Need some help with My recovery So you guys have all been immensely helpful these last few days as I let my SO get serious with her recovery and give her the space she needs. It is still absolutely killing me to not be with her and around her and I still just want to call her and race over to her house and be with her, but as you guys have said, that would not be helping her at this point. So I guess my questions are the following (and forgive the convoluted nature of this post..) 1. What exactly do you mean by "my recovery" - is this the idea of recovering from needing her or wanting her? OR is it more trying to understand what she is going through? I am going to an Al Anon mtg. tomorrow night, and ordered one of the books reccomended, but as of yet am not really sure how to start or tackle this. 2. How do I deal with the following: in the past, after a "normal" breakup, I was usually OK, even if "dumped", b/c it was closure, and I could just compartmentalize it and move on. This situation (us apart as she tries to get better and the total not knowing/fear that we may or may not get bck together) scares the hell out of me. I am finding that uncertainty really terrifying, and the lack of control I have over it really really tough. 3. Being that she never once wronged me, it is hard to move on. It is not like any part of our realtionship was something I didnt like, so it is hard to even kind of be glad that we are apart. I just miss her terribly. Any tips on this? 4. I know only she can recover. But, at the very least, what should someone who at least wants to "up the odds" of someday getting back together do to make that a reality. ON my end, what should I do - I am thinking the following: Al Anon, maybe check out some AA meetings, read up on all of it and be ready when (I hope) she calls again at some point. How does this sound? Any other tips? 5. Finally - I feel guilty that I never did so much of the above before. She may have been doing her recovery "half-assed", but I now realize that I was only doing my part "half assed" as well. Bums me out. Sorry this was long, but any tips on any of these questions would be great. I CAN NOT TELL YOU how good it is to have your guys help. Thanks so much.... |
Steam….. 1. What exactly do you mean by "my recovery" - is this the idea of recovering from needing her or wanting her? OR is it more trying to understand what she is going through? I am going to an Al Anon mtg. tomorrow night, and ordered one of the books reccomended, but as of yet am not really sure how to start or tackle this. 2. How do I deal with the following: in the past, after a "normal" breakup, I was usually OK, even if "dumped", b/c it was closure, and I could just compartmentalize it and move on. This situation (us apart as she tries to get better and the total not knowing/fear that we may or may not get bck together) scares the hell out of me. I am finding that uncertainty really terrifying, and the lack of control I have over it really really tough. Is in limbo such as this it is hard because we feel helpless-In order to move past this feeling and try to understand that if it is meant to be it will…we need to work on ourselves and it is only then we can conquer this fear and live life- 3. Being that she never once wronged me, it is hard to move on. It is not like any part of our realtionship was something I didnt like, so it is hard to even kind of be glad that we are apart. I just miss her terribly. Any tips on this? 4. I know only she can recover. But, at the very least, what should someone who at least wants to "up the odds" of someday getting back together do to make that a reality. ON my end, what should I do - I am thinking the following: Al Anon, maybe check out some AA meetings, read up on all of it and be ready when (I hope) she calls again at some point. How does this sound? Any other tips? 5. Finally - I feel guilty that I never did so much of the above before. She may have been doing her recovery "half-assed", but I now realize that I was only doing my part "half assed" as well. Bums me out. recovery and become the best possible person that you can for YOU! Sending you positive vibes as I know that you are hurting however you will come to a happier place in your life-it just takes a bit of work and remember you are worth it! :Val004: Eleanor Roosevelt: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. |
Read through your own post. Look at all the things you posted about yourself. Areas of struggle and areas of growth you feel you need... That is what your recovery (growth) means. Working on the things that will help you be a better you. Not knowing your situation, I can't say if no contact is a good thing or not. As you grow and learn, you may find areas that you may have been enabling. When we learn of such, we can be a better support by not enabling when there is contact. Again...that is an area of our own recovery we can grow in. For some, our recovery can be learning more about ourself so we can understand why we pick the relationships we do and then start on learning how to fix a broken picker if that is the case with us. My recovery, your recovery...learning how to do a better job of keeping our own side of the street clean as we allow others their needed space to learn and grow so they can start cleaning up their side of the street. Many times we find the answer is a simple of letting go and letting God handle such things...He does a better job then we ever could. Meetings and time will help you learn and grow faster. It took us a life time to get to the point we are at, it may take a bit of time to figure out where we need growth. As we grow, we understand this prayer much deeper... God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next. |
Hi Steamer! 1. What exactly do you mean by "my recovery" - is this the idea of recovering from needing her or wanting her? OR is it more trying to understand what she is going through? I am going to an Al Anon mtg. tomorrow night, and ordered one of the books reccomended, but as of yet am not really sure how to start or tackle this..... 2. How do I deal with the following: in the past, after a "normal" breakup, I was usually OK, even if "dumped", b/c it was closure, and I could just compartmentalize it and move on. This situation (us apart as she tries to get better and the total not knowing/fear that we may or may not get bck together) scares the hell out of me. I am finding that uncertainty really terrifying, and the lack of control I have over it really really tough..... 3. Being that she never once wronged me, it is hard to move on. It is not like any part of our realtionship was something I didnt like, so it is hard to even kind of be glad that we are apart. I just miss her terribly. Any tips on this? 4. I know only she can recover. But, at the very least, what should someone who at least wants to "up the odds" of someday getting back together do to make that a reality. ON my end, what should I do - I am thinking the following: Al Anon, maybe check out some AA meetings, read up on all of it and be ready when (I hope) she calls again at some point. How does this sound? Any other tips? 5. Finally - I feel guilty that I never did so much of the above before. She may have been doing her recovery "half-assed", but I now realize that I was only doing my part "half assed" as well. Bums me out Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
Great replies Wow - this aint easy, but it is great. I am slowly realizing that I really was far more of a co-dependent than I ever realized. I love her so much taht I was willing to overlook her shortcomings as if they were biting her nails or not putting the cap back on the toothpaste, while in reality, I was just allowing her to think that all was well when it was not. My intentions were good, but I am sure now I stalled her recovery. It still hurts but I am slowly beginning to learn why she needed time away. I still miss her and wish we were together, but the prospect of a HEALTHY us is what i REALLLLLLY want and this is the only road to that. I would have accepted the half of her I was getting b/c I love her so much and was willing to accept that, but I realize now that that would not have been fair to me, and she never would have had and reason to get better if he who was closest to her was just telling her she was fine all the time, when in fact she knew deep down she was not. I really am gonna get "stuck in" now and hit it hard and really get better myself in an effort to either help me, or hopefully help US in the future. I hate so say it almost, but this realization of hers could end up being one of the best things ever not just for her but for me too. Wow - you guys are great and I am sure the ups and downs will continue, as will my questions, but keep the tips coming. I read and cherish them all! |
hey, if you're truly open to a suggestion that might help you both with your problem, I would suggest reading some literature about co-dependency. You might be offended by that suggestion, but if you are that's only your self-destructive pride trying to prevent your growth. I've lived in and suffered in your shoes enough to know what I'm saying to you might come as a harsh blow, but if you can listen to the part of you that truly wants to get well, you will be willing to look at your part in the problem. |
hate so say it almost, but this realization of hers could end up being one of the best things ever not just for her but for me too. Handing my son over to my HP (higher power.....whatever or whomever you choose him/her/it to be), has been important for my recovery. Realizing that I have no control over anyone but myself and learning to stop imposing my will on others. My recovery is a daily struggle to understand myself, my own motivations, and be content with myself. Welcome to your journey........peace and serenity are the golden rings. hugs |
The only comment I want to make is to make sure you are doing this for you and not in the hopes of getting your relationship back. If you do get back together, then great, but even if you don't, you'll be better for it from having grown yourself. A lot of what you have written so far is clearly directed about "her" and your relationship with "her". I know it's tough to do it for you only but it's the same as the alcoholic who seeks recovery for someone else...it never really clicks, kwim? This is really about YOU separate from this relationship. HTH! |
You are right If I am being totally honest, at this stage you are right. I do want to do it for me, but SHE is just so "there" in my mind. I am working on it though - honestly. I am beginning to understand that doing it for her or us is just not gonna cut it. I will only be fooling myself like she was for so long trying but not really trying to get better. Thanks for the honest post. It hurts sometimes, but you hit the nail on the head. Thanks |
A little analogy I have started using to try to get MYSELF to understand where I need to focus is -- "I can't control the ocean; but I will work on my boat so that it can weather any storm that comes along". It seems to help me as issues come up I will try to decide if it's an "ocean" issue or a "boat" issue. |
I like the ocean and boat analogy. What a nice way to separate issues. |
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:58 PM. |