wordtank

I'm back. I thought I had it licked, but I'm back. Where to go from here, I don't know. I'm asking for some help, humbly. I have been here for a month or so, but have hesitated to ask for understanding.

I just want to be able to lead a normal life. I have good days, but they are too far and few behind for me to accept this life.

What advice do you folks have?

- tank

best

Your on the right start.

Dust off and make today a new day, as you start one day at a time to stay sober.
Take what you have learned and use it for today.
May want to look into some meetings. The support and infomation you can gain from them has helped so many before you find a way that works.

Soul Catcher

I agree, your trying and that's a big step. I believe the disease is like finding God. Just because you know he's out there doesn't mean you truely believe it. You have to have faith. That's why people like me are called "seekers". We are looking for the answers.
Like you with quitting drinking. You know you need to, you believe you probably can do it. Your seeking the answers and one day you will find it but you have to have faith you will. It doesn't happen over night. You need to learn about the disease and fight it. Don't look at the big picture. Start small with choices. For today don't take that sip and then move on to the next choice. You have learned a way of life and that's the "alcoholic" way. Now you need to learn how to live sober, like sober people do. You don't have to be like everyone else, you just have to live your way sober. It doesn't have to be dreadful and depressing and boring. It's all in the way you make it. Change the way you think by changing the way you drink. Ahhhh hahaha I rhymed. Good luck sweetie. Your a seeker and that's just fine

UrbanFool

I never stop trying.

I hope to God that I succeed. I SO remember how great of a person I was. I want to be that person again.

Kelly

laurie6781

Welcome back Tank!!!!!

First I have a questions for you. What did you mean when you said:

"I just want to be able to lead a normal life."

Does that normal life include alcohol???

And if it doesn't then all you need to concern yourself with is RIGHT NOW. When I first got sober I could not be concerned with "OMG I'll never be able to drink again." It was "I won't drink for the next 5 minutes." Then it was "I won't drink for the next hour." And pretty soon, "I just won't drink today."

It's been a lot of "One Days At A Time" since then, they do mount up. But, Tank, I didn't do it alone. I used at first just the fellowship of AA. Going to the meetings to meet other sober people that understood what I was going through.

Let me also add, that early on I had more "bad" days than "good" days. However, I have come to find out that If I do not have bad days now and then, I will not know when I am having good days. rofl And they did even out, well actually I have a lot more good days now than bad, but it takes time. Didn't magically happen overnight for this alkie.

There are also some meetings here on line, and knowing that you work and the time difference you probably could not attend the week night meetings except for friday and saturday night which would be saturday and sunday late morning early afternoon. So come join us, and check out AA in your area in Japan.

Not know if you have access to the Big Book of AA here is where you can read it on line:

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Please keep posting and let us know how your are doing.

Love and (((((to all))))),

KelKel

Welcome Back Tank...
Like Laurie, I can't think in broad terms like "I can never drink again, ever for the rest of my life." It just seems too overwhelming for me ... I have to think about right now today. Just for today I am not going to drink. It is more manageable for me.

Sometimes I have bad days where I literally go minute to minute, luckily those days are getting fewer and fewer.

Maybe a meeting here tonight would be helpful...

michski

I found that whenever I went out to do more research into my addictions that using and drinking just weren't any fun anymore.... WHY?? Cuz I knew better! Once your denial is gone, it's just not fun... I always know that I'll end up in the same head space,filled with self loathing and physically sick to boot.

Once you can wrap your head around something like that YOU will be able to accept the fact that it was fun and now it's not.

Congrats on the come back!!

CarolD

Welcome Home Tank!

brigid

Hi Tank, a saying that I love is, "the only normal people are the ones I haven't met yet". I think having good and bad days is pretty normal, I found that there were more good days over time. I had to often get my thinking around to a worse life to appreciate my present life. Stuff like, "I am not begging on the streets of India" ... "I am not addicted to heroin" ... "I do not have cancer" ... AND other things I tried to think about were my good points, "I am reasonably intelligent, physically coordinated, not totally ugly ...". Being grateful for what I have and imagining a worse world for myself helped me.

Then I just read this Groucho Marx thing "I've had a great evening, just wasn't this evening." (or words to that effect)

love brigid

Lively

One day at a time. It sounds so cliche' but it's true. In the past I dwelled too much about never being able to drink again. It was too overwhelming and I started feeling sorry for myself, telling myself there is no way I can do it... and then I couldn't do it.

This time it's different. I don't think beyond the day I'm in and I'm grateful every single day for having the strength to stay sober and be a good mom to my kids. A better mom, a better employee, a better friend, a better person in general. For ME that is everything and I never ever ever want to go back to how I felt before I got sober. One thing I really try to keep in mind is how GOOD I feel when I'm sober and remember how utterly miserable I felt when I was drinking. There are no pity parties for me anymore because I can't drink like a "normal" person.

I'm glad you're reaching out for help. Reach further than SR if you need to. You will never regret getting sober but you may very well forever regret NOT getting sober.

wordtank

One day, minute, second, etc., at a time. Thanks for the encouragement folks! Seems you are all giving me the same message.

Here's what I accomplished in the time since my original post. I did, indeed, find a happy medium between drinking every night and not drinking at all. Trouble is (here's a shocker), it became hard to maintain. I got myself through the first 2-3 days about 5 times - guess I kind of got "used" to it. The sleeplessness, bad dreams, sweats, etc., are gone (still). At least I broke the every night habit. And the decision not to drink is not at all a hard one to break. If I decide not to (usually on the way home), then I'm just fine.

The problem is is when I DO decide that one or two is okay for the night - turns into 5 or 6 (not 9 or 10 anymore).

So I DO feel better than I did half a year ago. I feel that if I WANT to, I can deal with all the situations UNLESS I have the first one around 9:30pm - that has a 100% given result - 5 or 6 beers later it's 2am and I'm thinking about going to the store to get ONE MORE and I go to sleep feeling that way.

And there are a few triggers that are hard to avoid, like the weekly chat over beer with a good coworker of mine every Wednesday, or Saturday night when I get off work early and don't have to work the next day, so my CONSCIOUS mind tells me, "what the heck, I don't have to work tomorrow, and I got nothing better to do". I CAN avoid these triggers, but they are a bit more challenging than the others.

So - I'm sure the majority of folks here would say I should quit flat out (and not think about the big picture), but I have learned in the past couple of months that life without booze is just as fun and interesting as life with it, which I honestly wasn't sure about for a few years, since I hadn't HAD much life without it. Well, it's still there, as I found out, and I'd like to experience a bit more of it!

Make any sense?

lulu70

Hey there, Tank. It is really good to see you.

I don't really have any great advice because I'm not really sure what you are asking. Do you want to quit drinking? I know I don't have any good advice for moderated drinking. I tried to do that for a very long time and was never successful. I got to where I didn't have to drink everyday, but when I did drink, it was off to the races. I can also tell you that for me, there is no comparison between life as a drunk and life sober. I still have problems, sure, but they are nothing compared to the mayhem in my life when I was drinking.

Anyway....mostly just wanted to let you know I am glad you are back. I hope you will stick around this time.

wordtank

Well, I have been around, just not posting. I read SR 3 or 4 times a week, but don't have anything to contribute because, yes, I am still going for moderation. Like I wrote, I have had some success. But there are nights (like last night) where I sit down and have 6 beers and wonder why I want the next one. Guess it's the same old story over and over again from everyone who tries what I am trying. My first step, I guess, was to realize that there IS enjoyment in life to be had without booze. I realized that. But I still believe that there is enjoyment to be had WITH it. I've had my share of booze related problems (the two DUIs), but I don't forsee any of THOSE problems any more (famous last words?).

I guess I just wanted to post here to say I'm around and still trying, just not getting as far ahead as I had hoped to by now and, perhaps, other people who are trying the same thing can read about what I've been going through and maybe that will help them make their own choices.

-tank

Dan

That was my thinking too, Tank, for the last five years of my drinking. I never did the DUI thing, only because of blind luck really. To this day, I can't think of what might have happened; what amount of grief I might have caused... For all intents, I might as well have driven with a blindfold some of those days and nights...

Anyway, there is indeed joy to be had in life when not drinking.
Took a long time to accept that. I kept trying to temper my joy with controlled drinking. Thought I was good at it too, for a couple years anyway.
In the end though, the following pattern became clearer; everytime I would have a moment of pause, much like you seem to be doing here, it inevitably was because I had reached a new level of feeling like I had been run over by a locomotive. I didn't notice it at the time, but yeah, there definitely was a progression happening.

Good to see you again, Tank.

brigid

see above

brigid

Sounds like me when I was giving up, I moderated first, found enjoyment in life like you, enjoyment that I started to value. The drinking was the biggest problem and I didn't want to forsake it altogether so I did moderate. Looking back the amount of effort was staggering, I would think about the fridge all night and talk myself out of the next drink again and again, but I felt pretty good about being able to do it.

Then I came crumbling down on a couple of occassions, did go the distance (to oblivion) and I found that drinking was a miserable experience that I no longer wanted. Too, I felt that unless I quit then the problem would not go away in my future. I know the AA philosophy is one day at a time, but for me, a lot of my motivation was my future and how I wanted it to be in a few years time, in 10 years time, in 20 years time ... See the next day thing and not caring about it is so me when I was drinking, I started to see past it and want to feel well the next day to do things.

It is great that you are slowing down on the alcohol consumption, keep posting,

love brigid

cooky

OK tank I have no understanding with 5 or 6 beers,moderation and all that.As far as DUI I went 27 yrs without 1(2beforethat) If you want to quit you need to change people places and things.I always thought I could controll what I was doing but it was the alcohol that was in controll not me.If you get to AA meetings and listen,don't speak you will learn alot.Besides AA will ruin your drinking.It will be with you forever.I AM A GRATEFULL RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC I COULD NOT IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT AA TODAY.If I would not have found AA I would not have found this way of life.(careing,giving loving responsible,helpfull). today I am a all around better guy.Not to say that alcohol does not enter my mind every once in awhile, after all I am a alcoholic.But today I have the tools to pass these thoughts out of my mind.The seed has been planted in you. Someday we will hear from you that you have quit for good.I,ll be praying for you.Remember your whole life must be changed.

GOD BLESS YOU
Bob

cooky

OK tank I have no understanding with 5 or 6 beers,moderation and all that.As far as DUI I went 27 yrs without 1(2beforethat) You can' change people places and things.I always thought I could controll what I was doing but it was the alcohol that was in controll not me.If you get to AA meetings and listen,don't speak you will learn alot.Besides AA will ruin your drinking.It will be with you forever.I AM A GRATEFULL RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC I COULD NOT IMAGINE LIFE WITHOUT AA TODAY.If I would not have found AA I would not have found this way of life.(careing,giving loving responsible,helpfull). today I am a all around better guy.Not to say that alcohol does not enter my mind every once in awhile, after all I am a alcoholic.But today I have the tools to pass these thoughts out of my mind.The seed has been planted in you. Someday we will hear from you that you have quit for good.I,ll be praying for you.Remember your whole life must be changed.

GOD BLESS YOU
Bob

wordtank

Thanks for all the posts! The advice is very good, and I have been here every day reading, just not writing.

I have two observations tonight.

I drink to avoid NOT taking an hour to fall asleep. I'm mostly "addicted" to making the transition from laying down in bed to the sleep time less than an hour. I have a hard time sleeping. I THINK I always have, but it's hard to recall. I know that when I was in High School, the transition was not as difficult, but in college I didn't like going to bed because I liked talking to my classmates about our studies, and I developed a habit of staying up late and then getting up early. As I've grown older, those debates are no longer there, but the inability to fall asleep has continued. Interesting, me thinks. ^_^

The other is that I have things I WANT to do now, but drinking interferes with them. During the day, I am fine - there is no desire to drink at all. When I'm at work, I am fine, but as soon as I get home, regardless of what I WANT to do - well... my pattern is in place. I want to make sure I can fall asleep without tossing and turning, so I start the beer (recently as late as I can and after a decent meal - usually 11pm or so) so I can get to bed at a "decent" hour which, for me, is 2 or 3am. But the amount is too much. I know that.

And, the cycle continues, because after 5 or 6 drinks, I cannot wake up in the morning well. The hangovers are gone, but I still cannot motivate myself to get up.

I want to USE the time I have during the day to do what I want to do, but I have obligations, which I fulfill just fine. I go to work and do my job and I get home without that beer on the train, but I get stuck once I am AT home now.

Still trying to change that habit. It's not easy, for those of you that are trying to control your drinking, this is what I am going through, and I expect anyone will experience the same thing.

Anyway - my two cents for tonight.

Sorry for not writing back sooner, but it has been a busy week.

later,
-tank

Dan

There are many other sleep aids aside from beer, Tank.
I'm sure you know that.
While drinking though, do you still enjoy the buzz?
And do you find it gets harder to get there, as the years go by?
Just curious.