Return of anxiety
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Well I've phoned in sick today. I don't do that and it really bothers me to do it probably because it reminds me of when I was drinking and I was hungover some mornings.
But I know I'm run down and pretty much exhausted. I've got mouth ulcers and stomach cramps and an upset tum. And my body aches.
Mentally I seem to be doing better and that's weird. I'm not so anxious...but physically I've pretty much had it.
But I know I'm run down and pretty much exhausted. I've got mouth ulcers and stomach cramps and an upset tum. And my body aches.
Mentally I seem to be doing better and that's weird. I'm not so anxious...but physically I've pretty much had it.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I will be ok Dee. I'm going to take today to do some quiet reflection and meditation and try and cut out the chatter in my head.
Time to slow down the pace a bit I think. My physical symptoms might actually be unrelated to my stress and I've a hospital appt next week.
We will see, and I'm sure it will work itself out. These things always do one way or another.
Thank you all for your support <3 x
Time to slow down the pace a bit I think. My physical symptoms might actually be unrelated to my stress and I've a hospital appt next week.
We will see, and I'm sure it will work itself out. These things always do one way or another.
Thank you all for your support <3 x
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 609
thank you
I believe I wrote you last Sunday. I was in the midst of the crushing chest pressure and very panicky. I had been feeling like that for 2 weeks.
...you mentioned beta blocker.
Granted, it took my brain a bit to grasp ahold.
Long story short - I'd stopped taking my beta blocker (been on it for 7 years) 3 weeks prior, cold turkey. Not recommended but my doctor said since I'd been without it for a week (had misplaced bottle) we'd just switch me to a differnt blood pressure med that would suite me better.
I was going to send a PM but thought possibly it may help someone down the road.
While I know side effects can happen when stopping nearly any medication, I did a brain splat on this one. Could of made my life a lot easier had I not continued to just assume it was me living in a 24/7 fight of flight mode and/or I needed to use my inhalers 24/7.
Can't blame my doc - she did warn me that I might feel jittery and anxious for a while after stopping. I just had no clue on how bad physically that would feel.
thank you so much...I also am hoping you have a peaceful and fun looooong weekend.
...you mentioned beta blocker.
Granted, it took my brain a bit to grasp ahold.
Long story short - I'd stopped taking my beta blocker (been on it for 7 years) 3 weeks prior, cold turkey. Not recommended but my doctor said since I'd been without it for a week (had misplaced bottle) we'd just switch me to a differnt blood pressure med that would suite me better.
I was going to send a PM but thought possibly it may help someone down the road.
While I know side effects can happen when stopping nearly any medication, I did a brain splat on this one. Could of made my life a lot easier had I not continued to just assume it was me living in a 24/7 fight of flight mode and/or I needed to use my inhalers 24/7.
Can't blame my doc - she did warn me that I might feel jittery and anxious for a while after stopping. I just had no clue on how bad physically that would feel.
thank you so much...I also am hoping you have a peaceful and fun looooong weekend.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thank you for all your love and support. My Dad has now developed bronchitis and will probably be admitted to hospital. It's unlikely he will be well enough for his radiotherapy treatment.
I had written a long post about it all and all my worries for my Mum and how she will manage etc but I deleted it.
It all sounded horribly attention seeking. I feel ashamed of not managing all this better than I am.
Sobriety is hard sometimes but I guess that's the way it is. We get the great times, we must walk through the difficult bits.
Thanks for your care all x
I had written a long post about it all and all my worries for my Mum and how she will manage etc but I deleted it.
It all sounded horribly attention seeking. I feel ashamed of not managing all this better than I am.
Sobriety is hard sometimes but I guess that's the way it is. We get the great times, we must walk through the difficult bits.
Thanks for your care all x
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,476
I think sometimes we can be impossibly hard on ourselves
Apart from maybe yourself, noone expects you to handle this any better than you are - this is one of those life moments that nothing can prepare you for, Jeni.
It's not self serving or attention seeking to look for and ask for help. Honestly
You deserve as much love and attention and support as anyone else.
We're all here for you.
Apart from maybe yourself, noone expects you to handle this any better than you are - this is one of those life moments that nothing can prepare you for, Jeni.
It's not self serving or attention seeking to look for and ask for help. Honestly
You deserve as much love and attention and support as anyone else.
We're all here for you.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi Jeni,
There is nothing to be ashamed of in anything you may write or seek clarity for in doing so.
I've found repeatedly on SR that just the act of writing out emotions seems to offer catharsis and takes a load off. But it can be challenging to write out our greatest vulnerabilities for scrutiny and consideration from others. It is courageous and not attention seeking IMHO to write and say 'Here I am. This is me right at this moment'. Chances are pretty high that you will have figured out quite a bit by the time you reach the end of your post simply through sorting emotions enough to express them clearly for others to read. Please do not forget that this is your thread for you to receive willingly offered support during this trying time in which you find yourself.
I must say that I am puzzled that you should "feel ashamed for not managing all this better...". How do you envision a better way of managing this time of your life? The situation is full of uncertainty in many aspects of your life as well as those within your life. There is no control in a situation such as this.
Hugs and TLC.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in anything you may write or seek clarity for in doing so.
I've found repeatedly on SR that just the act of writing out emotions seems to offer catharsis and takes a load off. But it can be challenging to write out our greatest vulnerabilities for scrutiny and consideration from others. It is courageous and not attention seeking IMHO to write and say 'Here I am. This is me right at this moment'. Chances are pretty high that you will have figured out quite a bit by the time you reach the end of your post simply through sorting emotions enough to express them clearly for others to read. Please do not forget that this is your thread for you to receive willingly offered support during this trying time in which you find yourself.
I must say that I am puzzled that you should "feel ashamed for not managing all this better...". How do you envision a better way of managing this time of your life? The situation is full of uncertainty in many aspects of your life as well as those within your life. There is no control in a situation such as this.
Hugs and TLC. Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 230
((hugs)) Jeni!
You have helped me, and I read your caring posts to everyone else.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this at once. I am amazed at how well you are managing everything! I hope you continue to take good care of yourself. Stress can really take a huge toll on your body.
I would gladly take some of the burdens away from you if I could. Just know I am thinking and praying for you and your family every day.
Take care my friend, and I hope you feel better soon!
You have helped me, and I read your caring posts to everyone else.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this at once. I am amazed at how well you are managing everything! I hope you continue to take good care of yourself. Stress can really take a huge toll on your body.
I would gladly take some of the burdens away from you if I could. Just know I am thinking and praying for you and your family every day.
Take care my friend, and I hope you feel better soon!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Posts: 8,009
Well it seems I am much better coping in the present than in the future. Now all my worries are actually turning into reality I can deal with them.
I went to see my Dad yesterday, took one look at him and phoned an ambulance. He was refusing water, meds and general care and was incoherent. My Mum begged me not to. She thought if he goes into hospital he won't come back out. And she is very scared. My sister turned up and she agreed. The paramedics came and me and my Mum went in the ambulance with him. He is now oxygen dependent and the Doc talked to us about his wishes about dying. My Mum is still clinging to the fact that if we can get him well enough for radiotherapy he will be ok for a while. That option looks unlikely. He has a chest infection, most likely pneumonia and is on IV antibiotics. They have told my Mum if he deteriorates further they won't admit him to ICU. I'm very worried about my Mum. She has most likely a throat infection and looks very frail. She will not cope well without him. She has been his codependent enabler all her marriage and her world revolves around him.
I've taken today off work and am going to take her to the docs and then up to the hospital. If we can get nursing care for him we will ask to bring him home. If he makes it long enough.
Tough times for sure. But I can deal with this. Work worries have faded into insignificance. My hospital appointment is in the same hospital where my Dad is so I can combine visiting him with seeing my own consultant.
Whatever happens I think I will be able to deal with it now.
I've found my faith again x
I went to see my Dad yesterday, took one look at him and phoned an ambulance. He was refusing water, meds and general care and was incoherent. My Mum begged me not to. She thought if he goes into hospital he won't come back out. And she is very scared. My sister turned up and she agreed. The paramedics came and me and my Mum went in the ambulance with him. He is now oxygen dependent and the Doc talked to us about his wishes about dying. My Mum is still clinging to the fact that if we can get him well enough for radiotherapy he will be ok for a while. That option looks unlikely. He has a chest infection, most likely pneumonia and is on IV antibiotics. They have told my Mum if he deteriorates further they won't admit him to ICU. I'm very worried about my Mum. She has most likely a throat infection and looks very frail. She will not cope well without him. She has been his codependent enabler all her marriage and her world revolves around him.
I've taken today off work and am going to take her to the docs and then up to the hospital. If we can get nursing care for him we will ask to bring him home. If he makes it long enough.
Tough times for sure. But I can deal with this. Work worries have faded into insignificance. My hospital appointment is in the same hospital where my Dad is so I can combine visiting him with seeing my own consultant.
Whatever happens I think I will be able to deal with it now.
I've found my faith again x
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Thank you Dee, you and everyone here have really helped. I hope you are in a better place too, both mentally and as regards your living conditions! Xx
And Luper. I'm happy to have helped. Don't give up now my friend. You can do this, I know it. Xx
SR is truly an amazing place
And Luper. I'm happy to have helped. Don't give up now my friend. You can do this, I know it. Xx
SR is truly an amazing place
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Posts: 8,009
So...my Dad is angry with me. He pulled off his oxygen mask long enough to tell me that it's my fault they won't let him have radiotherapy, that I should never have called the paramedics on Sunday.
I told him that he has pneumonia, that he was refusing water and meds and wasn't responding to anything. The hospital said that his oxygen levels were so low he would have slipped into a coma.
He is gravely ill. He isn't responding to the antibiotics and needs 24 hour oxygen. I need to speak to the oncologist but I need to go into work today. Life has to go on, he is safe, and I have other responsibilities too.
The hardest thing about the past few days was the fact that my Mum sided with my Dad. She held his hand and told him she hadn't wanted him in hospital but I had taken it out of her hands. That is true I suppose. I don't regret doing it but that act of ganging up on me brought up lots of hard emotion. That was me as a kid when Dad hit me and Mum would side with him..yeah I shouldn't have cried, run through the house, broken or spilled something. She was too scared of him to stand up for the truth or what was right and she's still doing it.
That hurt yesterday. Don't know why.
I'm trying to walk a spiritual path through this and then something so minor knocks me sideways. Makes me want to cry and run away from it all.
But I need to smile and go deal with work today and tuck that hurt away.
I told him that he has pneumonia, that he was refusing water and meds and wasn't responding to anything. The hospital said that his oxygen levels were so low he would have slipped into a coma.
He is gravely ill. He isn't responding to the antibiotics and needs 24 hour oxygen. I need to speak to the oncologist but I need to go into work today. Life has to go on, he is safe, and I have other responsibilities too.
The hardest thing about the past few days was the fact that my Mum sided with my Dad. She held his hand and told him she hadn't wanted him in hospital but I had taken it out of her hands. That is true I suppose. I don't regret doing it but that act of ganging up on me brought up lots of hard emotion. That was me as a kid when Dad hit me and Mum would side with him..yeah I shouldn't have cried, run through the house, broken or spilled something. She was too scared of him to stand up for the truth or what was right and she's still doing it.
That hurt yesterday. Don't know why.
I'm trying to walk a spiritual path through this and then something so minor knocks me sideways. Makes me want to cry and run away from it all.
But I need to smile and go deal with work today and tuck that hurt away.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
My Dad is stronger physically but mentally having some sort of breakdown. He can usually hold it together in public but he is bitter and angry...refusing to keep on his oxygen mask, pulling out his drip, talking about killing himself. He is now on a locked ward. I've got my hospital appointment this morning for my own health issues.
I can do this right?
I can do this right?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I believe you can.
I'm sorry your Dad's not coping very well - I'm not sure I'd cope well either...but there's nothing more you yourself can do about that Jeni.
Just focus on the stuff you can do something about and leave the rest to God, Fate,The Universe or whatever you like to call It.
D
I'm sorry your Dad's not coping very well - I'm not sure I'd cope well either...but there's nothing more you yourself can do about that Jeni.
Just focus on the stuff you can do something about and leave the rest to God, Fate,The Universe or whatever you like to call It.
D
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Wales UK
Posts: 859
Jen, You will cope and your Mum will also ,given time and support start her own path.
In time it will be seen how grave the situation was and the reality would have been very frightening and chaotic at home. You will not be seen in the wrong light but as the one who took control.
Perhaps more than ever the serenity prayer makes sense outside of the AA too.
Love John.
In time it will be seen how grave the situation was and the reality would have been very frightening and chaotic at home. You will not be seen in the wrong light but as the one who took control.
Perhaps more than ever the serenity prayer makes sense outside of the AA too.
Love John.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Hi guys. I'm doing a lot better. My hospital appointment went well, no obvious signs of cancer and I'm just waiting on the results of a biopsy. I'm fairly confident it will be ok, and even if it isn't i will deal with it.
My Dad is home from hospital, on oxygen, and with nursing care. After spending a lot of time wondering whether I did the right thing by calling out that ambulance, I've made my peace with it now. I did what I thought was right at that time. My parents are looking to me for a lot of support and that feels ok. It is easier now he's home. I was driving 120 miles a day last week between home, work, my Mums and the hospital and I was a wreck.
Work has been simpler. My boss has been very supportive, giving me time off to see the oncologist with them and letting me leave early so I can do the hospital visiting run. And I've got 4 days left until the term ends and I can rest properly.
My Dad is going to die. We don't know when. There has been a lot of history there and I guess I've been scared to develop feelings for him because I was better off not caring. But spending so much time with them both is helping me see that nothing is really as simple as we think.
I will be ok I think. Lots of thoughts of drinking just lately, but I'm on top of them and I won't do it. That's just old memories and my AV trying to take advantage. It won't happen.
Thank you all for being there with me through this x
My Dad is home from hospital, on oxygen, and with nursing care. After spending a lot of time wondering whether I did the right thing by calling out that ambulance, I've made my peace with it now. I did what I thought was right at that time. My parents are looking to me for a lot of support and that feels ok. It is easier now he's home. I was driving 120 miles a day last week between home, work, my Mums and the hospital and I was a wreck.
Work has been simpler. My boss has been very supportive, giving me time off to see the oncologist with them and letting me leave early so I can do the hospital visiting run. And I've got 4 days left until the term ends and I can rest properly.
My Dad is going to die. We don't know when. There has been a lot of history there and I guess I've been scared to develop feelings for him because I was better off not caring. But spending so much time with them both is helping me see that nothing is really as simple as we think.
I will be ok I think. Lots of thoughts of drinking just lately, but I'm on top of them and I won't do it. That's just old memories and my AV trying to take advantage. It won't happen.
Thank you all for being there with me through this x
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