At the end of my rope
What help do you need now to get yourself pointed in a comfortable direction?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by sleepie 
Sigh... all I can think is "I got what I deserved"... for being weak. For being stupid. For not being perfect in sobriety, for being depressed, anxious... for being unable to muster even a false "positive" persona as I have had to IRL so many times. For not jumping into a perfect diet and exercise routine from the get-go...
Surely I am being punished for all of it.
I did it all wrong. Like I always have.
Surely I am being punished for all of it.
I did it all wrong. Like I always have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Again blown off by the nurse practitioner, which makes for a full week of never getting back to me, and now I am exactly where I didn't want to be which is waiting the whole damn weekend. Health care here SUCKS, and that's what you get when your own hard earned money pays for it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
It is always like this for me. I have another place I have been trying for literally 7 months to get health info from their archives- they had it, lost it- then shuffled it and lost it again. Going on since March. Again I just do not get it. I never, ever would have been able to keep my job if I ever did anything like that or even anything close to it. It is appalling, and on top of it they will even cop an attitude if you get upset. Seven. Months. I have been waiting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Originally Posted by sleepie
It is always like this for me. I have another place I have been trying for literally 7 months to get health info from their archives- they had it, lost it- then shuffled it and lost it again. Going on since March. Again I just do not get it. I never, ever would have been able to keep my job if I ever did anything like that or even anything close to it. It is appalling, and on top of it they will even cop an attitude if you get upset. Seven. Months. I have been waiting.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
I like your new avatar, sleepie.
These dreadful 10 months aren't your fault. From what I hear, a benzo addiction is one of the hardest to recover from. That plus alcohol and no wonder you feel like crap.
And re the thought that you didn't exercise, control your diet, do enough "peeling back the onion", etc. -- in your case I think you've done just fine.
We each have our own way to recovery -- those of us who are determined, and I count you as one. I most often think of recovery as personal learning, & I believe in *readiness* for each progressive stage of learning. It's the baby steps approach
Some steps are too big at one time, but manageable later.
Not everyone believes in readiness -- some people think you should act and the action will make the learning happen. I hold that without readiness, either the learner will fail or will learn in maladaptive ways.
(This is just basic constructivism for anyone who cares.)
The challenge is keeping channels open for learning opportunities so that when you *are* ready, you can find them.
sleepie, you do that with SR. It sounds like you do that with reading. I'd be so happy if you told me you were making drawing a regular part of your day.
btw, have you ever done an art meet-up in Chicago? There must be someplace in that city where people like you just hang around for one another.
These dreadful 10 months aren't your fault. From what I hear, a benzo addiction is one of the hardest to recover from. That plus alcohol and no wonder you feel like crap.
And re the thought that you didn't exercise, control your diet, do enough "peeling back the onion", etc. -- in your case I think you've done just fine.
We each have our own way to recovery -- those of us who are determined, and I count you as one. I most often think of recovery as personal learning, & I believe in *readiness* for each progressive stage of learning. It's the baby steps approach
Some steps are too big at one time, but manageable later. Not everyone believes in readiness -- some people think you should act and the action will make the learning happen. I hold that without readiness, either the learner will fail or will learn in maladaptive ways.
(This is just basic constructivism for anyone who cares.)
The challenge is keeping channels open for learning opportunities so that when you *are* ready, you can find them.
sleepie, you do that with SR. It sounds like you do that with reading. I'd be so happy if you told me you were making drawing a regular part of your day.
btw, have you ever done an art meet-up in Chicago? There must be someplace in that city where people like you just hang around for one another.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Georgia
Posts: 711
Oh Sleepie, I am sorry you are having all these problems. You don't deserve them, you deserve much better than life is giving you at the moment. (((Sleepie)))
I am thinking of you and hoping you get your test info right away.
Croutie
I am thinking of you and hoping you get your test info right away.
Croutie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Another week of waiting for more results. I wish that I could go back go the thing that gave me relief from this god awful hair pulling disorder but that was also benzos. I suppose I am to be a bald, nervous wreck. I had near agoraphobia this winter being so ashamed of my appearance. It's very depressing and anxiety inducing. It's not living and I hate it. I had all manner of things to cover my head for years. An entire life of it.
Day in the sun... Brief period of normalcy, will I ever have this...
Day in the sun... Brief period of normalcy, will I ever have this...
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
I seem to remember you had a day, maybe the day of your 10 month milestone? when you had kind of an ok day. I'll look for the post & maybe link back so you can see it.
It can happen. It can happen more often.
It can happen. It can happen more often.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
sleepie, you are a beautiful woman.
You have trouble accepting that.
I wish we were near. I would crawl through broken glass for you. Stop hating yourself and start celebrating yourself.
You have trouble accepting that.
I wish we were near. I would crawl through broken glass for you. Stop hating yourself and start celebrating yourself.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
