GailJ

Looking for friends, I've blown it and am back into depression and panick attacks again. Starting to feel like I am beyond any hope and need some support and strength. My life here has ended socially, emotionally, and soon to be physically. The binge is winning about once a week now and I have to make drastic changes if life is ever going to get better and I am going to beat this alcoholism. I can't hold my head up in public, I can't make eye contact with anyone out of my shame, and humiliation. :codiepolice I am taunted and jeered at work. Hubby and I are emotionally done. I am saving up my money to move away to a place where I can get a new career and a new start. The old haunts just keep dragging me down and I can't see any other way out of this for me. Sorry to post bad tidings just need friends and support. Any friend at all.

Wolfstarr

(((((Gailj))))))

Sometimes a change can do us a world of good...I'm listening, and I am a friend...

Hang in there friend...it will get better.

Gentle hugs for you--

GailJ

Here I am again, not in run away mode but am back in my cubby. This morning, spouse told me he was leaving me, cause of me. That he hates me his whole family and all his friends hate me and that he can't do nothing cause of me. His leaving means leaving me out in the country stranded and without transportation to work stores and such. Course this has got the panick attacks going big time. Fighting off heart palps and blackouts at work all day. Very tense for me here. Walking on eggshells. Hubby hiding from me but thats normal now. I am just staying in my spare room here. I am terrible at being alone yet to scared to reach out. No alcohol this weekend so thats good.

Been thinking what to do if he follows through with his threat that would allow me to keep my job and my home. Thought about trying a dating service, but not a good idea if I am not in tune with myself. Thought about advertising to share the house for a reasonable rent with transportation to town. That might work. But this is all presumption. and an only if he does leave. Still I have to continue on right. Get up, eat, continue to care for my home and myself, make it to work every day and try to save a nest egg for emergency if needed. At least I am making good hours and a good wage now.

hippyhippy

Hi Gail hunny (((hugs)))

so sorry you are having a rough tim e of it again. I am not sure what to offer in the way of advice, but can give you my shoulder and friendship.
Hippy
x

countrycasual

Gail,
I'm new to this site and haven't posted much. So I tried to send you a PM, which of course wouldn't go because the forum rules dictate that a member must have made more posts publicly before trying to carry on Private conversations.
Okay, so here I go. Trying to be public so that I can extend my hand in Friendship.

I looked at your profile info. Seems we share a love of Gardening and Birds, which is good. Gardening is one of the ways I motivate myself. To watch things grow and in turn share them with others. I've lived in this community for 15 years and yet I have no friends. Just my garden. I think gardening can help us both!

imallright

Gail... be proud of yourself for reaching out for help. You are stronger than you think if you can reach out amid all of the turmoil you are feeling inside. I know what it is like to be ashamed and to try to hide. PLEASE, keep reaching out. There are people who are care and will be there for you, even when you are sure that there aren't. Sometimes, they are people you never knew before and somehow they appear when you need them. Really, I'm not nuts... I think about all the wonderful people here who have extended a hand to me and how much that has helped. It lead me to take other steps in my life and to reach out other places to get my life back.

You are strong. Put your energy there and get the help. Good thoughts and prayers to you.

Wolfstarr

How goes it today Gail? Just poppin' in to say hi and seein' how you're doing...

GailJ

Hi guys, thanks for the replies and sorry in taking so long to respond. Believe it or not anxiety has kept me from coming online. Really rough couple weeks with hubby. Hasn't left me yet but we are having a hard time spending time together at all. Insta tension and stress. I've been working long hours again and have to work Saturday and next Saturday as well. Not sure what to say, I am so nervous with myself, no self confidence at all. Not that anyone I know here would know that. I put up a good front. I really blew it that last big binge with family, made a total idiot out of myself. Still not over the guilt/humiliation of it. Family did not take it well and has basically cut off contact. Not that it makes a difference anyway, we never did connect and they trigger me even when I am not drinking anyway. It's a beautiful day out so out I go to the garden to do what I can before dark. Bought 5 emerald cedars to plant today. Finally starting my landscaping and finished drywalling and priming my pantry. Keep busy that's all I can think to do. I know it's all over the place, like my mind Ha...but thats my update for now. Thanks for listening and being here.

nandm

Glad you posted. I have been wondering how you are doing.

GailJ

Ok Hubby at it again...Think I am his emotional bashing board. I just keep soaking it in, gitting to the point I've spent so long being the sound board I have forgotten myself altogether. Really want to talk to a lawyer and end this lonliness. I have so much to offer and so much to be apprietiated for. Just no one to share it with except you all here. I worked today and got a good chunk of overtime. Came home and rode the riding lawnmower to my sanctuary by the river. What a mess. I did my best to clean up the winter squirrels nests and the mouse nests out of the trailer. So peaceful down there, No phones, no people, just cedars and rivers, a few cyacing city folk. I am well hidden from home, from strangers. from the road. I am smokey and sooty from cleaning. Hubby is trying so hard to leave me now. Really hates me yet I really don't do anything to deserve it.
;He hangs out now with the he man woman haters club. He listens to everything they say. He is a coward and a doormat to whatever they want. Yet just this morning I am told is all my fault. Can't do anything cause of me yet there is nothing left I can give up...........................Really think It's time I do kick him out. There is nothing left. Sorry You may be thinking I should be on the relationship forum but it is the anxiety and the knowing whats coming that is spinning my knoggan.

GailJ

Been at the river, much less stress, no people, accepted I will always be a loner and terrible at keeping friends or idle chit chat. Things a lot better, drinking under control two weeks now. Good weather and busy outside, working lots, and keeping to myself. Just updating, just knowing I am heard/read here helps. Thanks.

GailJ

Just checking in, terribly depressed today, still havn't caved to the binge, but the depression and anx are at max. Had to take today off work cause of fight with hubby yesterday, verbal only but just drained me physically, completely fainting and panick attacks like crazy and totally agorophobic today. Hoping I can turn it around for myself and get some confidence back. To cold to go to the river today so just taking some me time to try to recouperate.

Bel303

Hi GailJ,

You are lucky to be so very pretty. I'm sorry to hear theres a lot of big stuff going on for you right now.

Some things that help me when my life is painful and scarey are trying to stay positive, and just taking one day at a time.

Your Hubby desn't sound very nice. You'd be better off in the long run if he leaves.

GailJ

Thanks for the reply. No he's not very nce to me. I think I deserve it though. I'm tired of fighting it. If I am nothing but a drinker and a smoker than fine I'm falling off the wagon. He's up now and tromping around. I had better go back to the river. Can't take any more of his crap. He'll be gone in a couple hours and I can relax then. I just want to drink now. 6:00 am pretty pathetic eh..

I'll try not to post when I'm drunk.

SailorKaren

Just to let you know you are not alone. Sundays have been my most difficult days, because I play keyboard in our music ministry, and my ex still attends and brings her new girlfriend along. I get so anxious and afraid it's all I can do not to turn the car around on the way there and not show up. I've asked for help and support from the Pastor and her wife, and now I sit in the front row with them. It feels much safer and I don't have to look at my ex and be triggered by that. I feel much better today, and it's partly because she did not come this morning... Oh well, one Sunday at a time.

Please be gentle and loving with yourself, and see if holding a soft place inside for your inner child feels better than losing sobriety. You can do it, and she loves it so much when you do.

hippyhippy

Hi Sunshine,
sorry I didn't reply to your previous posts, I have been quite self centred of late and not really seeing beyond my own thread or the one I go into regularly. I apologise for not being here for you hunny. (((gail)))
I am so sorry you are having this stuff with your hubby. You do NOT deserve it. No one deserves to be treated badly.
Keep on coming in and talking to us Gail, I will try to be more here for you.
Your across the Atlantic buddy:ghug3
Hippy

GailJ

I doing it, I'm calling a lawyer in the morning, he's been gone since Friday night. He beat on me that night then took off, I slipped and I got drunk and smashed in a winshield to one of his crap cars in the barn. (retaliation for him grabbing my neck and throughing me down then smacking my head on the floor) He laid charges against me for it, I didn't deny it and I told the cops I was getting a restraining order against him this Monday. Havn't drank since, healing up and sore all over, No visible bruises even though there should be lots. Really nervous about finally breaking it off for good. Better that way, we know how it works with abusive guys, they only get worse and I am definately not in love with him anymore. There's so much crap here that's going to have to be sold. Really overwhelming. I'll try to stay on the wagon, through it all. Thanks for being here, I definately have no one to turn to here at home, victim services is next to nothing here and the cops won't charge him with the assault anyway. Typical of the country hics here, hard to believe it's 2008 and they this let this go on. Thanks for letting me talk here. Helps with the cycling nightmare flashbacks and panick attacks. I'll get through this. Not like this is the first time I've broken a relationship off.

hippyhippy

Hunny,
so sorry you are going through this. You know what you say is right though hun. Abusive partners rarely get better. I know he has a lot of crap to deal with too but you should not be his punchbag, emotional or physical.
You are a strong person hun, but I think you don't believe that of yourself sometiomes.
I am not lecturing on the booze hun, just saying that if you manage to stay on that wagon, it will help to give you some more inner resolve.
I wish there was more I could do or say to help you through this hunny.
Hippy
x

nandm

Gail, good to see you posting again.

I am thankful that you have decided it is time to leave. Too many women wind up dead or seriously injured because they were not able to make the decision to leave an abusive partner.

You said that victims services is of no help where you live. Is there maybe a womens shelter near you? Even if it is in another town it may help, in fact it being in another town might be to your benefit as it will put you farther out of his reach. I don't know if they are listed in the phone book or not but you might try an internet search if they aren't. I think victims services should have a list of phone numbers for shelters. Many times shelters will help you find work, give you a place to live, and help you get a new start on life.

You are stronger than you realize. After years of abuse we tend to start believing that we are weak and can not do it on our own. Please remember that is what the abusers want you to believe. They try to break your spirit and keep you beleiving you are worthless and weak so you will stay with them and they will have someone to abuse. You have made the first step in deciding to leave. That is a huge one. As you continue to take steps you will start to see you are strong and capable. I look forward to hearing about your growth and progress. Keep up the good work.

By the way, yes, staying on the wagon would be a good idea but what is truly important right now is to get in a safe environment then you can start working on you. Sometimes in life it is best to take one step at a time, especially when we are beat up and tired. You may even find that quitting drinking is easier once you are out of the abuse and have a little more confidence.

Remeber each of us here at SR are rooting for you. I believe in you and know you can get through this. I am proud of you for the willingness to reach out and get away from the abusive relationship. Be sure to keep us posted.:ghug

GailJ

I was hoping he would be the one to leave, now that the cops have been involved he will stay away from the house at least. I am definately going for that restraining order tommorrow. There are only two shelters within 150km and I won't give up my job over him. I'll let the lawyers decide who is going to keep the farm but I doubt either of us could manage it alone. So I'll look for a place in town again. I was hoping to be here just long enough to get my drivers license back at the end of July. With the way the legal system is I may get to stay here. He can stay in his motorhome. We lived there six months when we first bought the farm and before we built the house.

He just drove by so my stomach is really upset. So tempted to grab a beer but no way, I forced down a frozen pasta entree instead. I can't go anorexic or drunk over this and land up in hospital, that would be disasterous and being anemic it would not take long. Water, and pasta till tummy is stronger.
At least I have enough food for the week. So can skip one twenty dollar taxi trip to town. Thanks for answering so quickly. Support is so vital to me. Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou.