raul88

Jeni,
You should not be expected to be a 'mental health expert' to help your coworkers. My heart goes out to the poor girl with anorexia, but you are trying to sustain them and yourself emotionally -- that is way too much! Your two co-workers need a larger support system than just you, and you deserve some time to take care of yourself first.

courage2

Hi Jeni -- I can't believe I missed this thread so long.

My anxiety has gotten a lot worse since I stopped drinking, no surprise there since I drank out of anxiety. Drinking is no longer an option for me, so figuring out how to deal with the anxiety is kind of my project for the time being.

I do take meds -- a low dose of xanax (not every day) & anti-d's. I went a year sober last year without them and it was not tenable, for me.

Otherwise, I would say that I'm trying to increase time spent on things that relieve my anxiety, and decrease what raises my anxiety. I'm in AA, but the self-reflection of the steps makes me lose it. So does sharing at meetings. So for now, I just go and listen, and do a little service.

I'm trying to develop mental spaces that are peaceful, even beautiful. Like when I'm walking to work, which is always a bad time for the inner voices, I'm trying to make a mental monologue about the physical things I observe, to talk down the negative inner voice. It works pretty well just as a distraction, and sometimes it allows me to notice something outside myself that I would otherwise have missed.

Working is hard. I think it's good that you got some reduction in your load. I'm also seeking help on that front. I really recommend asking for help, whether it's from your boss, your husband, or your doctor -- or all three. The one thing I've learned in sobriety is that when I ask for help, it helps -- it's the things I don't ask for help about, that continue to fester and make me miserable.

Keep posting, there are a lot of us out here!

Jeni26

Thank you for such helpful replies.

Courage..I am also in AA, although I hesitate to write that because I rarely go to meetings these days. I was never one for the fellowship or the social aspect of AA, but I do sponsor and speak frequently to my sponsor, and incorporate the steps into my daily life. And it does help. I am still able to function and review my day. I can still respond to other alcoholics and reach out, and I try not to make everything about me. Maybe that's where I'm struggling a bit. Because this thread does seem really self-indulgent at times.

Raul...I do agree that some aspects of my job are way too much responsibility for me...but I think it's ME that's made it that way. I am not a trained counsellor or an expert in psychology but I seem to have become the go to person for a lot of people..and some of it is nothing to do with their professional duties. I think I need to redefine the boundaries and my job description. My boss relies heavily on me. My sponsor has really questioned the relationship between us, and I know that it is an unhealthy codependent one that I need to write an inventory about. I take on so much, then resent it. The martyr syndrome. I offered to take the lady with anorexia to the occupational health doctor, it wasn't expected of me...but it was a 100 mile round trip...and I ended up stressing about leaving work for so long in the middle of the day and not being available, then trying to manage her stress on the journey back. Again my sponsor would say I needed to stop managing all of it...and to stop making it about me..and that is true enough.

I guess I can manage work fine as long as everything else in my life ticks along nicely, which until I developed my own health issues and my dad became terminally ill, was exactly what was happening.

And now...despite having great support from you all, and a fantastic sponsor and AA group of friends...my anxiety is stopping me sleeping and eating. And it spirals quickly. Meditating and praying become more difficult...like I've lost the connection to my peaceful place and can't even remember where it was.

This will pass. I know that. I'm really wary of meds but I do have beta blockers from a while back.

Thanks for your kindness my friends xx

Shining~Again

Jeni - to me you are incredible cause you're able to do the type of things
to help yourself as best you can. Just look at how well you write here, how you
are able to articulate your emotions. You handled the forum technical problems
really well too. I saw a bunch of people make comments like they
thought they were banned or put on probation and they weren't having anxiety
issues right before it happened.

I have been feeling huge anxieties for a couple weeks that are coming out in
clenching my jaw so hard I'm in pain the next day. I'm sleeping terribly. I'm
so damned sick of the pressure in my chest from what my doctor and therapist
are saying is acute anxiety. (really? thanks for that! durrr)

Am totally winging it in my days..knowing I am
not going to break down but not being able to get rid of the overwhelmed feeling.

Everything that you're going through, and they're all emotionally taxing,
wound wear anyone down. You don't come across as self serving at all.
I find everything you're doing for others as being very un-selfish.

I admire people that can journal and/post about anxiety. I never could manage
that.

what LeTheVerte mentioned about head covering? I do that.
I love winter as I will wear a favortie knit hat that comes over my ears. It
settles me down for some reason. Weighted blankets help too. Ear plugs or headphones help me too. I have some sensory problems that can make
my normal dealable stuff go into orbit. Over the years I've picked a
lot of little things that help me.

My therapist and my doctor both think I need to get back into the health field
and work a normal job like I did "before."
Apparently me doing my own thing isn't enough and leaves my head unoccupied.
Even tho' I've argued with them that I am very happy with my life, my chronic
anxiety shows something else is needed to distract.

I think you need a break from work. To be with your dad and family, just like you said. To give the people at work a bit of time to make
other friends to commiserate with so not so much is on you.

I could type forever once I start but it'll just dissolve into babbling.

hugs and more hugs,
L

Luper

Jeni

You have so much going on...I wish I could help you. Anxiety is a nightmare.

I am glad you are getting help with your workload. I hope that you can find a way to learn that you do not have to be everyone's sounding board. You are a great person and I know you like to help others, but please take care of yourself. It can become very overwhelming.

Wishing you a peaceful day. You are not alone and know that you have my support along with everyone else here.

((hugs))

Jeni26

Ok...I woke up this morning and my iPad won't connect to the internet for some reason so I'm typing this on my phone. Not a good start.

I'm going to try things differently this morning. I'm going to talk to my boss first thing...give her a list of those things I'm finding hard to manage. They all involve dealing with other people and their issues. Maybe her and I can share some of them out.

I'm going to write a list of those things I'm behind on and ask for some time to do them..and that means stepping away from the day to day stuff for a while.

I've got to try and get away from the idea that this means I'm failing. I hate not being able to do this stuff. I'm wanting to go for a new job in the near future..does this mean I will now be considered useless and not get a good reference?

I really don't want to go in today and I'm tired of feeling as though someone's sitting on my chest. Walking through treacle.

Jeni26

Today went so much better. I told my boss how much I was struggling with managing others emotions. She understood and together we worked out a plan in which I would concentrate on the practical aspects of my job and leave the rest to her for this week. She found me another place in the school to work so that I wasn't constantly disturbed, and I got so much done.

I was home at 5 instead of 7, and I'm going to try and get home at a reasonable time every night.

She was very good but I'm aware this increased her workload so I won't be able to continue it for very long.

But it was a reprieve of sorts...and I'm thankful for it. I'm going to look at my diet too now and take little steps to move forward.

I'm just so tired all the time.

biminiblue

I think this is why so many middle management people change jobs frequently.

We start off with XXX as a job description. Then as time goes by, our higher ups start adding on more stuff for us to do, because someone has given them more stuff to do. At some point I know I always feel like - "WHOA! I can't do any more than I'm already doing, which parts can I not do?" It seems to be a curse of the workplace. There are not clearly delineated tasks, the tasks multiply (especially with computers, seems they have created endless documentation.)

Then in my case I end up looking for another job because the one I have has become such a huge burden and really unmanageable. They don't start off that way, it's just that more and more is added on over time. I don't know the answer - other than what you are doing. I too tend to feel like, "I need to be able to get this stuff done." ...and yet, there aren't enough hours in the day.

Verte

Hi Jeni,

Just a few words about defining personal boundaries:

By determining your personal boundaries at this time you are showing yourself and others true love and appreciation. Saying through boundaries that you love yourself enough to not 'crash and burn' or self-destruct, despite many elements feeling overwhelming, is a way to help others around you understand that you find yourself in understandably challenging times. Being here and present for others does not mean 'doing everything' for others at your expense. If you are overextended in life then the people in your life get 'fumes' of your true self...horribly anxiety inducing in my experience.

By defining our own boundaries and limits, you give people around you permission to do the same while at the same time preventing them from being defined and crossed for you.

Do not lose sight of the reality that these boundaries may be temporary prevention of crashing and burning for yourself and may be just for where you find yourself right now, at this moment in life. This does NOT in any way signal lack of capacity or lack of ability or promotion at work worthiness.

Defining boundaries gives people around you the chance to support you in a meaningful way and feel good about it. It also gives people a chance to be held accountable if they willingly choose to step over. Also allows you the opportunity to walk away from potentially exhausting emotional experiences...or toe the boundary as you feel stronger.

I'm not a mental health professional either but I do have a lot of experience with people who could not verbalize what they needed, thereby implicitly expecting me to pick up their slack because someone had to do it. The best way I could find forgiveness in this lifetime while keeping those people in my life was to set boundaries for self preservation and expect them to do the same or 'stay out'. The whole deal gets much easier with repetition and just naturally spills out to all areas of life. Thus the love and help I receive comes from a true place and feels true as well.

Hope this makes some sense and helps a little during this time.

It's a little like saying to Atlas. Hey you! How about a nice shrug for a second?!?

Hope your heart is OK today, Jeni. Hang in there. This will pass with flying colors.

Jeni26

LTV....setting boundaries is something I struggle with a lot. I also have this desire to please, to be liked, well thought of. It means I set myself very high standards in the workplace and endeavour never to be criticised. I can never work out if my ego is too big and needs to be knocked down or if I suffer from a complete lack of self-esteem.

I told my boss today that I felt like I have made many mistakes in my interactions with others. I do not empower them to make their own decisions...I seem to foster a dependence on me and then I can't manage when they are unable to do anything without my input.. It's poor management.

I just replay some scenario from my childhood and it goes round in a loop.

I can see where my faults lie but it's hard to turn it around. I'm not really sure who I am any more...and this crushing anxiety makes it hard to see things rationally.

I am going to take each day as it comes and just take my foot off the accelerator for a while.

Verte

Major hugs to you Jeni.

My perspective as an outsider is that you neither need to be knocked down nor lack self-esteem. You are struggling with 'something' right now. The anxiety you are experiencing is letting you know this. Both options above are extremes...ironically, one would definitely help with the other wouldn't it? For the short term at least.

It appears as if you are struggling with a longer term solution to feeling better in general. This can be come by one day at a time without any extremes. Just like kicking out alcohol from our lives, right? Right now managing work effectively as a daily priority while still maintaining a long term perspective is a great goal. You just have a few weeks left, right?

Not to trigger but have you made it through the BBQ yet? I would be willing to wager that this is an enormous source of your current anxiety as it would be for anyone...especially if managing other peoples' unforeseen emotions historically came with the whole deal.

Please do not feel pressure to write about any of this if it feels uncomfortable.

I'll just write another story for perspective:

I hate leftovers. My entire life I avoid leftovers but rarely the guilt associated with leftovers. Who turns down leftovers? Who would not want to eat X, Y, or Z just because it occurred one day after the 'real' thing? Often times I would let prized leftovers sit in my refrigerator a day too long and then guiltily throw them away. Ugh. A source of anxiety, almost always. Feel bad for accepting them, making them, letting them sit there and then ultimately chucking them.

Sounds ridiculous and wasteful of head space, right?

Well, last summer I met a new friend. While I was cooking dinner one night, she popped over unexpectedly with her son and I offered them a meal at our table.

"I would not want to impose ourselves upon you guys", she said.

"Honestly, I hate leftovers. And we are gearing up to have some leftovers", I replied.

"My Dad does too. I think it is because he grew up in a big family where they always had to eat leftovers", she replied.

AHA! We talked about it and laughed. She hit the nail on the head. Up until then I could never figure it out. Sometimes what is just has to be what is...and we eventually figure things out somehow. In the scheme of things...the big and the small. Needless to say, I try harder now to not accept or make anything that will require sitting in my refrigerator.

More giant hugs to you, Jeni. We are all there in our own ways at times. It can be a gift to share it, albeit with our boundaries in place

Jeni26

I made it through the BBQ relatively unscathed. My sister drank 2 bottles of wine and became difficult but there were enough people there who were sober and it was pretty uneventful by my family's standards! I was proud of my H who spent the afternoon with his heavily drinking brother and closest friend and who didn't touch a drop. I'm always amazed at his strength at these times (he is also an alcoholic, who has been sober as long as me).

No, I think if I had to list my biggest stresses, they would be my Dad's illness...my illness (as yet undiagnosed, hospital appt next week)..the fact that I'm going to undergo some big changes in the next few months-job, daughter leaving home etc... I can not cope with work on top of those things. My Fathers illness has triggered memories of my grandparents deaths and they were devastating to me. I have a diagnosis of PTSD and it doesn't take much to unsettle me.

3 weeks left at work.... I can do this.

zanzibar

Hi Jeni.
I haven't been myself much lately so forgive me if I'm way off base here. But back to your original post in this thread.
I don't think it's so much that others have sorted themselves out. Folks begin drinking for many reasons. Some due to overdrinking, some due to how life was so the action and addiction essentially followed them. And many of us drank in order to drown demons inside of us.
For those of us who have the deep seeded demons when the alcoholism is addressed, lo and behold those horrible demons are still with us. Now unfortunately those demons have to be dealt with as well.
I've been sober a long time, but I so understand the feeling when a seemingly unending number of demons are trying to break down the door.

I don't have any great answers for you Jeni. I just wanted you to know that you are moving forward, but I understand how it feels to you that you're not.
I'm glad to read you got through the BBQ unscathed.

kittycat3

Hi jeni, glad to come to the end of this thread on an upward note! You can do this.
I'm here for you. Take care of yourself, and you have already taken some solid baby steps in the right direction. Keep moving forward! Hugs.

Jeni26

Thanks guys.

Zanzibar...good to 'see' you, and I'm sorry you haven't been yourself. Yes, I do have those demons but they have mostly been quiet. Maybe a run of stress just rattled their cages? I think they will always be a part of me despite the counselling I've had. Don't know.

Anyway today I've got a plan of the things I need to work on and somewhere to keep out of the way. I'm going to ask for some time to work at home too.

Long term I want to have a talk with my boss about re-defining my job as it has just become too big. But I need to keep things simple today.

Love to you Kitty xx

raul88

Jeni,

it is quite normal to feel so stressed and anxious considering all the things in your life (especially your father's illness). I would be a mess!

zanzibar

Big or small, A plan is good!

I'm going to crawl back into my metaphoric cave now and lick my wounds.

All the best Jeni.,

Jeni26

Try not to isolate. There's a lot of us who care. You helped me very much in the past when I was struggling big time with some deep rooted stuff.

Thank you for that. I will be here for you too. <3 x

MidnightBlue

Hi, Jeni)

I popped in to say hi and give you a hug)

I am so with you about making a plan. When anxiety hits it's so imprtant to get something to stick to and get through this stormy time.

My best to you, my friend)

Jeni26

The past couple of days have been a bit easier. I spoke to my boss and literally gave her a list of all those things that are stressing me to the point of feeling not being able to go in. She has taken some of them off me and I have worked on practical things like staffing and time tabling. It has helped a lot. My heart isn't racing so much and I'm sleeping better. Such a simple thing to do...ask for help.

My Dad has had another scan to see if the cancer has spread to his spine. We haven't heard yet. It's weird but I speak to him a lot now. My whole relationship with him feels different. And different is unsettling.

Only a few weeks to go until the schools finish. I am really needing to have a break now. I'm so tired everything feels heavy.

Love to Dee. I hope you get your accommodation sorted soon. Tough times x