alanon, and started facing the pain.

I haven't drank or smoked anything in months now. Ooops, except for communion wine on Sunday...sometimes that hits the spot! I've got too many negative associations with alcohol right now for it to be pleasurable. In the right circumstances, with the right friends, I imagine that I could relax and enjoy a couple of beers or a couple of glasses of wine. But for me, that is in the future. After the divorce, maybe.
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Old 09-30-2003, 03:54 PM
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I went through a brief period of guilt (very brief) for liking my drink. I dunno, I just feel that's just another thing he (well me) could make me feel bad about doing. I don't drink to get drunk anymore, but I soooooo love a good beer. It's OctoberFest time and Sam Adams OctoberFest beer is to die for. It's like the filet mignon of beers. LOL
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Old 09-30-2003, 05:11 PM
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Good question!

For me I feel this way about my drinking: I am not an alcoholic, I do not crave drink of any kind, I had my time in my youth that I was wild and crazy with the best of 'em, but it was never a "problem" for me not to drink.

But, because I am married to a recovering alcoholic, I do not drink around him, I do not bring alcohol into our home, I do not serve alcohol to guests, I do not go out with my friends and come home with alcohol on my breath. I do these things b/c I chose to stay in a relationship with an addict, my husband, who I love and want to support him in every way that I can, to remain clean and sober.

If I were to drink, I would make sure that I was not going to be around him at all. We've never even had this conversation, but out of respect for him and his effort to stay sober, I feel this is a small price to pay, and well worth it if it helps him.
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Old 10-01-2003, 03:35 AM
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Just a your husband sober now?

If not, if our actions don't cause it, can't cure it and don't control it, then why does not having a beer or glass of wine mean anything?

I am not asking this to be difficult or ugly, but if it really doesn't matter what we do ...they are going to make their own choices, then why do we have to change who we are to "help" them.

I completely understand if they have requested it or are sober.....but if they are actively using.....aren't they going to continue no matter what we do......

Don't get me wrong.....I seldomly buy beer or even drink, but there are occasions that I may have one.......I don't think it changes what my husbands choices are......

Does that make sense?

Sorry to ramble, but I never can put down what I mean in writing!!! URGGGGGG!

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Old 10-02-2003, 05:36 AM
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guilty drinking

I also have struggled with this A is an active drinker.For years I didn't drink at A likes drink at home get wasted. I really don't see any fun in that. If I was going to drink I'd want to be with friends or out doing something. After awhile it just becomes more of a hassle to drink.......driving...ext.
getting a sitter. so I just didn't drink at all, Then I came to the realization that it just didn't matter if I drank or not...cause I had no control over my A. He was going to drink regarless. I started to enjoy the I decided that I had to have all faculties with me to be able to react to the continues chaus....that his drinking causes.....It's just No fun drinking with an A.....and I am taking care of me, I choose to keep my head straight....and set an example for my children... when I see so much sickness caused from drinking....I really loose any interest. so I've just decided to stay away from it.
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Old 10-03-2003, 12:18 PM
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Hi Constant---yes you made perfect sense!

Yes, H is sober--5 months today in fact.

I don't think of it as me "helping" him stay sober as much as I think of it as me respecting and supporting his efforts to remain sober.

He has never asked me not to drink around him, and we do go places where alcohol is served (like restaurants for one), but just last week we were going to go out to eat and he seemed a little anxious. He came to me finally, and told me he was having a rough day, feeling the cravings, etc., and wasn't comfortable going anywhere that served alcohol. So we didn't. I don't get the least bit upset about this or feel that it in anyway it is me having to give up anything. I would rather he be honest and forthcoming about what he's going through and talk to me about it openly, then to hide his feelings. Being an addict is hard enough on them, but being a man and having to admit that you're weak now and then is even worse on them!

If I were to have a drink in our house, right in front of him, and the next day he chose to drink again, I would NOT hold myself responsible for his actions. Just like he made the choice to drink, he also makes the choice to stay sober, one day at a time.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I love hearing what others think about these type of situations..

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Old 10-03-2003, 12:38 PM
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When I was younger I used to drink a lot, party with friends you know the whole thing. Within that last few years I haven't enjoyed it as much. I can't hold it as well as I used to, and I feel like its a waste of money. Really I'd rather take the money from a huge bar tab and travel, or buy something tangible.

When my husband and I first got together we would drink with friends or go to bars and it was fine. But somewhere along the line it became not okay. It was when I realized that he didn't have the power within himself to stop drinking. He would close the bar, he would just drink a ton. He didn't drink all the time, but when he did....

It became so that I didn't want to go out and drink with him, but did because I'd feel worried and anxious because he was drinking and I would want to stay sober so there were no arguements about who was going to drive home.

When he quit the first time I didn't drink in support. Even though he doesn't want people to change their behavior to be around him, I just felt like it was the right thing to do, plus I didn't feel like I was missing anything.

When he started drinking again, we went out and it was the same thing, me worrying about him getting home safely and such.

Recently he has quit again. The week after he quit I went on a trip with some friends and some people noticed I wasn't drinknig and they were ribbing me for it. I couldnt really say well you see my husband is an A so I'm not drinking. i could have, but it didn't feel right, and I didnt want to so I just kind of blew it off.

It is hard because you never really realize until you quit or someone you love quits, just how much every social gathering has to revolve around alcohol. It makes me sick! Why can't people do something else? Example my AH is on a trip for work this week, and where does he end up at each place hes been to? a bar. Great place for a newly sober person to be. I know its his choice, he says hes fine. He just drinks NA beer and smokes a lot of cigs. Gee great recovery program. Sigh....

Ah, I digress. Thanks for letting me insert my opinon
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Old 10-03-2003, 02:58 PM
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Ever notice that it seems like the people who drink too much who are the ones who give you the hardest time about not drinking. Its like they cant stand it that youre not acting as stupid as they are. LOL.

Personally Ive always felt that I dont need to drink to have a good time. If you have to get drunk to dance on the table then you shouldnt be up there. Never do anything drunk that you wouldnt do if you were sober.

Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
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