GailJ

I can't believe I sunk so low last week, definately time to up my effexors. One more week to go and I am in my new apartment. Have to thinks of the positives and why this must be done for both me and hubby's sake. I will try to keep my posts more supportive and uplifting. Take care

Introvrtd1

Gail,

Hoping this finds u in better spirits...........

Seeing u in tough times, I wish u better days.

Intro

GailJ

I did it, arrange the hydro transfer, phone, satellite and internet transfer to the new apartment. Guaranteed mne by landlord. I guess this is really happening, still havn't heard from p-doc, getting frustated with the phone tag. My stomach is in knots and anx is high but I did it. Maybe i'l make some pasta and try to force it down without wreching or the irritable bowel crap. I've been really anorexic the last couple of weeks, being anemic on top doesn't help. No wonder my body is so weak right now. I'll get through this, and I'll be ok.

hippyhippy

Hey hun!

you are doing well, I am so proud of how you are doing what you are. It must be bloody hard, I can only imagine, but I really think it couuld be good fore you.

Try and eat hun. I know its not easy (well...I dont really as I eat all the time...too bloody much!)

Take care and keep posting hun.

Hippy
xx

GailJ

I did manage to make up some pasta for lunch and turned the sauce into a chicken catchetory. (I know wrong spelling but you get the meaning the italians will be laughing at that one) mixed in some onions, garlic cloves, chicken hunks and puffball peices-(a really!!!!!!!! big mushroom) lots of parmeson to top it off. Ate it with a big glass of milk to wash it down, gonna try for supper too, still half a chicken to use up. Just gonna make some mashed and buttered vegies, maybe a gravy if I'm up to it. Hubby has asked for supper Stomach is better today for it. Sill waiting for p-doc to call back. I need my effexors arggg. Only three left that friend left me and have divy those up into quarters. easier said than done.

hippyhippy

glad you ate hun. It gives you more 'oomph' to be doing all your stuff.
When do you more into apartment?

Hippy
xx

Lilya

Glad to hear you´re feeling better, Gail.

If you have anema, have it fixed as soon as you can. Lack of iron can cause all kinds of symptoms, including anxiety and low spirits.

Love and light,

Afraid2Succeed

That 'cacciatore' sounded yummy. I think I shall eat now!

Oh, btw good job Gail, good to see you moving forward.

hippyhippy

Hi hun,

hows it going?

Hippy
xxx

GailJ

If I live through this I can live through anything, my depression is at all time low. I'm trying so hard but the world here has turned it's back on me and I am having such a hard time coping. pdoc has doubled my effexors and given me some more seroquels to help me sleep. Oh god I need hope, I need strength, I need love, and it's just not here to hold me and hug me. Never never again will I venture into another relationship. Never gain trust in friends I can see. I feel so betrayed, so lost, so hurt by all the people I dared ever to have loved. I'm living a nightmare and I want so badly to wake up to the home and husband I dreamed I could have and deserved. I know this is never going to be possible for me, I'm to screwed up and damaged. I'm sorry I wish I had better news.

Lilya

Gail,

I know how hopeless things can seem, but I´m afraid you´ll keep feeling this way if you don´t change the pattern of negative thoughts. That is just my opinion.

It´s not the world, it´s the way we deal with it. The power is in our attitude, I believe.

I know it is easier said then done and God knows I´ve been there. I found that real healing began when I stepped out of my role as victim. I also know it´s not easy and I still have a big tendancy to do it. It´s a process.

You´ll find good stuff in the stickies on the board. I encourage you to read it, because it might give you hope. Bon courage.

I´m sending you love and light,

GailJ

Lilya I thought I had done that, but what has happened in the past year has just sapped all the strength out of me. I'm off work again, physically and mentally to ill to function out in the world right now. This latest rape has really made me backstep about a year healthwize. It was the same time last year I was also raped again. Last year was the first time ever I had the courage to even tell anyone I was raped. Right after it had happened, I have been going through hell with everybody ever since with everybody. I think thats what hurts the most and really pushed m into binging. In the past year in order of events, first being raped, followed by son being convicted of a sex crime, followed by really bad time on paxils ad lorazepams whilst being under fire for both of the above. Followed by car accident which took my license of twenty years for he past year and proably another year yet to come, followed by insurance company making me sign an exclusion paper from ever driving one of hubby's vehicles ever again, followed by this last rape in which I was taken from my own house while on sleeping pills and completely vulnerable. Then being told I am nothing but a drunken lying **** whom he'll never marry for telling him the truth. Now in the midst of separating. This is not negative thinking these are outside influences which have triggered my ptsd into full relapse. I am not kidding when I say I need to find a safe place to live and to be able to heal and get my life back. Even just this morning hubby comes into the room at 3 in the morning for sex, we go for a coffee drive after. On the drive I ask him to put my car, the smashed up one in my name, he has several vehichles, he said I migh want to drive it one day.
We get home and I said you realize I can't drive as long as the vehicle is in your name. He says it's too much to fix. I said I'll pay for it to be fixed. He instantly changed the subject and says who's going to pay the taxes........So I told him OK I'll have to find my own car and why would I pay taxes when you said you will never marry me and still havn't taken it back, and now your not even willing to put my car into my name, think about what your saying. That was the last we spoke this morning.

Lilya

Gail,

I´m really sorry about the tough time you´re going through and I wish you the strength to overcome your difficulties.

I´m also really glad you´ve used this adversity to make some changes in your life.

Love and light,

GailJ

I am so used to adversity I wonder if I would know a good thing if I find it. Meds are starting to do their job managed to clean kitchen and sweep the floors, not as shakey as long a I take a ten minute break every half hour. The number I had for the other landlord isn't working so I am waiting for the weekly paper to arrive. I'll find an apartment before the snow flies. There are a few considerate people at work who may help me when the time comes.

Lilya

Well, it´s one step at a time.

Don´t give up hope about the good times. The good times will come. Just give yourself time and be good to yourself.

Love and light,

GailJ

Got another apartment to move into tday much better than the last one but have to stick it out here till Nov now. Hubby very quiet and leaving me alone. Sister contacted me to give me some emotional support. Side effects from double dose pretty heavy, dozy, dizzy, jello lady, but am eating and managing to clean. I won't give up. Might be better to wait till November anyway to move, my health should be back to normal by then. Just staying in for my body to recover.

Lilya

Gail,

Great news.

Remember to keep it simple.

Love and light,

scarlati

It's good that you're finding a way out of your current situation. I know you're anxious to get out of there but since you have a month before can move now would be a good time to start thinking about the logistics involved in starting your new life. When you move what will you be able to take with you in the way of furniture, appliances, etc? And have you worked out a budget to make sure you'll be able to support yourself in your new apartment? Will you have transportation for things like grocery shopping? Will you be able to move your belongings and cover November's rent, security deposit and fees for starting up new phone, electric and water accounts?

I'm not trying to rain on your parade and I'm certainly not suggesting you maintain the status quo, which is definitely not an option for you. I just want to make sure you have a viable plan in place for when moving day arrives. It would be terrible to make this move and then realize you can't really afford it. So if I were you I'd crunch some numbers and if you realize now that you might not be able to do this you have the next few weeks to try to find a roomate or a cheaper apartment or whatever.

You're on an emotional roller coaster and plenty of other posters have provided emotional support, but be sure not to make life decisions based solely on emotion. Try to look objectively on whether or not your plan is practical for you. I'm sorry if I've given you more things to feel anxious about, but leaving the hubby and striking out on your own is the sort of thing that may require some serious planning to make sure the transition goes as smoothly as possible.

Best of Luck.

Lilya

Ditto to what Scarlati posted.

It is a sound advice and I also think it would help you to see things in a clearer way.

I don´t know if it helps, I´m really hoping it does, but when I face big decisions, I make lists with reachable goals. Have you tried that?

In short, I look at the goals I want to reach during the next six months and then I break them down into weeks and then finally days. I tick off each item of the list when it´s done.

The idea of the list is just to clarify your goals and there is a good feeling when you tick off the tasks of each day. Remember to only set manageable goals made up by small steps and to take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.

I don´t want you to be overwhelmed, you have a lot on your plate, but it would not be a bad idea to work on each issue separately. Now you have the move, how about concentrating just on that and the issues Scarlati covered?

Sending you light and love,

GailJ

I can afford it no problem, 25% monthly income for rent, hydro no deposit as I had account wit them before and always on top of it, walking distance to work and groceries, I don't drive. My job pays very well and 9 years seniority, it's modified to suit my pysical disabilities and they have been very considerate in my anxiety disorder. I am quality control most often which involves mainly taking temperatures of fresh product and making sure best before dates and codes are correct. We d butterball turkeys, presidents choice turkeys and an assrtment of smaller name brands. I was union steward three years as well. I gave it up last year due to time off in this anxiety disorder. I also won postings for lunch hour jobs and morning setup jobs so I get 9 to 10 hours a day.
The apartment is in a five story unit, but on the ground floor, with door outside. Perfect as I have arthistis in the winter and can't handle stairs. I also have thoracic outlet in left soulder and arm which bothers me in winter as well. Laundry on the inside coridor ten steps from my door appliances included and heat included. Even a Tim Hortons between the apartmen and work. It's two bedroom with storage room I plan to turn into office. I am buying furnitre brand new and leaving most behind. this is supposed to be a one year separation so I'll wait it out.