I hear you all so well and I love you all for caring about me. I cried myself to sleep last night, boy, I felt like a small child again.
My son didnt come home last night, so I figure its guilt playing on his mind. I am a real thinker, so this morning I sat outside and starting thinking about things, all the stuff Ive been through with family. I think Im a good person and I care about them all, but honestly, Im tired of it and I just want to live the rest of my life peacefully. I think I deserve that much. But this is my son.
The tears came from loosing my dad & sister and Im so afraid I will loose my son. The fear of the unknown again....whether I could stand the pain again. Tears of fear for my son, what he is going through, why does he need to do this, why cant he please admit he needs help. (come to mum, you know). Selfish I know, but I am his mum and he knows I adore him and love him to bits. He knows he can come to me but Im worried that he wont because he has seen what I have been through b4 and doesnt want to hurt me. I know he doesnt have to come to me for help, I guess I just want to be there for him.
Ok Im blabbering now, you are right, its not about the money or where he sleeps, its about addiction. Because I have experienced this before, my mind gets twisted. The love pulling at my heart and the fear pulling at my head.
JJ