Behappy1

Bump for nonever... HTH!

Behappy1

Well, day one again. I stupidly decided to test the waters again. I need to re-read my own posts again. I was all gun ho about RR when I first posted and lost sight of my course. These day ones are awful. I am sick, jittery, weak and can barely keep water down. I've let myself and my family down yet again.

Nonsensical

That guilt and shame I would feel on my day 1's were a result of behaving in a way that was contrary to my core values. That was how I (finally) became convinced I was sharing headspace with an entity that had no moral compass.

Fortunately, I knew what to do about it.

So do you.

Get after it.

GerandTwine

Besides the hangovers, did anything bad happen due to your drinking in the last 100 days?

Behappy1

No, I just let life get overwhelming again and fell right back in the habit and the same routine. I'm so disappointed in myself.

GerandTwine

Who witnessed you drunk?

GerandTwine

What is your understanding of the difference between the Beast of RR and your beastly behavior while drinking?

Behappy1

I allowed the Beast to take over. Once I drank once it became unstoppable. My family witnessed the drinking. When I was even awake. Spent most of the last 4-5 days in bed. I am so ashamed and just sick physically as well as emotionally spent.

Behappy1

I will. Thank you for the kick I needed that. I'm just so mad at myself.

GerandTwine

AVRT takes no interest in operating upon someone who is drunk. When you say you are "two people" I know what you mean. I was also two people. The nondrinking me made huge sacrifices and spent much time and effort trying to protect the drunken me. I had become used to being IN THAT STATE with all the wonderful buzz and wild thoughts and physical bumbling and unpredictable outbursts and dangerous actions and occasional violences and attrocities and disgusting behavior against other people. Not that I wasn't occasionally funny, blah, blah, blah.

The drunken me HAD TO DIE - BECOME NON-EXISTENT - NEVER SHOW HIS PRESENCE IN THE UNIVERSE EVER AGAIN.

So, I killed the drunken me.
But then -
Feeling the grief following the drunken me's death is the BEAST of RR barking It's Addictive Voice.
All those feelings and thoughts of loss and sadness are totally normal.

So, do you see the difference between the drunken you and your BEAST?
The Beast lives quite normally within a perfectly abstinent former drunk and can be understood and never acted upon easily with AVRT.

Any time you choose, you can kill the drunken you with the Big Plan of AVRT.
You can only do it once.
You can't take it back and say "I didn't really mean it, I think I'll try drinking again."
But you can never kill the Beast of RR within you any more than you can kill the memory of a loved one hugging you and your wanting to be together.

So, don't make your Big Plan until you really want to kill the drunken you.

Wholesome

Hi BeHappy. Sorry to read that you drank against your better judgement. I can imagine that you'd be mad and disappointed with yourself, I know I would feel that way too because I've been in your shoes. You have two options going forward; you can continue drinking and feeling the way you do now, or you can change and never feel this way again. You can do some introspection and identify what went wrong and shore up the cracks in your Big Plan. You obviously left the door open in some way for drinking as an option and for AVRT to work that option has to be totally removed. Think about alternatives to deal with stress and life's ups and downs. Drinking is a terrible option because nothing gets solved, plus you create a whole new set of problems! I wish you well and I hope you feel better soon.

AlericB

Hi BeHappy,

I was wondering what was going through your mind when you picked up again. Whatever your thoughts were, did you recognise them as AV at the time?

I went to a food and drink festival last Saturday and my AV hung heavy on me for most of the day. Even though I recognised it I still felt like giving in. What helped me was the thought that AVRT is about catching and stopping yourself in the act of changing your decision to drink. I struggled so much though that I've been wondering if I'm really commited to my Big Plan but I guess that's just AV too.

Nonsensical

Dayyum. That doesn't even sound like fun to MY AV!

Sometimes that helps for a day or two, but beyond that it's downright unproductive. Don't spend too much time staring in the rearview mirror. It isn't the direction you are going.

Behappy1

I knew it was. My AV. I started drinking last Wednesday and it was pretty much a bender until last night. I missed events that my kids were in. This is really making me see just how PURELY SELFISH the AV is. I lost sight of the fact that I DON"T DRINK anymore. When I drink it is always at home. Never socially. It was too easy to "check out" last week and I am disgusted with myself. I went back through and re-read this thread. I have been pretty much confined to bed and water today. I can't keep food down. I deserve to feel this bad.

Behappy1

LOL! It wasn't fun. You're right the rear view isn't he direction I'm going.

Carlotta

I am glad that you are back on track and I hope you will start being a bit more compassionate toward yourself.
Beating on yourself is not really productive and like Nonsensical noted, it might work for a few days but it is not sustainable in the long run.

Try to drink some sport drinks to re-balance your electrolytes and also maybe eat a small baked potato. It should help ease the nausea and settle your stomach.

To quote Freshstart57:

Behappy1

Thank you all for your support today. I am finally not throwing up and can keep down h20. I've spent most of the day in bed and reading on here. I let my recovery fall by the wayside and i cannot keep beating myself up. Tomorrow will be day 2. Thank you again for all of your kind words. I do a great job @ beating myself up for my choices and your encouragement meant a lot. I am a single mom with no help from their dad. I started drinking because I was overwhelmed with every thing. Large yard to care for, same with the house. I am running the kids to and from school every morning and night 5 days a week. That on top of work becomes overwhelming and I let it get to me. Drinking was a way for me to "check out" for a while. Of course everyone has their reasons for being here, that is mine. I cannot go on relapsing.

Bob4x4

travel with an extra sandwich, when you feel the beast talking eat sammich. ... you will not hear from the beast again. HALT method along with Rational Recovery. having food on hand like carrot sticks, milk, celery, bananas, sandwich or two will the AV Beast dead, like Raid kills beasts dead.

GerandTwine

After three months of not drinking (let alone after just two weeks) I know how absolutely fantastic it was to finally get that wonderful buzz from booze all over again. It truly was a deep deep pleasure. The hangovers were worth it. Like you, I would just try to sleep and drink some more to keep the pain down. Maybe taper off after several days. I was also a binge drinker.

Were I to hear "it was no fun", that would be all Addictive Voice. I know the deep pleasure overrode all other expected negatives.

Were I to hear "don't look in the rear view mirror" it would again be the AV speaking. Looking in the rear view mirror is what got me to finally decide to make that ONCE in a lifetime Big Plan - I will never drink again. After making that once in a lifetime pledge, only then was there no reason to dwell on the "looking in the rear view mirror". "Looking" anywhere has nothing to do with maintaining pledged abstinence.

Were I to think my Beast was selfish because of how I sacrificed my family's trust for gross self indulgence that would be all Addictive Voice. My Beast can be called any adjective I can think of, so it makes no sense to pick out "selfish". My Beast is simply "singleminded" by definition. IT wants ONLY alcohol and will play any adjective to get it. But "selfish" WOULD apply perfectly to ME once I decided to go along with my Beast and ...MMmmmMMMMMmmmm!!... drink some more. Then I would be clearly selfish for going along with IT.

Were I to hear that I ought to do certain things to keep me from drinking - like swallowing certain nutritious liquids or solids - I would know that was the Addictive Voice. There's no reason I must engage in certain behaviors to keep from swallowing more alcohol.

If I were to tell strangers familiar with AVRT that I understood the Big Plan and that I had made that pledge, yet I was at the same time unwilling to tell my own anxious children who had witnessed me drunk many times that I had finally made that pledge, then I would expect those strangers to suspect I was again just blowing some hot air.

Here's the way I thought when I used to decide to drink again. "My drinking isn't really so awful because I'm very careful to not create serious problems while drunk. I deserve that fantastic pleasure." So I didn't really think it was wrong for me to drink again. "Looking in the rear view mirror" finally got me to change that evaluation. "All that havoc I have left behind me has finally rendered ME willing to break the compact with the DRUNKEN ME." It was over. I was willing to KILL OFF the DRUNKEN ME and I DID kill it. The Beast was rendered helpless, but IT barked up a storm emotions for quite a while. For me it was much more emotion than words.

AlericB

Hi BeHappy,

How are you finding things today?