SailorKaren

You're doing so well in a difficult situation. Keep up the self care and stay in touch with us. You might keep an eye out for the bruising. It may yet appear, and if so, some photos might be helpful. In my most stressful days these last few months, I haven't felt like eating much, but I have been good about taking my vitamin and mineral supplements. I think that has been helpful. Sending you much love and support.

GailJ

He's back and in the house, I'm not fighting but inside I am starting to freak, the tears are coming and I'm scared shiteless of tomorrow. Having to be printed and photographed, the humiliation. Still not drinking just trying to get back under control. Thanks for the vitamin tip. I have not been taking mine. Will take some later. Talk later don't want him to see me on here.

GailJ

Ok calmed down, had a cry in the shower, went for a drive, didn't talk. He wants get this to drive me in tomorrow to do the print thing. Well at least I won't have to pay a cab. Sleeping in the spare room. Can't look at him at all. Going to sleep will log in tommorrow. Maybe they will let him drop the charges. Can't see it. Still calling that Lawyer while he's at work.

GailJ

It's morning, trying hard to keep a grip. Was crying, no use for a pity party, just agorophobia and being arrested don't go well together. He took me for a coffee, is being chipper and cheerfull like all this is OK. I guess he's already won by destroying my confidence and my ability to get help. Can't think like that but I am so crushed, Right now I want to quit my job and let them all lock me up and throw away the keys. I just don't know how I am going to get through this one. I never have gotten a break and now I am going to be bankrupted by this idiocy. Got to snap out of it, got to call the lawyer again.
There's got to be a way to beat this, a way out without going to jail or the psych ward. Going to have my coffee, have a shower, wash away these tears

GailJ

Just a quick note, Still sober but have been drinking responsibly, mainly so I can sleep without having to go on meds, Tuesday I balwed my eyes out and gave myself a big pity party but over it, didn't miss any work and moving into the trailer. No phones, no tv just my journal, nature, peace and quiet and safety, found some emotional support at work. Words out now what happened and I see no reason to lie or cover on his behalf.
Only come to the house when he is not home. Making dinner and gathering living supplies for the trailer. Slept down there three days now. Home only to shower and eat. Safe, Secure, but can't get online much, called three lawyers now still no reply. So saving up for court costs and leaving, wish me luck.

GailJ

Well still doing it if anyone is interested, still sober I mean. Panick attacks are unreal. I may actually have a heart attack yet, but not likely.
Confronted him today on the charges and changes we both need to make, He is still in denial. Tried spending time together he thought it went great, I'm a basketcase over it.
He did exactly what he has always done, adding in that I was crazy at one point. Just won't accept the post traumatic stress disorder at all and I already know things will never improve here with him.
Asked him to go to counseling, called the attorney generals office about dropping the charges if he would, doesn't look good. Lawyer emailed me, calling victim services and mental health in the morning. I already know I can't handle going to court without another nervous breakdown. Mind is mostly here, body not so good. Exhausted from the stress, diarrea and stomach cramps, heart is like a sparrows. Tried to explain PTSD symptoms but don't think I made even a dent.

GailJ

Things calmer today, can be in the house. Panick attacks not so bad, emailed victim services waiting for call back. Family law lawyer emailed, will represent me for $250.00 an hour. Want all my stuff ready when I go in. Rents are really high in town and I am really scared of being alone. Funny even a bad relationship can seem better than a lonely one. Still sober. Hoping all goes well this weekend.

GailJ

Still sober, things alot better, He wants me to stay, I told him wouldn't stay unless he accepted help himself and went to relationship couselling. He is willing, think I could force him by letting charges go through and asking the crown attorney to order it. Stayed in the house last night.
He has to understand how his actions are affecting the situation. Yes I have to control my PTSD symptoms and keep my drinking responsible and under control. But he has to see he has his own PTSD sypmtoms as well. They don't impair his everyday life but his anger and denial have to be addressed as well. He can escallate a fight to the point of triggering manic depression in me. This can not happen again, I am sick of being punished for the car accident and the other tradgedies which brought us to this point.
I've gone to great lengths to control my anxiety and PTSD, he must take resonsibility for his actions as well. He can't blame everything on beer anymore, I am taking a stand, feeling much stronger and the panick attacks are much better today.
Victim services hasn't contacted me but I found other services who can help both me and him

GailJ

still sober, anxious but not panicking, Waiting for another bomb to drop. Weekend good so far. Hubby is anxious as well, triggering asthma attack in him. Sleeping now.

GailJ

Going onto a different forum, relapsing into chonic PTSD. Alcohol under control, thanks for the support.

nandm

Just a note to let you know I have been reading your posts.

Judith

SailorKaren

That sounds like some good progress Gail, way to go! I like hearing that your husband might be open to counseling. I wish you all the best, and we'll be here whenever you might like to post here again.

Many blessings, Karen