the day after my last drunk my (by then ex) fiancé tossed me to the curb. that's what it took for me to get out of denial and accept that alcohol was the common denominator in all my problems.
I was crushed, but wanted to do something about it- not just stop drinking, but find out why I was who I was. i did have the hope that by stopping drinking, learning about me, and changing who i was she would accept me back, but my #1 reason was for me- i hated me and everything about me. i really had to fight off the thought of doing it for her. too many times in my past i stopped drinking for people,places and things and ended up drunk again- longest i ever stayed sober before was about a month doing it that way.
i didn't want to hate me or be me any more.
i found myself at an AA meeting. got the big book and started working the program. i learned causes and conditions for who i was, learned what made me tick, and how to change. had to miracles happen:
1) the problem with alcohol was removed.
2) i stopped hating myself and started loving me.
we didn't get back together, but im ok with that. im ok with who i am today.
you will get better,mester, iffen ya do it for you.
youre not a bad man, just a sick one and there IS a solution.