HeadLump

So pleased things are a little easier, Jeni Never underestimate the magnitude of your achievement - going through all this sober and fag-free too! I sure as hell am proud of you

zanabanana

I think I need to go on anxiety medicine. I can't breathe very well anymore. I was on it a long time ago, and now I'm off it. I just don't feel like anything works. I try not to worry, and I pray for God to take my fears and worries away but I still worry. Ugh. I wish I could just switch my brain off. That would be so lovely.

Jeni26

Oh I'm sorry to have missed your post zanabanana..how are you feeling now? Did you get to see a doctor?

I'm feeling sad today. Not so anxious as I'm off on school holidays so that relentless juggling of everything has stopped. Just sad. Nothing much has changed. Dad is at home. He had 5 shots of radiotherapy which didn't have any effect as far as I could see and his treatment has now finished. This phase seems like torture.

The worst part is that he is mentally very confused. We are not sure if the cancer has spread to his brain or his bones as he is too unwell to get to the hospital now and I guess it doesn't really matter anyway.

The thing is, our relationship had been growing. He had been really sweet and vulnerable and I really had let go of the past. But now his mental state has caused old behaviours of his to re-emerge. I had made my amends to him for my part in the estrangement between us and we had shared an honest moment a few months ago when he apologised to me for the past. But now...now he is accusing me of never seeing him. He forgets I go most days now. I do lots for him and my Mum who isn't coping well. He is nasty to me..saying hurtful things which are weighing on me, though I know they shouldn't.

I'm close to my sponsor and have good support from my friends but somehow this feels a lonely walk.

Astro

I know this is hard, Jeni, and I know how alone it can make us feel.

I put my father into assisted living 8 months ago, he has dementia. He doesn't remember when I visit, and he often tells me he thought I was in an accident and had my legs amputated He's usually very angry and he vents it at me because he feels I'm the reason he's there.

My brothers want nothing to do with him and they don't help or visit.

Please know you're not alone

Jeni26

Thank you so much Astro. He isn't like it with my sister, and my brothers are nowhere to be seen. He seems to have really got it in for me, and the past little window where we had reached a place of forgiveness and understanding seems to have closed.

Dee74

I'm sorry Jeni.

My own grandmother stopped being my grandmother for several years before she died due to dementia. I'm just glad we were on good terms when she was still herself.

Try and remember - your dad's ill - just because he says it doesn't make it true

D

Jeni26

Thank you Dee. I'm off to talk with the nursing specialist from the hospice this morning as we have some concerns for his safety. He is very unsteady on his feet but still managed to make it out the front door the other day!

I just feel a bit cheated that after the difficult stuff I had in my childhood, we had finally reached a place of fairly easy interaction between us, and that has now been taken away. I wanted it for me and for him for a bit longer...

But I will do what I can, take each day as it comes and try not to project. You never know, he might be back to half liking me today. It would be better than some of the hurtful and unrepeatable things he has said anyway.

Thank God I'm sober.

Astro

I still experience moments of kindness and happiness with my father, and try to make the best of them. There are times too when I need to distance myself and not visit for my own good, it saves my sanity a little.

And yeah, I like going to Happy Hour at the facility to enjoy a few sodas while he freaks out about not getting enough vodka. Thank God for recovery.

zanabanana

Jeni26, by the way, I love your signature quote. Very inspiring to me as someone who is still in the early stages of sobriety.

Not feeling so anxious today. Just happy I woke up, and have the energy to get things done.

Also, Jeni26 and everyone else who are having hard times in this thread. I can kind of relate because the only grandma I have left alive is dying. This year she started seeing a hospice nurse who visits her every day. There's a lot more to get into with that because my grandma is a stubborn woman. She wasn't exactly the best mom to my mom and her siblings. However, she's making up for it in the grandma and great-grandma years. It's very sad, and I do my best as her youngest grandchild to call her every day to see how she's doing. The time will be soon when she won't be with us anymore but that's life. And she's lived a good life. She practically raised four kids on her own. She's a tough woman and won't go down without a fight that's for sure.

Thank you for sharing everyone.

Spinach

Jen, So glad youve had some time with your Dad, and glad too that you have been able to do it, all that work you have done for you has made the difference.
It's difficult to see someone in the final phase of life as things change and the disease like so many other illnesses become the thing you see and hear.
Love John.

Jeni26

Thank you everyone. I'm not as strong as you all think I am or as much as I thought I was. Yesterday was really difficult.

I came the closest to drinking than I have throughout the past 2 years. I've barely slept and I've got a huge headache.

But I'm sober, and today is a new day.

Spinach

Jen, this is time to have belief in you. You have all the tools and know that a drink will do nothing but destroy so much. When we were in a similar position we got through the hardest times with the strange honesty that "it wouldn't last for ever".
Thinking of you.
Love John.

Dee74

Noone expects you to be superhuman. And not drinking is still a victory whether it's by miles or inches....

please do reach out tho Jeni - I get the sense you're probably not thinking of yourself much right now and I think that could be a mistake.

Find, and get support, and use it. You don't have to deal with this alone.

D