Obladi

To add to my aforementioned skill of sleeping well, I must now add that I can do a passable imitation of a potted plant.

Spent the entire day doing almost nothing. Walked the dog twice, read a lot and posted a fair amount. watched a couple of movies. But wait! A sign of life! I'm beginning to get a bit restless about living in the doldrums. Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter, in which I may actually Do Something Fun or Useful outside of work.

SoberinSyracuse

Nice! What do you think you might do?

Obladi

Well now, I'm just not sure what's next, SiS. Knowing me as I do, the useful will come first. I need to get the house in order again because when I just let it go, the mess starts settling in. Not sure why my young women don't seem to have the capacity to keep things picked up in their mother's home? After that.. If the weather cooperates, there may be biking. And I still need to get that treadmill upstairs. Biking is fun, but hard work. I'm not sure I'd call the treadmill fun, but it is rewarding and I tend to make it hard work. I think I like them because it's easy to be good at them, I can push my own limits and I can measure both of them in miles as well as speed.

Morning on Super Bowl Sunday! Throughout the country, people are stocking up on the accoutrement of debauchery - booze, football shaped cakes, wings slathered in sauce, chips! I never got into this and I'm glad. It always seemed dumb and it seems dumb still. My apologies to anyone who feels that I am being close-minded.

I took the extra dose of Antabuse to middle daughter yesterday and outlined the plan in which I would take the medication in front of her on non-group days and that she should feel free to ask me to take another dose any time at her discretion. It won't hurt me any because it's only half a tablet, but it will sure tell her one way or another if I've been drinking. She seemed amenable, so I think we've made some progress in the trust/comfort department. Although I think maybe not all the way because she did come to check out my room when she got home after work in the wee hours - but that's ok with me as there is nothing to find.

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Soberwolf

I love reading your thread I bet so many ppl can relate to your posts you are a inspiration & I'm not saying that lightly O this is not for ego but for you as a person

Hawkeye13

Yes-I used to check my mom's room / hiding spots too so I'd know what I was dealing with.

It does take time to rebuild trust, but it sounds like you are taking solid steps
to do that.

I also need to get off my butt and back into exercise.
I'm almost over this horrible month-long cold and plan to hit the gym
and yoga mat next week.
We can do this!

Obladi

This is the ego I mean, Soberwolf: " the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity."

And this is what I am striving for - a balanced sense of personal identity. It's not at it's strongest yet, but it's a long way beyond my darkest days. I'm convinced that continuing on this path whether plodding or skipping is what needs to be done, and so I keep on.

Hawkeye, I get that my kid feels like she needs to check and may be wary for a good long time. I can't blame her for that and don't harbor any ill will toward her at all.

I had an inspiration this afternoon that maybe I should go camping for a week or two in June. Pulled out my outdated map of State campgrounds and have started planning. In the spirit of "I'm planning and you can come along if you want," I think I'm going to make an itinerary and then just let the girls know my plans. I'm getting all jazzed up thinking about shopping for a tent and a stove and whatnot.

First things first: itinerary.

Obladi

Dinner with the girls was really nice. Everyone behaved, no one got their nose bent out of shape and it was a nice quiet night at the restaurant. I'm thinking maybe dinner on Super Bowl Sunday might need to be an annual event.

Leftovers enough for three meals, just from my entrée. That's crazy. No wonder Americans are so plump.

So I'm safely ensconced in my room, PJs on and tummy full but not overly so. Most of the laundry is done, there are no bills to pay and I have clothes out for tomorrow. All in all, I'd count this as one of the best weekends in years.

fini

sounds lovely, Obladi.
and so bloody mature and peacefully adult

Dropsie

I was just thinking about you and hoping the dinner went well.

It sounds wonderful. I love football, but if I did not, it must be a perfect night to go out somewhere where the game is not on and enjoy the quiet. Especially with your children.

I have the same after i go out in the US -- feels like enough food for a week.

Obladi

fini, at one point I was observing myself driving and noticed the same. "Look at me, just driving out to Sunday night dinner like a regular grown-up."

Thanks for thinking of me Drops. When the kids were younger, we used to always pair up and share meals. Then they got to the point that they felt this was too childish, so now everyone gets their own and we all bring home leftovers. Perhaps when they hit middle age we'll go back to the more practical model.

The morning headache is ebbing as I've been up for half an hour now. Feeling a bit remorseful that I didn't get caught up on work this weekend. This will pass. It's good for me to let the right things go sometimes. I guess it would be even better if I always knew when to let things go. It's a process.

Right now, going to post before I lose this again!
Anyhow, time to dress and walk that dog before waking youngest to find that she is not going to school today (yes, my crystal ball is in fine working order).

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Obladi

What bliss!
What joy!
I just realized I can work from home today.


p.s. Daughter is staying home sick. Crystal ball? Check.

Soberwolf

SoberinSyracuse

Kind of like a grownup snow day!! :-)

Obladi

I didn't realize until I looked at this thread from my cell phone that the umoji is me getting hit by a sudden bolt of lightening! That's not what I meant at all, but done is done.

Ok so it's late but I really want to write about this before I put my head down tonight.

Tonight, I told the group during check-in about making plans for camping, but noticed that the AV got pretty pumped about that. It wanted to know if we could drink and noticed on the website that no alcohol is allowed on MD State campgrounds. Seeing that, AV started plotting how we could get away with drinking anyhow. (I am humanizing It - AV doesn't really talk to me with a voice you know.)

Having read about AVRT/Rational Recovery, I know that the solution for this conundrum is to make a Big Plan to never drink again and to never change my mind. Clearly, I'm not there yet.

But I think I could get there. I think I am there now, which is where the One Day at a Time folks are. And as long as it's always "now," I'm set.

So this led us to motivation - what motivates people to stay sober? Several people said that they decided to take care of themselves, that they finally decided to pay attention to what was best for them. To which I responded, "Cool, but I don't have that internal thing. What I have is my love for my kids." Nope, that wasn't sufficient in their minds - I have to learn to love myself.

As we continued to talk, each one of the people who said that their motivation was internal actually pointed to an external event. For two of them, their physician had said "If you keep drinking it will kill you." And for the third it was a condition of continued employment.

So here's where I am: I'm taking Antabuse and it is working wonderfully. I know that as long as I am taking it, I will not drink. And I know that I make the decision to drink, it will need to be premeditated and planned - for like 5 days from now. I'm thinking that this is (as the brochure stated) the same as going inpatient because my access to the booze is cut off. And while I build my "sober muscles," I think I'm also building a life without alcohol which is what my kids want for me. And what I am just starting to want for myself because I am starting to realize/reap the benefits. How is that any less "good" than being motivated by a health scare or a DUI? Why is working toward caring about myself less "good" than having (already) loving myself?

I'm not irritated or angry; just maybe a bit frustrated with the 12-step stuff I hear that doesn't seem to have substance. But that's my issue and I understand. If other folks are good with it, I am in no position to decide if that's right or wrong for them. I just know I need to give it substance that is meaningful for me.

Now it's really late! It's supposed to snow maybe 3" tonight - if you are reading here over the course of the next six hours or so, think snowy thoughts my way so that I have a good excuse to work from home again tomorrow.

SoberinSyracuse

Not sure exactly where on the east coast you are, but here in Syracuse we have about an inch snow. Probably not enough to work from home. And besides...you get to work from home with 3 inches??? I'm guessing you're in the mid-Atlantic region. Am I right?

I understand your frustration about being in an AA environment where they will collectively pile on to disavow the something that gives you hope, strength, and resolve if it doesn't support their model.

AA is helpful for many people, but definitely not for me. The teachings of my faith strongly contradict AA teachings. And I reject many of their tenets outright because they've been disproven by more recent addiction research (like neuroplasticity). That being said, the organization still offers great front-line support. If and when they try to deny you your own personal North Star, you can just quietly draw your line and keep your internal boundaries.

The important thing is that you're doing well and you have systems in place that are working for you!! You sound well and healthy, and your life is improving day after day!!

walkbeformakrun

I agree about the internal/external motivation thing. Lots of grey areas and overlap there. For example, many say they will die if they keep drinking and it is literally true for them. Me, yes, if I drink I will die too, while I'm taking the pill. Artificially imposed consequences but very effective none-the-less.

O - did you ever do the planned escape from Antabuse enabled sobriety? I used to think I did not need to take a pill every day. I'm sure it works fine of you take it every other day. But then a couple times I'd forget for days on end and not realize it till I was faced with a drink in my presence. I'd only then remember that I'd forgotten to take my magic pill. Stripped from protection, I was helpless and would drink without hesitation.

That is different though than the planned type of relapse. Now that I take the pill every day without fail, the only way to drink is to plan well in advance to do that. You have to premeditate the murder of your sobriety. Every day for five or more days you have to continue down that road, willingly, with eyes wide open. I only did that once. It was hard and not likely to be repeated.

Soberwolf

How are you this evening O x

Obladi

Missed my morning check-in because I was up way too late last night.
So this is it!

It's Day 29 and I'm in the midst of my work from home day where I can get away with it because, yes, SiS, I'm in the Baltimore area. I get a kick out of 3" snow days because I'm from Wisconsin where we wouldn't blink twice, but it's not beyond me to take full advantage of the native culture.

I'm doing quite well, Soberwolf, but alas it's not evening yet.
I'll be back later to answer Walk's questions and who knows what else.

ScottFromWI

Glad to hear things are going well Obladi. I chuckle at times with some of the snow situations across the country living here in WI myself. 10 inches of snow for me just means I use the snowblower instead of a shovel!

Obladi

Scott, the first time I drove here when there was significant snow (maybe 4-6") I couldn't help but giggle at how cute these folks are. I was taking the back way home and there was a pretty good hill coming up. People were stopping at the bottom of the hill and then taking their turn to go up. Of course the majority of them went up at an odd angle because they started from zero at the bottom of the hill.

That notwithstanding, it's understandable that things shut down once you drive those back roads. As my mother exclaimed when she visited, "You have no shoulders here!" It is truly dangerous to drive those windy roads in any amount of snow.