Today is Another Day
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Today is Another Day
Three days away from my last bender, my last drink. And I truly mean last in a way I've never meant before. No illusions or secret thoughts that I will somehow become capable of controlling or dispelling the addiction. No worries or planning for what might happen 5 months or even 5 days from now.
It is extraordinarily difficult for me to come back here to start this journey again, because although it's anonymous, it's still public and I'm still putting myself out there for the inevitable "What's it gonna take" questions. And in looking back at my old posts, I'm also putting myself at the risk of once again falling off the face of the earth to go back into the (false) safety of isolation .
So this time must be different. This day has to be a new day and every day after that as well.
I'm here to commit.
It is extraordinarily difficult for me to come back here to start this journey again, because although it's anonymous, it's still public and I'm still putting myself out there for the inevitable "What's it gonna take" questions. And in looking back at my old posts, I'm also putting myself at the risk of once again falling off the face of the earth to go back into the (false) safety of isolation .
So this time must be different. This day has to be a new day and every day after that as well.
I'm here to commit.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Glad you are back and glad you have made the choice to do it once and for all. As far as the "what's it gonna take" question, it is a tough one to answer but it's necessary to truly make sobriety work. Have you decided what you will do specifially as far as a plan/program?
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, all.
To answer the anticipated question, I've got a few things going and will add as I go along.
First, I spent pretty much the last two days reading here. I took in a lot that I was previously unable to fully absorb. Of those many things, some were ideas for how to go about this thing and the most striking was to simply stick with it no matter what. I've failed in the past in part because it was too easy to slip away. So I think one part of the plan needs to be to post at least once a day about what is going on with me, every single day, no matter what.
I spent my Amazon gift card on a few things that will help me in the very short term - a recovery book and workbook and a cross-stitch kit. As I don't seem to have much patience for Netflix now (thankfully! it was a big pit for me), it seems like having some things that seem manageable "to do." will be helpful.
A New Cure has been gathering dust under my nightstand, so I may just wipe that off and give it another read.
I will continue to read here and glean all of the wisdom that I can, and I will do my best to refrain from turning into a caretaker at the expense of focusing on what I need to do for myself - and by extension, my family.
To answer the anticipated question, I've got a few things going and will add as I go along.
First, I spent pretty much the last two days reading here. I took in a lot that I was previously unable to fully absorb. Of those many things, some were ideas for how to go about this thing and the most striking was to simply stick with it no matter what. I've failed in the past in part because it was too easy to slip away. So I think one part of the plan needs to be to post at least once a day about what is going on with me, every single day, no matter what.
I spent my Amazon gift card on a few things that will help me in the very short term - a recovery book and workbook and a cross-stitch kit. As I don't seem to have much patience for Netflix now (thankfully! it was a big pit for me), it seems like having some things that seem manageable "to do." will be helpful.
A New Cure has been gathering dust under my nightstand, so I may just wipe that off and give it another read.
I will continue to read here and glean all of the wisdom that I can, and I will do my best to refrain from turning into a caretaker at the expense of focusing on what I need to do for myself - and by extension, my family.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hey Obladi,
congrats on showing up again for a new start. and since you found it so extraordinarily difficult to come back and post here again to start your journey, well, it just goes to show you can do what's extraordinarily difficult for you.
here's to a great beginning!
congrats on showing up again for a new start. and since you found it so extraordinarily difficult to come back and post here again to start your journey, well, it just goes to show you can do what's extraordinarily difficult for you.
here's to a great beginning!
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I know, right?
I'm good at doing things that are extraordinary for the good of others. Not that I'm a saint or anything, but still...
Doing things that are extraordinarily good for me - that's the hard bit. It's only now that I have young adult children that I see how hurtful that can be for them.
Caught in the classic catch-22!
And I do so hate being caught...
I'm good at doing things that are extraordinary for the good of others. Not that I'm a saint or anything, but still...
Doing things that are extraordinarily good for me - that's the hard bit. It's only now that I have young adult children that I see how hurtful that can be for them.
Caught in the classic catch-22!
And I do so hate being caught...
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Checking in at the end of the day, physically fine if somewhat tired. Mentally in a bit of a holding pattern. I'm glad to say I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I would be worried about fallout from the kids, but I have no control over that - only control over what I do (or don't do).
Back to work tomorrow and that's a good thing. It will be something to engage my mind which has been preoccupied all day with sobriety. Not a bad thing, but changing focus to something I do really well will probably be a great boost, particularly free of the after - affects of drinking.
Back to work tomorrow and that's a good thing. It will be something to engage my mind which has been preoccupied all day with sobriety. Not a bad thing, but changing focus to something I do really well will probably be a great boost, particularly free of the after - affects of drinking.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Day 4
I got a book of short stories yesterday that I was really looking forward to, but it did nothing for me. That was a disappointment, but maybe later.
On the upside, I had music on all day. I have been denying myself even that simple pleasure for the better part of two years.
Former sleeping pattern:
asleep (passed out) 10pm
awake 1-3am until 5am
asleep 5:30am-6:30am
With no vodka and with medication as prescribed
asleep 9:00pm
awake 5:30am
I'd say that's a fair step in the right direction.
Even yesterday, I noticed my skin tone looks much healthier. Plenty of spider veins on my face, but the pastiness seems to be well on its way out.
Experienced some moments of sweatiness and general discomfort, but overall I feel pretty ok. Lucky me for this. I know I could be going through much worse. It's a far cry from the misery I was in on Christmas Day. That is an experience I will be glad to never have to repeat.
Today's list:
1. Don't drink
2. Go to work - should be pleasant as relatively few people will be in and I should be able to get some things done.
3. Read some SR and post.
4. Do at least one bit of tidying
5. In bed by 9
Had to rearrange the above to put Don't Drink at the top of the list. It's important to retain my thought process to follow the example of smart people who went before me.
I got a book of short stories yesterday that I was really looking forward to, but it did nothing for me. That was a disappointment, but maybe later.
On the upside, I had music on all day. I have been denying myself even that simple pleasure for the better part of two years.
Former sleeping pattern:
asleep (passed out) 10pm
awake 1-3am until 5am
asleep 5:30am-6:30am
With no vodka and with medication as prescribed
asleep 9:00pm
awake 5:30am
I'd say that's a fair step in the right direction.
Even yesterday, I noticed my skin tone looks much healthier. Plenty of spider veins on my face, but the pastiness seems to be well on its way out.
Experienced some moments of sweatiness and general discomfort, but overall I feel pretty ok. Lucky me for this. I know I could be going through much worse. It's a far cry from the misery I was in on Christmas Day. That is an experience I will be glad to never have to repeat.
Today's list:
1. Don't drink
2. Go to work - should be pleasant as relatively few people will be in and I should be able to get some things done.
3. Read some SR and post.
4. Do at least one bit of tidying
5. In bed by 9
Had to rearrange the above to put Don't Drink at the top of the list. It's important to retain my thought process to follow the example of smart people who went before me.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm at work.
Youngest just called to ask me a favor - could I please stop at the beauty supply shop and get her some hair dye supplies on my way home? My heart clenched in my chest because there is a liquor store two doors away from that shop. I said "Sure, I can do that," knowing with certainty that if I went to the beauty store I'd be going next door for booze.
Took two minutes, called her back and said "I can't take you" and told her why. She said, "Ok, I can ask someone else for a ride."
*ding ding ding*
Score 1 Obli
Score 0 AV
Next round is likely due around drive home time.
Youngest just called to ask me a favor - could I please stop at the beauty supply shop and get her some hair dye supplies on my way home? My heart clenched in my chest because there is a liquor store two doors away from that shop. I said "Sure, I can do that," knowing with certainty that if I went to the beauty store I'd be going next door for booze.
Took two minutes, called her back and said "I can't take you" and told her why. She said, "Ok, I can ask someone else for a ride."
*ding ding ding*
Score 1 Obli
Score 0 AV
Next round is likely due around drive home time.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Had to take my eldest daughter home after work because she had my car for the day. Drove past the correct turn on the way out of her neighborhood, guessed the wrong next turn three times and wound up back where I should have turned in the first place! What's that? Some kind of allegorical lesson?
Anyhow, I took the long/back way home once I figured out where I was so that I would not pass any liquor stores. Had a few pleasant words with the kids, made myself a sandwich, did some SR browsing and am now ready to start settling in. Can't say I did much in the way of any bit of tidying, but I'll give myself a pass due to the extra commute time I hadn't planned.
Feeling... ok. Tempted to work from home tomorrow to avoid the drive home that had so often been my downfall, but I'll go in and everything will be fine with appropriate foresight and planning.
Anyhow, I took the long/back way home once I figured out where I was so that I would not pass any liquor stores. Had a few pleasant words with the kids, made myself a sandwich, did some SR browsing and am now ready to start settling in. Can't say I did much in the way of any bit of tidying, but I'll give myself a pass due to the extra commute time I hadn't planned.
Feeling... ok. Tempted to work from home tomorrow to avoid the drive home that had so often been my downfall, but I'll go in and everything will be fine with appropriate foresight and planning.
Life Goes On
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Day 5
Thanks to anyone who is reading along and sending out the good mojo and also for your responses. It is gratifying to know that people take the time to keep an eye on me, as it were.
I woke in the middle of the night and was up for a bit. One of my daughters came to ask me if I'd been drinking and I told her I had not. A few moments later, I followed her back to her room to ask if there was any reason she had that idea (as if she needed one, right?) and she said no. I don't know how much to say to her because she tends to clam up quickly when irritated, so just gave her the quick inventory of my evening, kissed her and went back to bed. To me, it's a blessing that she is talking to me at all, so I'll bide my time and hope that one day that our relationship will be as close as it once was. I know that could be a long time and that's on me.
Physically: Pretty good. Wiped out while walking to work yesterday, so have an abrasion just about the size of my kneecap. Doesn't hurt so bad today. I have a low grade headache every morning. Maybe from meds, maybe just a symptom of toxins releasing.
Mentally: Was not as focused at work yesterday as I would have liked to have been. Fortunately it's very slow around the office, so it didn't really put me behind. I would have just liked to have gotten ahead. Maybe today.
Emotionally: Meh. I'm fine. Not down, not over the moon at my progress. It's fine, good, I know. Perhaps because I've been here before. Which is something to challenge, I think. This is the first time I've said "never again" and truly meant it on every level. If that's the case, I really haven't been here before. So why wouldn't I be dancing in the streets? Probably something to mull over with the AVRT clan.
Thanks to anyone who is reading along and sending out the good mojo and also for your responses. It is gratifying to know that people take the time to keep an eye on me, as it were.
I woke in the middle of the night and was up for a bit. One of my daughters came to ask me if I'd been drinking and I told her I had not. A few moments later, I followed her back to her room to ask if there was any reason she had that idea (as if she needed one, right?) and she said no. I don't know how much to say to her because she tends to clam up quickly when irritated, so just gave her the quick inventory of my evening, kissed her and went back to bed. To me, it's a blessing that she is talking to me at all, so I'll bide my time and hope that one day that our relationship will be as close as it once was. I know that could be a long time and that's on me.
Physically: Pretty good. Wiped out while walking to work yesterday, so have an abrasion just about the size of my kneecap. Doesn't hurt so bad today. I have a low grade headache every morning. Maybe from meds, maybe just a symptom of toxins releasing.
Mentally: Was not as focused at work yesterday as I would have liked to have been. Fortunately it's very slow around the office, so it didn't really put me behind. I would have just liked to have gotten ahead. Maybe today.
Emotionally: Meh. I'm fine. Not down, not over the moon at my progress. It's fine, good, I know. Perhaps because I've been here before. Which is something to challenge, I think. This is the first time I've said "never again" and truly meant it on every level. If that's the case, I really haven't been here before. So why wouldn't I be dancing in the streets? Probably something to mull over with the AVRT clan.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Congrats on day 5! The brain fog and physical symptoms will certainly hang around for a while, it's just part of your body re-adjusting.
It's important to remember I think that while sobriety opens the door to a new, better, life - it's not all rainbows and unicorns all the time. Life itself is full of challenges and events/people beyond our control. Being sober gives us a MUCH better chance of dealing with life at face value...making sound decisions, being physically capable, etc.
Mulling things over with the AVRT clan is a great idea too. The real difference between "not drinking" and sobriety is exactly that - finding ways to live your life sober to the fullest. Hope the rest of your day 5 is a good one!
It's important to remember I think that while sobriety opens the door to a new, better, life - it's not all rainbows and unicorns all the time. Life itself is full of challenges and events/people beyond our control. Being sober gives us a MUCH better chance of dealing with life at face value...making sound decisions, being physically capable, etc.
Mulling things over with the AVRT clan is a great idea too. The real difference between "not drinking" and sobriety is exactly that - finding ways to live your life sober to the fullest. Hope the rest of your day 5 is a good one!
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