I had a chat with god today
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I had a chat with god today
I was going to post, then I wasnt going to post, then I did.
With all the knowledge I have been blessed with to deal with addicts over the last few years, you would think that I would pretty much have it together.
This is what I need a little help with - my eldest son, (drug/alcohol) early age but now is going great. I lost my sister to alcoholism and there is addiction everywhere in our family.
I have suspected for some time that my second son has been using drugs but whenever I brought it up he would deny it. He lives at home and things have happened etc etc but the worst was yet to come. I went away for a couple of days and left money hidden in the house. Stupid thing to do, I know. Its gone! only two of my sons were at the house. He denies taking it point blank but my gut feeling tells me 100% he took it. Now what do I do, make my mind up that he took it and ask him to leave or go along with his lies and give him the benefit of the doubt? I have no proof that he took it but 2+2 = and Im convinced he did.
I asked him about the drugs again and he said he had a s m a l l problem, but Im suspecting worse due to telephone calls we have been receiving. He knows what we have all been through with drugs and alcohol over the years, so he knows Im not stupid - he left yelling and slamming the door, so Im sitting here now thinking - how do I handle it when he comes back.
I asked god what to do, he hasnt answered me yet..
Can any of my friends here help me out....JJ
With all the knowledge I have been blessed with to deal with addicts over the last few years, you would think that I would pretty much have it together.
This is what I need a little help with - my eldest son, (drug/alcohol) early age but now is going great. I lost my sister to alcoholism and there is addiction everywhere in our family.
I have suspected for some time that my second son has been using drugs but whenever I brought it up he would deny it. He lives at home and things have happened etc etc but the worst was yet to come. I went away for a couple of days and left money hidden in the house. Stupid thing to do, I know. Its gone! only two of my sons were at the house. He denies taking it point blank but my gut feeling tells me 100% he took it. Now what do I do, make my mind up that he took it and ask him to leave or go along with his lies and give him the benefit of the doubt? I have no proof that he took it but 2+2 = and Im convinced he did.
I asked him about the drugs again and he said he had a s m a l l problem, but Im suspecting worse due to telephone calls we have been receiving. He knows what we have all been through with drugs and alcohol over the years, so he knows Im not stupid - he left yelling and slamming the door, so Im sitting here now thinking - how do I handle it when he comes back.
I asked god what to do, he hasnt answered me yet..
Can any of my friends here help me out....JJ
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry Jo, it just stinks to be the parent of an addict.
With my son I learned to trust my instinct. If I thought he was using, he was. Time always proved what my heart already knew. The time came when I no longer felt the need to "prove" things lest I be called "crazy". I knew when I knew.
When he comes back it might be a good time to set some serious boundaries and also to be truthful and tell him how you feel about the money.
I wish I had set and enforced boundaries long before I finally did.
However this unfolds for you, we're walking with you here.
Keeping you boy in my prayers.
Hugs
With my son I learned to trust my instinct. If I thought he was using, he was. Time always proved what my heart already knew. The time came when I no longer felt the need to "prove" things lest I be called "crazy". I knew when I knew.
he left yelling and slamming the door, so Im sitting here now thinking - how do I handle it when he comes back.
I wish I had set and enforced boundaries long before I finally did.
However this unfolds for you, we're walking with you here.
Keeping you boy in my prayers.
Hugs
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Thanks D & Ann
You know, Im scared I guess. Im scared for him, not me. Im fine and strong. Its the fear of loosing him too, one way or the other, u know?
This morning, I looked into the sky and asked, why?
Why do I have to go through it again.
Ive pretty much always trusted my instincts even if I dont want to believe something. My instinct tells me he took the money. My problem is I have this need for a consequence for him, (he cant get away with it) but on the other hand, I know hes desperate to take that much money. The addiction, again. To be honest, he is so good at lying, you almost believe him. Hes my son, I want to support him, get him help, but I keep hearing those "he needs to do it himself blah blah" advice posts. After loosing my sister Im not sure I can wait, again, for him to do it himself. Hes nearly 24.
Do I try to talk to him again and suggest a rehab situation or do I ask him to leave because of the money? Thats my predicament.
You know, Im scared I guess. Im scared for him, not me. Im fine and strong. Its the fear of loosing him too, one way or the other, u know?
This morning, I looked into the sky and asked, why?
Why do I have to go through it again.
Ive pretty much always trusted my instincts even if I dont want to believe something. My instinct tells me he took the money. My problem is I have this need for a consequence for him, (he cant get away with it) but on the other hand, I know hes desperate to take that much money. The addiction, again. To be honest, he is so good at lying, you almost believe him. Hes my son, I want to support him, get him help, but I keep hearing those "he needs to do it himself blah blah" advice posts. After loosing my sister Im not sure I can wait, again, for him to do it himself. Hes nearly 24.
Do I try to talk to him again and suggest a rehab situation or do I ask him to leave because of the money? Thats my predicament.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((Jo))))
I'm so sorry you are going through this again. I have to say that I have never encountered a young adult who admits to a problem with drugs having "a little problem." I suspect if it was a little problem, it never would have become a noticeable problem.
As a mom who had 2 kids struggle and lost one to drugs, I completely understand what you are saying. I guess the thing is that even when we want to help and support, if they aren't ready, they aren't going to find their way. I finally realized all my "support" was really protecting my daughters from the consequences of their actions and controlling first their use, then their recovery. Once I stopped doing that and said I am here to support you when you are ready, they became more willing to do some of the work to ease their own pain.
I did provide info on rehabs and encourage it...to this day I do not believe that is enabling. If my child had some other serious health problem, I would research and provide info on the best treatment options too. The choice is hers to make, but I don't see the harm in providing information.
I'm not saying ask him to leave...I don't think anyone can tell anyone the best thing to do. I will say, however that when I was honest with my kids; when I learned to say what I meant and not say it mean...when I didn't get myself sucked into the drama and let them know that they had the power to choose what was next, I think they were forced not to be in denial about where they were at. Unfortunately our kids can spiral down in their addiction just as easily, if not easier, from the warmth and safety of a parent's home as they can anywhere else.
Mom to mom hugs...I really am sorry you are going through this. Prayers that your son makes some wise choices soon. Don't lose faith in your HP's answer...you never know when it will come or how it will be delivered.
I'm so sorry you are going through this again. I have to say that I have never encountered a young adult who admits to a problem with drugs having "a little problem." I suspect if it was a little problem, it never would have become a noticeable problem.
Hes my son, I want to support him, get him help, but I keep hearing those "he needs to do it himself blah blah" advice posts. After loosing my sister Im not sure I can wait, again, for him to do it himself. Hes nearly 24.
I did provide info on rehabs and encourage it...to this day I do not believe that is enabling. If my child had some other serious health problem, I would research and provide info on the best treatment options too. The choice is hers to make, but I don't see the harm in providing information.
I'm not saying ask him to leave...I don't think anyone can tell anyone the best thing to do. I will say, however that when I was honest with my kids; when I learned to say what I meant and not say it mean...when I didn't get myself sucked into the drama and let them know that they had the power to choose what was next, I think they were forced not to be in denial about where they were at. Unfortunately our kids can spiral down in their addiction just as easily, if not easier, from the warmth and safety of a parent's home as they can anywhere else.
Mom to mom hugs...I really am sorry you are going through this. Prayers that your son makes some wise choices soon. Don't lose faith in your HP's answer...you never know when it will come or how it will be delivered.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 131
I am really really sorry for what you are going through.
I say if you are chatting with god and you are not sure what to do ask god to please help with whatever you need and to help whoever you want to be happy and safe. I truly believe that always helps.
God will probably not tell you what to do but there is a little voice inside of you that will. Listen to that little voice and god will help you the rest of the way.
Again, I am sorry for you and I hope your situation gets better sooner than later.
I say if you are chatting with god and you are not sure what to do ask god to please help with whatever you need and to help whoever you want to be happy and safe. I truly believe that always helps.
God will probably not tell you what to do but there is a little voice inside of you that will. Listen to that little voice and god will help you the rest of the way.
Again, I am sorry for you and I hope your situation gets better sooner than later.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
i understand your struggle about what to do - i too struggled - i look back now after 9 years and wonder what i could have done differently - i could have put my son out and that may have made a huge difference but then again who knows? - i do believe now that taking a real strong stand and sticking with it is a good thing to do - i am so sorry you are having to deal with this - take heart and continue to not only talk to God but listen to Him as well - study how He loves His people - that brought a lot of comfort to me - blessings - you and your son are in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Take the money off the table, here.
None of us can control other people and their choices. We can control ourselves.
It's your choice who you permit to live with you, or not.
We all know addiction is progressive. It's your choice whether or not you want to live with someone in active addiction and all the craziness that goes along with it, or not.
Your son is the master of his own life. It's his choices, not where he sleeps, that determines his outcome.
None of us can control other people and their choices. We can control ourselves.
It's your choice who you permit to live with you, or not.
We all know addiction is progressive. It's your choice whether or not you want to live with someone in active addiction and all the craziness that goes along with it, or not.
Your son is the master of his own life. It's his choices, not where he sleeps, that determines his outcome.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
((((Jo)))) I'm sorry to hear another precious child is losing his way!!! My A stepson is still "out there" and making often unwise choices in his life.
I have no words of wisdom, but perhaps you can sit down with him, explain calmly and clearly the "house rules", and let him know that you expect to be paid back for the money he stole/"borrowed". Then, he will be clear about what is acceptable and if he violates any of those boundaries.....follow through with the stated consequence.
Oh, man, I hate this disease.....it really hurts sometimes
I have no words of wisdom, but perhaps you can sit down with him, explain calmly and clearly the "house rules", and let him know that you expect to be paid back for the money he stole/"borrowed". Then, he will be clear about what is acceptable and if he violates any of those boundaries.....follow through with the stated consequence.
Oh, man, I hate this disease.....it really hurts sometimes
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I hear you all so well and I love you all for caring about me. I cried myself to sleep last night, boy, I felt like a small child again.
My son didnt come home last night, so I figure its guilt playing on his mind. I am a real thinker, so this morning I sat outside and starting thinking about things, all the stuff Ive been through with family. I think Im a good person and I care about them all, but honestly, Im tired of it and I just want to live the rest of my life peacefully. I think I deserve that much. But this is my son.
The tears came from loosing my dad & sister and Im so afraid I will loose my son. The fear of the unknown again....whether I could stand the pain again. Tears of fear for my son, what he is going through, why does he need to do this, why cant he please admit he needs help. (come to mum, you know). Selfish I know, but I am his mum and he knows I adore him and love him to bits. He knows he can come to me but Im worried that he wont because he has seen what I have been through b4 and doesnt want to hurt me. I know he doesnt have to come to me for help, I guess I just want to be there for him.
Ok Im blabbering now, you are right, its not about the money or where he sleeps, its about addiction. Because I have experienced this before, my mind gets twisted. The love pulling at my heart and the fear pulling at my head.
JJ
My son didnt come home last night, so I figure its guilt playing on his mind. I am a real thinker, so this morning I sat outside and starting thinking about things, all the stuff Ive been through with family. I think Im a good person and I care about them all, but honestly, Im tired of it and I just want to live the rest of my life peacefully. I think I deserve that much. But this is my son.
The tears came from loosing my dad & sister and Im so afraid I will loose my son. The fear of the unknown again....whether I could stand the pain again. Tears of fear for my son, what he is going through, why does he need to do this, why cant he please admit he needs help. (come to mum, you know). Selfish I know, but I am his mum and he knows I adore him and love him to bits. He knows he can come to me but Im worried that he wont because he has seen what I have been through b4 and doesnt want to hurt me. I know he doesnt have to come to me for help, I guess I just want to be there for him.
Ok Im blabbering now, you are right, its not about the money or where he sleeps, its about addiction. Because I have experienced this before, my mind gets twisted. The love pulling at my heart and the fear pulling at my head.
JJ
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Those dark times are the ones where I have to let go and just tell my HP...I really need you now; please help. I've never not seen an answer...it may not have been what I thought it would be or should be, but looking back, I realize my HP was there and with me. Prayers that you find peace and comfort (((Jo)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Jo)) - I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I agree...prayer has always helped me, and I have many "chat's with God". Some of them have been "I hurt, and I don't know what to do...a little help, please?" Like ((Greet)), I've never not gotten an answer, even if it wasn't what I thought I wanted, it was what I needed.
I know you want your son to talk to you, to listen, but sometimes we kids just can't do that. My dad went to his first al-anon meeting, the other night, and I was telling him of how deeply I'd sunk into codependency with my first XABF (attempted suicide, begging him to beat the **** out of me because it would heal faster than the emotional stuff) and my dad said "and you couldn't talk to me or your mom?"
I know that hurt him, but I was as sick, with my codie-ness, as I later was with my addiction. We KNOW, somewhere deep down, that our actions are hurting our parents, but I always thought I could handle it on my own.
Gratefully, I am very open with my all the family that I had shut out, now, but it took time and consequences to get me to where I wanted recovery, which includes sharing how I feel.
Sending lots and lots of hugs and prayers, your way.
Amy
I know you want your son to talk to you, to listen, but sometimes we kids just can't do that. My dad went to his first al-anon meeting, the other night, and I was telling him of how deeply I'd sunk into codependency with my first XABF (attempted suicide, begging him to beat the **** out of me because it would heal faster than the emotional stuff) and my dad said "and you couldn't talk to me or your mom?"
I know that hurt him, but I was as sick, with my codie-ness, as I later was with my addiction. We KNOW, somewhere deep down, that our actions are hurting our parents, but I always thought I could handle it on my own.
Gratefully, I am very open with my all the family that I had shut out, now, but it took time and consequences to get me to where I wanted recovery, which includes sharing how I feel.
Sending lots and lots of hugs and prayers, your way.
Amy
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
This is what I needed, hearing words from the people I adore here. Ta. It comforts me somewhat knowing you are near. (well along way away but you get my drift).
I still havent seen him but I know he is at his girlfriends place, so he is safe. I sent a text to his mobile saying "You know I love you and will support you to get help" When you are ready we can sit down and have a quiet chat.
I am going to do some more thinking, quietly and sensibly. I know I cant fix things for him, I just think he is in trouble, doesnt want me to know and isnt dealing with it. I understand Impurrfect that he might not want to talk to me. thats ok too. Thanks for the prayers Dee. Greets, ta, yes dark times, you feel alone and helpless, feel their pain, Im so sorry to hear you lost your son. Sometimes Im so tired from working and troubles, I want to crawl under a rock. The money thing is bothering me, it tells me he is desperate and out of control. Im sure Ill see him soon, so wish me luck ok.
JJ
I still havent seen him but I know he is at his girlfriends place, so he is safe. I sent a text to his mobile saying "You know I love you and will support you to get help" When you are ready we can sit down and have a quiet chat.
I am going to do some more thinking, quietly and sensibly. I know I cant fix things for him, I just think he is in trouble, doesnt want me to know and isnt dealing with it. I understand Impurrfect that he might not want to talk to me. thats ok too. Thanks for the prayers Dee. Greets, ta, yes dark times, you feel alone and helpless, feel their pain, Im so sorry to hear you lost your son. Sometimes Im so tired from working and troubles, I want to crawl under a rock. The money thing is bothering me, it tells me he is desperate and out of control. Im sure Ill see him soon, so wish me luck ok.
JJ
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Jo))))))
I understand the feeling. Someone here once talked about picturing her child wrapped in a huge blanket, protected by her HP and that this was a comforting thought. I found it so for me as well.. You've got my prayers.
I understand the feeling. Someone here once talked about picturing her child wrapped in a huge blanket, protected by her HP and that this was a comforting thought. I found it so for me as well.. You've got my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
jo
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with addiction once again in your life. Once is more than any one person should ever have to deal with.
The money......cash is tough.....there's no paper trail. There's no absolute proof of what happened. You've made it clear to him that you believe that he took it. Unless guilt overtakes him (don't hold your breath), he'll never admit it and you'll never see the money again. He knows the truth and he knows that you probably know--his only defense is denial. No reason to push for a confession that is unlikely to happen.
Talking to God. I've had my share of talks with God. Sometimes I've had to wait for quite a while before he finally answered me and I had to recognize the answer when it was presented. Sit quietly.
I understand how badly your mother's heart hurts.
gentle hugs
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with addiction once again in your life. Once is more than any one person should ever have to deal with.
The money......cash is tough.....there's no paper trail. There's no absolute proof of what happened. You've made it clear to him that you believe that he took it. Unless guilt overtakes him (don't hold your breath), he'll never admit it and you'll never see the money again. He knows the truth and he knows that you probably know--his only defense is denial. No reason to push for a confession that is unlikely to happen.
Talking to God. I've had my share of talks with God. Sometimes I've had to wait for quite a while before he finally answered me and I had to recognize the answer when it was presented. Sit quietly.
I understand how badly your mother's heart hurts.
gentle hugs
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