GailJ

I have to make a list first and foremost as the book directs of Self Care activities for when I am feeling overwhelmed or overly distressed. As the more distressed we become the harder it is to take care of ourselves, the list is designed for use to be able to comfort, care and calm yourself down. PTSD works on triggers, and the list is for when a trigger hits and panick and fears take over.
So I will work on those for a while. Thankyou for your care and concern. All my friends who support me here have made such a tremendous impact in how I see the world already. Your support means the world to me.

scarlati

Hey Gail,
I like the new picture.
Your mother taught you some really good things. I admire your strength and determination. Where there's life there's hope.

Lilya

Well, good for you, Gail.

You have a good time over the weekend and read your book. Tell the "losers" LOL to stay away or else!

Yes, I like the new picture too. You´re not afraid to show yourself to the world, well, bravo for that. It´s always nice to "see" the people you interact with. You can see me, although tiny, standing in the Forbidden City in Bejing, China where I was last year.

Things are looking up, went with my nine year old to go skating in the Winter Palace, there was a birthday. Lots of parents, single parents but no "deadbeat dads" LOL.

Love and light,

GailJ

My Self Care activities list, When a Trigger hits
Read
Garden
Walk to River with Camera
Make a campfire
Take a Hot Bath
Breathing Exercises
Snuggle kittens
Get Creative
Go into Cleaning Mode
Post Here
Work on my Myspace site
Have a sleep

scarlati

That's a good list, Gail. Expanding on the "Get Creative" category, you might take up an artistic hobby if you don't already have one. I play classical guitar and I've found that to very helpful when I'm feeling anxious. If you got into music or painting or drawing or knitting, sewing, cooking, or anything like that you might find it helpful as well. Artistic activities like this are great because they not only give us something to focus on other than how we're feeling, but they also give us new ways to express ourselves. And most art forms you can usually teach yourself if you get some books on them. I started taking guitar lessons when I was 11 but I made more progress after I quit lessons and started teaching myself. Just a suggestion.

GailJ

I used to do a lot of leather work but killed 7 sewing machines and the repetativetendonitis in my wrists and hands makes that artform a thing of the past. It's very hard and takes a lot of pressure to cut leather and peirce eyelets or snaps onto leather. One I can still manage is crafting dreamcatchers. I can still do large roomsize ones, In a way thats therapy because they say the bad dreams are caught in the webs to haunt you no more, so I choose beads and charms carefully and attach a bad dream or memory to each one I sew in the webs. I sold most of mine when we bought the farm and have been out of the craft for quite some time. But now I have time I may set up a craft table an get back into that one.

GailJ

Just checking in to update, I've been over on the other PTSD forum quite a bit. Hippy said I was making exuses to not move and in a way she's right. I just don't think I cant handle going backward in life at this point. Even if it means emotional aleination on part of hubby. When I met him I was on welfare and still had my kids at home. We bought his 16 acres of beauty on the river, hadn't been touched in twenty five years, no house. We rebuilt the barn, hub sold his house in town, I lived in a really crappy apartment for a year and a half, my dad passed way and I was grieving and bearing through a work related shoulder injury that left my left arm an hand useless, my kids decided to give city life a shot and moved with my blessing, since I was in pain and grieving, in deep depression and pretty useless as a mother at that point, once they moved I came to the farm and we lived for a winter and better part of spring in our motorhome which was parked in the barn, .what an adventure that was. We started construction on the house in the following spring, things were good then and my shoulder injury was heaing and I was regaining the use of my arm, my mum became very i'll with the cancer so I spent lot of time driving to take care of her while hubby dealt with foundation contractors and hired a couple guys to help him frame. Just after we got the outside walls in and roof on, my mum passed away and I grieved hard for her, same time we were drywalling and hubs took major asthma attack, (Jan) couldn't be around the drywall or drywall dust at all, so once the boards were up and screwed I did all the taping, mudding, sanding and vacuuming, never ending vacuuming, during an asthma attack at hospital doctors discovered skin cancer on hubby's face and he had to have surgury to remove it in the spring. He was very depressed as they took about a two inch circle out of his cheek and left a nasty scar, his friends came to suport him and we had non stop company all through summer, that's the summer his friend went after me and I told everyone which made matters worse for me. And him very distant, my oldest son was prosecuted on criminal charges which didn't help at all either.

Thats when I snapped under the strain and had four months off work, and had the car accident. We both went through so much trying to build this home and it is beautifull, has georgeous veiws, keep up with the bills, trying get over his friends assaults on me andmy relapsing into PTSD. Yes we had alot of fights and I binged heavily during that time. Now with this last assault, I only told him, one other friend and my two sisters and one brother. The guy has not been back since and I don't think we'll see him again. I am finally recouperating and things are quiet, hubby still has lots to mental issues to work through on his own, so I am just giving him space, tried last week and this to share a bed with him as I am trying hard to make life seem normal, but he is dissasociating with me right now and I just feel really rejected at the moment so I am back in the spare room again, the weekend was so peacefull but as soon a hub got home there is that silent tension and fear back in the air. From both sides. So anyway I decided that I am going to try to stick it out for the winter here.

I paid up our taxes, and a long overdue electricity bill, even paid his insurance(most of it), have the house, clean laundry done, supper every night cooked and back to work tommorow. I have you guys to support me, I am working my way through the book on coping skills, and just giving hubs space for him to work out his stresses and coping skills.

Last night I asked if he wanted me in his bed or not, he just said do whatever you want I don't care... then went on this long dissassociative train of talk and laying blame on himself sayingI blamed him for everything, saying he doesn't know whats going to happen next and going into martyr mode, saying he wouldn't be able to play pool now cause of me and he'll just stay home. The went to the bedroom and pulled the blanket over his head so we wouldn't have to deal with me. I went in and sat on th egde of the bed and said quietly that I have never stopped him from anything he wanted to do, that these assaults affected us both greatly and sure made us both realize who our true friends were, that I was trying my best to recover and bring life back to normal and that we had both made a lot of mistakes, but I still loved him. I left and turned out the light and came back to the spare room here. He slept a while and the phone rang and it was his pool team calling him to come play, so I woke him up handed him the phone and came back to the spare room. I closed the door most of the way leaving room for the dog and cats to come snuggle. I heard him walk to the kitchen heard him leave to go play pool. He stayed out till after I was asleep and I did stay in here in the spare bed. This morning I heard him up getting ready for work, I sat in my office chair and could see him sitting on the couch. He saw me too, I was having my morning smoke and because of his asthma this is the only room I will smoke in, I have an air purifier in here too. He didn't speak to me nor I to him, and he left and is at work now.

I don't know why I feel the need to vent all this stuff maybe that's all it is a vent, I've been thinking about printing out some coping strategies for stress management and posting them around so he can see them too. He might read them, he might not, I don't know but I am going to keep healing and recovering whether he supports me or not. Craving beer a bit but not going to get any, I'm doing to good to give into cravings now. Take care today everybody

hippyhippy

Hunny
that is a lotta stuff to be dealing with. When I said you were making excuses, I meant it in the best possible way. I could just sense a reluctance on your part.
If you and hubby could get over this then I think it would benefit you both loads but if you can't.....and you both need to be honest.....then future plans are what needs to be.
I can't imagine going through what you have hun. Apart from my BP, my crap is in the past, yours is very much a part of your life.
Having a splurge on here is ok. I do that at times too, either here or on another forum. If it helps you hun.
Validation is a word that was pointed out to me when I had a splurge one time. I need validation for all the stuff that has happened. I turn my anger inwards as I never managed to vent it when it could or should have been.
Can I validate thing for you at least a bit and say that is all awful hunny? It is truelly a hard hard time you have had and I so wish you hadn't have had it.
You need clarification too I feel of all the hard work you are doing. You ARE doing well hun. You are fighting in the face of no support, pain, and a craving for beer. You put me to shame sunshine, you really do.
And BTW, you are very pretty hun!

Hippy
xxx

Lilya

Gail,

We have similar haircolour, although mine is a bit blonder.

Yes, those is a tough issues. Nothing is gained from focing a solution to them and one thing I have learned in AA is not to take a big decision when there is so much on my plate.

What has happened to you is a lot, Gail. I think you´re coping well by paying the bills and overdue taxes and giving your husband space. I still think both of you would benefit from marital/or privat counselling, but you do it when you´re ready.

We had a bad time like this in my family. My cousin was raped and killed by a serial killer, my father got cancer the same year, I divorced, my sister-in-law died in a terrible accident... everything in the same year. It took us a long time to recover. I went into therapy and my shrink tought me how to live in the here and now, exercise and have a calm time every day. Take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time. Hope it helps.

We´re here for you, so don´t worry too much.

Love and light,

GailJ

[/QUOTE]What has happened to you is a lot, Gail. I think you´re coping well by paying the bills and overdue taxes and giving your husband space. I still think both of you would benefit from marital/or privat counselling, but you do it when you´re ready.

We had a bad time like this in my family. My cousin was raped and killed by a serial killer, my father got cancer the same year, I divorced, my sister-in-law died in a terrible accident... everything in the same year. It took us a long time to recover. I went into therapy and my shrink tought me how to live in the here and now, exercise and have a calm time every day. Take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time. Hope it helps.

We´re here for you, so don´t worry too much.

Love and light,[/QUOTE]

just finished a long reply and it had me as not logged in and poof it was gone.
Just having my morning coffee, home today, big amonia leak and refridgeration breakdown yesterday, till not fixed
Poor engineers have a real mess on their hands. Supposed to go in Saturday instead. Don't know wy they just don't put it onto next week. Only two days next week as well. Hey at least I'll be getting overtime pay.

Hubby would never go to therapy, unfortunately, I asked him before and he said no way. Lil I can relate to the one thing, after another, after another. Really shakes up your basic needs and beliefs, your perceptions of safety. The therapy helps, for me the book is not telling me anything I havn't learned before but it is a good reminder and recogonition of how the anx/panick/ and trauma's affect us and can be reevaluated and changed back to the here and now in healthier and more secure ways. I am just reading through it right now. Still finding my concentration and focus is interupted too much, so I'll finish reading and then go back ad read it again while working out the CBT and relaxation exersizes.

I have decided to really push for the womens shelter and am going to start writing to the paper to shake things up a bit. I'm just going to sign as concerned citizen for now. I think it's a good project to concentrate on, better than being a union steward again, but still helping others in the long run. Have a good day folks.

Gail

Lilya

Gail,

Good for you to push for a woman´s shelter. Once I volunteered at a woman´s shelter and it was a great experience. I learned about the reality of domestic abuse and it opened my eyes permanently.

I was looking at the photo of the cats, they are beyound cute! I have cats too and they curl at my feet as I´m writing. I´m working on a children´s book on cats, hoping to publish next spring. Is the bigger cat licking the kitten?

I have two, both male. One of them licks the other one until he gets really angry and they have a fight. Then they hug each other.

Love and light,

GailJ

If it's the one with the black and white and the Calico, I think they were just snuggling, Charlie the bigger one is about 15yrs old in the pic, has been fixed for years. The little one the girl I found in the barn about 4 months old, half dead with runy eyes an runnynose, I brought her to health and she fell in love with Charlie, she shadowed him wherever he went. Came home and found them in the laundry basket sleeping. The flash woke them up. It is one of my favs, I'll post some more pics for you, your welcome to use any of them, The little one is the reason I'm surrounded in cats and kittens now, She had three litters, before she was hit on the highway a few months back, she was an excellent mother.

Live

Gail,

I am sorry I have been away, it's been my loss!
Thank you for sharing so freely. I can learn so much from you and I must say you are a most remarkable and admirable lady.
Recently studying from another cognitive behavioral site, I learned that it is an invasion to offer advice unless asked for....so I have no advice.
I have been in therapy a few times before and it isn't sufficiently helpful to me, nevertheless I have one scheduled for early November basically because I need to establish this paper trail and documentation to make myself eligible for help with the cost of my meds which run $392 per month.
You have got what it takes, lady-ma'am, that sure seems apparent to me. Sending you hugs and great respect,

live
Hugs and best wishes.
(I am out of my effexor and Welbutrin also and trazadone and have only a couple of xanax left......that really stresses me out and hinders my health, believe we have decided to sell a piece of jewelry and that won't be enough, but will help for awhile, while other things are in action.) Can't stop the xanax abruptly, that is a serious, potentially fatal mistake.

GailJ

Ugg live I remember what health care is like in Florida, while we lived there around 1980, my dad took a heart attack and I remember them making us buy everything, the sheets, the pillows, the bed pans, and water jug, the tounge depressors everything, sometimes I forget how lucky we are in Canada with our health care, It cost us thousnds for his three weeks in down there. Up here he would have been covered 100%
I don't agree on advice being an invasion at all, It is freely given and it is up to the person whether to take it or not. Glad your back with us Live we missed you

hippyhippy

Hi hun
just coming in to say 'hi' and I hope you are still doing ok?

Live, I find this intersting and can see the thinking behind it. Yet sometimes people are asking for advice without being blatant aren't they? Or is that just us British stiff upper lips!

Hippy
xxxx

hippyhippy

Gail
your experience of healthcare in Florida sounds like healthcare Britain and we HAVE healthcare!
My experience of hospital was dreadful when I had my second child. No covers, no sheets, had to wrap me and baby up in towels to keep warm and they wouldn't let me out cos baby was cold!
On saying that, we are covered for our healthcare. I have had treatment for mental health that I could never have afforded in US. Big waiting lists though. I am on a list for a psychologist but I am not anywhere near top of the list.
hippy
xxx

GailJ

Hippy yor home care can help you get in and hubs and mum. Overcrowing in Uk sucks. Be the squeedy wheel and get as much med spport as you can. I can't go in unless someone thinks I'm suicidal. You definately have been at that point and docs and homecare knows it. Sure to move you up the list Hippy. Squeek Squeek, let them think what they want if its going to help you get well, hun

GailJ

Reality , Just Not What, Just Anyone Can Handle.....................oh Sh*****

xjunkie4u

Maybe from what I'm reading about healthcare in Fl. it's good I'm not taking mental health drugs now. I can get what few drugs I need, welbutrin and chantix cheap with my regular doc. I've been in the system before, mostly for anxiety and depression but no longer take SSRI's (effexor) or prn benzos. I still have anxiety sometimes (like today) but it doesn't last long and these drugs did me a diservice. all the best

GailJ

It's 2:00am seroquel not working tonight, Non-stop really vivid wacko,wacko dreams so got up for a while. I had a coffee rather late so maybe that's why. Back on track and still sober let hope I can stay that way a lot longer than three weeks. Trying to stay in the here and now. Love and hugs to all, have a great day