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Need some help with My recovery

Old 06-19-2008, 04:55 AM
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Need some help with My recovery

So you guys have all been immensely helpful these last few days as I let my SO get serious with her recovery and give her the space she needs. It is still absolutely killing me to not be with her and around her and I still just want to call her and race over to her house and be with her, but as you guys have said, that would not be helping her at this point.


So I guess my questions are the following (and forgive the convoluted nature of this post..)

1. What exactly do you mean by "my recovery" - is this the idea of recovering from needing her or wanting her? OR is it more trying to understand what she is going through? I am going to an Al Anon mtg. tomorrow night, and ordered one of the books reccomended, but as of yet am not really sure how to start or tackle this.

2. How do I deal with the following: in the past, after a "normal" breakup, I was usually OK, even if "dumped", b/c it was closure, and I could just compartmentalize it and move on. This situation (us apart as she tries to get better and the total not knowing/fear that we may or may not get bck together) scares the hell out of me. I am finding that uncertainty really terrifying, and the lack of control I have over it really really tough.

3. Being that she never once wronged me, it is hard to move on. It is not like any part of our realtionship was something I didnt like, so it is hard to even kind of be glad that we are apart. I just miss her terribly. Any tips on this?

4. I know only she can recover. But, at the very least, what should someone who at least wants to "up the odds" of someday getting back together do to make that a reality. ON my end, what should I do - I am thinking the following: Al Anon, maybe check out some AA meetings, read up on all of it and be ready when (I hope) she calls again at some point. How does this sound? Any other tips?

5. Finally - I feel guilty that I never did so much of the above before. She may have been doing her recovery "half-assed", but I now realize that I was only doing my part "half assed" as well. Bums me out.

Sorry this was long, but any tips on any of these questions would be great. I CAN NOT TELL YOU how good it is to have your guys help.

Thanks so much....
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Old 06-19-2008, 05:37 AM
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Steam…..

1. What exactly do you mean by "my recovery" - is this the idea of recovering from needing her or wanting her? OR is it more trying to understand what she is going through? I am going to an Al Anon mtg. tomorrow night, and ordered one of the books reccomended, but as of yet am not really sure how to start or tackle this.
Recovery to me is an on going process of growth for myself-self change and reclaiming myself to have a more peaceful and serene life. To reclaim my life as it is meant to be lived on my terms-free from chaos that I have had most of my life.


2. How do I deal with the following: in the past, after a "normal" breakup, I was usually OK, even if "dumped", b/c it was closure, and I could just compartmentalize it and move on. This situation (us apart as she tries to get better and the total not knowing/fear that we may or may not get bck together) scares the hell out of me. I am finding that uncertainty really terrifying, and the lack of control I have over it really really tough.
When change takes place IMHO it is full of fear from the unknown-When something
Is in limbo such as this it is hard because we feel helpless-In order to move past
this feeling and try to understand that if it is meant to be it will…we need to work
on ourselves and it is only then we can conquer this fear and live life-


3. Being that she never once wronged me, it is hard to move on. It is not like any part of our realtionship was something I didnt like, so it is hard to even kind of be glad that we are apart. I just miss her terribly. Any tips on this?
So you enjoy the fact that she is drinking?



4. I know only she can recover. But, at the very least, what should someone who at least wants to "up the odds" of someday getting back together do to make that a reality. ON my end, what should I do - I am thinking the following: Al Anon, maybe check out some AA meetings, read up on all of it and be ready when (I hope) she calls again at some point. How does this sound? Any other tips?
Exactly you got it! Now stop talking and just start doing

5. Finally - I feel guilty that I never did so much of the above before. She may have been doing her recovery "half-assed", but I now realize that I was only doing my part "half assed" as well. Bums me out.
Be bummed…..act mad get glad and get over it and now go full force with your
recovery and become the best possible person that you can for YOU!

Sending you positive vibes as I know that you are hurting however you will come
to a happier place in your life-it just takes a bit of work and remember you are worth it!

Eleanor Roosevelt:
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

Last edited by Rella927; 06-19-2008 at 06:05 AM.
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Old 06-19-2008, 05:49 AM
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Read through your own post. Look at all the things you posted about yourself. Areas of struggle and areas of growth you feel you need... That is what your recovery (growth) means. Working on the things that will help you be a better you.
Not knowing your situation, I can't say if no contact is a good thing or not. As you grow and learn, you may find areas that you may have been enabling. When we learn of such, we can be a better support by not enabling when there is contact. Again...that is an area of our own recovery we can grow in.
For some, our recovery can be learning more about ourself so we can understand why we pick the relationships we do and then start on learning how to fix a broken picker if that is the case with us.
My recovery, your recovery...learning how to do a better job of keeping our own side of the street clean as we allow others their needed space to learn and grow so they can start cleaning up their side of the street. Many times we find the answer is a simple of letting go and letting God handle such things...He does a better job then we ever could.
Meetings and time will help you learn and grow faster. It took us a life time to get to the point we are at, it may take a bit of time to figure out where we need growth.
As we grow, we understand this prayer much deeper...
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
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Old 06-19-2008, 06:57 AM
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Hi Steamer!

1. What exactly do you mean by "my recovery" - is this the idea of recovering from needing her or wanting her? OR is it more trying to understand what she is going through? I am going to an Al Anon mtg. tomorrow night, and ordered one of the books reccomended, but as of yet am not really sure how to start or tackle this.....
The idea of your recovery is everything you mentioned in all your other questions..

2. How do I deal with the following: in the past, after a "normal" breakup, I was usually OK, even if "dumped", b/c it was closure, and I could just compartmentalize it and move on. This situation (us apart as she tries to get better and the total not knowing/fear that we may or may not get bck together) scares the hell out of me. I am finding that uncertainty really terrifying, and the lack of control I have over it really really tough.....
For me, fear of the unknown comes from my want to control situations to make them suit my expectations and wants. It has been hard to learn that life just doesn't work that way! When I try hang onto my control it causes me inner pain (as you have described) and does no good toward my self, my spirituality, self esteem etc. The ''it scares the hell out of me'' that you have said reminds me of myself too, I would often feel this way. I asked myself, what am I afraid of exactly? When I looked deep into my self, i found it wasn't loosing him that terrified me, it was being alone again, feeling that I had failed (when in fact I had not, I had only done what was in my best interest) and telling myself negative thoughts like, I will never find anyone again, no one will love me in the same way he did etc. My 'fears' were manifested from all this underlying mental processes.

3. Being that she never once wronged me, it is hard to move on. It is not like any part of our realtionship was something I didnt like, so it is hard to even kind of be glad that we are apart. I just miss her terribly. Any tips on this?
Agreeing with others here... Did you enjoy the fact that she was drinking and not available to you for a 100% healthy relationship? Do you enjoy being second choice to a drink?

4. I know only she can recover. But, at the very least, what should someone who at least wants to "up the odds" of someday getting back together do to make that a reality. ON my end, what should I do - I am thinking the following: Al Anon, maybe check out some AA meetings, read up on all of it and be ready when (I hope) she calls again at some point. How does this sound? Any other tips?
You are right in this! get yourself educated, but remember that her recovery belongs to her, you cannot plan your life in the hopes that one day she will be ready, this to me is giving away your happiness into the hands and control of another person, which only ever leads to dissapointment.

5. Finally - I feel guilty that I never did so much of the above before. She may have been doing her recovery "half-assed", but I now realize that I was only doing my part "half assed" as well. Bums me out
Take this and turn it around on its head. You have ''woken up'' and now you are ready to get stuck in! Read my signiture, I thoroughly believe that we can only do the best we can at the time. The only way you should be bummed is if after coming to this realisation, you do nothing!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Last edited by DesertEyes; 06-19-2008 at 08:54 PM. Reason: fixed broken quotes
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:29 AM
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Great replies

Wow - this aint easy, but it is great.

I am slowly realizing that I really was far more of a co-dependent than I ever realized. I love her so much taht I was willing to overlook her shortcomings as if they were biting her nails or not putting the cap back on the toothpaste, while in reality, I was just allowing her to think that all was well when it was not.

My intentions were good, but I am sure now I stalled her recovery.

It still hurts but I am slowly beginning to learn why she needed time away. I still miss her and wish we were together, but the prospect of a HEALTHY us is what i REALLLLLLY want and this is the only road to that.

I would have accepted the half of her I was getting b/c I love her so much and was willing to accept that, but I realize now that that would not have been fair to me, and she never would have had and reason to get better if he who was closest to her was just telling her she was fine all the time, when in fact she knew deep down she was not.

I really am gonna get "stuck in" now and hit it hard and really get better myself in an effort to either help me, or hopefully help US in the future. I hate so say it almost, but this realization of hers could end up being one of the best things ever not just for her but for me too.

Wow - you guys are great and I am sure the ups and downs will continue, as will my questions, but keep the tips coming. I read and cherish them all!
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Old 06-19-2008, 08:37 AM
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hey,
if you're truly open to a suggestion that might help you both with your problem, I would suggest reading some literature about co-dependency. You might be offended by that suggestion, but if you are that's only your self-destructive pride trying to prevent your growth. I've lived in and suffered in your shoes enough to know what I'm saying to you might come as a harsh blow, but if you can listen to the part of you that truly wants to get well, you will be willing to look at your part in the problem.
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Old 06-19-2008, 09:47 AM
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hate so say it almost, but this realization of hers could end up being one of the best things ever not just for her but for me too.
With that one little sentence there you displayed enormous self examination! I can tell you that my son's intervention and treatment were the best things to happen to ME. Not that I'm happy that he has been struggling with this disease but that my eyes were opened. I experienced a self awakening that I believe was a direct result of his hardships.

Handing my son over to my HP (higher power.....whatever or whomever you choose him/her/it to be), has been important for my recovery. Realizing that I have no control over anyone but myself and learning to stop imposing my will on others. My recovery is a daily struggle to understand myself, my own motivations, and be content with myself.

Welcome to your journey........peace and serenity are the golden rings.

hugs
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Old 06-19-2008, 11:36 AM
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The only comment I want to make is to make sure you are doing this for you and not in the hopes of getting your relationship back. If you do get back together, then great, but even if you don't, you'll be better for it from having grown yourself. A lot of what you have written so far is clearly directed about "her" and your relationship with "her". I know it's tough to do it for you only but it's the same as the alcoholic who seeks recovery for someone else...it never really clicks, kwim? This is really about YOU separate from this relationship. HTH!
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Old 06-19-2008, 12:17 PM
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You are right

If I am being totally honest, at this stage you are right. I do want to do it for me, but SHE is just so "there" in my mind. I am working on it though - honestly. I am beginning to understand that doing it for her or us is just not gonna cut it. I will only be fooling myself like she was for so long trying but not really trying to get better.

Thanks for the honest post. It hurts sometimes, but you hit the nail on the head.

Thanks
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Old 06-19-2008, 12:33 PM
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A little analogy I have started using to try to get MYSELF to understand where I need to focus is -- "I can't control the ocean; but I will work on my boat so that it can weather any storm that comes along". It seems to help me as issues come up I will try to decide if it's an "ocean" issue or a "boat" issue.
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Old 06-19-2008, 01:53 PM
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I like the ocean and boat analogy. What a nice way to separate issues.
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