daveycrockett

Amazon is awesome. When I get a little stronger maybe I'll try going for a walk. I did eat six yogurts, four slices of pizza, and I think four Ensures today. If I eat better the next few days hopefully I'll get more strength.

Astro

It sounds like your appetite is up, that should help your strength, and I agree that walks at night would be great to boost your metabolism.

Have you considered playing games online? I'm not a gamer but I understand that Fortnite (sic?) and Minecraft are very popular?

trailmix

Yes there are also a lot of games on facebook that are interactive. I've also heard that Minecraft can be a lot of fun to play, as astro mentioned.

Lots of interactive games that you can play with others and if you do get a chromecast you can cast the screen to your TV to make play better.

So glad to hear that you are able to up your eating, please keep us updated with how things are going.

trailmix

Hey Davey, just thought I would drop in and say hello and see if you are feeling any better? Did upping your eating help at all?

How are you doing now?

hopeful4

I too am just dropping in to say hello and see how you are doing??

trailmix

Hey Davey, haven't heard from you in a while and hope that you are feeling better and doing well.

daveycrockett

I just want to let you know that I still exist. I was unable to get online because I had to get a new phone. I knew my phone was going and I told my son but he wouldn't come by to take me to the store. I ordered one by using Alice's phone.

I'm not doing good at all. Last night I got that severe pain in my back again after eating chocolate chip cookies, last Sunday it was after eating tacos. I think it is related to eating and not eating. I didn't keep the cookies and the tacos down. I was deathly ill last night to the extent I thought about calling for help. I got up to change the DVD and I collapsed on the bed. It took me six hours to change the DVD.

The power was out here for two days this past weekend and I had to toss all my food again. I put an order in last night for delivery today but I cancelled it because I was afraid I couldn't walk to the door. I now have the delivery scheduled for tomorrow.

I have been eating four yogurts and four Ensures just about everyday and I have made a few pizzas. So far the pizzas haven't been bothering me. I ate four popsicles today. I'm very hungry and I'm gonna eat something, I might try to make a couple grilled cheese. I'm very afraid to eat because I don't want that pain and distress again.

I just spoke to my son and told him I want and need help and he ignored the subject. I'm so terrified of anything medical that I beyond any doubt would rather die. I know I'm dying and I'm honestly okay with that. I just want the misery I have live with for so long to end.



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Astro

Davey, if your son isn't responding to a request for help it might be a wise idea to use that phone to dial 911. You can receive help, but you've got to ask the appropriate parties.

daveycrockett

It is an extremely difficult if not impossible thing for me to do. If I had someone close to me that would be there for me it would help a lot. I know it is not rational but it is the mental illness doing this to me. I know that is what I should do. With anyone that has a fear it is difficult for them to face their greatest fear. The thing is I have a much greater fear of medical stuff than I do of death.

trailmix

I totally understand that actually.

Your fear is irrational. You know this, I know you know and I also know that your mind fights you on it.

Something like well maybe you KNOW it's irrational but that fear is too big to fight, impossible, it's impossible so why try because when you do try the fear will ALWAYS over-ride any rational ideas you have on the subject.

My advice? Go to your local GP. I know, I'm repeating myself. The fear of calling those 3 numbers is a fear of loss of control. This is why I recommend the GP over the other. Don't call your Son and say "I need help" tell him you need him to go with you to the Dr's office as soon as possible, tomorrow. There are clinics that are open late if he is working. If he can't go, take a taxi. You know, you can go to the Dr. office and leave at any time. Yep, you can just walk right out the door. It is not a prison.

You will need to explain your fears to the Doctor, that you can't call those three numbers, that it has taken you years to get this far, that you are basically agoraphobic and that you need help. Doctors are not evil, they are not out to trap you they go to school to learn how to help you.

Tell him/her you are unable to make appts for a battery of tests because you might not be able to leave the house on any given day. You need medication for your anxiety and depression. They can prescribe this for you.

It's a start. You then walk out of the office with prescriptions and you go home, you have taken a step toward help. When going to see the Dr keep in mind that in say, an hour, you can be right back on your sofa but you can breath a huge sigh of relief that you have taken a step forward.

Guener

Davey, we are not allowed to offer medical advice here other than to share our own experience. I have landed in the hospital with symptoms akin to yours, and I needed to be there: the pain in your back, inability to deal with food (or sometimes even water, for me), and I was *extremely* dehydrated to the point that they thought I had a history of diabetes. Your anxiety can be treated along with your physiological maladies. I know that you say that your medical fears override the possibility of death, but that can be overcome with proper attention, and you don't need to continue suffering.

daveycrockett

​I know you are totally correct that I should go to the GP or the walk in. When I spoke to my son he confirmed the fact he doesn't care. I even said how come no one cares if I'm dead or alive? He didn't answer. I just can't even begin to understand how people can be so frigid. He might give me a ride but I wouldn't bet on it. Just thinking about a taxi is causing panic plus I would be totally out of control and I couldn't walk that much. I can't even consider that at this time.

I have explained my fears to them many times and they don't really understand at all. They too are frigid. I might get a prescription if I went but more importantly they are going to try to make me do things. I'm not strong enough to give blood. That has always been a huge fear of mine. They could also possibly force me to get help.

Everything you say makes complete sense to me. My anxiety disease is what is in control. It causes all kinds of irrational thoughts and behavior.

The medical field and the people I went to contributed to my destruction. I have no faith in them. When I was 20 I was prescribed Propranolol and it caused a lifetime of heat intolerance. I was a landscaper for a couple years with no problems working in hot and humid weather. I went to the beach all day with no problems after a couple weeks on that drug I was unable to ever again tolerate heat.

I was prescribed a high does of Zoloft, I was started on 50 mg. and increased to 300 mg. I was always extremely responsible with my finances and my whole life. I was always a safe and responsible driver. I was OCD about paying all my bills as soon as they came in. After being on Zoloft for some months I went on all kinds of spending sprees. I was driving home from my son's one night and I went into the exit ramp doing a hundred. I wiped out and spun a few times and almost rolled the truck. I was suicidal and acting upon it. I also sat in the corner with the shotgun and came real close to ending it. There are suicide warnings on these drugs, just what a depressed suicidal person needs.

With any disease such as diabetes, or cancer they can see what's going on. With mental illness they can't see anything, it is all a huge gamble. People with mental illness are guinea pigs. And with some people antidepressants are claimed to help when in reality they do little for depression. There are countless articles and stories about manic behavior because of antidepressants. I resisted taking them until my Psychiatrist insisted. Proof they can either force you or not see you anymore. Not to mention my prescribed benzo addiction for twenty years. The medical and psychiatric fields have failed me for sure.

I tried to get help before I was this far gone. A friend drove me to Butler but because I wasn't suicidal they wouldn't do anything for me. I left without even a prescription. When I was committed back in 1990 eight guys came down in case I had to be restrained. One of them had a stun gun but he said it was a metal detector, I know a stun gun when I see it. A blatant lie. How do I put my trust in the people responsible for doing this to me?

daveycrockett

I hope you don't mind me asking but what was causing those symptoms? I totally realize that what is going on with me is possibly something different. I was dehydrated when I was drinking but I have been able to remain hydrated since I quit drinking. I'm also sure I have diabetes. I also realize diabetes could be responsible for at least some of my health issues. I'll say it again if I was given the help I needed when I was actively looking for help it would literally have saved my life. I knew and saw the downward spiral approaching. I actually begged them to help me, I was turned away.

daveycrockett

I did do a food order yesterday and I ordered a couple whole chickens for soup. I made the soup as soon as I got the food. I used a whole six pound chicken, onions, carrots, celery, and rice. It made three quarts, a thick soup. I ate a quart today a little at a time. I don't know why I didn't think to make soup because I used to make them often. Anyways this is good healthy comfort food. I'm already gonna order more chicken, it's on sale for 99 cents a pound.

When I find something I like and it's on sale I stock up. I have 10 pizza crust mixes, 12 cookie mixes, I bought sixty yogurts and more stuff too. That's why I had to toss six containers of ice cream, 18 bags of shredded cheese, 4 dozen eggs, 30 yogurts and so on. I'm sorry if I'm rambling but just trying to calm down. I guess this is hoarding food.

I hate being in my mind and just being me. That's at least a part of the reason I drank. I found a guy on CL selling weed and bought some, three times now. I knew what I was buying and it was some very good weed. I've had better but this is good. It also helps with the anxiety. Just a couple months ago I would have totally freaked out meeting a guy for weed. Then again it's something I really wanted.

trailmix

I totally get your distrust of the medical system, they have let you down. I have also read some of the information about anti-depressants and I think it's kind of a hit and miss proposition. I think it helps some and does absolutely nothing for others.

Mental health is a science but it's in its infancy. At least there is some help available though.

Do try to remember that they have made great strides in mental health in the last 10-20 years. 20 years ago it was barely spoken of and you certainly wouldn't tell anyone! Times have changed, Doctors are more aware.

Well, the fact that you are eating and eating well is terrific. I wish you could have some help for your other conditions but that's not to be right now. One other thing to think about is having a Doctor make a house call, just something to consider.

I think something else that has changed it that there is more empowerment for the client. Where as historically they were practically demi-gods, they are now much more just real people trying to help and the client does have a say.

But! In the meantime, you have still come a long way and are generally doing well and I'm glad to hear that.

daveycrockett

It is true they are so much more aware than just 20 years ago. I do have distrust for them but also realize I have no choice but to trust them. I actually have a few other stories about mistrust but I'll spare you the details.

I had a couple Ensures and yogurts and some more soup. I do feel much better than I did a couple days ago. I'll make another batch of cookies either tonight or tomorrow.

A house call would be a great thing for me. Any ideas who to contact? I'm gonna start looking for that online now. That is something I can and will do because I will have more control. I wonder if I can get a Social Worker to come by. Thanks for this train of thought. It gives me some hope.

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trailmix

I'm glad that sounds more comfortable to you. I'm not sure who you would call but there must be health advisory places to call in your area perhaps? Alternately you could just google Dr's that make house calls in <your city>.

I just did that search for my city and there are many and also several organizations that can put you in touch with one.

Let us know how that goes.

I also think contacting a social worker to make a house call is a great idea as well as they will be familiar with all the resources available to you.

Astro

A social worker is a great step to take Davey and I'm glad that you're feeling some hope. Please let us know how it goes.

daveycrockett

I didn't have much luck looking for someone who does house calls. I could only find one and I read where she charged a lady $50.00 and an additional $10.00 for her baby. She doesn't accept any health coverage. I I'll continue to look and maybe contact someone who can connect me with a Social Worker.

I ate pretty good the past couple days and I do feel stronger. I have no doubt that at least a part of what is going on is related to not eating regularly. When the power was out I got all screwed up again. Things like being without power really cause huge setbacks.

If I don't find a way to make a few bucks I'm gonna be in a jam again. If I could make even $50.00 a week that would help a lot. I'm still thinking of trying to make something to sell. If you have any ideas how to make a few bucks let me know.

Astro

There are ways to make money working out of the home, stuffing envelopes and doing light assembly work. You might want to check a local newspaper.