Just checking in to update, I've been over on the other PTSD forum quite a bit. Hippy said I was making exuses to not move and in a way she's right. I just don't think I cant handle going backward in life at this point. Even if it means emotional aleination on part of hubby. When I met him I was on welfare and still had my kids at home. We bought his 16 acres of beauty on the river, hadn't been touched in twenty five years, no house. We rebuilt the barn, hub sold his house in town, I lived in a really crappy apartment for a year and a half, my dad passed way and I was grieving and bearing through a work related shoulder injury that left my left arm an hand useless, my kids decided to give city life a shot and moved with my blessing, since I was in pain and grieving, in deep depression and pretty useless as a mother at that point, once they moved I came to the farm and we lived for a winter and better part of spring in our motorhome which was parked in the barn, .what an adventure that was. We started construction on the house in the following spring, things were good then and my shoulder injury was heaing and I was regaining the use of my arm, my mum became very i'll with the cancer so I spent lot of time driving to take care of her while hubby dealt with foundation contractors and hired a couple guys to help him frame. Just after we got the outside walls in and roof on, my mum passed away and I grieved hard for her, same time we were drywalling and hubs took major asthma attack, (Jan) couldn't be around the drywall or drywall dust at all, so once the boards were up and screwed I did all the taping, mudding, sanding and vacuuming, never ending vacuuming, during an asthma attack at hospital doctors discovered skin cancer on hubby's face and he had to have surgury to remove it in the spring. He was very depressed as they took about a two inch circle out of his cheek and left a nasty scar, his friends came to suport him and we had non stop company all through summer, that's the summer his friend went after me and I told everyone which made matters worse for me. And him very distant, my oldest son was prosecuted on criminal charges which didn't help at all either.
Thats when I snapped under the strain and had four months off work, and had the car accident. We both went through so much trying to build this home and it is beautifull, has georgeous veiws, keep up with the bills, trying get over his friends assaults on me andmy relapsing into PTSD. Yes we had alot of fights and I binged heavily during that time. Now with this last assault, I only told him, one other friend and my two sisters and one brother. The guy has not been back since and I don't think we'll see him again. I am finally recouperating and things are quiet, hubby still has lots to mental issues to work through on his own, so I am just giving him space, tried last week and this to share a bed with him as I am trying hard to make life seem normal, but he is dissasociating with me right now and I just feel really rejected at the moment so I am back in the spare room again, the weekend was so peacefull but as soon a hub got home there is that silent tension and fear back in the air. From both sides. So anyway I decided that I am going to try to stick it out for the winter here.
I paid up our taxes, and a long overdue electricity bill, even paid his insurance(most of it), have the house, clean laundry done, supper every night cooked and back to work tommorow. I have you guys to support me, I am working my way through the book on coping skills, and just giving hubs space for him to work out his stresses and coping skills.
Last night I asked if he wanted me in his bed or not, he just said do whatever you want I don't care... then went on this long dissassociative train of talk and laying blame on himself sayingI blamed him for everything, saying he doesn't know whats going to happen next and going into martyr mode, saying he wouldn't be able to play pool now cause of me and he'll just stay home. The went to the bedroom and pulled the blanket over his head so we wouldn't have to deal with me. I went in and sat on th egde of the bed and said quietly that I have never stopped him from anything he wanted to do, that these assaults affected us both greatly and sure made us both realize who our true friends were, that I was trying my best to recover and bring life back to normal and that we had both made a lot of mistakes, but I still loved him. I left and turned out the light and came back to the spare room here. He slept a while and the phone rang and it was his pool team calling him to come play, so I woke him up handed him the phone and came back to the spare room. I closed the door most of the way leaving room for the dog and cats to come snuggle. I heard him walk to the kitchen heard him leave to go play pool. He stayed out till after I was asleep and I did stay in here in the spare bed. This morning I heard him up getting ready for work, I sat in my office chair and could see him sitting on the couch. He saw me too, I was having my morning smoke and because of his asthma this is the only room I will smoke in, I have an air purifier in here too. He didn't speak to me nor I to him, and he left and is at work now.
I don't know why I feel the need to vent all this stuff maybe that's all it is a vent, I've been thinking about printing out some coping strategies for stress management and posting them around so he can see them too. He might read them, he might not, I don't know but I am going to keep healing and recovering whether he supports me or not. Craving beer a bit but not going to get any, I'm doing to good to give into cravings now. Take care today everybody