When oh when will I learn to paste to notepad before I hit "post?"
Ok so this is important to me, so here goes again...
Walk, I think the headaches are hereditary. Been prone to them as long as I can remember. But sure I can ask the hypothetical new physician about them. Couldn't hurt.
Discussion tonight was in great part about unexpected disappointments. One of the guys went to the DMV hoping he'd get his license reinstated. They said sorry the rules are the rules and even though you are about to complete this 8-week program (a) it's not done yet and (b) it hasn't been 90 days yet. He talked about this a couple of times and the second time wound up with "I can't understand why I was so disappointed? Is it my disease?" I responded, "No, it's the DMV." Laughs all around but I don't think our counselor/facilitator found it too funny because she said, "Yes, it's the addicted brain. You have patterns that need to be changed and that's what recovery is all about."
I said, "I don't necessarily agree that being upset after going to the DMV has anything at all to do with 'the addicted brain.' I stopped drinking and that removes something bad from my life. But that doesn't mean other bad things won't happen, like having to deal with the DMV. Life is going to continue happening whether I drink or not. It's just a good thing that I stopped drinking, regardless of those other things."
You know, I like this group. I like going because I hear what other people have to say, I gain insights, and it's been a particularly effective method to arrest my drinking. What I don't like today (or yesterday or maybe ever) is hearing people refer to "their addiction" as if it was a genetic character flaw. Like, I have this gene of addiction and it causes me to drink and also causes me to have these overwhelming feelings that I just can't figure out or handle. I rather think it's the opposite: I never learned how to cope adequately, therefore I drank. So since I stopped drinking, I'm going to need to learn how to deal with life.
I'm not saying there isn't a genetic component for addiction. Looking at my family, I'd say there's a pretty strong argument to be made that there probably is. But extrapolating from there to "therefore I must be fundamentally and uniquely flawed in other ways" doesn't sit right with me.
I've got three more weeks to go to finish IOP. I'll do it because it's good for me and because I made a commitment to my kids. And I'm sure it will continue to help me think through things. I might even check out a few of the continuing care meetings after that's done. Perhaps the atmosphere will be a little less... I don't know? Clinical? AA-ish? I realize I might sound fed up. I'm not. I'm just a little bit this side of "done" with people directing/counseling me on how I should think and (seeming to) define every problem as related to my "disease."
Well would you look at that?
It's only 11pm and I'm wrapping up the evening.
There's something to be said for starting the day at 5am.
