just for today

Some of our replies, including mine, have been harsh and seeming unfeeling.....I just wanted to add that I do understand and care.....this is a terrible place for a parent to be and nothing prepares you for it.....our first instinct as parents is to love and protect our children and the concept of not doing that and not looking at only the good we see in them is as foreign to us as anything could possibly be....You came here for support and that is what I offer to you......along with some of the things I have had to learn the hard way while dealing with my son.....so please know that we are not ganging up on you and that the final decision of how you will deal with this situation is yours.....and my thoughts and prayers are with you as you face this hard journey......

Take care and

Lobo

You say you don't know what is wrong with him. You have lost your son to a gang and drugs that is what's wrong with him. Right now he is no longer your son. You say you are afraid you will lose him and never see him again. You have already lost him.......not physically but he is not your son. You have two other children on the right path......does he dislike them like he dislikes his brother? Look at the danger he is putting them in. Sometimes we have to do hurtful things to save our children.
Please consider the children that are good and living in the same house. It sounds to me like you want to keep him in your life at any cost to you or the rest of your family. The sad thing is........you are not benefiting him. It is only what makes YOU feel good having him around no matter what. Step outside of yourself and do what is right for him not for yourself. I don't mean to sound harsh but I am the mother of a daughter who is addicted. She is young and pretty.........she is who pays your son's salary.

CarolD

II too have experience with wayward children.
2 of my 3 turned into criminals because of
drugs and alcohol.

However....this is not why your son is a dealer

I hope you find medical help for your son.
This is what I think..

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/psychopath

Why do I get the impression he is giving
you money?
Sorry if I am incorrect but that at
least would be a reason for your inaction.

With concern for your safety

raerae6

I just finished a book called "A Peice of Cake" by Cupcake Brown. It is her memoir of how she became a drug addict, prostitute, and dealer. She became a member of the *******s and participated in drive-by's. She finally went into treatment, got off drugs, went to college and now works as a lawyer and motivational speaker. She is not a psychopath, I think you are making a pretty big assumption here.

Inaction? If she was fine with the situation and didn't want to do something about it, why would she come here?

hope213

i too am the mom of an addict son.you nor i are a bad mom. i have one more son,navy retired & a daughter that is the manager insurance. two out of 3 turned out fine.i love my addict son but i would never jepertize my other two children for him. your son & mine made the decision to get into drugs. you saw the photo of your son smoking pot. what else he is smoking or doing u you do know. he is a danger to himself, you & to your other children & society. you need to get him off the streets. what makes him the king of your house? you are helping to send him to his grave. i know u are hurting & i do not mean to be so blunt. i am not juding, i am just scared for you & him.you are going to lose him one way or another eithe by prison or death.there is alot of great advise ahead of me. it is your choice to choose what you are going to do.welcome to S.R. there is alot of help here if you will accept it.i am saying a prayer for you & your son.keep coming back.

KeepFaith

I think some of theese replies are a bit extreeme. He isnt a psychopath, i know that for a fact. He doesnt have a black heart because he does care. He has never attacked me, because deep down he knows he shouldent. About attacking his sibling's, that is different.

Psychopaths have no feeling's though. I got my son a dog when he was 7. He loves it to death. No matter where he is, he will always come home to walk her and he always feed's her. He even sometimes wrestles with her, and embraces her. I always thought it was a bit wierd. I am guessing because animals can not talk so they cant be judgemental.

My son isnt crazy, i know that for a fact. He is sane.

raerae6

One of the first signs of a psychopath is cruelty to animals. I'm pretty sure your son is no psychopath.

Have you made any decisions on your plan of action?

elizabeth1979

Hi Keepthefaith,
harsh responses sometimes help me and sometimes hurt me, but ultimately, I sometimes fail to see the 'truth' because I have rose-colored glasses on, and live in denial at times. DENIAL:
Dont
Even
kNow
I
Am
Lying

It could seem that alot of responses are extreme, but your sons behavior is beyond extreme. Another thing, lots of people on this forum have children who are that b*itch who needed a fix or their children are addicts and supplied by people like your son. Your son doesnt make anyone use,thats not what Im saying, but just another perspective maybe to look at.

I am sorry for your pain and it seems very apparent that you love your son and see the best in him, even when buried underneath the ugly parts.

Seems to me, you would rather love your son to death, than run the chance of losing contact with him. I did that alot with my ex, bc I wanted him around (to know he was safe, know he wasnt in jail, etc) more than I wanted to be without him.
That was me being selfish.

I dont know how to sugarcoat this keepthefaith, but what your above statement says to me is....I dont care if someone elses son dies from the drugs he sells them, as long as my son is safe.


Slippery slope. I hope you can get some counseling to help you out and hope you stay safe. I would personally be very cautious about identifying gang affillitaion on the internet, lots of people surf around and sometimes I have to remind myself that although I seem anonymous, Im not that transparent. I say that out of concern for your safety

I dont think you are a bad mom, I think you are hurting and need a hug.

Take care

ladyamalthea

Sane people can fall victim to various forms of addiction too though. I'm not saying he is a psychopath, I agree that that statement was a bit much... but just because he's not crazy does not mean he is not cold, cruel, and selfish.

You say he cares? About what, other than his dog and his money? Clearly not you, or else he wouldn't be disrespecting your home and your family... I don't care how many times you tell me he respects you; if he really respected you, he would not be stashing drugs in your home, sleeping with his clients in your home, and he certainly would not be putting a knife to your son's throat in your home. Those are not acts of respect; they are acts of disrespect. Period.

We all understand your desire and need to think of your son as your son; but as long as he is doing the above, and probably far worse, he is not the person that you seem to want us to believe that he is.

Here's the thing of it: We don't have to agree with you about your son. You don't have to agree with us either. But every day that you wake up and make a conscious decision to not respond to your son's behavior in the harshest way possible is a day that you have allowed him to behave this way, if not enabled him. As much as our instincts tell us to love our children and to protect them, you are not protecting him at all by keeping him out of jail. You are simply prolonging the inevitable, and adding logs on the fire so that when he does get arrested, it will be even worse than it would be now.

Is this post a tad bit harsh? Possibly, and if so, I'm sorry. Is it excessively extreme? I think not. What is extreme here is the situation at hand, and it needs to be stopped while everyone involved is still alive.

I agree with Elizabeth too... you are not a bad mom. My mom is not a bad mom either. But that doesn't mean that either one of you does not need to pull yourselves out of this denial that you're in and get the help you need.

lostparent

Psychopath or not he is still a danger to others an himself. He had a gun an switchblades hidden under the car seat. He sells drugs, he uses other peoples pain an misfortune to make money. He is going to be killed or kill someone. Follow some of the advice above an help him.

rayofsunshine

KeepFaith, Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you found SR. Please read the stickys at the top of the page. Learn all you can about addiction and gangs. Research on the internet. Arm yourself with knowledge. Also, keep in mind that if he's arrested and his paraphanelia is found in your house, you could be arrested too.

As you learn, in time you will know what decisions you can make that will help your son. You don't have to do anything right this minute. Baby steps. While he's still a minor, you can take steps for intervention if needed. Once he's 18 all you'll be able to do is watch. A good place to research is a program called teen challenge. There is hope for a better life for your son without the drugs and gangs. I'm praying for you and your son.

lil516

Here on SR we say "miracles happen every day"
unfortunately your miracle didn't happen the day he didn't get arrested

I will pray that your son gets stopped soon...

drug dealers such as him sell the stuff that my son buys...one day it was tainted and my son landed in the ER
today he is in a long term facility trying to get healthy and I pray your son soon has the same fate (facility not ER)

prayers for you and your family...
if/when the drugs, gun and money are found in your home or are linked to any crime it is all going to come down like a house of cards

your son is behind the stories I read in the tabloids every day
and I always pray for the mother (I know you are suffering)

worriednana

Keepfaith

You sound like you are where I was at a year ago. You know in your heart what he is doing isn't right and it does bother you b/c you are questioning it...but you just can't bring yourself to cast your baby out just yet. You are making excuses, you are hoping this talk or lecture will bring him to his senses. I wish I had found this site when I finally started admitting yes there is a bigger problem than I thought there was.

Sometimes the head has to overrule the heart. You have to do the unthinkable to survive or help your son help himself. Good luck.

Done_With_It

JUST MY OPINION HERE.....TAKE WHAT YOU WILL AND LEAVE THE REST..


Oh come on now you guys. Do any of you really think any of us are qualified to make a decision whether or not this kid is a psychopath or not off of 4 posts? I know I'm not.


KeepFaith,
This is a tough situation for everyone involved, for one you are the enemies mom.
And usually they say hands off the addict but now it's the opposite, most are wanting to say Hands on the dealer, literally. Plus the fact that he is underage, so everyone is thinking do it now. That's the opposite of what what everyone usually is told in here it's usually wait till they hit bottom.

I think it's kind of confusing for all of us, and this isn't something any of us have had to deal with very often. Not to mention gangs.

I think people forget that when you live a certain lifestyle you get hardened and things that seem crazy to one person are normal for another. In gangs razor blades and guns are so common they become numb to it. Psychopaths have different brain patterns and brain waves than normal people do, when we hear rape, murder, death, etc. our brain waves change, proven fact, a psychopaths don't change, etc. etc. etc. But gang life will make that stuff normal for them.
We get used to the lifestyle we live in. I no longer hear people honk at me, but when people come to visit me, it is enough to give them an anxiety attack. That is different, but lifestyles form us and shape who we are.
Whether or not he is a psychopath I do not know.


But I do believe one thing and that is we are in a drug war from hell. We are in this together and I think you came here for help, I understand why some are having a hard time with this post, drug dealers are killing their kids, I was one of those not long ago.

But it's about compassion.
If you don't see their side, and they don't see your side, then the war keeps on getting bigger and bigger.... When we can come together is when we will start winning.....

You've only been here a few days, it took me a while to understand and see their sides also as a user, I was mad and angry, and they got mad right back at me a few times. But these are the most compassionate people you will ever find. Don't let them scare you or their anger frighten you away. You will understand it really quick if you stick around and read. It's not about you.
They will help you in ways you can't even imagine if you let them. There is a lot of truth on here. You don't even have to agree with them, just be open. I don't agree sometimes, but it's still okay.
You've both lost your kids, (etc.) to drugs, you can help each other through it, or you can fight about... It's your choice as to how you guys want to deal with it.
Me personally, I would rather work with anyone I could to solve the drug war.
It's the drugs we are at war with. I hope you, if anything, you get some help for yourself here, this is so much about your son, and so little about you so far, don't let his drug dealing ruin your life. This is a great place to focus on your needs.


JUST MY OPINION.

LIKE I SAID LEAVE THE REST..

Elana

KeepFaith:
The one thing I have not said is that I cannot imagine what you are going through in your heart and in your mind. Your story is truly disturbing.

I suggested your son might be a sociopath (not a psychpath.. that is different).

I prayed for you in church today. I will continue to pray for you and for your son.

I may have sounded judgemental and I am of his actions. It is not my place to judge him or you. That is God's job and I am not about to attempt to do his job.

I am sorry you are going through this.
I am sorry for all the parents or addicts who have seen their children spiral into addiction and even die as a result of that addiction to drugs.

liesagain

I am so sorry for you and your son. I wish people werent so judgemental , you came here for advise and i feel like some here are not being fair to you. You are just another momwhos hurting and sufferring because shes watching her child waste his life and making bad choices not unlike the addict loved ones of myself and so many others.

Please take care of you, and stick around despite some of the harsh words(which by the way you can choose to ignore) you can get alot of support here!
Despite th grim outlook some do get better.................even dealers.
((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs TO YOU!)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Jewelz

Done with it thank you for trying to have others see what we should. I have been reading this thread since yesterday and what struck me as soon as I read KeepFaiths first post is how she has the same pain as the families here who lost their family to drugs. While Keepfaith son is in a gang, dealing drugs, and most of the time shows no remorse for his actions but at times he does show respect.. does show her his true self at times which give her hope... hope he is still in there. Don't we go through the same thing with our addicts?? Don't we see them lost, using drugs, some of our addicts steal our last dollar, steal our items and just take our heart away becauase of all the drugs they do but then at times they look into our eyes even if they are using and we can still see the person we love the same very person who broke our heart a day ago. Why are we any different then her or why is our Addict any different than her son??? For her to get her son out of a gang is not easy esspecially if its the ********s.. the same way it's practically impossible to get our addict to stop using drugs. I do believe KeepFaith should look into whats in her power to get him to leave.. or to send him somewhere before he is 18. But we need to be there for Keepfaith she came here for a reason... she is reaching out... who are we to judge her, be mean to her or come out harsh. It's a crazy situation something thats very hard to understand for us the same way to a regular person who never dealt with a loved on drugs to understand why we deal with our addicts.

Keepfaith please dont let some of the responses push you away. Just hearing about a drug dealer some times sparks the hurt we feel inside of our loved ones. At times I sent my addicts drug dealer to hell and back untill i realize its not the drug dealers fault .. the drug dealer is living his own hell. When I realized that I prayed for my boyfriends drug dealer.

Keepfaith I am praying for you, and both your sons and I hope to see more of you.

Hugs,
Jewel

Mara

You came here looking for answers but you already know them. What you are really looking for is courage. It takes courage to do what you have to do. I am not going to advice you to go to the police. But you need to find an organization that deals with these situations and you need to affiliate yourself with them in order to learn how to deal with your situation on a day to day basis. You also have to deal with your sub conscience attitude toward your son. You have conflicting attitudes. On the one hand you detest the fact the he is a drug dealer and on the other hand you admire his ability to make it in the drug world. Your first reaction to this statement is going to be outrage. But I suggest that you analyze your post carefully. While there is the spoken rage. There is also the begrudging praise. You need an attitude adjustment. While you will alway love your son, you have to find a way of conveying your total disappointment. You have to make him understand that you love him, the son unconditionally. But you will never love his drug dealing actions. You will never allow him to spend that money while he is living in your home. You will have to set up household rules and punishments for breaking those rules. You also have to wake up to some realities. One of the realities is that our children are the best actors and we as parents are the most naive. You want to believe that he does not use marijuana or any other drugs. You are so sure of his truthfulness. You will be surprise. He is really cool in in his own eyes and he has you believing how cool he is. Wake up! He is not so cool. The saddest part of dealing with your son is that all your dreams and your perceptions of him have to go out the window. You will have to judge on the basis of what he really is and is doing. Don't fool yourself. We love our children and we want to pretend that it is Christmas and there is a Santa Clause. But the truth has to be faced in order to help him and yourself. Read your post again. Pretend someone else wrote it. Then read it so as to help that person. And then follow your own advice. You know what you need to do. You are a strong and intelligent woman. You will cry a river and then you will cry some more. The sad fact is that you might not save your son. But stack the odds on your side. The only way to do that is to intelligently design a game plan. A word of caution: Your son is dangerous don't fool yourself. Proceed with caution. Please get some outside help.

Mara

KeepFaith

I asked my son to remove some spywares from my laptop today. I heard him laughing very hard it turns out while he was cleaning the laptop, he came across this site and found this thread. He said this site, and the people on it are jokes. He was apparently angry at the fact that I let out his buisness to 'outsiders'. The fact i made his 'buisness' 'hot'. He assured me he wasnt crazy and said because he was so much of a burden he can find another place to live. I dont know when he is going to leave or where he is going to go. I need someone to phisically trap him here. I cant call the police because they might find some of his things and send him to prison. Rightnow, I have called my other son over to try and restrain him as he wakes up. Problem is I dont know what will happen if when he gets loose. He isnt an animal but he is about to leave I am sure of it. Please help me ASAP.

tropikgal2

Well, if he is underage, then the only thing you can do to keep him from "running away" is turn him over to the authorities. If he wants to get away from you, he will. You can't stand there watching him 24/7. I dont' know what the age of consent is there, but here it is 17 (means they can move out, get married, etc.)
Take a deep breath and be prepared to let go and let nature take it's course. It is the only way you will stay sane in the long run.
I highly recommend you read "Codependent No More".