O Well?
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hello Village!
I'm permitted to use the computer here at the beautiful rehab (and it truly is beautiful) periodically for 30 minutes at a time. This is my first chance, so I ran right over here to chat a bit with (at?) you.
I spent 15 minutes trying to do a taxonomy (is that the right word?) on my previous thread but I gave up and decided to just write instead. I may contradict something I said earlier, but I guess the chips will fall where they may (and please be sure to pick up after yourself, Cow!).
So I here's what I know happened: I started drinking on that Friday and kept on going. It knocked me completely sideways because I really thought I'd figured out my trigger and was doing an excellent job with my synthesized recovery program. I mean, I did. I was working hard, doing all the right stuff and when I "found" myself drinking again, I couldn't believe it. I mean, obviously I could believe it, but there it was and it was bad and it seemed to be related to nothing in particular. So yeah, anyhow, I finally hit my own panic button and got an AA friend to drive me up to rehab.
(Insert interesting and frustrating stories of admission here - perhaps to be filled in later, perhaps not.)
What I think happened: same story as the previous three relapses, different twist. By which I mean, I think I still understand the "why" of the relapsing, which is quite a relief.
So I'm literally about to run out of time on this machine, but I'll be back later to tell you more.
Love you all
I'm permitted to use the computer here at the beautiful rehab (and it truly is beautiful) periodically for 30 minutes at a time. This is my first chance, so I ran right over here to chat a bit with (at?) you.
I spent 15 minutes trying to do a taxonomy (is that the right word?) on my previous thread but I gave up and decided to just write instead. I may contradict something I said earlier, but I guess the chips will fall where they may (and please be sure to pick up after yourself, Cow!).
So I here's what I know happened: I started drinking on that Friday and kept on going. It knocked me completely sideways because I really thought I'd figured out my trigger and was doing an excellent job with my synthesized recovery program. I mean, I did. I was working hard, doing all the right stuff and when I "found" myself drinking again, I couldn't believe it. I mean, obviously I could believe it, but there it was and it was bad and it seemed to be related to nothing in particular. So yeah, anyhow, I finally hit my own panic button and got an AA friend to drive me up to rehab.
(Insert interesting and frustrating stories of admission here - perhaps to be filled in later, perhaps not.)
What I think happened: same story as the previous three relapses, different twist. By which I mean, I think I still understand the "why" of the relapsing, which is quite a relief.
So I'm literally about to run out of time on this machine, but I'll be back later to tell you more.
Love you all
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
This relapse really did come out of the blue. I can only imagine how flummoxed you felt by it all. I’m so happy you went to rehab so you can get some help figuring out how to make this stick. You’re a badass who just keeps fighting, that’s how I know you’ll be ok.
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Whew! Yay! Okay don't be mad, but I was kinda worried you didn't really go and have just been hiding out. ...Sorry, but, ya know, we alcoholics can be sneaky!
Awesome you hit your panic button. That is what it is for. (Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!!) You sound, darest I say, happy to be there?
I will try not to clutter your thread with chips and pies.
Awesome you hit your panic button. That is what it is for. (Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!!) You sound, darest I say, happy to be there?
I will try not to clutter your thread with chips and pies.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
"but there it was and it was bad and it seemed to be related to nothing in particular. "
"same story as the previous three relapses, different twist. By which I mean, I think I still understand the "why" of the relapsing, which is quite a relief."
these are interesting statements.
i had nothing but difficulty and incomprehension with the "seemingly related to nothing" concept, and wanted desperately to be able to know the "why" of all my returns to drinking.
for me, there is a real distinction between the "why" and whatever might be a "trigger" at any given moment.
i'm not sure i am putting this in an understandable way. my returns to drinking were, in fact, ultimately related to nothing.
meaning that i couldn't pin them on anything from past, present. "alcoholism" sounded, and still does, like such a bizarre explanation. so ill-defined. i wanted a "real reason". a concrete answer to the "why". so that i could then eliminate the cause, or at least mitigate its impact.
i find myself wondering about this with regards to how you are grappling with this.
"same story as the previous three relapses, different twist. By which I mean, I think I still understand the "why" of the relapsing, which is quite a relief."
these are interesting statements.
i had nothing but difficulty and incomprehension with the "seemingly related to nothing" concept, and wanted desperately to be able to know the "why" of all my returns to drinking.
for me, there is a real distinction between the "why" and whatever might be a "trigger" at any given moment.
i'm not sure i am putting this in an understandable way. my returns to drinking were, in fact, ultimately related to nothing.
meaning that i couldn't pin them on anything from past, present. "alcoholism" sounded, and still does, like such a bizarre explanation. so ill-defined. i wanted a "real reason". a concrete answer to the "why". so that i could then eliminate the cause, or at least mitigate its impact.
i find myself wondering about this with regards to how you are grappling with this.
Woe is Moo.
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I always had "reasons" to relapse, but the deeper truth was, I just drank cuz I wanted to. It was hard to admit to myself just how little fortitude and strength of will I had. If I wanted it, I was gonna do it. I found I had to approach sobriety from the want side of the equation, versus the willpower side.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Cow 
I always had "reasons" to relapse, but the deeper truth was, I just drank cuz I wanted to. It was hard to admit to myself just how little fortitude and strength of will I had. If I wanted it, I was gonna do it. I found I had to approach sobriety from the want side of the equation, versus the willpower side.
I am such a disinhibited person in general. In the last couple years I would have totally returned to it if I still wanted it. I wasn’t “strong” or “evolved” or “recovered.” I just didn’t want to go back to it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Cow -- amazing as usual.
My added twist is that I still want to have a drink sometimes, and I deny that at my peril. But what I WANT is impossible because it never existed - I never had a drink in my life - so I want an illusion. So I need to remind myself of that instead of pretending I dont want it.
I know I should not want it, because as a rational person I know what happens. But our addiction tries to convince us that the impossible exists.
My power lies in not believing my addiction because I do NOT want the way I drink ever again.
The key to not relapsing for me is in that time between wanting and doing to remind myself that I really dont want to the reality of my drinking. My guru therappist says that in that moment we need to do something that breaks the thoughts - like twirling aound three times, which really helps.
O, if you read this, I hope that your folks are focused on avoiding relapse. You have a lot of tools, but not the key to that kingdom for YOU.
Love you all.
My added twist is that I still want to have a drink sometimes, and I deny that at my peril. But what I WANT is impossible because it never existed - I never had a drink in my life - so I want an illusion. So I need to remind myself of that instead of pretending I dont want it.
I know I should not want it, because as a rational person I know what happens. But our addiction tries to convince us that the impossible exists.
My power lies in not believing my addiction because I do NOT want the way I drink ever again.
The key to not relapsing for me is in that time between wanting and doing to remind myself that I really dont want to the reality of my drinking. My guru therappist says that in that moment we need to do something that breaks the thoughts - like twirling aound three times, which really helps.
O, if you read this, I hope that your folks are focused on avoiding relapse. You have a lot of tools, but not the key to that kingdom for YOU.
Love you all.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey everybody!
So as you know, I have only 30 minutes to chat, but my counselor told me she'll try to get me in this computer room as often as she can because I told her that posting is an important part of my program.
I get what you're saying, fini, and I totally respect that for you. And for many many other people with our affliction. All I can say is that I'm confident that I'm still "getting it." I just was knocked sideways because I couldn't figure it out. I had to get dry first.
So the "what" of what happened is that I sent an email to that EMDR counselor asking her when we could set up our first appointment. Within days (or a day, I don't know yet, needs a forensic autopsy which I don't have time to do right now given the limited time I have on the computer) of sending that email, I "found" myself drinking again. With seemingly no reason. Which freaked me out, so I pulled the trigger and got an AA friend to drive me up here. Dear man. We barely speak, but he watches out for me in a very unobtrusive way.
So now I know. Even though "I" thought I was fine and psyched and ready to do this EMDR stuff, my 10-year old brain and/or the beast were scared shtlss.
Same story, different day: my biggest fears are not having control and not having a voice. I just didn't realize or recognize that scheduling an appointment to deal with this would send me into a tailspin.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I promise you, I did not "want" to drink. Confusing? Not to me but I understand if you don't understand.
Many good things have happened here, and many challenging things as well. As it turns out, these are pretty much one and the same though it didn't feel that way at the time. More of this story will be revealed when I have the time and if I have the inclination.
But the most important, most fantastic thing is that when I woke up this morning, my mojo was back. I felt enormous gratitude to my higher power for just Being. I watched a beautiful sunrise over the bay. Thoughts and ideas and analogies were coming so fast that I couldn't keep up with them, so I decided to stop trying and just enjoy. I feel Back. I honestly think I could go home now, but the girls are coming to visit tomorrow and I'm pretty sure when I consult with them they will want me to stay.
I'm gonna quick post this in case the computer logs me out, which it does automatically, but do want to give you.... I don't know, I guess a sense of what it is that I'm talking about.
xo
Editorial note: Usual careful composition lacking due to lack of time.
So as you know, I have only 30 minutes to chat, but my counselor told me she'll try to get me in this computer room as often as she can because I told her that posting is an important part of my program.
I get what you're saying, fini, and I totally respect that for you. And for many many other people with our affliction. All I can say is that I'm confident that I'm still "getting it." I just was knocked sideways because I couldn't figure it out. I had to get dry first.
So the "what" of what happened is that I sent an email to that EMDR counselor asking her when we could set up our first appointment. Within days (or a day, I don't know yet, needs a forensic autopsy which I don't have time to do right now given the limited time I have on the computer) of sending that email, I "found" myself drinking again. With seemingly no reason. Which freaked me out, so I pulled the trigger and got an AA friend to drive me up here. Dear man. We barely speak, but he watches out for me in a very unobtrusive way.
So now I know. Even though "I" thought I was fine and psyched and ready to do this EMDR stuff, my 10-year old brain and/or the beast were scared shtlss.
Same story, different day: my biggest fears are not having control and not having a voice. I just didn't realize or recognize that scheduling an appointment to deal with this would send me into a tailspin.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
I promise you, I did not "want" to drink. Confusing? Not to me but I understand if you don't understand.
Many good things have happened here, and many challenging things as well. As it turns out, these are pretty much one and the same though it didn't feel that way at the time. More of this story will be revealed when I have the time and if I have the inclination.
But the most important, most fantastic thing is that when I woke up this morning, my mojo was back. I felt enormous gratitude to my higher power for just Being. I watched a beautiful sunrise over the bay. Thoughts and ideas and analogies were coming so fast that I couldn't keep up with them, so I decided to stop trying and just enjoy. I feel Back. I honestly think I could go home now, but the girls are coming to visit tomorrow and I'm pretty sure when I consult with them they will want me to stay.
I'm gonna quick post this in case the computer logs me out, which it does automatically, but do want to give you.... I don't know, I guess a sense of what it is that I'm talking about.
xo
Editorial note: Usual careful composition lacking due to lack of time.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thank you all so very much for being here - I should have said that in my first post.
Ok, so for instance
- I noticed the bruise on my thigh is still sore but it's healing. As am I.
- I realize that God is truly with me all the time, but I lost the connection. This morning I wrote down the phrase, "relax into God." Doesn't that sound nice? Does to me. btw, I sometimes refer in my writing/mind to God as MotherFather.
-I realize this thing, this being me thing, this sobriety thing is not a test and I've sort of been acting like it is, and I need to get the best grade. That's off. I need to do this the O way with help from all of the brilliant people that are willing to help me.
Ok, so for instance
- I noticed the bruise on my thigh is still sore but it's healing. As am I.
- I realize that God is truly with me all the time, but I lost the connection. This morning I wrote down the phrase, "relax into God." Doesn't that sound nice? Does to me. btw, I sometimes refer in my writing/mind to God as MotherFather.
-I realize this thing, this being me thing, this sobriety thing is not a test and I've sort of been acting like it is, and I need to get the best grade. That's off. I need to do this the O way with help from all of the brilliant people that are willing to help me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Obladi
I promise you, I did not "want" to drink. Confusing? Not to me but I understand if you don't understand.
You’ve got this this time. I’m sure of it. 💛
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
While abuse may not be the "reason" we're alcoholics, it is part of what the AV has to hold against us and our inner child should/cannot be continuously ignored or dismissed.
That said, I really haven't started working on any of this deeper stuff until over 2 years.. as just not drinking was overwhelming enough in the beginning. So I'm not claiming to know the "right" way or timeline of doing things.. but I think you're wise to recognize what was happening internally for you after setting up that appointment.
I've very recently found a program relating simultaneously to abuse and addiction and made a thread about it.. I've barely just started it but will share more insights here as I move along if I find any that are relevant.
Anyway it's great to hear you're doing well O and have gotten your mojo back..
That said, I really haven't started working on any of this deeper stuff until over 2 years.. as just not drinking was overwhelming enough in the beginning. So I'm not claiming to know the "right" way or timeline of doing things.. but I think you're wise to recognize what was happening internally for you after setting up that appointment.
I've very recently found a program relating simultaneously to abuse and addiction and made a thread about it.. I've barely just started it but will share more insights here as I move along if I find any that are relevant.
Anyway it's great to hear you're doing well O and have gotten your mojo back..
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