Jeni26

I'm not sure where to post any more. I used to tell my old crowd in May 2012 everything, but they no longer exist. I'm not a newcomer. I don't feel this is a problem that AA can help me with. Everyone in the Year and Overs thread are sorted and doing just fine. I don't want to drink so I guess this isn't a sobriety issue and I shouldn't be posting on this site at all. I don't want to give the message to people just starting out on the Alcoholism forum that sobriety isn't worth it because it is. SO worth it. I love the things that my new sober life has brought me.

But, I'm back to feeling anxious. Not just a bit, but throwing up in the middle of the night anxious. I feel like crying all the time. There's a lot going on for me right now. I am so good at putting on my cheerful act, but I'm struggling big time. I'm so aware that depression keeps knocking on my door and I'm frightened of the dark getting me again when I've been given a life now that's so good.

And i know there are people with much bigger problems than me. I've got a lot going for me and it all feels so self-pitying and ridiculous to be feeling like this.

But panic and flashbacks and insomnia are back. And I don't know what to do.

Dee74

Firstly I think the idea that everyone else is sorted and is doing fine is not actually true

I also think the idea that we're sober so everything else should be fine is also a thing that makes a lot of us unnecessarily unhappy.

and lastly - noones problems are bigger than anothers. Something that wakes you up in the middle of the night is a problem


I'm suffering the same thing. :


There's no real reason for it, although I can see a couple of things might have kicked it off.

I'm going to see my Dr next week and see what they suggest.

and that's about the extent of my advice to you right now Jeni....

but please - don't feel that this isn't an important issue or it's something you should hide or be ashamed of.

D

Jeni26

Thank you Dee

MidnightBlue

Jeni, my dear friend, I am so with you on this issue

And I feel just the same - like everybody's life is somehow is sorted out, while mine is just worthless pointless mess. Mostly.

I second you that sobriety is SO WORTH it. But I am still struggling big time with anxiety about every small every day issue. After I started meds, it became somewhat better, but still far from peace of mind and taking issues as situations.

So, I wish I could give you some good advice, but I don't have any.

All I can offer is a big hug and my support.

Let's fight this together, my friend)

Love to you.

kepeb30

I have theses feelings, have for a long time. I'm not offering medical advice but I do suggest you see a doctor and ask them. I was a basket case until I started asking my doc for help.

alphaomega

Argh !! Some of my most favoritest people on here (and in the world) are battling crippling anxiety just like me ?!?!

Harumph !!!

It's been a hell of a Mercury in Retrograde.

Thinking and praying for each and everyone of you.

Let's bear down together.

XO AO

DoubleDragons

I hear you, Jeni. I feel the group that I got sober with are either sober and happy and moving on, or others weren't ready to get sober and just dropped off. I am very happy to be sober almost nine months but I feel like I am just beginning to sort out my emotional sobriety and it is hard! I feel like no one really gets it or gets me but like in all lives, other factors could be working on me. My eldest child is going to college in the fall, I am probably hormonal being a middle aged woman, etc. I have night time panic attack s that are very scary for me and my family. I hadn't had one in so long which I thought was related to me getting sober, but then two nights ago I had one. I don't have any good advice. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Xo

neferkamichael

Jeni26, I'm no longer comfortably numb either. I'm probably more anxious than I was when I was using. For me it's one step forward and back to go most of the time, and I'm beginning to notice that the back to go has moved forward just a little bit in the positive direction every time. Every now and then I'm the windshield, but most of the time I'm the bug. I'm plagued with the expectation of instant satisfaction, but I'm working on it. Rootin for ya.

raul88

I am also dealing with anxiety right now. I can be fine for months, and then have crippling, constant anxiety for over a week before it finally subsides. I think the trigger for me might be lack of sleep and stress.

I keep asking myself "what is going on in my head? what is wrong with me?" At times I think it feels so awful, it has to be more than just a panic attack, but the pounding in my chest, the shortness of breath, the numb arms, the sweat around my neck reminds me that it's just the same ol' anxiety that eats away at me again.

I know it is not for everybody, but reading the bible, and the "read for inspiration" thread on here has become my "safe place." It is where I go to when I am suffering anxiety. It offers a bit of hope that there is more to this world than what we can see and touch, something that transcends the scary thoughts my mind is pulling out of nowhere. Nothing can take away the horrible bewildered feeling of impending doom, but I keep reading until I can catch my breath.

Jeni26

Thank you my friends. I had a difficult day yesterday and ended up sitting in the car after work crying and contacting my sponsor. We skyped last night and I felt better for a while, but I had another bad night and now I'm having pains in my chest this morning.

I'm going to take today for me...go get my hair cut, sit in the garden and chat to my kids if they're around. I think I just need quiet and for things to be still for a while. I need to collect my thoughts I think. I'm having random memories of things that happened a long while ago and just tripping over myself. My sponsor told me that my life is stressful right now, that anyone would find it so, there's a lot going on. But to remind myself that I am doing it..every time I told her I didn't think I could cope, she replied 'but you ARE coping..and you are doing it sober'

I am going to write it all out today..a resentment and fear inventory..then I'm going to share it with her. That's the AA way, and although I told myself this is nothing to do with sobriety..those are the things that will lead me back to a drink unless I face them.

So...I will be kind to myself today and every time that anxiety gets a grip and stops me in my tracks, I will try and remind myself that it will pass. And I will try and eat.

Thank you for your care and concern. Love to you x

Mags1

Hi Jeni, I'm told it's the longest day today, Saturday, in the uk, gives you a good long day to relax, gather your thoughts, regroup.

Isn't it amazing that we or me anyways thought everything would be sweetness and light and would just fall into place when I stopped drinking. Who am I kidding. Now I get to be grown up and don't run to the bottle, which made it harder by the way, but as I was blotto most of the time or thinking of my next drink I didn't have to think of real life.

So here it is, life with all it's warts but also with all it's pleasures for us to enjoy. It's the only life we've got, as far as we know, let's embrace it, cherish it and those around us.

I hope you will be feeling better soon and have a big bowl of ice cream, mmmmm.

Love and hugs Mags xxxxxx

Gottalife

Hi Jen,

Sorry things are so difficult for you at present. I understand this is a tricky area. We know that anxiety and depression are part and parcel of untreated alcoholism, but equally, in some cases, they can be crippling illnesses on their own account. The cause isn't always obvious which means in turn, that the solution is not easy to find.

Possibly a solution will be found through rigourous honesty with a professional experienced in both addiction and mental illness. But, as I'm sure you know, many an alcoholic who was less than honest, ended up with another addiction to deal with. In my experience it pays to be honest and also cautious about chemical solutions.

I wanted to introduce an AA angle here. Constant self examination is not always the AA way. The book warns we must be careful not to drift into morbid reflection because it reduces our usefulness to others. If we are always looking inwards, we will alwyas find something to worry about.

On page 14, Ebby is telling Bill "faith without works is dead'. He then expresses the sentiment that life will throw some crap at all of us in the future and our survival will depend on our spiritual condition, which is maintained by self sacrifice and service to others, working with others.

Later, when Bill is sober and before he met Bob, he had trouble with resentment and self pity to such an extent that it almost sent him back to the bottle. He found a sure solution. Heading to the hospital, he found working with another alcoholic always saved the day.

That principle still holds good today. To stay permanently sober (by sober I mean happily sober) we need to be working with alcoholics. My experience, when we stop looking inwards and start reaching out and sponsoring others, is that recovery becomes the joyful experience it should be. And we can feel ok inside when all around us is falling apart.

Perhaps I've missed something and you are already sponsoring. But if not, from what I have seen of you on this site, I am convinced you have a great deal to offer.

Jeni26

Thank you Mike. I do sponsor and work with others, and it does help me. I could probably do more, go to more meetings, reach out etc but I am overwhelmed with work at the moment. I work 12 hours a day in a stressful environment. One of my work team is seriously ill with anorexia and I arranged for a counsellor to come and talk to us all and help us manage our own fears. It was an extremely moving session and we have some real worries whether she will make it. I'm taking her to see an occupational health doctor next week. I have had very difficult meetings at work and had to deal with hostility and anger which I'm not great at.My Dad is very ill with cancer and I am not in great shape physically and due to see a specialist in a few weeks myself. I have just got so much stuff being chucked at me in a short space of time that I am not standing up as strong as I should be.

I do take your point about helping others and not getting lost in morbid reflection because I know from experience they are true for me. I do overthink and get lost in my head.

But I do need to write some stuff down and share it because I'm drowning right now.

Jeni26

And love and hugs to those who shared their own struggles. I don't know why, but when I'm feeling like I'm about to fall off a cliff it helps to know others are standing on the edge with me.

Gottalife

Jen,
You've certainly got a lot on. I found myself in a similar spot a few years back when my wife was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and right at the same time I had a major battle going on with my business.

I think my faith got me through each day, way way back I heard this saying that God never sends us more than we can handle for one day, and I hung on to that.

I suppose the amazing thing to me, when I looked back, was that I saw I had reacted sanely and normally to the situations, doing my part sober. I had a daughter aged eleven and a son aged fifteen, and we had to cope with their mum's suffering for the best part of two years. Sometimes the treatment seemed worse than the cure.

It was miraculous that through this period it never occurred to me to pick up a drink. A year or two later, when I saw Ebby's advice to Bill, I understood why that was.

It seems I had things in balance. With everything that's going on for you, the last thing I would suggest is even more AA. What I had been doing was to put my wife and family first, along with my business, which kept us all clothed and fed.

I also needed rest myself. In between all those things, I found the time to be at one regular meeting a week, my home group, and perhaps another when time permitted. I also was sponsoring two guys. Mine was a modest effort, not super human, but that is all that is asked of us.

I have been around AA for a while, faced some tough situations myself and seen others go through the wringer too. The great fact for me in all this,because I've seen it so many times, is that alcoholics of my and your type who, even in adversity, don't forget their still suffering brothers and sisters, can and do survive these trials and low spots. Not only that but we come out stronger than before, with even more faith that no matter what happens, it will be ok. As Bob said "Your Heavenly Father will never let you down."

I want to be careful not to suggest AA has all the answers. Dealing with some of life's problems for the first time brought out strong feelings and emotions, some of which were quite frightening I their intensity. At times I wondered if I was cracking up, or if I should be feeling such strong emotions. My AA buddies couldn't help me with that. I spent some time both with a psychologist and a grief counsellor, and discovered, to my amazement, that I was reacting to the situation very much as "normal" people do.

The tenth step promises were true. Put in the same situation as you now find yourself, even the earth people would find it difficult to cope. We are blessed to have a faith that works.

Prayers and hugs to you Jen.

God bless
Mike.

Verte

Jeni,

Just now as I should be sleeping I came across your thread. I'm newish here on SR and am not sure of your experience with life and sobriety. But sounds like you are dealing with some intensely emotional life experiences. Please accept my huge bear hugs One year ago I found myself overwhelmed with certain realizations, life changes and experiences...new and unanticipated emotions and anxieties that I could not suss for the life of me.

I found myself sitting in a trusted physicians office, starting to cry and not being able to stop. She helped me find some great support resources which helped me to not feel isolated and alone at that time. Not feeling alone made all the difference. So Jeni, we do not know each other but I gladly extend my support and hugs during this time and remind you that you are not alone

raul88

In the book "From Panic to Power," the author, Lucinda Bassett, recalls a conversation in the aftermath of the death of her sister (which followed the death of her father and her brother). Lucinda tells her minister "the little things I was afraid of, it all seems to petty now. I guess if it can't kill you, it can't really hurt you." Her minister replies: "Lucinda, even if it can kill you, it can't hurt you."

She also mentions a friend with terminal cancer named Jackie: "..her mind and her heart are open, and she keeps trusting everyone, her friends, her doctors, and God... she might have lost sleep or lost her appetite... but she believes with all her heart that she is going to be okay. She believes with all her soul that she has total support and love around her.. hers isn't a physical strength; she can't lift weights or run a marathon. Her strength is spiritual."

That is what trust is, unconditional faith. "Trust is a melting, a giving up control, it's knowing you will come out all right in the end, no matter how it looks while it's moving along [and regardless of the outcome].

Jeni, visualize yourself surrounded by love and support, and trust that it will be there without fail.

Jeni26

Thankyou thankyou thankyou...this thread is becoming so important to me. I worried about having nowhere to post this stuff any more. And I guess my ego is still alive and kicking because I feel I can't share it with people who actually know me because they see me as this strong calm in control person. People rely on me. Ugh I must share that with my sponsor she would call me out on that BS.

Yesterday I had a long conversation with my Dad. A bit of background...he was a violent alcoholic as I was growing up and there were many times I wanted him to die and leave us in peace. So, I have worked on this. I see him and my Mum. I know they have their own issues which were nothing to do with me. I have had honest conversations with him and he has apologised for the past. I'm still a little scared of him I guess though I've no reason to be now. Yesterday he confirmed to me that his cancer is inoperable. He is seeing the consultant next week to talk about time scales if he accepts some chemo and radiotherapy. That will give him some more time but won't cure him. He spoke about his reluctance to go into more treatment as he's already battled this before and he knows how ill the chemo makes him. He talked about arranging his own funeral. He asked about my kids. He was so matter of fact and strong and there wasn't an ounce of self-pity. And I felt guilt because I had wanted him to die many many times and I felt a bit of admiration for the way he is now. And I felt sadness. I had to explain the situation to my kids and my daughter cried and then I cried to see her upset. My kids love him. He's never been angry to them or hurt them. I protected them from all that. So they just see the mad old Grandad who says stupid things when he's drinking. And they will grieve for him. And I guess that's the way the universe planned it.

So yesterday I did very little. I pottered about and cleaned my house and caught up with my ironing. I put off writing my inventory. I felt completely wiped out from all the stress going around. I discovered I lost 7 lbs last week and I tried to eat a bit. And I tried not to worry about my own health and silence the 'what ifs'

Today I've got to write a report for a meeting at work which is one of my big stresses and I can feel the anxiety building. I feel really frustrated with myself that I'm not managing all this better. I'm a coper. I've come through other stuff and now I'm sober I should be walking with confidence through all this. Instead I'm thinking of how my Mum will manage that big house on her own and what will happen to my alkie drug taking brother who lives with them. He will take advantage of her when she's on her own. Maybe this is my first majorly stressful situation I haven't self medicated over.

Ok deep breaths. I'm trying not to cry over everything like a complete baby.

Oh and yesterday I discovered that one of my strongest on-line sobriety supports has relapsed after 24 years...that floored me.

And now I'm thinking how horribly self seeking I am to be making all this tragedy about me and I need to just pull up my socks, hold my head up and walk through it. Why can't i do that?

Dee74

It's not at all self seeking and you're not making this all about you.

This is a thread for you to vent Jeni - to let off steam...It's healthy not self indulgent
I think you need to tell that negative self talk to 'talk to the hand'

As for work, can you delegate some stuff there or get a hand?

It's not weak or selfish or lazy for you to ask for help, either

Your father is battling a terminal disease...even if your feelings about him are ambivalent, this is obviously a life changing event you're struggling to deal with.

We all would.

Go easy on yourself Jeni - you don't have to solve or fix everything. It's ok to not know what to do next some days and it's more than ok to cry, I reckon.

D

Jeni26

Thank you Dee. And are you doing ok?

I think I might go for a walk today. Once I've finished my paperwork I will head off to one of my favourite places... H is working. The kids will be busy. And I need to go find something beautiful to look at and to remind myself I'm just a tiny speck in the world.