Today is Another Day
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Day 35; time to look alive.
Another lazy weekend was had, but with some tangible outcomes.
Laundry is done, bills are all paid, I ordered some stuff from Amazon including tax software, and made some inroads on my room. Closet cleaning still awaits, but the vanity is clean and the path is clear.
It's really quite amazing how many things there are to be done before I start my day. Small wonder that I was feeling down when drinking; I really dislike having things hanging over my head.
More on that motivation thing...
What I said previously is that I envied people who had that internal "I'm doing this for me" thing going on. That somehow got switched around to "how is it going with that internal motivation?" It occurs to me this morning that these are not exclusive concepts. My internal motivation isn't about doing this for me "because I'm worth it," it's true. But it is about me feeling like I am better than that. Like... I'm here and it's my role to be a whole person in this world.
I think FreshStart makes the point that not drinking is a moral choice for some of us. I think I get that now.
Another lazy weekend was had, but with some tangible outcomes.
Laundry is done, bills are all paid, I ordered some stuff from Amazon including tax software, and made some inroads on my room. Closet cleaning still awaits, but the vanity is clean and the path is clear.
It's really quite amazing how many things there are to be done before I start my day. Small wonder that I was feeling down when drinking; I really dislike having things hanging over my head.
More on that motivation thing...
What I said previously is that I envied people who had that internal "I'm doing this for me" thing going on. That somehow got switched around to "how is it going with that internal motivation?" It occurs to me this morning that these are not exclusive concepts. My internal motivation isn't about doing this for me "because I'm worth it," it's true. But it is about me feeling like I am better than that. Like... I'm here and it's my role to be a whole person in this world.
I think FreshStart makes the point that not drinking is a moral choice for some of us. I think I get that now.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
i'm not doing it for me. i'm doing it because of me.
don't expect me to explain how i mean that. it just popped into my head right now. though it's nothing new, really.
i just couldn't be that anymore.
well, there!
that's all cleared up now!
what you say, Obladi, about it being your role to be a whole person...wanting to be a whole person, wanting and needing that so desperately, and seeing that i wasn't, that i couldn't be while staying where i was, THAT was the clarity that made me stop.
don't expect me to explain how i mean that. it just popped into my head right now. though it's nothing new, really.
i just couldn't be that anymore.
well, there!
that's all cleared up now!
what you say, Obladi, about it being your role to be a whole person...wanting to be a whole person, wanting and needing that so desperately, and seeing that i wasn't, that i couldn't be while staying where i was, THAT was the clarity that made me stop.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Getting a new doctor is on the list, but not actively yet, thanks for the prod Dropsie.
And might I say that you just added another tear to my eye with adopting that paraphrased Robby-ism as your tagline? I might need to take that one when you're done with it, but it's quite happily on loan to anyone who wants it.
And might I say that you just added another tear to my eye with adopting that paraphrased Robby-ism as your tagline? I might need to take that one when you're done with it, but it's quite happily on loan to anyone who wants it.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm a bargain hunter!
This is a guilty pleasure I had almost forgotten and was suddenly stirred by the thought today of post-Valentine's Day foraging. As I was working from home, I took off around 2pm for said hunting and scored! Three dozen roses in various hues to share with my in-residence kids at $4/dozen. I got the red. A huge Whitman's Valentine and a bag of Lindor truffles at a steal, an 8" chocolate chip cookie for $2 and a dozen frosted sugar cookies for $1.
Looks like the sweet tooth kicked in just when I was thinking I was in the clear! Good thing I'm one of those "If I have it I don't need it" kind of gals - at least with sugar.
Interestingly but perhaps predictably the booze-hound was triggered by the thrill of the bargain. I recognized it, drove myself back on home and took an Antabuse in front of the middle daughter. This was a two-fer as she may just have been wondering if I'd been buying Vodka in the midst of my travels.
All in all, it was a thoroughly enjoyable day which I will now top off by cooking my bargain steak purchased yesterday.
This is a guilty pleasure I had almost forgotten and was suddenly stirred by the thought today of post-Valentine's Day foraging. As I was working from home, I took off around 2pm for said hunting and scored! Three dozen roses in various hues to share with my in-residence kids at $4/dozen. I got the red. A huge Whitman's Valentine and a bag of Lindor truffles at a steal, an 8" chocolate chip cookie for $2 and a dozen frosted sugar cookies for $1.
Looks like the sweet tooth kicked in just when I was thinking I was in the clear! Good thing I'm one of those "If I have it I don't need it" kind of gals - at least with sugar.
Interestingly but perhaps predictably the booze-hound was triggered by the thrill of the bargain. I recognized it, drove myself back on home and took an Antabuse in front of the middle daughter. This was a two-fer as she may just have been wondering if I'd been buying Vodka in the midst of my travels.
All in all, it was a thoroughly enjoyable day which I will now top off by cooking my bargain steak purchased yesterday.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I got all excited at Rite Aid when I saw candy at RIDICULOUS clearance prices marked in red on the shelf. It should have occurred to my brain that Easter has not yet happened, but it didn't; my Bargain Brain was thinking they had Easter candy a bit beyond what was reasonable, but hey it was a great price! I was all set to stock the office coffers up for a month.
Fortunately I registered before reaching the register that the price I was all excited about was the per ounce price! Silly old bear.
Fortunately I registered before reaching the register that the price I was all excited about was the per ounce price! Silly old bear.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Motto for Today just for Walbeforerun:
Day 36: Mox Nix
The way my mother said "mox nix" was rather defeatist, or at least I heard it that way. As in, "why bother?" On my better days, it seems to be as good a sentiment as "it is what it is" or "baby steps," both of which I detested when I was younger. I'm still an idealist and would dearly love to make sweeping change with my special super powers, but with age have come to accept that mostly those can be applied only to myself and within my small circle. As for the things I can't change? It's probably best to try to channel that energy appropriately. The trick is finding out what qualifies as appropriate.
Had a really good sleep and woke without a headache. What's that? Twice within a week, I think? Let's hope it's a trend.
I'm scheduled to be driving to DC today for a site visit which was going to be ok despite freezing rain; the temperature was supposed to be 40 degrees by midnight. Woke at 5am to find that it has indeed been raining ice all night and the temp is 29. Nope, not going anywhere for awhile. In my youth, I would have been the hero and gone regardless of risk. When there is nothing to be heroic about, really. It's not like I'm in the business of saving lives. (Directly.)
Mox nix.
Aging ain't all bad.
Day 36: Mox Nix
Urban Dictionary
mox nix. An American spelling of the German expression "macht nichts" which means roughly, "it makes no difference."
mox nix. An American spelling of the German expression "macht nichts" which means roughly, "it makes no difference."
The way my mother said "mox nix" was rather defeatist, or at least I heard it that way. As in, "why bother?" On my better days, it seems to be as good a sentiment as "it is what it is" or "baby steps," both of which I detested when I was younger. I'm still an idealist and would dearly love to make sweeping change with my special super powers, but with age have come to accept that mostly those can be applied only to myself and within my small circle. As for the things I can't change? It's probably best to try to channel that energy appropriately. The trick is finding out what qualifies as appropriate.
Had a really good sleep and woke without a headache. What's that? Twice within a week, I think? Let's hope it's a trend.
I'm scheduled to be driving to DC today for a site visit which was going to be ok despite freezing rain; the temperature was supposed to be 40 degrees by midnight. Woke at 5am to find that it has indeed been raining ice all night and the temp is 29. Nope, not going anywhere for awhile. In my youth, I would have been the hero and gone regardless of risk. When there is nothing to be heroic about, really. It's not like I'm in the business of saving lives. (Directly.)
Mox nix.
Aging ain't all bad.
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Thanks O. The German language seems to have a lot of colorful phrases. I like that one. Understanding that Macht typically means to make and assuming nichts means nothing, I get the gist of it. Interesting.
But to your comment about headaches. You had two mornings that you woke with no headache and think that is great? I could see if you are drinking heavily that you might expect to wake up with a head ache but being sober, why do you expect to wake up with a head ache?
I confess that I only recently started reading your thread, so maybe you already explained this but this is not good. Even if you only had one head ache but had one every week, that would not be good. Why is this acceptable to you?
But to your comment about headaches. You had two mornings that you woke with no headache and think that is great? I could see if you are drinking heavily that you might expect to wake up with a head ache but being sober, why do you expect to wake up with a head ache?
I confess that I only recently started reading your thread, so maybe you already explained this but this is not good. Even if you only had one head ache but had one every week, that would not be good. Why is this acceptable to you?
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Walk, my theory is that perhaps the headache is from the Antabuse. That may or my not be, but it may be telling that I skipped doses Sat-Mon. Might be worth tracking. Or it might just be the way it is for me.
In my family, headaches are a routine thing.
My mom wakes with a headache every single day.
My dad had chronic headaches.
When we asked Grandma how she was doing and her response was "I have a headache," the appropriate reply was, "Good!" Strangely enough, lack of a headache for Grandma meant she was probably going off into the deep blue sea of some place from where only ECT could retrieve her.
So I feel fortunate that it's usually a 30-minute thing that goes away for the balance of the day. (I used to have them all day long but getting divorced seemed to resolve that.)
In my family, headaches are a routine thing.
My mom wakes with a headache every single day.
My dad had chronic headaches.
When we asked Grandma how she was doing and her response was "I have a headache," the appropriate reply was, "Good!" Strangely enough, lack of a headache for Grandma meant she was probably going off into the deep blue sea of some place from where only ECT could retrieve her.
So I feel fortunate that it's usually a 30-minute thing that goes away for the balance of the day. (I used to have them all day long but getting divorced seemed to resolve that.)
Omnivore
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Winter Water Wonder Land
Posts: 516
Originally Posted by Obladi 
So I feel fortunate that it's usually a 30-minute thing that goes away for the balance of the day. (I used to have them all day long but getting divorced seemed to resolve that.)
Kind of the opposite for me. I used to have migraines. The kind where I would have to go lay motionless in a dark room in the fetal position for hours on end. It did not end the migraine but it kept it from getting worse. I did not have them every day but several times a year. Some times in clusters of three or four in one month.
Then I met my wife. I was eating pretty much just meat and potatoes when we met. She got me to have salad and other healthy stuff, with my meat and potatoes. My migraines went away. Completely. I have not had one in over 15 years now.
Did you start having the head aches when you started Antabuse? If so I'd agree that that could be the cause. If not you should talk to a good doctor about it. I know right now you are not happy with the doc you have. Keep looking. You should not accept mediocre in your doc and you should not accept a routine head ache, unless you know the cause and can't avoid it. Like it is the side effect of an Rx you need. Or a husband you want to keep.
Life Goes On
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
When oh when will I learn to paste to notepad before I hit "post?"
Ok so this is important to me, so here goes again...
Walk, I think the headaches are hereditary. Been prone to them as long as I can remember. But sure I can ask the hypothetical new physician about them. Couldn't hurt.
Discussion tonight was in great part about unexpected disappointments. One of the guys went to the DMV hoping he'd get his license reinstated. They said sorry the rules are the rules and even though you are about to complete this 8-week program (a) it's not done yet and (b) it hasn't been 90 days yet. He talked about this a couple of times and the second time wound up with "I can't understand why I was so disappointed? Is it my disease?" I responded, "No, it's the DMV." Laughs all around but I don't think our counselor/facilitator found it too funny because she said, "Yes, it's the addicted brain. You have patterns that need to be changed and that's what recovery is all about."
I said, "I don't necessarily agree that being upset after going to the DMV has anything at all to do with 'the addicted brain.' I stopped drinking and that removes something bad from my life. But that doesn't mean other bad things won't happen, like having to deal with the DMV. Life is going to continue happening whether I drink or not. It's just a good thing that I stopped drinking, regardless of those other things."
You know, I like this group. I like going because I hear what other people have to say, I gain insights, and it's been a particularly effective method to arrest my drinking. What I don't like today (or yesterday or maybe ever) is hearing people refer to "their addiction" as if it was a genetic character flaw. Like, I have this gene of addiction and it causes me to drink and also causes me to have these overwhelming feelings that I just can't figure out or handle. I rather think it's the opposite: I never learned how to cope adequately, therefore I drank. So since I stopped drinking, I'm going to need to learn how to deal with life.
I'm not saying there isn't a genetic component for addiction. Looking at my family, I'd say there's a pretty strong argument to be made that there probably is. But extrapolating from there to "therefore I must be fundamentally and uniquely flawed in other ways" doesn't sit right with me.
I've got three more weeks to go to finish IOP. I'll do it because it's good for me and because I made a commitment to my kids. And I'm sure it will continue to help me think through things. I might even check out a few of the continuing care meetings after that's done. Perhaps the atmosphere will be a little less... I don't know? Clinical? AA-ish? I realize I might sound fed up. I'm not. I'm just a little bit this side of "done" with people directing/counseling me on how I should think and (seeming to) define every problem as related to my "disease."
Well would you look at that?
It's only 11pm and I'm wrapping up the evening.
There's something to be said for starting the day at 5am.
Ok so this is important to me, so here goes again...
Walk, I think the headaches are hereditary. Been prone to them as long as I can remember. But sure I can ask the hypothetical new physician about them. Couldn't hurt.
Discussion tonight was in great part about unexpected disappointments. One of the guys went to the DMV hoping he'd get his license reinstated. They said sorry the rules are the rules and even though you are about to complete this 8-week program (a) it's not done yet and (b) it hasn't been 90 days yet. He talked about this a couple of times and the second time wound up with "I can't understand why I was so disappointed? Is it my disease?" I responded, "No, it's the DMV." Laughs all around but I don't think our counselor/facilitator found it too funny because she said, "Yes, it's the addicted brain. You have patterns that need to be changed and that's what recovery is all about."
I said, "I don't necessarily agree that being upset after going to the DMV has anything at all to do with 'the addicted brain.' I stopped drinking and that removes something bad from my life. But that doesn't mean other bad things won't happen, like having to deal with the DMV. Life is going to continue happening whether I drink or not. It's just a good thing that I stopped drinking, regardless of those other things."
You know, I like this group. I like going because I hear what other people have to say, I gain insights, and it's been a particularly effective method to arrest my drinking. What I don't like today (or yesterday or maybe ever) is hearing people refer to "their addiction" as if it was a genetic character flaw. Like, I have this gene of addiction and it causes me to drink and also causes me to have these overwhelming feelings that I just can't figure out or handle. I rather think it's the opposite: I never learned how to cope adequately, therefore I drank. So since I stopped drinking, I'm going to need to learn how to deal with life.
I'm not saying there isn't a genetic component for addiction. Looking at my family, I'd say there's a pretty strong argument to be made that there probably is. But extrapolating from there to "therefore I must be fundamentally and uniquely flawed in other ways" doesn't sit right with me.
I've got three more weeks to go to finish IOP. I'll do it because it's good for me and because I made a commitment to my kids. And I'm sure it will continue to help me think through things. I might even check out a few of the continuing care meetings after that's done. Perhaps the atmosphere will be a little less... I don't know? Clinical? AA-ish? I realize I might sound fed up. I'm not. I'm just a little bit this side of "done" with people directing/counseling me on how I should think and (seeming to) define every problem as related to my "disease."
Well would you look at that?
It's only 11pm and I'm wrapping up the evening.
There's something to be said for starting the day at 5am.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Hi, Obladi! Haven't checked in here with you in a few days. Glad to see you're still kickin'. (A**, that is.)
I could not agree more with your post above. I find there's a strong tendency in addiction treatment, counseling, and recovery groups to attribute every single negative circumstance or emotion to my alleged disease, character flaw, or genetic defect. And, hey, lookit: 1) The DMV would **** off Mother Theresa on a good day. 2) I reserve the right to experience frustration, romantic desperation, insecurity, anger, sleeplessness, procrastination, etc as part of the human experience.
The truth is that understanding of addiction has evolved greatly since the time of The Big Book, but it's still quite incomplete. I think we're all served by admitting that we're battling a problem we don't really understand. We should keep in mind that there was a time that epilepsy was thought to be caused by demonic possession and, all-too recently, depression was treated via hysterectomy!! So, I am naturally concerned when I see addicts in recovery convinced that every unpleasant emotion is a disease symptom.
May I give an example?? I was in an AA meeting last week and a woman who is a landlord reported that someone had tried to scam her by sending her a bad check for more than the money owed, and asking her to "wire" a refund for the overage. This is obviously a crime that should be reported! Well, her AA training had taught her not to give in to feeling like a victim, and she interpreted that to mean she should not report the crime. And everybody in the room applauded that decision. See what I mean?
As for things to try for aftercare... Hmmm.... Decisions, decisions. Are you a lady of faith? I've been going to a non-12 step faith-based group which I like. Or, how about hitting recovery from a non-addict angle? Meaning: plunge into something that requires a high commitment, precludes alcohol and drug use, but isn't "about" addiction or recovery? Like trying on a nondrinking faith? Or a 6-week body makeover program, or training for a marathon?
You might supplement this by occasional (like monthly, not 3x/wk) counseling sessions with a professional who's not steeped in the 12-step/recovery model. Something like a hypnotist, or other "alternative" practitioner. Also, TOTALLY hit your local vitamin store and get a consult on vitamins/supplements to support ongoing recovery. I love those people. They're not shocked at the word "addict" and they have no allegiance to the disease model. But they know all about sleep, mood, focus, and energy!
So that's my dissertation for the week! Have a great day!
I could not agree more with your post above. I find there's a strong tendency in addiction treatment, counseling, and recovery groups to attribute every single negative circumstance or emotion to my alleged disease, character flaw, or genetic defect. And, hey, lookit: 1) The DMV would **** off Mother Theresa on a good day. 2) I reserve the right to experience frustration, romantic desperation, insecurity, anger, sleeplessness, procrastination, etc as part of the human experience.
The truth is that understanding of addiction has evolved greatly since the time of The Big Book, but it's still quite incomplete. I think we're all served by admitting that we're battling a problem we don't really understand. We should keep in mind that there was a time that epilepsy was thought to be caused by demonic possession and, all-too recently, depression was treated via hysterectomy!! So, I am naturally concerned when I see addicts in recovery convinced that every unpleasant emotion is a disease symptom.
May I give an example?? I was in an AA meeting last week and a woman who is a landlord reported that someone had tried to scam her by sending her a bad check for more than the money owed, and asking her to "wire" a refund for the overage. This is obviously a crime that should be reported! Well, her AA training had taught her not to give in to feeling like a victim, and she interpreted that to mean she should not report the crime. And everybody in the room applauded that decision. See what I mean?
As for things to try for aftercare... Hmmm.... Decisions, decisions. Are you a lady of faith? I've been going to a non-12 step faith-based group which I like. Or, how about hitting recovery from a non-addict angle? Meaning: plunge into something that requires a high commitment, precludes alcohol and drug use, but isn't "about" addiction or recovery? Like trying on a nondrinking faith? Or a 6-week body makeover program, or training for a marathon?
You might supplement this by occasional (like monthly, not 3x/wk) counseling sessions with a professional who's not steeped in the 12-step/recovery model. Something like a hypnotist, or other "alternative" practitioner. Also, TOTALLY hit your local vitamin store and get a consult on vitamins/supplements to support ongoing recovery. I love those people. They're not shocked at the word "addict" and they have no allegiance to the disease model. But they know all about sleep, mood, focus, and energy!
So that's my dissertation for the week! Have a great day!
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